Looking for Support, or Not!

[Carlawarla 1]

I am not someone who complains at all. In fact, Gene often gets after me for not saying things, and/or always looking at the bright side of things. Part of my whole relationship with Gene was/is been trying to be true to myself, taking care of myself and MY feelings. It's a hard job to do after so many years of taking care of my now ex, and his emotional health, my children of course, and my field of employment for 26 years where my primary responsibility has been taking care of others.

In my attempt to better take care of myself, I've been good about not letting things go, when I'm not feeling well physically. Hence, in September of last year, not feeling well, during my once a year women's health exam, I told the Dr. about not feeling well. I went for blood tests etc. and was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.

Fast forward several months now....I've lost 27 pounds, my blood sugar is very well managed and I've never felt physically better. I'm active, alert, exercising and eating healthy. So why am I bummed out? Well, I've not been sleeping well since we got back from vacation I think because of what is going on in my head.

For those of you that don't know me...I retired after 26 years working for the Gov't. in Canada. We both decided, due to many reasons, that I wouldn't work after we got married. Gene makes very good money at his job, and there was no financial reason for me to work; my comparable job here would result in me making a ton less money that I was in Canada; a job in my comparable field, or any other job in fact would not allow me time off in conjunction with Gene who gets a lot of time off for vacation and we wanted to use that time for travelling and vacationing at this point of our lives.

Am I rambling?

So I've been waking up at night disturbed and wondering if I shouldn't be working now. Not full time, certainly not in the high stress field in I was in Canada, but something. My medication which I've had to switch to Name Brand instead of generic because the specific generic brand I was on wasn't working, coupled with my testing supplies, Dr.'s visits are at about $100.00 a month now. That I could probably live with...but a few other things have come up....the Dr. isn't happy with my BP...so I might be looking at having to take BP medication...and my gums, on my lower front, have been swollen and aching for several months now, but lately...not good at all. I think I have some gum disease, and should be making an appointment with the Dentist. We don't have dental coverage.

So I've been feeling a little guilty lately. I come down here, and start to have all these problems. Yes, I'm getting older, and some of these things were bound to come up...a little earlier than expected however in my mind! I've been feeling so guilty about all I've been "costing" Gene in health expenses since I've been down here, and anticipating even more. Of course Gene is healthy as a horse, and doesn't take any medication and hasn't even ever had a cavity! Ugh.

I know, given I've not been sleeping well, that I need to talk to Gene about how I'm feeling. I'm afraid I can't do so, without feeling SO vulnerable, and probably crying. I know it's not just about "working". I know I contribute to our household in so many other ways. I just don't know if I'm going to "get over" this on my own, without talking to him about it. Particularly since I don't have close enough friends here to talk about it with.

I guess I'm looking for something...from my friends here. Should I just be looking for a job to help out with these medical expenses? Am I over "thinking" this whole thing? I know that my working could as well impact on the taxes we pay, and Gene once said, that any job, even part-time would probably negate any wages I'd make in terms of the tax we'd have to pay on those wages.

I feel guilty as well, that I'm able to not work, that we can go on vacation, that I have unlimited access to money...

I am definitely going to talk to Gene about how I'm feeling, I guess I just have to determine how I can best do that in a calm assertive manner without feeling so vulnerable. I am vulnerable right now. Sometimes that's a scary place. If it sounds like I'm whining, please let me know. If you could help me sort through this, it would be appreciated. I'm reaching out...or trying to....

[Emancipation 2]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Carla))))))))))))))))))))))))))) you have been such a cheerleader & advocate for so many here and in your life, how could we not support you right now???

Some thoughts that come to mind, is that you are a very strong lady, and I know that having someone take care of you esp. now is difficult for you, but as you also point out you do so much in terms of volunteering, around the house, and you & Gene have the luxury to be able to travel and go where you want to is a wonderful result of you not working. It seems like you have had peace and actually enjoyed not working up to this point so my hunch is that this is for the best. This is a time where you need to take time for you.. your whole life, raising your children, & working hard at your career has been about someone else, and I don't think right now is the time to race out and get to work. I'm sure that Gene loves you and wants you to get better #1 and if not working makes you happy (or if working makes you happy) or if standing on your head meditating makes you happy he would want you to do that..

As for the bills.. honey.. you are in a partnership.. right now might be a time where it feels you are leaning on him, but I'm sure there have been times and will be times in the future where he will lean heavily on you.. please don't be tempted to keep score.. that is not where it's at..

And you are a beautiful person, and I know there is not a bone in your body that would take advantage of any situation.. you need to take care of you in this situation..

and as far as talking to him in an unemotional way.. sometimes I find an email or a letter works wonders.. gives you time to formulate and then encourages discussion about it after you have emotionally released it..

Edited February 12, 2009 by Emancipation

[Sprailenes 47]

Carla, you have worked hard your entire life, and unless you two are in dire need of money then perhaps you should just leave well enough alone? I mean does Gene seem stressed out about your medical costs at all? Does he drop subtle hints about money? Ask yourself this: "Are we okay?"

What is the answer?

Its normal to feel guilty when we are sick and our family has to take care of us. But I personally think that as long as you and Gene are okay financially, then you are fine. However maybe you should just let Gene know: "If things get tight, I am ready and able to find a job"

Just to let him know.

[trailmix 77]

I feel guilty as well, that I'm able to not work, that we can go on vacation, that I have unlimited access to money...

Awww Carla, i'm so sorry you are feeling bad.

You know, one thing that came to mind when I was reading this is - you aren't sleeping well. As you know, when you are tired you don't really fire on all cylinders and that is probably contributing to that vunerable feeling you are...feeling.

I think the line above is pretty much it in a nutshell? I can relate to this somewhat, I too feel 'guilty' sometimes about not working. You also lay out the facts:

- Gene has mentioned that any part time earnings would probably be taken back in taxes (in fact with wages the way they are here you will probably be paying them to work part-time )

- You agreed before you even got married that you wouldn't be working once you got married.

Now I understand that you are thinking well - maybe Gene has changed his mind now! But I doubt that is the case.

It is going to be really difficult for you to discuss this with him without babbling - because you are tired and I know that you are probably thinking well, if i'm a crying babbler, how can Gene talk to me about this? Well there is no good answer to that one but - I think you already know what his reply is going to be - babbling or not.

Maybe what you should be asking yourself is, if you did go to work - what would it take away from what you both enjoy so much now?

- There would be no extended vacations each year

- You would have less energy - so your beautiful home cooked meals would probably somewhat fall by the wayside from time to time.

- You wouldn't have as much time or energy for stuff you both enjoy, long walks, geocaching

Try to remember that this is not all one sided, that what you do is no less than what Gene does. Because you are tired you are probably focusing on all the negatives of not working, rather than what you contribute to your happy lives together.

Edited February 12, 2009 by trailmix

[JillA 2]

Carla,

Big hugs to you!! First of all, congrats on all of your accomplishments. You raised children, had a successful career, and are feeling great physically. That is something to be proud of.

I'm sure Gene will listen to your feelings openly; after all marriage is for better or for worse, through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer! No matter how you feel, whether you think it's silly or whatnot, it's how you feel and that's nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing better than communication, in my opinion. Just sit down and express to Gene your feelings, tell him what you have written down today!!

"Should I just be looking for a job to help out with these medical expenses?" I don't think so, not right away and not without discussing it with Gene first. I'm sure that he probably won't want you to do that, and will reassure you it will all be fine.

Sometimes I have feelings of guilt myself, since I'm not working either. I can't work yet, but I still feel bad because Glen is paying for rent, all the bills, our car insurance, food, gas, etc. all on his salary. We are getting by OK, but there isn't much extra at the end of the month. Plus, he's also paying for my BP meds and co-pay on my doctors and dental appts. I do have some savings that I could contribute, but we're keeping that aside for now. And the fact that not many people understand the whole AOS/EAD situation, it's hard to explain. Oftentimes his friends or family will say "have you found a job yet?" and I keep telling them I can't work yet, it makes me think they're thinking I'm lazy or something. I feel bad that he's paying for everything, and when I want to go to Target and buy a new mascara or something I feel guilty b/c it's his $$. That being said, marriage is a partnership and you're always there for eachother. I know there's no point in feeling bad about it, because he's my husband and he's fine with the situation.

I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal.... but the best thing to do I think would be to sit down with Gene and discuss your feelings and concerns openly. You two will figure out what is best, together!

It sounds as if you have a great marriage and lifestyle, which is nothing to feel bad about! Going on vacation and enjoying life is a wonderful thing. You worked hard your entire life, and now you're enjoying what is out there!

P.S. don't feel bad about crying, if it happens it happens, Gene will understand your feelings I'm sure! It's OK to let your guard down sometimes.

[MsZ 6]

Is it just the money? Or is it more than that. It seems like you are afraid that you are a burden and that it conflicts with your sense of being a contributor.

First, you know you have to talk to him so just do it. It is OK if you cry. So what? He's your husband. He can handle it.

And if you really want to go back to work, go back to work!

When I stopped working to do the stay-at-home mom thing, it was an adjustment and I had a tough time getting used to it. I liked contributing economically. But I had the kids and it made sense to give them my time and attention while they were little. I returned to work with renewed energy and with a sense of purpose that maybe I didn't have before I had left work. So it was a good thing in the end.

Just talk to your husband. He loves you and will support whatever you decide, I'm sure.

[R and F 34]

You are strong, beautiful and so full of life. God will see that you will get through it all. And Gene sounds like such a great guy. I wish you lots of love and happiness always.

[Danu 19]

Hugs for you!

Carla, from what you have posted you have done soooooo much for everyone else, so its natural that now when you have alone and relaxing time your brain goes on over drive thinking you should be doing this and that and the other thing. I agree totally with trailmix that lack of sleep doesn't help with that at all. You did raise some good points though.

Gene and you discussed the financial situation before, and he has a point that if you do work, it could mean you pay more to do so. You should talk to him about your concerns though about the health stuff, because he does need to hear it and he can give you a big hug and tell you everything is ok . Crying isn't a bad thing, I definately understand how it makes you feel to think of breaking down in front of him, but hey, you are human. And he loves you so much, I'm sure he would want to comfort you though this time.

Another thought that came to me is that if part of what you are feeling is due to the fact that you are a bit bored at home, if he can help convince you that your money worries are unfounded...you could always do something like volunteering somewhere for some of your free time. Pick something you think is a worthy cause. My dad does this now that he has retired becuase he can't be at home 24/7 without driving himself nuts. But he can go in as much or as little as he wants, take vacation time, whatever. Sure it won't help bring in money, but this might not be all about money either, it could just be that you are so use to having something to do that it feels foreign to you to not be working.

Definately talk to Gene and then choose whatever will make you feel good. You deserve to be happy and relaxed, not so stressed. *hugs*

[SonoranSongbird 3]

As for the bills.. honey.. you are in a partnership.. right now might be a time where it feels you are leaning on him, but I'm sure there have been times and will be times in the future where he will lean heavily on you.. please don't be tempted to keep score.. that is not where it's at..

And you are a beautiful person, and I know there is not a bone in your body that would take advantage of any situation.. you need to take care of you in this situation..

Exactly!

Can't say much that hasn't already been said, but you really should say something to your doctor about the sleep thing. Sleeping well could really make all the difference in the world. Also wouldn't worry too much about HOW you talk to Gene (ie not being emotional). That's the beauty of being with the right person.

(((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[MrsCat 6]

Sorry to hear that Carla.

Just from what you read, I think you've had to be strong for everyone else, to keep things together. I don't know much about your life, but by what you wrote, it sounds like being vulnerable, scared and anxious wasn't an option since this would upset the balance in your relationship. Perhaps you were scared that it would push that person over the edge, so you had to suck it up and be the strong one. Its funny that despite leaving someone behind, you will still carry that trait around. I know from experience. Its hard to let go of survival mechanisms.

But, its okay to be vulnerable. Actually, its a heathy place. Its when you can truly let a person in. I am sure Gene will be able to take whatever you have to say to him about how your feeling. And I can assure you that you won't regret it. And I have a feeling that you'll be comforted by whatever his response is.

(((Hugs))) for you.

[ozone_1974 1]

Hi Carla

Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents

It is normal to feel guilty about the things you mentioned in your post, it is human and perfectly normal. But as it has been said before by other members, you are in a relationship and a relationship is a teamwork, a partnership. You do contribute in many ways and it is OK, no matter if you contribute financially or take care of the house or whatever else, it is OK. You both talked about this before getting married and I do not see any reasons why he would change his mind. He loves you and wants you to be happy !

I know what it is to take care of others for so many years and all of a sudden be in a position where you have to take care of yourself instead, it is really tough. But do not feel like you're stuck doing something you do not want. Remember that you are NOT stuck, I am sure whatever it is, he will understand, just because he loves you and wants you to be happy Talk to him and explain exactly how you feel, be honest with yourself and talk to him, he'll understand.

You might be leaning on him right now but later on, he probably will lean on you too and that is exactly how things should be. That's a partnership, that's love, that's a sharing between 2 people. You both support each other in many ways, and that is a good thing.

Share with him, share your feelings, your emotions, your thoughts. Never doubt him, but trust him instead and share ! .. It does not matter if you cry, crying is not a sign of weakness, it is a state of emotion and it is OK. Don't hold it inside but share it with him instead

I am sure you will feel so much better after doing this

[antda 13]

Hi Carlawarla,

First of all....((((hugs))) to you, Carla! Sorry that you feel this way and hope you feel better soon...

I agree that it is a good idea that you talk to Gene about how you feel as well, since he as your husband and should understand and help you through your feelings about this. As well, feel free to vent and cry on the VJ boards too, as hopefully we can help too. Right, Everyone?

It's ok to feel vulnerable, as everyone is vulnerable at times and need to share their feelings with others. After all, "it is what makes us weaker, that will ultimately make us stronger"....

The important thing is that you take care of yourself first, especially when your physical and emotional health are at risk here. And if you need to take some time off and talk things over about this, that's ok too. It must be hard for you to make a decision though, when medical and other expenses are in the way of what you want to do career-wise.

Hmmm....I wonder though, if all those years that you've worked could have contributed in some way to the health problems that you have now...So in that sense, I don't think that working now will help with that, and might in fact contrubute to more health problems later on too, which you don't need.

And after working for such a long time for 25+ years, if I were in your shoes...I would say..."I deserve that break! Why not, just retire and spend time with my husband and family, as that's more important for me to do now". As well, both of you agreed when you were married that you didn't need to work and have come to that mutual agreeable understanding, so why should you work now? No job and/or career, regardless of how good it may appear to be, can replace that valuable time that you and your husband and family have with each other....Would you rather look back some day and say: "I wish I had spent more time at work paying for more expensive things", or would you rather say "I'm happy to have spent more time with my husband Gene and my family, whom I love so much, and did less expensive things with".....

No need to feel guilty about health problems that you didn't intentionally cause on your own, as everyone has health problems, and has extra medical expenses because of it....

As for the medical expenses, perhaps there are some medical programs out there that can help you with that? For example, programs through the medication manufacturers, insurance companies, or other private companies/agencies that can help with your medical costs too?

You've come so far in your overall life improvements, Carla, so why jeopardize it now with the extra burden of having another job and feeling guilty over it, after you've worked hard so many years already?

Instead, enjoy life! Enjoy time for yoruself! Enjoy time with Gene and the rest of your family and friends too!...

Hope this helps and makes you feel better, Carla. And good luck too, in making the best decision for your personal situation here.

Ant (((hugs))) to Carla....

I am not someone who complains at all. In fact, Gene often gets after me for not saying things, and/or always looking at the bright side of things. Part of my whole relationship with Gene was/is been trying to be true to myself, taking care of myself and MY feelings. It's a hard job to do after so many years of taking care of my now ex, and his emotional health, my children of course, and my field of employment for 26 years where my primary responsibility has been taking care of others.

In my attempt to better take care of myself, I've been good about not letting things go, when I'm not feeling well physically. Hence, in September of last year, not feeling well, during my once a year women's health exam, I told the Dr. about not feeling well. I went for blood tests etc. and was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.

Fast forward several months now....I've lost 27 pounds, my blood sugar is very well managed and I've never felt physically better. I'm active, alert, exercising and eating healthy. So why am I bummed out? Well, I've not been sleeping well since we got back from vacation I think because of what is going on in my head.

For those of you that don't know me...I retired after 26 years working for the Gov't. in Canada. We both decided, due to many reasons, that I wouldn't work after we got married. Gene makes very good money at his job, and there was no financial reason for me to work; my comparable job here would result in me making a ton less money that I was in Canada; a job in my comparable field, or any other job in fact would not allow me time off in conjunction with Gene who gets a lot of time off for vacation and we wanted to use that time for travelling and vacationing at this point of our lives.

Am I rambling?

So I've been waking up at night disturbed and wondering if I shouldn't be working now. Not full time, certainly not in the high stress field in I was in Canada, but something. My medication which I've had to switch to Name Brand instead of generic because the specific generic brand I was on wasn't working, coupled with my testing supplies, Dr.'s visits are at about $100.00 a month now. That I could probably live with...but a few other things have come up....the Dr. isn't happy with my BP...so I might be looking at having to take BP medication...and my gums, on my lower front, have been swollen and aching for several months now, but lately...not good at all. I think I have some gum disease, and should be making an appointment with the Dentist. We don't have dental coverage.

So I've been feeling a little guilty lately. I come down here, and start to have all these problems. Yes, I'm getting older, and some of these things were bound to come up...a little earlier than expected however in my mind! I've been feeling so guilty about all I've been "costing" Gene in health expenses since I've been down here, and anticipating even more. Of course Gene is healthy as a horse, and doesn't take any medication and hasn't even ever had a cavity! Ugh.

I know, given I've not been sleeping well, that I need to talk to Gene about how I'm feeling. I'm afraid I can't do so, without feeling SO vulnerable, and probably crying. I know it's not just about "working". I know I contribute to our household in so many other ways. I just don't know if I'm going to "get over" this on my own, without talking to him about it. Particularly since I don't have close enough friends here to talk about it with.

I guess I'm looking for something...from my friends here. Should I just be looking for a job to help out with these medical expenses? Am I over "thinking" this whole thing? I know that my working could as well impact on the taxes we pay, and Gene once said, that any job, even part-time would probably negate any wages I'd make in terms of the tax we'd have to pay on those wages.

I feel guilty as well, that I'm able to not work, that we can go on vacation, that I have unlimited access to money...

I am definitely going to talk to Gene about how I'm feeling, I guess I just have to determine how I can best do that in a calm assertive manner without feeling so vulnerable. I am vulnerable right now. Sometimes that's a scary place. If it sounds like I'm whining, please let me know. If you could help me sort through this, it would be appreciated. I'm reaching out...or trying to....

Edited February 12, 2009 by AntandD

[Peikko 1,575]

Have you thought about doing some part time volunteering? A fulfilling way to pass some time without feeling obliged to do more than you want to, and also has no impact on finances.

Edited February 12, 2009 by Madame Cleo

[Autumnchik 6]

Carla, Everyone else has said what I want to say. Just remember that you are an amazing person and have every right to feel the way you feel (it is NOT whining). Talk to Gene about how you are feeling. I agree with the ideas about volunteering. It can be such a shock to the system to go from having a career that you are invested in to staying at home. Much love girl!

[MsZ 6]

Madame Cleo's brilliant! That's an absolutely fantastic idea. What a wonderful use of time and talent!!!