Looking for Support, or Not!

[Emancipation 2]

tee hee.. Miss Carla already volunteers.. She is a

[Flames9_RN 358]

Congrats on the weight loss, super job!! 1 of my sisters is a RN Diabetes coordinator in Calgary. I am in a similar situation, I have been in the USA since Dec 2004 and never really worked, fortunate to be in a situation where I could goto school and not have to worry about working because of my wife's job! I always get a kick out of the question "Doesn't it belittle you to know your wife makes more than you?" Hell no, more the merrier,lol But my free ride comes to end soon, as school will be over, and back to the real world! I have no real wisdom to pass on, except to talk to ur husband and go from there. I think you already volunteer, but I understand ya want to put some $$$$$ towards the family income. Don't you get a pension from the Cdn govt?? During my EMT B course, we had a lot of older people on it, then they would volunteer at the local fire hall/ambulance! Most had a blast that i talked with! Best of luck, and keep smiling

[SpiritAlight 1]

Without reading this whole thread, I just wanted to respond to your post Carlawarla.

Allow me to start with guilt for not working.

There is a fundamental problem with Westernized people: the feeling that life is about HARD work.

It isn't.

Ailments, also known as: dis-ease.

Out of ease.

You know?

When someone harbours feelings of guilt, self-deprecation, martyrdom, etc etc etc, one gets sick.

You are lovable, loved, and you love others.

That is every thing.

Sleep issues. I have 'em.

Many of us over-thinkers, over-achiever types do.

To find the ability to make time to clean up/clear out the mind from over-analysis is critical.

Meditation and/or simply quiet time.

An artist date (art gallery, architecture walk, etc) with yourself, or a walk in the woods/park/beach/somewhere quiet is wonder-full.

Money. If it abundant there is no need to worry. And because you have enough and maybe others do not is no need to feel guilty.

Share what you can, and use what you need.

It is the spirit in which you do things that builds a good character/personality.

i.e. It is not what you do....it is how you do it.

Same as not what you say, but how you say it.

Well, I hope all of the loving VJ support helps you figure it out.

In the end no one can truly advise anyone. Only your Self can do that.

Advice is a dangerous thing.

With Love & Light,

Spirit

Edited February 12, 2009 by SpiritAlight

[Kathryn41 3,205]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Carla))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

,

I could have written the same letter. You echo many of the feelings I am going through as well - the guilt, the feelings of worthlessness, the concern about not doing enough to contribute when I cost a lot of money as well, the problems with insurance not wanting to cover my diabetes medicine so copays of $180 for test strips and insulin, dental concerns, health issues - and then worry about my husband who works hard to support us and I feel I am not pulling my weight, especially when he works so hard. I wish I knew the answer because I am dealing with this one myself. I have worked very part time but when we did the income tax return it actually cost us money, so I understand that limitation too. As much as Joe tells me it is my decision and he doesn't begrudge me any of it, I have to deal with myself and my own feelings - so I well understand where you are coming from. I would have to earn a lot of money to make it worthwhile, but that is unlikely since my last job doesn't transfer south of the border and there are no openings in fields with my training. We also looked at the other liabilities - no time off, still having to manage the household and cooking, etc. There is no guarantee that medical benefits would be available either as a lot of jobs don't have benefits. I can't really discuss much of this with Joe either, especially as I just have the problems and don't have the answers.

I wish I did have some answers. I never thought I would ever be in this position and realize I probably wouldn't be if I was just on my own. It is part of being that partnership where you wonder if you are really being a full partner or not and that is a difficult thing with which to deal -(. I actually believe that I am facing depression now because of these issues. You may want to look at that possibility for yourself as as well. There is a book I am finding useful: Undoing Depression - What Therapy Doesn't Teach you and Medication Can't Give you by Richard O'connor, Berkley Books, NY 1997. It is helping to explain what and why I am feeling like this.

I do have some suggestions for the sleep issues. Especially with diabetes, our bodies use minerals and vitamins in different ways and certain ones get depleted more easily. Take an extra calcium/magnesium supplement and extra vitamin D in addition to your current multi-vitamin. Magnesium deficiency is a big cause of insomnia. Also consider taking 5HTP and on especially hard to sleep nights, add valerian. I used to have extremely restless nights and I find that this works.

Good luck.

Edited February 12, 2009 by Kathryn41

[minnew 4]

Just my two cents Carla,

After working for 26 years and caring so much for others, its time to take care of yourself and you have been! Congratulations on being healthier! Maybe some of your guilt is because there are so many people out there that don't have the luxury of not being able to work and access to money, but it is nothing to feel guilty for, you have worked hard and put in your time! My father is retiring at the end of the month and he's only in his mid 50's! but he's worked for SaskPower for 35 years! I think you are still attempting to care about others in a way that you have no control over, this recession has hurt alot of people! Anyways, hope you are doing well and take care!

[Carlawarla 1]

I am so overwhelmed by all of your support, warmth and kindness. I was really having a rough day yesterday, and yes, particularly because I was sleep deprived. Everyone really helped cement my belief that I had to talk to Gene and damn the tears! So I'm vulnerable...who better to be vulnerable with? The safety of the love and concern of my husband is what I need at a time like this.

Gene and I talked last night. What a relief. We both bawled our eyes out. Me, for getting all of this out...him for saying he didn't realize I was feeling this way, and concerned about my happiness. I know it hurts him when I'm troubled.

I can't expect Gene to read my mind. Telling him allowed him to reassure me that my contributions to our marriage have an enormous impact on our life together, and shouldn't be dismissed.

So many of you mentioned the guilt I might feel, and I can assure you, that is part of it. Guilt that I don't have to work I think.

For those of you that mentioned volunteering. I'm an avid volunteer, and have been so since coming to the US. In fact, even when I was employed full time, I was an active volunteer in my community in Canada. I currently volunteer two half days a week, and additionally an on-call crisis investigator as well, so this isn't about being bored or not having enough to fill my days.

I do appreciate the suggestion though!

Thanks for the congratulations on my health and lifestyle changes. I have mentioned them before, and how being diagnosed enabled me to see this as an opportunity for change, and it certainly has. Physically. I think the emotional side still needs some work.

A work in progress no?

Being financially dependent on someone is difficult, but Gene helped with that as well, reminding me that I'm not "dependent" on him. We're married, our finances are co-mingled, what's his is ours and vice versa, and that there is more than enough to meet all my medical needs.

We truly are a team and I need to remember that. We had so many bumps and twists in our relationship, and he's always been there for me, as I've been there for him.

I'm also reminded of the support, guidence and love I have here from so many of you.

I can't thank you enough for all your help.

Hugs

Edited February 13, 2009 by Carlawarla

[Reba 2]

Don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said Carla, so I'll just reinterate. Sit down and talk to Gene and tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you're worried that your recent medical expenses are adding up, and will continue to rise, and you're thinking about taking a part time job to cover some expenses. (I wouldn't worry about the vacation time, one thing I've found about part time jobs is they're always willing to give you time off so they don't have to pay you )

Ask him point blank how the money sitch is. Money is ALWAYS a tricky subject in marriages, and quite often is the downfall of many. But it doesn't have to be if you talk about it and sort it out.

And don't worry if you cry. You're tired, you're worried, you're female. It's almost expected.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[trailmix 77]

[SpiritAlight 1]

There is strength in vulnerability.

To surrender takes courage.

(F) (F)

Edited February 13, 2009 by SpiritAlight

[Emancipation 2]

Bravo Carla... well done and I'm so glad that you & Gene can communicate together.. what a gift and what a model for the rest of us!!!

[JillA 2]

Hi Carla,

So happy to hear you talked and let it all out, communication is such a great remedy. Sometimes, crying makes you feel a million times better Sounds like you have an understanding and really sweet hubby!

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Carla - I wanted to respond earlier yesetrday and then was side tracked. I'm glad that talking with your husband worked out just fine. He's a lucky dude and I'm sure he knows it, just as you are equally lucky. I think you've echoed what many of us (woman in particular) are feeling as we get down here and settled in. So many of us have been independent and moving here meant becoming dependent wholly or partially for a while on SO's. Such a hard position to be in and not feel like you're a burden or boring or whiny or inadequate.

I don't see how anyone who does as much as you do, who offers wonder thoughts and advice here too - could ever, ever be a burden! You are a gem and so vibrant. You helped me and PM'd when I've had some rough spots earlier this year and it helped me a lot!

I never did get around to reading that one Oprah book - did you? Maybe it's time to pull it out - the one about Life's purpose.

Beckie (aka Udella)

[MrsCat 6]

I can't expect Gene to read my mind. Telling him allowed him to reassure me that my contributions to our marriage have an enormous impact on our life together, and shouldn't be dismissed.

Glad you two talked it out.

Big Hug!