Do you feel welcome in your spouse's ethnic community?

[Imua 0]

I recently read an article about Nepalis(Sherpas to be specific) in NYC and it got me thinking about my experiences with the Sherpa and Nepali communities here at parties and gatherings. While I have found Nepalis individually to be very friendly, when I am on 'their turf' as a group I have felt almost as if they do not want me to be there. I wonder if that will change if Govi and I go as a couple - will they then see me as 'part of the family'? I have heard others mention on VJ that they know other mixed couples and wish I knew other Nepali-American couples here in NYC - although there are lots of Nepalis it seems like here they stick to themselves.

ETA: I forgot to mention this poll is for the USC - hope that is self-evident.

Edited February 11, 2009 by Pattu Rani

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

We have an active Fil-Am community here, and there are numerous organizations. The women always outnumber the men at these gatherings, so I am treated well. The women run things, but I always get hit on for the "guy work". Sometimes I do feel like the weasel in the hen house.

[Nessa 23]

no such thing in our case

[Jenn! 918]

I feel comfortable, though not speaking the language is a disadvantage when the conversation switches to the native tongue, as does often happen. It doesn't make me feel uncomfortable though, just a little out of the loop! I know *of* other Moroccan-American couples, but have never actually socialized as a group as of yet. One of hubby's good friends is also married to an American woman, and we keep saying that we're going to all get together, but it hasn't worked out yet. Usually I am the only American present at social gatherings.

[mkg265 2]

Albanians are divide themselves down gender lines so when I'm with the ladies I feel comfortable but when I'm with my husband and his male friends its kind of odd. My husband will speak to me in English but the other men will never address me.

2nd Question: On this website alone I know of at least five ladies that meet their Albanian husband in Florence. I know another couple in real life. Albanian men marry outside the fold but the ladies tend to stick to their own!

[Jenn! 918]

2nd Question: On this website alone I know of at least five ladies that meet their Albanian husband in Florence. I know another couple in real life. Albanian men marry outside the fold but the ladies tend to stick to their own!

There are a LOT of Albanians in Florence (is it a shoe fetish? ). A lot of Moroccans in Italy too, of course.

[Imua 0]

2nd Question: On this website alone I know of at least five ladies that meet their Albanian husband in Florence. I know another couple in real life. Albanian men marry outside the fold but the ladies tend to stick to their own!

There are a LOT of Albanians in Florence (is it a shoe fetish? ). A lot of Moroccans in Italy too, of course.

I got hit on by a 'Marocchino' when I was living in Venice - I wonder what that could have led to, had I gone out with him....

Edited February 12, 2009 by Pattu Rani

[Imua 0]

I feel comfortable, though not speaking the language is a disadvantage when the conversation switches to the native tongue, as does often happen. It doesn't make me feel uncomfortable though, just a little out of the loop! I know *of* other Moroccan-American couples, but have never actually socialized as a group as of yet. One of hubby's good friends is also married to an American woman, and we keep saying that we're going to all get together, but it hasn't worked out yet. Usually I am the only American present at social gatherings.

This is true, the language issue. I really wish I could take a class in Nepali - too busy and not disciplined enough to do it well on my own! I know a lot of common phrases and vocabulary, can generally understand what people are talking about if they aren't talking too fast, but it's the verb conjugation that gets me - ugh!!! I do notice that Nepalis open up and are much friendlier to me when I speak Nepali - just wish I spoke more of it....

[Jenn! 918]

2nd Question: On this website alone I know of at least five ladies that meet their Albanian husband in Florence. I know another couple in real life. Albanian men marry outside the fold but the ladies tend to stick to their own!

There are a LOT of Albanians in Florence (is it a shoe fetish? ). A lot of Moroccans in Italy too, of course.

I got hit on by a 'Marocchino' when I was living in Venice - I wonder what that could have led to, had I gone out with him....

Nothing good! The marocchini are nothing but trouble!

[peejay 327]

no such thing in our case

Ditto for me too. I'm half Ruskie, so I have the pedigree. Whenever I'm around Russians, Belorussians, or Ukrainians here in the USA I tell them about my Belorussian grandparents, mom, and aunts' stories here in the USA. I'm not fluent in Russian, so I can't get in on the conversations in Russian in mixed company. It doesn't bother me in the least. At 52 years old there is little chance I will learn to speak Russian fluently. So if they want to include me in their conversations they will speak in English. If they don't, I don't lose a lot of sleep over it. I eat the food, drink the toasts, and have a good time anyway.

Edited February 12, 2009 by peejay

[Zee Bee 61]

Kind of applies to me, but not really. I consider myself Ghanaian, so when we hang out with other Ghanaians, they are either my friends or his family that is here. His brother is married to a USC, but she is like me (first generation USC).

Where I do become a little isolated is when (sometimes) the language switches to one I do not understand (I have 2 under my belt, gotta learn a few more).

[chri'stina 190]

I recently read an article about Nepalis(Sherpas to be specific) in NYC and it got me thinking about my experiences with the Sherpa and Nepali communities here at parties and gatherings. While I have found Nepalis individually to be very friendly, when I am on 'their turf' as a group I have felt almost as if they do not want me to be there. I wonder if that will change if Govi and I go as a couple - will they then see me as 'part of the family'? I have heard others mention on VJ that they know other mixed couples and wish I knew other Nepali-American couples here in NYC - although there are lots of Nepalis it seems like here they stick to themselves.

ETA: I forgot to mention this poll is for the USC - hope that is self-evident.

We are hardly around groups of Indians. The last time I was around a lot of Indians at once was an Indian festival held at a stadium where I used to go to college. To be honest, I did not feel very welcomed and I generally do not feel welcome when I go into Indian food market stores in the Tampa area. Either everyone is too shy and it comes across to me as being rude, or they are just wondering why I am in there. Whatever the reason, I don't like it.

When I go to visit Sujeet's family in two weeks, I feel that I will be welcomed and made to feel at home. Around strangers in a huge group, I did not feel that way.

[Imua 0]

I recently read an article about Nepalis(Sherpas to be specific) in NYC and it got me thinking about my experiences with the Sherpa and Nepali communities here at parties and gatherings. While I have found Nepalis individually to be very friendly, when I am on 'their turf' as a group I have felt almost as if they do not want me to be there. I wonder if that will change if Govi and I go as a couple - will they then see me as 'part of the family'? I have heard others mention on VJ that they know other mixed couples and wish I knew other Nepali-American couples here in NYC - although there are lots of Nepalis it seems like here they stick to themselves.

ETA: I forgot to mention this poll is for the USC - hope that is self-evident.

We are hardly around groups of Indians. The last time I was around a lot of Indians at once was an Indian festival held at a stadium where I used to go to college. To be honest, I did not feel very welcomed and I generally do not feel welcome when I go into Indian food market stores in the Tampa area. Either everyone is too shy and it comes across to me as being rude, or they are just wondering why I am in there. Whatever the reason, I don't like it.

When I go to visit Sujeet's family in two weeks, I feel that I will be welcomed and made to feel at home. Around strangers in a huge group, I did not feel that way.

I think you nailed what I was trying to say in my original post. Sorry to generalize, but Nepalis in general tend to be shy so I think maybe that's it - if I want to practice my Nepali on some poor unsuspecting soul then I need to break the ice since nobody is going to approach me, but I am shy myself... Amazingly I was in Jackson Heights(the desi 'hood in Queens) and I overheard two guys on the street speaking in Nepali and I missed hearing it so much that I spoke to them in Nepali - totally uncharacteristic for me. I told them I was married to a Nepali and they asked where he was from etc. - we had a good conversation and I got to practice my Nepali.

And yes I get the quizzical looks too, especially since I always wear salwar - some desis here are very curious why I dress the way I do, go to mandir etc. - if they seem curious rather than judgmental then I will smile at them otherwise I try to not let it get to me too much - still like you I don't like it very much.

[maya62 7]

Dolma Bahini,

Here in the DC area, there is a Lhosar celebration annually and a summer picnic for S's ethnic group. I went to two Lhosars and one picnic before folks there warmed up. Doesn't help that I am an introvert with only a smattering of Nepali (and much of that is just sort of lovey-dovey baby talk sorts of things that are best kept between husband and wife ).

We know a couple other American-Nepali couples, but have only met one of those couples in person (we met originally through VJ!).

At Lhosar there is sometimes one other anglo there... I think he must be someone's husband.

I think making the first overture will help, learning Nepali will help, and showing up with G will help. Of course a bit of rakshi goes a long way, too.

I have always felt welcomed in my husband's family/village... they are so sweet.

And building on the shyness theme, I'd also point out that it is not their default setting to smile at anyone, stranger or not, which sets a slightly off-putting tone for anyone who grew up in a culture where you are expected to smile when meeting someone, regardless of whether you are happy or not (ie, us). The sooner humour is injected, by whomever, the better, imho.

Maya

[chri'stina 190]

I forgot to answer a part of the question...we don't know of many other Indian-American couples, in our area at least. At Sujeet's old job, he worked with a white guy who was married to an Indian girl.

Also in your original post you wondered that if after Govi arrived and you went with him to events, if you would be more accepted. I don't know if there are big differences between the Nepali and Indian communities...but I don't feel any more welcomed just because Sujeet is with me if I am in an Indian store, etc. hehe. I always feel like we are being looked at and judged. It might just be in my head. Again, I just don't like it. He doesn't like the way people act either...he says if you are in the US you are supposed to realize how Americans interact, then why do you stay the same way after so many years and make Americans feel awkward in your store, etc? This is just our experience.

At one Indian restaurant, things have been fun though. The waiters are jokesters and laid back, not the traditional Indian attitude I am used to seeing at Indian places here. And we became friends with a woman, whose child went to a school I worked at when we first got married, who is southern Indian, but grew up here in the US mostly and was a Christian Indian...she loved us and we got along with her great. She wasn't very traditional though. But she cooked yummy Indian food and had us over for dinner a few times. We also met her whole family/parents when they visited her from Chicago and they were nice to us too. Haven't seen her since about a year ago. Sujeet has been invited to hang with Indian people at his new job, but we haven't done it. I think they mostly hang out and drink on the weekends, which is not us at all.

Edited February 13, 2009 by Parivar CSK