Living Together

[Sprailenes 47]

My issue is with the kitchen... I have a really hard time sharing it.

In fact when he goes in to cook I get anxious... and I sometimes follow behind him to clean every pot and utensil he uses, because he tends to use the whole kitchen for one meal. He is an amazing cook and I am so lucky for that but when he cooks, its messy.

But in my world, my kitchen has to be spotless, if there has to be one room in the house that has to be clean and organized ALL of the time its the kitchen, I am pretty ####### about that kind of stuff, and I know I get on his nerves with it, so I try not to say anything, I clean it in silence every day.

I used to get upset with him but I realized that this issue, is my issue, I am the one who gets anxious, I am the one who is ####### retentive about it. Not him.

He cleans the kitchen after he cooks, just not right away. - Mind you its a "man clean" but its his version.

He doesn't always put the dishes away, he'll leave them out to dry.

Its certainly not how I'd do it... but I guess that's how he does it.

baby steps... baby steeeepppps.

I'm trying... hard and thats what matters.

[JillA 2]

^^ I can relate to that in many ways. I'm like that in the kitchen and all over pretty much, sort of a neat/clean freak. Like when I'm cooking/baking, I clean as I go. Use a pot, put it right in the dishwasher. I can't pile up dishes in the sink. After dinner, I clean off the table and counter straight away. There's no sitting of the dishes. My Mom is the opposite and when I lived with her back in the day it drove me mad, she'd leave dishes for like a day or two sitting around. Glen often offers to cook and I politely decline, I'll be the first to admit I like to have full control of the kitchen Even when he unloads the dishwasher, it's nice and all but he never puts them back where they go so I may as well do it

[MrsCat 6]

^^ I must be the man of the marriage. Chris likes things cleaned his way. He just gets used to cleaning up after me. His version of clean and mine are certainly not the same. I like things clean, but he likes things sterile.

[bluegreen 0]

I am finding my husband's odd quirks easy to live with now that I am getting to know his mother more. I am realizing where this all comes from. Why he goes through the refrigerator randomly chucking out stuff he feels has been sitting there for a while, without looking or sniffing or even checking the date. Why he has an obsession about dirty dishes going only on the LEFT side of the double sink. Why he acts horrified if I allow anyone to see me in my (gigantic, even has a hood) bathrobe. Why I must never, under any circumstances, walk barefoot, even at home. Must never sleep with the window open (unless I want to die from some kind of airborne night-disease). Must start popping Amoxicillan from the gigantic bottle of antibiotics his mother brought us from T.J. the second I sneeze.

It's not his fault.

[ozone_1974 1]

I think we can't be the same all the time and there has to be differences, otherwise it would be pretty boring. I mean can you imagine having a carbon copy of yourself in front of you all the time ? You would turn nuts in no time : why ? because you would see all your defaults and your qualities. Unfortunately for us humans, we tend to remember the defaults better than the qualities, and our own defaults are certainly not something we want to see every day .. lol

The main question is how we deal with the differences, how we adapt to the differences, how we learn to be patient and comprehensive and how well we work together in order to have a healthy balance and make our relationship work. It sure is an every day work cause if it was that easy, civilizations would not fight all the time.

We each bring positive and negative things in a relationship whether it is intentional or unintentional. I think one important thing in a relationship is communication, if we do not communicate, then we do not let our loved one know what is wrong .. so our loved one might do or say something that irritate us again, not because he or she wants to hurt us, but simply because he or she is unaware that we are irritated .. Then the piling up begins and when there is too much, well that is when often things go wrong. Communication is what help understanding, and when we understand then we can work together to keep a balance for both to be happy It is exactly like a maths problem, you've got to understand the problem before you can work to solve it

[Carlawarla 1]

I lived with my ex-husband for two years before marriage. We ended in divorce, and when I look back on things now, of course I'd never had married him. I can honestly say now however that it was only about 2 years into our marriage when I started to have serious doubts! I stayed 17 years trying to make things work. What a disaster.

Fast forward to meeting Gene. We were both in our mid 40's. Gene had never lived with anyone, nor been married before. Funny, neither one of us had any doubts about our marriage, which included living together. Visiting Gene in his home before we married, I could see how he lived, and it was much cleaner and neater than I had lived! We knew there was going to be difference, especially since we both had a history at that point of living on our own, and doing things our own way.

We looked at it as a challenge, and a team effort not sweating the small stuff which is basically what it is, when you're getting used to someone living in each others space. Communication is the key. We didn't even worry about whether we could live together. We loved each other dearly and nothing would have kept us apart. You give, you adapt, you get pissed, you get over it. That's what's so much fun about the first year!

[thetreble 19]

I don't know you guys! I'm hearing what you are saying, maybe I just don't believe it 100%. I realize I took vows, but deep down I'm not the kind of person who would sacrifice my whole self for a relationship. Some people will probably call that selfish but my parents told me to always look out for number 1 and I was doing that quite well before I met Jared.

If we couldn't get along, I couldn't see myself going to counseling or wasting my time. I would be heart broken but I think I would just move on. It is so easy to say that love is so strong and that in conquers any behaviors that we have as individuals. But if after a few years I could seriously not stand him any more, whether I loved him as a person or not, I think I'd be heading for the hills.

I'm not in that situation now so I can't be for certain what I would do. But I do know that I would not bend over backwards to make it work and waste 10 years of my life.

I don't know..I guess I have weird feelings about the whole issue here we are talking about.

Someone mentioned that naivety is often what gets people in messes. I have some friends that are COMPLETELY naive about financial, emotional and mental implications of long term relationships and what it takes to truly get along in life. My brother went out with the same girl for 8 years and they loved each other very much, but they couldn't rub two pennies together. At the end of the day, they both realized neither of them was going to be able to buy a house, even rent a place, for the other while they got on their feet. Neither of them had the ability to even sustain their own lives. I'm glad they realized it was not going to work.

[Sprailenes 47]

I think when it starts to feel like a sacrifice and not a marriage the best thing you can do is run for the hills.

[thetreble 19]

I guess that is what I'm trying to say.

I'm obviously willing to make sacrifices..I did move here and leave everything in my life behind...

But I'm not willing to sacrifice my self worth or inner peace, or anything like that for someone else.

[trailmix 77]

I don't know you guys! I'm hearing what you are saying, maybe I just don't believe it 100%. I realize I took vows, but deep down I'm not the kind of person who would sacrifice my whole self for a relationship. Some people will probably call that selfish but my parents told me to always look out for number 1 and I was doing that quite well before I met Jared.

If we couldn't get along, I couldn't see myself going to counseling or wasting my time. I would be heart broken but I think I would just move on. It is so easy to say that love is so strong and that in conquers any behaviors that we have as individuals. But if after a few years I could seriously not stand him any more, whether I loved him as a person or not, I think I'd be heading for the hills.

I'm not in that situation now so I can't be for certain what I would do. But I do know that I would not bend over backwards to make it work and waste 10 years of my life.

I don't know..I guess I have weird feelings about the whole issue here we are talking about.

Someone mentioned that naivety is often what gets people in messes. I have some friends that are COMPLETELY naive about financial, emotional and mental implications of long term relationships and what it takes to truly get along in life. My brother went out with the same girl for 8 years and they loved each other very much, but they couldn't rub two pennies together. At the end of the day, they both realized neither of them was going to be able to buy a house, even rent a place, for the other while they got on their feet. Neither of them had the ability to even sustain their own lives. I'm glad they realized it was not going to work.

Yeah, that is interesting.

Actually what you were saying before, that many of your friends had lived with their SO only to find out they were not compatible, that sounds more to me like getting over the infatuation stage - rather than saying - I love you with all my heart but can't stand that you leave the toilet seat up

It's interesting what you say about not wasting time with counselling etc., when you say you are not the kind of person to sacrifice yourself 100% to a relationship. Do you mean you are always holding a little bit of yourself back - that you have a guard up kind of - is that a self defence, preservation type thing? You don't have to answer any of that of course, just made me wonder

[thetreble 19]

Oh not at all, I have always given pretty much 100% of myself. I'm an extremely dedicated person. I just think I could not repeatedly sacrifice myself over and over again when things are not going well. I don't mean when it comes to petty little things that are day to day and easy to move up and over. But if I felt unhappy and knew it was because I was just "tired" of my husband, then I probably would move on. Why be with someone you aren't enjoying?

My parents have been married 35 years. For most of my childhood, I wondered if they even liked each other. All they did was argue. I actually prayed that they would divorce at one point. Now almost in their 60s, some days they seem to get along and some days they don't at all. It is not up to me to decide whether they love each other or not, but it doesn't appear they do. My mum enjoyed all sorts of things when she married my dad, but along the years with us kids and the craziness, she seem to lose herself.

I guess I don't want to be someone who gets stuck in a marriage because they feel it's the right thing to do. I think things like counseling are a waste of time. That is just my personal feelings about it. You either can work it out on your own or you can't. I don't believe in 3rd party mediation in those circumstances.

I'm not willing to sit here and say "I would do anything for my significant other, even if it meant sacrificing who I was.." Many people can say that it won't happen to them but ..some times it does.

[Emancipation 2]

All I can say is that in my former marriage I wanted it to work... I would have done hours of counseling and therapy and spent time apart and tried again, anything to make the marriage work. I loved my ex and I wanted to be with him. His abuse and toll of his countless lies and disregard for my feelings and life were insurmountable, so at some point I had to walk away for my sanity. I gave it my all though, and I know that without a doubt, so it gave me the ability to walk away without regret and I've never looked back. That peace of mind is pricess to me.

I know had I just left and never given my ex a chance to get help or change I would have always wondered.. Many people wouldn't have given him another moment of their lives, but it was something I had to do for me - not for him.

[Krikit 1,164]

I don't think any of us know when enough is enough until we reach that point. There is an invisible wall which we all come to and we know it's decision time. Then, and only then, will we stop and decide whether to go or whether to stay. I think females will take a lot, but once they have made that decision there is no turning back. A counselling session at that point would be good. Not with the soon-to-be ex-spouse, but by yourself. This gives you the opportunity to run it by someone who is impartial to the situation so they can tell you "No, you haven't lost your mind and, yes, you're making the right decision."

[thetreble 19]

That is understandable and I guess every one is different. Maybe you have more patience than I do. I really don't think that kind of persistence is in me. I feel like a lot of times, adults need to help themselves instead of relying on others.

I went to counseling twice when I was diagnosed with OCD and GAD. The first time I thought it was a joke and maybe it was just the counselor. The next time solidified that it was in fact a joke. You know when I started getting better? When I went off of medication and dedicated myself to doing it MY way. I made a plan on how to deal with it all and I have gotten 10 times better then I was at the beginning. I didn't need any one but me.

I just don't believe in counseling or psychologists. I'm not a scientologist or anything because I believe in medical disorders, but I just don't ..I guess I'm a "selfer" in every way. I could probably live very happily alone. I think I've gotten way out of control in this thread! ahha

[Sprailenes 47]

When you have kids its even more difficult because then you worry more about them then yourself, and losing yourself can also hurt them in the long run. I know with Ethan's dad it was really hard to leave because I didn't want him to be without a father. But you can't always look at it like that.

I could stay and have Ethan grow up in a home where two people hated eachother or I could leave while he was still very young. We had just bought a house too, but I left and I didn't really look back. Its true though what krikit said about women taking a lot more, I took a lot before I left, I kept trying to make it work, but every day it was miserable.

It took the very last straw, and I am just the type who is persistent and who will try every single way to get the peg in the hole and if it doesn't fit after thousands of tries, then I'll leave.

Perhaps its a waste of my time, but I would rather leave something knowing I tried every way to make it work rather than just leaving because I didn't want to make it work.

Edited February 19, 2009 by Sprailenes