Checking in.....not sure who remembers me.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I remember you!

[*Maureen* 0]

Glad to see you Maggie and thanks for sharing. Wishing you the best!

[Jasman0717 9]

Congratulations on the green card

[amal 4]

Hello all, Just thought I'd stop by and check in. Sehrab got his 2 year green card last week. He'll be here a year April 4....how's that for speed? haha.

First year for us has had more downs than ups. We almost broke a few times. The people that tell you the first year is the hardest wasn't lying. Sometimes that was the only thing I had to hold on to.

Here's what I learned this past year, this may apply to some, it may not:

Simple misunderstandings- Some of the ways he phrased things sounded hurtful and it's hard to remember that he may not mean it the way it sounded when your feelings are hurt. Even when I would say something he would misunderstand and take it the wrong way. I've seen it happen and I've known it was happening but been unable to straighten it out.

Thinking like your still single- He lived a long time as a single man in him mom's home and even though I was married before for 16 years I had lived my entire life like I was single. Give yourselves some time to adjust...my mistake was I let my insecurities take hold at times. Little things like letting him know when I was leaving, or talking with him before I made a big purchase...for him it was learning to compromise and learning what the differences were as far as his responsiblities toward a wife vs a mother.

Respect- I've heard way to much that I'm not respecting him. Simple things I say or do. Ways he expects me to act. I think he's still reeling from culture shock and learning that he took much about his interactions with women in Jordan for granted. I can't think of an example right now, but you'll see what I'm talking about once he gets here.

Life is not like the movies- I tried to prepare my husband for what it was like here and he really felt like he had an understanding. He admits now that he thought life here was more like what he seen in our movies. He had to come here, live here in order to see what America is truly like. He's learning about racism and the diversity of culture we have here. He was so surprised to learn how spanish is our second language and often commented on how everything was offered in both english and spanish. He also gets upset when he's mistaken for being hispanic and people have no idea where Jordan is or that it's even another country.

Don't spend too much time thinking about what it's going to be like once he's here- Most things we had planned and worked out were defunct once he got here. I think it's normal for people to make plans on being a different person once they are in a different environment, but reality is changing location doesn't change who we are or how we think. I find myself compromising and doing things more the Jordanian way than the American way....nothing big or bad just not the way I'm used to it.

Chatting- Let's face it...we met them online and for most of us we see them online every single free minute. Don't expect that to change, at least not at first. They are sitting home all day while you go to work, homesick, feeling disconnected from everyone they knew...They are still going to chat. We've had many fights about that....I didn't appreciate some of the rooms he was going to or the way the conversation went (but that goes back to thinking like a single person again for him and realizing he had a wife to respect).

Domineering and Controlling- Many times he would insist something had to be done a certain way and I seen him as being domineering and trying to control me. I've realized that for us....that was mostly about him trying to feel he was the man of the house. It's not easy coming here and suddenly your relying on your wife (a woman) for every little thing you need. My husband was and still is somewhat very frustrated by the amount of time it took him to get his work authorization and he's still looking for work even now. So in some ways he overcompensated his other roles as husband and man of the house.

And my insecurities has been the biggest hurdle. I've had trust issues anyway from my marriage before. Then the nagging little questions "did he just want the green card?" I found myself escalating things, pushing him away just to see if he would leave, and you know what? A couple of times he almost did. I'm learning to walk away, calm down, think about what I want to say before I say it and he's learning that I'm not going to approach him the perfect way every time and sometimes I have my moods just like he does. Also...your going to be under increased stress while your adjusting to each other.

He's done some horrible things to me, and I've done some horrible things to him. BUT it's getting better and we are stronger for it.

I'm not saying that this applies or will apply to everyone in our situation. I just want the ones this does apply to know that it can get better....

Here's hoping for a great second year.

This is almost a mirrored image of our life. Maybe it's Jordanians?? nah... maybe we just got it a little tougher than some others. I'm glad you're holding on (and yes I remember you)!! Keep holding on. I'm here for ya!

[Nagishkaw 510]

Welcome back and Congratulations!

[Sandrila 1]

Hello all, Just thought I'd stop by and check in. Sehrab got his 2 year green card last week. He'll be here a year April 4....how's that for speed? haha.

First year for us has had more downs than ups. We almost broke a few times. The people that tell you the first year is the hardest wasn't lying. Sometimes that was the only thing I had to hold on to.

Here's what I learned this past year, this may apply to some, it may not:

Simple misunderstandings- Some of the ways he phrased things sounded hurtful and it's hard to remember that he may not mean it the way it sounded when your feelings are hurt. Even when I would say something he would misunderstand and take it the wrong way. I've seen it happen and I've known it was happening but been unable to straighten it out.

Thinking like your still single- He lived a long time as a single man in him mom's home and even though I was married before for 16 years I had lived my entire life like I was single. Give yourselves some time to adjust...my mistake was I let my insecurities take hold at times. Little things like letting him know when I was leaving, or talking with him before I made a big purchase...for him it was learning to compromise and learning what the differences were as far as his responsiblities toward a wife vs a mother.

Respect- I've heard way to much that I'm not respecting him. Simple things I say or do. Ways he expects me to act. I think he's still reeling from culture shock and learning that he took much about his interactions with women in Jordan for granted. I can't think of an example right now, but you'll see what I'm talking about once he gets here.

Life is not like the movies- I tried to prepare my husband for what it was like here and he really felt like he had an understanding. He admits now that he thought life here was more like what he seen in our movies. He had to come here, live here in order to see what America is truly like. He's learning about racism and the diversity of culture we have here. He was so surprised to learn how spanish is our second language and often commented on how everything was offered in both english and spanish. He also gets upset when he's mistaken for being hispanic and people have no idea where Jordan is or that it's even another country.

Don't spend too much time thinking about what it's going to be like once he's here- Most things we had planned and worked out were defunct once he got here. I think it's normal for people to make plans on being a different person once they are in a different environment, but reality is changing location doesn't change who we are or how we think. I find myself compromising and doing things more the Jordanian way than the American way....nothing big or bad just not the way I'm used to it.

Chatting- Let's face it...we met them online and for most of us we see them online every single free minute. Don't expect that to change, at least not at first. They are sitting home all day while you go to work, homesick, feeling disconnected from everyone they knew...They are still going to chat. We've had many fights about that....I didn't appreciate some of the rooms he was going to or the way the conversation went (but that goes back to thinking like a single person again for him and realizing he had a wife to respect).

Domineering and Controlling- Many times he would insist something had to be done a certain way and I seen him as being domineering and trying to control me. I've realized that for us....that was mostly about him trying to feel he was the man of the house. It's not easy coming here and suddenly your relying on your wife (a woman) for every little thing you need. My husband was and still is somewhat very frustrated by the amount of time it took him to get his work authorization and he's still looking for work even now. So in some ways he overcompensated his other roles as husband and man of the house.

And my insecurities has been the biggest hurdle. I've had trust issues anyway from my marriage before. Then the nagging little questions "did he just want the green card?" I found myself escalating things, pushing him away just to see if he would leave, and you know what? A couple of times he almost did. I'm learning to walk away, calm down, think about what I want to say before I say it and he's learning that I'm not going to approach him the perfect way every time and sometimes I have my moods just like he does. Also...your going to be under increased stress while your adjusting to each other.

He's done some horrible things to me, and I've done some horrible things to him. BUT it's getting better and we are stronger for it.

I'm not saying that this applies or will apply to everyone in our situation. I just want the ones this does apply to know that it can get better....

Here's hoping for a great second year.

i just want to say thank you for sharing

your experience will surely help others who are going through similiar issues

I agree with you whole heartedly with what we think is going to happen and what will actually happen are 2 different things.

Good Luck with your life here together and God give you the strength to endure the hard times, although I wish for you the good times are more

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Maggie,

Thanks for sharing your experience with everyone. I DO remember you, you were one of the first ladies I ever talked to on VJ

I wish you the best and Im glad you guys are working at it dispite the adjustments

Lisa

[myheartwillgoon 0]

Well my first few months with my husband was horrible. Not from him but from me. I took a Depo shot for birth control that I had never done before just a few days before he came. Im not good at remembering so my mom put me on this shot. It made me crazy, I hated him and everyone else. I told him everyday that I didnt want to be married to him and wanted him to go back to Egypt just for no reason at all. I cried and cried and was depressed for no reason. I had never lived away from home so that was stressful but this shot made me crazy!! I was almost suicidal at times. It was so bad it didnt take long for us to figure out what was wrong. It takes 3 months to wear off this shot. We found Depo shot horror stories all over the net but it was too late. So here he was in small town USA with a population of 30,000 in the hills of Kentucky. He learned to ignore my moods and hang in there and count the months this shot would go away. I would be so mean and he would be so sweet, then I would cry and say whats wrong with me. I think in a way, it helped him to adjust because he was definitely having to hold me together. He had to be the man of the house with no help from me because I was a mess. I was always sick feeling, or mad, or nervous or sleeping, so he did everything. He got his drivers license quickly. It did take 4 months to get to his work permit and find employment, this part was hard for him. My shot finally did wear off thank god, and my sanity returned. If he didnt leave after all that, he is staying for the long haul I believe. He would just get mad at my mom every time I would go crazy instead of me. I would tell him to go back to Egypt... and he would look to my mom and tell her he was going to kill her for giving me that shot. HEHE. Now its been a year and we are going to visit Egypt next month to see his family. He has been on the computer alot this past year, talking to his family all the time. He works all the time and I go to school we just make the most of the time we are together.

[childress_london 3]

I've already experienced some of what the OP describes and we are not even living together yet. Ha ha... Maybe we'll have it all ironed out by the time he gets here. Nooo...I think we'll just have new issues to deal with. :-P But the one thing that brought it home, besides the misunderstandings (we had a lot of that in the beginning, less so now, but it still happens), is when he would think I wasn't respecting him. Because of cultural differences, and a different understanding of English (even though he is fluent), we have had a lot of conversations on a lot of serious issues already. I must say that I am still impressed with his ability to be open minded and listen to my side as well as his willingness to compromise.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I've already experienced some of what the OP describes and we are not even living together yet. Ha ha... Maybe we'll have it all ironed out by the time he gets here. Nooo...I think we'll just have new issues to deal with. :-P But the one thing that brought it home, besides the misunderstandings (we had a lot of that in the beginning, less so now, but it still happens), is when he would think I wasn't respecting him. Because of cultural differences, and a different understanding of English (even though he is fluent), we have had a lot of conversations on a lot of serious issues already. I must say that I am still impressed with his ability to be open minded and listen to my side as well as his willingness to compromise.

I think thats the key to solve 99% of any issue that arises.

[childress_london 3]

I've already experienced some of what the OP describes and we are not even living together yet. Ha ha... Maybe we'll have it all ironed out by the time he gets here. Nooo...I think we'll just have new issues to deal with. :-P But the one thing that brought it home, besides the misunderstandings (we had a lot of that in the beginning, less so now, but it still happens), is when he would think I wasn't respecting him. Because of cultural differences, and a different understanding of English (even though he is fluent), we have had a lot of conversations on a lot of serious issues already. I must say that I am still impressed with his ability to be open minded and listen to my side as well as his willingness to compromise.

I think thats the key to solve 99% of any issue that arises.

Definitely.

[lazylivn 0]

be open minded and listen to my side as well as his willingness to compromise.

I think thats the key to solve 99% of any issue that arises.

That is absolutely true. In my situtation, he was very open minded and adjusted to change easily.....when he was in Jordan. Here in the USA it's a completely different story.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

be open minded and listen to my side as well as his willingness to compromise.

I think thats the key to solve 99% of any issue that arises.

That is absolutely true. In my situtation, he was very open minded and adjusted to change easily.....when he was in Jordan. Here in the USA it's a completely different story.

Nice to see you

Well, I wonder why that changed/changes? Do you think its the stress of everything changing around them?

Anyway, Im glad to hear you are doing well and working through everything

[lazylivn 0]

great post!!! I haven't met you before but you really seem to understand the things we should hear. I've learned already to grow a thick skin and a sense of humor from both the military and retail management but it came as a sting when he would say things without "sugar coating" it. I am learning and it is all part of the process about learning about eachother more.

I have found if I am clear with what I need he will do it but hinting is not a good thing they just don't pick up on it nor sarcasim not sure if that is the culture or my husband but.... all part of learning

Yes I agree with this, hinting and sarcasm go completely over his head. I've had to learn to be direct, in a nice respectful way of course.

[lazylivn 0]

Nice to see you

Well, I wonder why that changed/changes? Do you think its the stress of everything changing around them?

Anyway, Im glad to hear you are doing well and working through everything

Yes I think that's exactly it. He come here and nothing is like he's used to, nothing was like he thought it was going to be. He's had nothing even resembling a routine in his life since he's been here. For awhile he was having trouble adjusting to even little changes..i.e We would plan on going to the bank then the store when I got home from work....I would call him cause something came up at work and tell him I was going to be late, I'll stop by the bank on the way home before they close and come get you to go to the store. His response was....but you told me.....we had planned.....why are you always changing plans on me? This was an extreme example of it, but it has happened. He had gotten to the point where he was unable to even accept a small change to what he wanted or expected. Things are much better now that he's had some time to adjust but still I'm careful about upsetting the routine or changing plans without too much warning. I'm a go with the flo kind of person...I'm used to always adjusting my plans depending on how the day is going. I really don't need much routine other than a normal sleep pattern. It works well and in my work I need to be like that.