Is abuse ever OK in a relationship?

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

Abuse is NEVER okay. And I don't believe most abusers can change. I have read studies showing that VERY few abusers change for the better.

And never marry/date someone who comes from a home with abusive parents. Like father, like son the huge majority of the time.

I think a big problem is that women that were abused somehow in childhood usually go on to select abusers as mates because they don't feel they deserve any better. My mom got along great with her dad but her mother was a total narcissist that mentally/emotionally abused her. Instead of marrying a nice guy like her dad she picked someone like my grandmother that belittled her as if she were a stupid child that he owned. One of my childhood friend's mother was sexually abused as a child and even as an adult she wondered what she did wrong to make her father and brother do that to her. So she went on to marry a physically abusive redneck, divorced him, then married a mentally abusive crackhead that got her addicted to drugs and then laughed and made fun of her when she ended up getting raped by a bunch of guys in the ghetto when she was looking for drugs. It's hard for people to break old patterns without professional help. If all someone knew was being abused as a kid they view that as normal and end up in relationships with abusers.

[teenutty 0]

Abuse is NEVER okay. And I don't believe most abusers can change. I have read studies showing that VERY few abusers change for the better.

And never marry/date someone who comes from a home with abusive parents. Like father, like son the huge majority of the time.

I think a big problem is that women that were abused somehow in childhood usually go on to select abusers as mates because they don't feel they deserve any better. My mom got along great with her dad but her mother was a total narcissist that mentally/emotionally abused her. Instead of marrying a nice guy like her dad she picked someone like my grandmother that belittled her as if she were a stupid child that he owned. One of my childhood friend's mother was sexually abused as a child and even as an adult she wondered what she did wrong to make her father and brother do that to her. So she went on to marry a physically abusive redneck, divorced him, then married a mentally abusive crackhead that got her addicted to drugs and then laughed and made fun of her when she ended up getting raped by a bunch of guys in the ghetto when she was looking for drugs. It's hard for people to break old patterns without professional help. If all someone knew was being abused as a kid they view that as normal and end up in relationships with abusers.

God that is painful to read!!!!! While agree with you it is hard for people to break abuse patterns without profressional help, it is not impossible. I have a close family member who was mentally abused (physical, I am unsure) as a child, she made a point of stopping the cycle and not revisiting that abuse on her children.

Secondly, some people grow up in normal households and still fall in love with abusers. Abusers may not show their true colors at first. There is also a lot of shock of becoming a victim of abuse and if the abuse continues and the victim does not leave, the victim feels shame for staying.

[hassan_debbie 4]

Its very simple for me. I told my first husband (american) if he ever abused or cheated on me i would leave. He cheated and I left. I told my now husband if you ever abuse or cheat on me I'm gone and I mean it.

Deb

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

I am an example of an abused child, who watched my mother abused, prostituted out and murdered by my biological father. I had maybe a year of professional help around the time I was 6yrs old. The memories of what I saw and went through still come into my mind like it just happened yesterday. I was put into a great loving adoptive family with the worlds greatest parents (IMO) . Have a strong faith in GOD and knowing that He is in control, being surrounded with love of family/friends and being an independant strong girl/woman that I am has helped me get through the painful past.

I set my mind and heart dead on from the get go that I would never be with a man that hurt me the way I went through and witnessed as a child.

If anyone should have been messed up in life as an adult bcz of the past, it should have been me. But I will never let my past hold me back from having a wonderful future. And I hope that any other woman or young lady that has been abused realize that they do not have to choose or accept a man to spend life with who would treat their future as what they lived in the past. -Tamara

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

I am most concerned when the patterns of control, isolation from friends & family, hints of physical violence, all pre-cursors of full-blown abuse, are mistaken for "cultural differences".

I don't know how many times I've heard women "shrug off" things that should have given them a COMPLETE WAKE UP CALL because she's with a MENA man... Especially the control and isolation parts. It's like once they get involved with someone from another culture they think all the rules for acceptable behavior change. The man gets to bully and control them and they think it's his "true love" for them...

And the part that puzzles me the most is when otherwise strong and seemingly well adjusted women allow this to happen LONG DISTANCE! Being remotely controlled via the net and phones... It just boggles my mind... and makes me wonder how many stitches it will take before they realize that abuse is abuse is abuse... no matter where the abuser is from...

While abuse may be defined differently, or justified differently in other cultures, why are so many American women accepting it from foreign men? Would they also accept it from American men? I guess I don't know... but it just seems like they put up with things from MENA men they wouldn't DREAM of accepting from the guy next door.

[merijan 0]

I am an example of an abused child, who watched my mother abused, prostituted out and murdered by my biological father. I had maybe a year of professional help around the time I was 6yrs old. The memories of what I saw and went through still come into my mind like it just happened yesterday. I was put into a great loving adoptive family with the worlds greatest parents (IMO) . Have a strong faith in GOD and knowing that He is in control, being surrounded with love of family/friends and being an independant strong girl/woman that I am has helped me get through the painful past.

I set my mind and heart dead on from the get go that I would never be with a man that hurt me the way I went through and witnessed as a child.

If anyone should have been messed up in life as an adult bcz of the past, it should have been me. But I will never let my past hold me back from having a wonderful future. And I hope that any other woman or young lady that has been abused realize that they do not have to choose or accept a man to spend life with who would treat their future as what they lived in the past. -Tamara

That is an amazing story. And the fact you took control of your own life is a great testament to your strength in deciding not to let it hold you back. I hope you share this story with others who have gone through such a traumatic experience. It can be a great source for others. thnks for sharing.

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

I am most concerned when the patterns of control, isolation from friends & family, hints of physical violence, all pre-cursors of full-blown abuse, are mistaken for "cultural differences".

I don't know how many times I've heard women "shrug off" things that should have given them a COMPLETE WAKE UP CALL because she's with a MENA man... Especially the control and isolation parts. It's like once they get involved with someone from another culture they think all the rules for acceptable behavior change. The man gets to bully and control them and they think it's his "true love" for them...

And the part that puzzles me the most is when otherwise strong and seemingly well adjusted women allow this to happen LONG DISTANCE! Being remotely controlled via the net and phones... It just boggles my mind... and makes me wonder how many stitches it will take before they realize that abuse is abuse is abuse... no matter where the abuser is from...

While abuse may be defined differently, or justified differently in other cultures, why are so many American women accepting it from foreign men? Would they also accept it from American men? I guess I don't know... but it just seems like they put up with things from MENA men they wouldn't DREAM of accepting from the guy next door.