Living Together

[chimcham 18]

My boyfriend and I aren't engaged (yet--waiting patiently!! )But do others agree with me that 3 months isn't enough time to live with your fiance to get to know them?

I wish there was a way to live with him before we take the plunge...I know we are meant for each other, but it seems unfair that we have to go through so much to live together.

We've been together for two years, but what if you get engaged, get married, and then things don't work out?

Unfortunately, my employer has decided not to sponsor me...(well, cannot at this point, due to the economy...I'm lucky I am still employed)

...I'm just venting...I've had a bad day, and miss him so much.

[Reba 2]

If you get married and it doesn't work out you do the same as ever other couple whose marriage didn't work. You get a divorce and go your separate ways.

[JillA 2]

Yup, that's what sucks about marrying someone from a different country. Sure I would have loved to live together for a year or so before marriage, and plan a proper wedding. But that's life, I got married 7 days after moving here and will plan my wedding for next year when I'm already actually married. Those are the things we do for love I suppose!

But every couple is different, every relationship is different in it's own way. While it may be ideal to live together for a while before marriage, it's not possible in our case ("our" being the immigrants). I could have waited the full 3 months but wanted to apply for AOS immediately. I certainly didn't think I would change my mind after 90 days and move home so marrying in 7 days was fine for us. I know nowadays it's quite common for couples to live together before marriage, but my parents generation mostly got married and then moved in together. It was almost scandalous to live together first!

All you can do is have faith in your love and go from there, believing it will work out for the best

Edited February 18, 2009 by JillA

[bluegreen 0]

Jill, we are in the same situation—planning our big family wedding having already been legally wed. We call it our "legal engagement." Heheh.

Along with the not being able to "try before you buy," the first year or two has the added stress of immigration, not being able to work and then not being able to FIND work piled on top of the traditionally tough first year bumps along the marriage road. t is a difficult time in many ways. You think everything is going to be fantastic when you are finally together full-time, but it is often...not. You are in a new place, often homesick. learning the ins and outs of living with a new person, and probably tight on money due to the not working thing.

For us, we feel like our family wedding this summer is going to be a huge benchmark for us. It's been a LONG year in many ways, and coming out of it stronger than ever and more in love is something to celebrate!

There are some good things about doing it this way too. No, you aren't living together, but you are spending waaayyyy more time talking on the phone and via email than most couples living together, who maybe spend their first year living together doing...other things. You really can get to know someone that way.

Good luck!!

[to_hope 0]

My boyfriend and I aren't engaged (yet--waiting patiently!! )But do others agree with me that 3 months isn't enough time to live with your fiance to get to know them?

I wish there was a way to live with him before we take the plunge...I know we are meant for each other, but it seems unfair that we have to go through so much to live together.

We've been together for two years, but what if you get engaged, get married, and then things don't work out?

Unfortunately, my employer has decided not to sponsor me...(well, cannot at this point, due to the economy...I'm lucky I am still employed)

...I'm just venting...I've had a bad day, and miss him so much.

I don't have the information to back this up, but I am 99% sure that the divorce rate for couple who live together before they are married is notably higher than for those who do not. I don't believe you need to live with your boyfriend at all before marriage in order to "get to know" him.

I understand your fear about getting a divorce- no one wants that. I think your fear shows that you understand the weightiness of the decision to marry; good for you. My words of advice are these: what you need to know about a person before marriage is "what kind of character do they have?" You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they treat other people in their lives (mother, father, friends, etc) and how they handle their resources (finances, time, etc).

If you determine your boyfriend to be a person of good character and you are romantically attracted to him, you should really consider marriage. That said, marriage is most often not something that just magically "works out" or "doesn't work out." Marriage is a relationship that requires much attention and hard work. When both partners determine to make the choice (and it is a choice) to build a healthy marriage relationship, it will "work out." It is choice you both have to make. And if you both make the choice, you needn't be afraid that it won't "work out."

I understand there are times for divorce (neglectful spouses, abuse, affairs, etc), but in the vast majority of marriages, the choice to get married and work at building a healthy marriage is really what will make it "work."

I hope that helps a bit. Again, I think you are so wise to understand the weightiness of the marriage relationship. But don't fall for this mystical ideal that marriages just "work" or don't.... it really is a choice.

Edited February 18, 2009 by to_hope

[Sprailenes 47]

I lived with my fiance two years before in Canada, still nothing prepares you for what you are about to embark on.

[defunct 0]

I don't have the information to back this up, but I am 99% sure that the divorce rate for couple who live together before they are married is notably higher than for those who do not. I don't believe you need to live with your boyfriend at all before marriage in order to "get to know" him.

The divorce rate is higher among couples who live together first, however, there is a confounding variable which explains this. Couples who live together first tend to have amalgamated their finances, friends, families, and may have had children together. They are likely to stay together when there are problems in the relationship rather than break-up because of these reasons. They then get married and find that that doesn't solve the problems they had before they married.

Off topic, but I can't pass by a chance to put my Psych degree to use.

Edited February 18, 2009 by eyoa

[to_hope 0]

I don't have the information to back this up, but I am 99% sure that the divorce rate for couple who live together before they are married is notably higher than for those who do not. I don't believe you need to live with your boyfriend at all before marriage in order to "get to know" him.

The divorce rate is higher among couples who live together first, however, there is a confounding variable which explains this. Couples who live together first tend to have amalgamated their finances, friends, families, and may have had children together. They are likely to stay together when there are problems in the relationship rather than break-up because of these reasons. They then get married and find that that doesn't solve the problems they had before they married.

Off topic, but I can't pass by a chance to put my Psych degree to use.

Thanks for this information; it makes sense. I guess the term "living together" really means couples who "live like they are married when they are not." They are acting married (by amalgamating finances, friends etc like you said) more than they are acting like "roommates." From my perspective this information demonstrates that living together before marriage is not necessarily required or even beneficial when a person is getting to know his or her SO.

(And if you have a Psych degree by all means put it to use! You worked hard for it, right? )

[ozone_1974 1]

I lived with my fiance two years before in Canada, still nothing prepares you for what you are about to embark on.

That is entirely true and I agree, but in another hand, nothing prepares you to live a long distance relationship either (which is a pretty tough situation to live).

Imho, living a part is also a very good test for a couple and you've got plenty of time to get to know your loved one and see who he/she really is while being exposed to such stressful situations .. it often bring a lot of tests, depending on individuals it can be fears, trust, patience etc (the list can be very long) ...

Of course living together every day is a complete different thing and brings another kind of tests, but I think that if you are able to live a long distance relationship and go through all this process together without your relationship being negatively affected, you pretty much have a solid and good base for a successful relationship. As to_hope said, the rest is (like every relationship) a teamwork and choices from both partners.

The words "what if" bugs me a little bit though, cause with these 2 words you can rebuild the entire world. Some people will say it is being "careful" to think that way : I agree in a certain way, but you can never be 100% sure of what will happen in the future so what is the point of getting all worked up on something that might never happen ? As a couple, analyze the situation, make your choices and do what you have to do, the rest will come by itself depending on your choices

[TayL 0]

Lots of things can happen. And it's nervewracking. But I like to try and live by something pilots say--any landing you can walk away from is a good one.

You get into the plane without a care in the world and the flight goes well, but then there's a problem and you end up crash landed in the Hudson River, standing on the wings of a sinking plane. You walked away, so it was a good landing.

Same thing in relationships. You don't *expect* something bad to happen, something to "crash land" things, but if it happens, it happens and you make the best of it. Just look forward to tomorrow. I don't think I've EVER heard of a relationship failing where both parties *truly* looked forward to tomorrow and all that it can bring for them.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I agree with what's been said above - we could all live our lives wondering 'what if' though right? If you're in love and you've prepared yourselves financially and mentally for a few months where it will be harder (before you can work and as you're adjusting) then I doubt you have any more chance then anyone else of getting a divorce....I wouldn't want you to be going in thinking about divorce either of course!

Out of curiousity - do you have doubts about the relationship? If so then take a step back ....

After being married a year only 1.5 yrs I can see that this 'married thing' is going to take a while to get used to. I was a single parent for a long time who controlled my own finances, who ran the show and well.....now I have to share! Turns out I'm not so great at sharing But hey live and learn. Luckily my husband doesn't mind me taking care of some things and others he insists on doing himself, it all works out.

[warlord 73]

I lived an hour from my wife before we got married, never lived together until after we got married. We would spend weekends at the others for a year or so, but that was it. You definatly don't need to live with your SO at all in order to be married...

[trailmix 77]

Or you could always either take time off work or quit your job and go to the States and live with him for 6 months.

[thetreble 19]

The words "what if" bugs me a little bit though, cause with these 2 words you can rebuild the entire world.

As a writer can I just say that this sentence was really beautiful! haha You probably weren't thinking about that initially, but I may have to take this and add it to my repertoire.

I really think it isn't about living together vs. not living together. I think it comes down to maturity. Have you ever seen that show Engaged and Underage on MTV? I LOVE to watch it...because it's a bunch of 18 year olds that think they are ready to be married. These are kids who have not gone to college, university, traveled, etc. yet. They have no life experience.

When I met my SO, I was 20 years old. But I lived on my own, paid my own rent and bills. I was incredibly mature and independent. I married at 23 and many consider that young. I had done a bit of traveling, finished my degree and felt I was emotionally ready to handle whatever life brought me in my marriage at that point. It was a little rough to start but I was so financially responsible that we didn't have too many problems besides me missing home.

My brother in law is getting married this August to a 25 year old girl who has never lived any place but her parents house and whose parents still support her financially 100%. She doesn't have a job. She does night classes twice a week for her masters. Her father drives her there because they do not want her driving alone at night. Them not living together before marriage will not be a problem...she has been a dependent all her life and her new sucker will be my brother in law. That is when you call the question of marriage into..well...question.

You will be fine, as long as you love each other and you have dealt with some responsibility in your life so far. Those life skills come in handy with marriage.

[Emancipation 2]

Great thoughts in this thread guys!

I'd just like to say that there are still people who won't live with their fiance until marriage. That does still happen in this world

Anyway.. what was tough for us was that hubby was in a studio apt. when i arrived.. my stuff was piled in boxes for 3 months, and I HATED living in one room.. That was tough.. but once we moved into a 1200 sq ft. place and everything had a place, I was at rest again. But those first few months when I wasn't working, living in a SUPER small town and living in one room.. man that was agony!!!