I should have ditched feminism for love, children and baking

[Danno 1,228]

I felt this was a thought provoking article.

Madonna syndrome: I should have ditched feminism for love, children and baking

A playwright who embraced the feminism espoused by her mother and flaunted by Madonna now feels betrayed

Zoe Lewis

I never thought I would be saying this, but being a free woman isn't all it's cracked up to be. Is that the rustle of taffeta I hear as the suffragettes turn in their graves? Possibly. My mother was a hippy who kept a pile of (dusty) books by Germaine Greer and Erica Jong by her bed (like every good feminist, she didn't see why she should do all the cleaning). She imbued me with the great values of choice, equality and sexual liberation. I fought with my older brother and won; at university I beat the rugby lads at drinking games. I was not to be messed with.

Now, nearly 37, those same values leave me feeling cold. I want love and children but they are nowhere to be seen. I feel like a UN inspector sent in to Iraq only to find that there never were any weapons of mass destruction. I was led to believe that women could “have it all” and, more to the point, that we wanted it all. To that end I have spent 20 years ruthlessly pursuing my dreams - to be a successful playwright. I have sacrificed all my womanly duties and laid it all at the altar of a career. And was it worth it? The answer has to be a resounding no.

Ten years ago The Times ran a piece about my play Paradise Syndrome. It was based on my girlfriends in the music business. All we did was party, work and drink. The play sold out and I thought: “This is it! I'm going to have it all: success, power and men are going to adore me for it.” In reality it was the beginning of years of hard slog, rejection letters and living on the breadline. A decade on, I have written the follow-up play Touched for the Very First Time in which Lesley, played by Sadie Frost, is an ordinary 14-year-old from Manchester who falls in love with Madonna in 1984 after hearing the song Like a Virgin. She religiously follows her icon through the years, as Madonna sells her the ultimate dream: “You can do anything - be anything - go girl.” Lesley discovers, along with Madonna, that trying to “have it all” is a huge gamble. I wrote the play because so many of my girlfriends were inspired by this bullish woman who allowed us to be strong and sexy. I still love her and always will, but she has encouraged us to chase a fantasy and it's a huge disappointment.

I may be an extreme case. My views may not represent those of other women of my generation. Perhaps I am just a spoilt middle-class girl who had a career and who has now changed her mind? I don't think so. This month the General Household Survey found that the number of unmarried women under 50 has more than doubled over the past 30 years. And by the age of 30, one in five of these “freemales”, who have chosen independence over husband and family, has gone through a broken cohabitation.

I argue that women's libbers of the Sixties and Seventies put careerism at the forefront, trampling the traditional role of women underneath their Doc Martens. I wish a more balanced view of womanhood had been available to me. I wish that being a housewife or a mother wasn't such a toxic idea to middle-class liberals of yesteryear.

Increasing numbers of my feminist friends are giving up their careers for love and children and baking. I wish I'd had kids ten years ago, when time was on my side, but the problem is not so much time as mentality. I made a conscious decision not to have serious relationships because I thought I had all the time in the world. Many of my friends did the same. It's about understanding what is important in life, and from what I see and feel, loving relationships and children bring more happiness than work ever can.

Natasha Hidvegi, 37, has left her job as a surgeon to look after her son. “I found it impossible to be a good surgeon and a good mother. Though it was a horrendous decision, I don't regret it.”

I thought that men would love independent, strong women, but (in general) they don't appear to. Men are programmed to like their women soft and feminine. It's not their fault - it's in the genes. Holly Kendrick, 34, who holds a high-status job in the theatre, agrees: “Men tend to be freaked out if you work as hard as them.” This is why many of my girlfriends are still alone. The truth, though, is not that men haven't accepted women's modernity - the alpha woman who never questions her entitlement to the same jobs, fun and sexual gratification as them - but that women haven't either. I feel a great pressure from other women of my generation, who have partners and kids, to join their club. In their eyes I am not the trailblazer but the failure. My friend Rita Arnold, 36, works in marketing. “It's not men who judge me for being a careerist. It's other women. The claws come out.” <snip>.....

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_an...icle5662099.ece

[justashooter 430]

a playwirght? get serious. get a real job, and leave playwriting to silver spoon kids who don't have to make a living.

[Danno 1,228]

[Jenn! 918]

"This is it! I'm going to have it all: success, power and men are going to adore me for it."

...

I thought that men would love independent, strong women, but (in general) they don't appear to.

Uh, duh.

And her conclusion is that she was deceived by women's lib? Being a pioneer isn't easy and it's not for everyone.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

It's not men who judge me for being a careerist. It's other women. The claws come out.”

Ah, well, you can't go around caring what other women think all the time.

To be perfectly honest, I think I have acheived the best compromise: I had only one child. Spent the first two years either at home or working part-time, then got a full-time job. I have my family and my job and I am satisfied with both. Ideally, I would like to go back to working part-time and staying at home part-time, but that will be another two years or so at least. I'd like my husband to be able to do that too if there was a way we could swing it with health insurance. ATM, it is really not that important. I don't feel cheated by anyone.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Waaah.

Quitcherbitchin', Zoe, and blaming others for your decisions.

[Danno 1,228]

It's not men who judge me for being a careerist. It's other women. The claws come out.”

Ah, well, you can't go around caring what other women think all the time.

To be perfectly honest, I think I have acheived the best compromise: I had only one child. Spent the first two years either at home or working part-time, then got a full-time job. I have my family and my job and I am satisfied with both. Ideally, I would like to go back to working part-time and staying at home part-time, but that will be another two years or so at least. I'd like my husband to be able to do that too if there was a way we could swing it with health insurance. ATM, it is really not that important. I don't feel cheated by anyone.

It's seems to be working out well for you and many other families however, is it a wise "long range" plan?

What I mean is: if everyone were doing what you do (in fact many are) you will have cut the population in half in one generation.

IN my wifes Country this is a huge problem as having single kid is like normal.

Seems the only solution is to import folks from countries which embrace large families.

Let's see.... "Germanistan", I guess it flows off the tongue easy enough

[Peikko 1,575]

Waaah.

Quitcherbitchin', Zoe, and blaming others for your decisions.

Joyce, such an inspiration to other women. Zoe doesn't need to go far to find a great role model

It's not men who judge me for being a careerist. It's other women. The claws come out."

Ah, well, you can't go around caring what other women think all the time.

To be perfectly honest, I think I have acheived the best compromise: I had only one child. Spent the first two years either at home or working part-time, then got a full-time job. I have my family and my job and I am satisfied with both. Ideally, I would like to go back to working part-time and staying at home part-time, but that will be another two years or so at least. I'd like my husband to be able to do that too if there was a way we could swing it with health insurance. ATM, it is really not that important. I don't feel cheated by anyone.

It's seems to be working out well for you and many other families however, is it a wise "long range" plan?

What I mean is: if everyone were doing what you do (in fact many are) you will have cut the population in half in one generation.

IN my wifes Country this is a huge problem as having single kid is like normal.

Seems the only solution is to import folks from countries which embrace large families.

Let's see.... "Germanistan", I guess it flows off the tongue easy enough

I think that would be welcome. The planet is over populated.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Waaah.

Quitcherbitchin', Zoe, and blaming others for your decisions.

Joyce, such an inspiration to other women. Zoe doesn't need to go far to find a great role model

And groovy threads!

[Imua 0]

Waaah.

Quitcherbitchin', Zoe, and blaming others for your decisions.

Joyce, such an inspiration to other women. Zoe doesn't need to go far to find a great role model

It's not men who judge me for being a careerist. It's other women. The claws come out."

Ah, well, you can't go around caring what other women think all the time.

To be perfectly honest, I think I have acheived the best compromise: I had only one child. Spent the first two years either at home or working part-time, then got a full-time job. I have my family and my job and I am satisfied with both. Ideally, I would like to go back to working part-time and staying at home part-time, but that will be another two years or so at least. I'd like my husband to be able to do that too if there was a way we could swing it with health insurance. ATM, it is really not that important. I don't feel cheated by anyone.

It's seems to be working out well for you and many other families however, is it a wise "long range" plan?

What I mean is: if everyone were doing what you do (in fact many are) you will have cut the population in half in one generation.

IN my wifes Country this is a huge problem as having single kid is like normal.

Seems the only solution is to import folks from countries which embrace large families.

Let's see.... "Germanistan", I guess it flows off the tongue easy enough

I think that would be welcome. The planet is over populated.

Yep - google 'overshoot' and 'dieoff'.

If it weren't for fossil fuels and fertilizers (the 'Green Revolution') then we wouldn't have the population explosion we have today. The earth's population is beyond what it could support(overshoot) were it not for those artificial supports. When those fossil fuels and fertilizers are no longer available then there will be massive dieoff due mostly to starvation. Already we are seeing food shortages and riots in many developing nations, eventually it will be global. Better to control the population now rather than have today's babies starve to death in the near future.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

It's seems to be working out well for you and many other families however, is it a wise "long range" plan?

What I mean is: if everyone were doing what you do (in fact many are) you will have cut the population in half in one generation.

IN my wifes Country this is a huge problem as having single kid is like normal.

Seems the only solution is to import folks from countries which embrace large families.

The problem is modern life. Back 200 years ago, it made perfect sense to breed like a rat. You needed an heir, chattel to marry off, free labor, old age caretakers. A good percentage of your children would not live to adulthood, so you needed to have as many as possible to increase the odds. Children were pure economic sense.

Today, what of that is true? Absolutely none of it for your average city dweller. And then to boot, First World children are outrageously expensive and provide next to nothing for the family economically. Most children born in the First World will survive to adulthood, no problem. What is the incentive to having large families or even more than one or two children? I guess I could ho them out like circus freaks on TLC for some cash, but otherwise? I just simply do not see the point.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Yep - google 'overshoot' and 'dieoff'.

If it weren't for fossil fuels and fertilizers (the 'Green Revolution') then we wouldn't have the population explosion we have today. The earth's population is beyond what it could support(overshoot) were it not for those artificial supports. When those fossil fuels and fertilizers are no longer available then there will be massive dieoff due mostly to starvation. Already we are seeing food shortages and riots in many developing nations, eventually it will be global. Better to control the population now rather than have today's babies starve to death in the near future.

dont forget to blame advances in medicine, have played a large role in the population "boom".

as far as the story...ya, i think there is a middle ground. My mom taught me that women could "do anything" "be anything". I believe that, but ultimately there are sacrifices to be made. make a choice and deal with it!

[Chica Yeyé 41]

What a loser. Really. "I want love and children but they are nowhere to be seen". And how is Feminism to blame for her lack of either??? Really. Cry me a river.

[Peikko 1,575]

She did describes herself perfectly in one line:

...Perhaps I am just a spoilt middle-class girl...?

We have a winner!

[SpiritAlight 1]

The thing is "love and children" are still readily available to her....whether to have them herself or find a partner who has some...or even adopt.

She could even teach writing (classes, seminars, whatever) to kids and be around them day-to-day.

But hey...she is so full of ####### that I gagged reading her drivel.

What her mom did is commendable....teaching her self-reliance and supporting her in becoming an artist/playwrite.

Not having children is a choice both married and single women make every day/year.

This is not the issue.

She is unhappy because she says an assertive, independent woman has a hard time finding a man to complement her.

There are not many men, nor women that can handle an outspoken person who lives their truth....and life with full-on conviction.

Yes , it is challenging to find someone, AND not impossible.

I did it.

There are men out there that do not need to have a woman live in their shadow.

Who would accept that?!

Edited February 12, 2009 by SpiritAlight