Living Together

[MrsCat 6]

A few examples that come to mind is the NY govenor Spitzer that slept with that callgirl, and his wife stood by his side while he admit being a cheating pig and she smiled frozenly and they are still together. I could never forgive that, sorry buddy. Divorce court here we come! The other public one I can think of is this evangelical dude, can't recall his name but he's famous in that area. Well he slept with a bunch of dudes, even though he believes being gay is "wrong" in his religion but he did it anyway. The public found out, his wife stayed by his side and now he claims to be "cured" of his homosexuality. Are you kidding me dude??!! If I was his wife I would have hit the road a long time ago. That's just me of course!

I forgot about that guy. He was such a douchebag. One of the only times I've felt compelled to yell at the TV screen.

[Sprailenes 47]

Yea I certainly didn't get married with an intent to divorce, and I certainly don't think anyone does... except maybe Elizabeth Taylor.

I just don't see forever on the horizon because I really don't believe in forever, just the now. Now could be until I die. Now could be until next week. I just don't believe in putting something out there that I may not be able to guarantee.

Its like never saying never... I never say forever.

Its really hard to explain. I would fight for my marriage and I know Amanda would too, but I wouldn't throw myself under the bus for it.

[trailmix 77]

Yea I certainly didn't get married with an intent to divorce, and I certainly don't think anyone does... except maybe Elizabeth Taylor.

I just don't see forever on the horizon because I really don't believe in forever, just the now. Now could be until I die. Now could be until next week. I just don't believe in putting something out there that I may not be able to guarantee.

Its like never saying never... I never say forever.

Its really hard to explain. I would fight for my marriage and I know Amanda would too, but I wouldn't throw myself under the bus for it.

So I guess it's a matter of peoples different ideas on how far they would go.

One thing I do know, I don't think you can say how far you would go until you are in that situation. I have a friend, I know her very well (no - it's not me ). If you knew her, you would say she would have dumped her Husband in a minute if he cheated on her. You would not have to guess - she was very very clear about this.

He did cheat. She is still with him.

[to_hope 0]

Perhaps its a waste of my time, but I would rather leave something knowing I tried every way to make it work rather than just leaving because I didn't want to make it work.

Not a waste of time; I think this shows incredible strength of character.

[thetreble 19]

Ah yes, maybe that is true...and being put in situations does often change how you think you would have dealt with things.

But I do think that there are standards and values one has to hold onto for themselves. I believe in myself and know myself enough to know that if Jared cheated, I would go tell him to *uck himself. Why? Because I changed my whole world for him in essence. I do think there are people out there that WILL stick to their guns no matter what.

Maybe in 10 years I will still be talking on this board and on marriage numero 3. L.T. style

It's not a waste of time in YOUR opinion, to_hope. It also shows strength of character when someone who is abused actually leaves the marriage instead of getting counseling, in my opinion, and risking further abuse. Just because I would choose not to go to counseling, it doesn't mean I'm not a strong person. Let's get that one straight

Edited February 19, 2009 by thetreble

[to_hope 0]

It's not a waste of time in YOUR opinion, to_hope. It also shows strength of character when someone who is abused actually leaves the marriage instead of getting counseling, in my opinion, and risking further abuse. Just because I would choose not to go to counseling, it doesn't mean I'm not a strong person. Let's get that one straight

It is my opinion, that is why I said "I think." I'm not trying to say that you aren't a strong person; I am in no place to make that call. You are right that it does take a strong person to leave an abusive situation; I was more referring to just general unhappiness or dissatisfaction in a marriage---I don't think that is a good reason to leave a marriage. I should have been more clear about that because I definitely don't think a person should stay in an abusive situation.

[BermyCat 1]

So I guess it's a matter of peoples different ideas on how far they would go.

One thing I do know, I don't think you can say how far you would go until you are in that situation. I have a friend, I know her very well (no - it's not me ). If you knew her, you would say she would have dumped her Husband in a minute if he cheated on her. You would not have to guess - she was very very clear about this.

He did cheat. She is still with him.

I always, always, always maintained that if I was ever cheated on I wouldn't give the guy another chance. I believed that with fire and passion.

My first husband cheated on me. I stayed with him another two years. Now we did eventually divorce but if you had told me when I married him that I was going to keep trying after he cheated... I would have said you were nuts.

I'm not sure what I would do if Phil ever cheated on me. I trust him a lot more than I ever trusted my first husband.

~ Catherine

[thetreble 19]

I was more referring to just general unhappiness or dissatisfaction in a marriage---I don't think that is a good reason to leave a marriage.

Fair enough and I respect your opinion but I think it is. I guess the conclusion of pretty much all my posts in this thread is that I would never put time and effort into something if I was miserable. I often wonder why certain people at work are rude and generally treat others like ####### for no reason. There are people I work with that I have to "baby talk" to in order to get them to do what I need them to do or else they might not do it and are generally cold. Then I sort of peg it down to their home life. I refuse to my a miserable SOB in my life because once you are unhappy in your marriage, it affects every area of your life.

Usually when people are unhappy, they don't magically become happy again with a click of a button and I'm not waiting to spend 5 years trying to figure out if I will turn around to being happy again if it happens to me.

Difference of opinions, that is all.

[to_hope 0]

I was more referring to just general unhappiness or dissatisfaction in a marriage---I don't think that is a good reason to leave a marriage.

Fair enough and I respect your opinion but I think it is. I guess the conclusion of pretty much all my posts in this thread is that I would never put time and effort into something if I was miserable. I often wonder why certain people at work are rude and generally treat others like ####### for no reason. There are people I work with that I have to "baby talk" to in order to get them to do what I need them to do or else they might not do it and are generally cold. Then I sort of peg it down to their home life. I refuse to my a miserable SOB in my life because once you are unhappy in your marriage, it affects every area of your life.

Usually when people are unhappy, they don't magically become happy again with a click of a button and I'm not waiting to spend 5 years trying to figure out if I will turn around to being happy again if it happens to me.

Difference of opinions, that is all.

You're right about it being a difference of opinion. Maybe it has to do with how much we believe a person can change? I don't know if anyone here watches the TV show "Private Practice"-- I do (sort of sheepishly admit it haha) but this week it was really though provoking about the subject of relationships whether people can change to make them better when they go sour....

Anyways, it made me realize that I have a strongly held belief/hope that anyone can change. But it also made me see how if I didn't hold that belief, my whole outlook on relationships and marriage would be different. (And my friends think that show has nothing good to offer.... )

[Sprailenes 47]

My ex, we were never married, but he would cheat on me quite a bit. I took a lot, I tried to change and when I would catch him he would change for a bit and he would be really great for a few weeks and then he went back to cheating. Of course the entire time he was cheating with the same girl, so I came to the realization that we weren't meant to be and his true love was this girl, who is now his wife. It hurt a lot but you just realize what you are in control of what you can change, with him there was no control, and there was no change. His decision was made.

I moved on. I am happy for them both.

I can't say that I would leave if Mike cheated, I can't imagine him ever cheating so if he did I would probably be in shock, but I haven't been put in that situation so I don't really know. I would love to say: "I would leave if he did that to me" but I honestly don't know.

It all depends the situation really.

If I caught him doing it and he was going behind my back for a long time, yea I think that would piss me off enough to leave.

If he came to me and told me and admitted he was so stupid and stuff... I could see myself giving him a chance.

I'm a sucka.

[ozone_1974 1]

Anyways, it made me realize that I have a strongly held belief/hope that anyone can change.

Agree that people can indeed change BUT ..

You can not change (and there is nothing you can do about it) someone who do not want to change. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, if that person is not willing to change or is not ready to change, it won't happen.

[SpiritAlight 1]

People do not change.

We all fall back on our "default characters".

We are all who we were in our essence from the time we were 5 or maybe even 3 years old.

Think about it.

I have done a lot of work to come to this conclusion.

Up to my 20s or maybe even my 30s I believed people could truly change.

They cannot.

You love them or your don't.

You are who you are.

That's it, that's all.

Do I need to soften this? Hee, hee.

[to_hope 0]

Anyways, it made me realize that I have a strongly held belief/hope that anyone can change.

Agree that people can indeed change BUT ..

You can not change (and there is nothing you can do about it) someone who do not want to change. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, if that person is not willing to change or is not ready to change, it won't happen.

Isn't that the truth! No wonder relationships (of all kinds) are so complicated.

[Sprailenes 47]

Anyways, it made me realize that I have a strongly held belief/hope that anyone can change.

Agree that people can indeed change BUT ..

You can not change (and there is nothing you can do about it) someone who do not want to change. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, if that person is not willing to change or is not ready to change, it won't happen.

Its very true. You have no control over someone else, only yourself.

You can have an addict, abuser, and its not you who is going to change them, its them who is going to change themselves.

I don't know how much I would sit around waiting for someone to change. Probably not a long time. Tough love.

[thetreble 19]

People do not change.

We all fall back on our "default characters".

We are all who we were in our essence from the time we were 5 or maybe even 3 years old.

Think about it.

I have done a lot of work to come to this conclusion.

Up to my 20s or maybe even my 30s I believed people could truly change.

They cannot.

You love them or your don't.

You are who you are.

That's it, that's all.

Do I need to soften this? Hee, hee.

Not at all!!

I Love it.