Russian Customer Service

[Rob_Lesya 4]

Mox- love the story. and can relate on sooo many different levels!

I always get huge looks of disbelief when trying to explain what SVO1 and 2 are like to someone who hasn't traveled much outside of the US (and of course, SVO2 is now practically luxurious compared to what it was 10-15 years ago!). I'm occasionally tempted to use my video camera while travelling through there to prove to folks that it's actually worse than I could EVER describe in words ....... but then I have flashbacks to the early 90's and the poor guy in Ekaterinburg I saw get beaten to a bloody pulp by the militsia for daring to take photos inside Koltsovo Airport.

On the flip side, I also get looks of disbelief from Lesya and her family when trying to describe what the Atlanta airport is like -- "What!? Enough seats for EVERYBODY to be able to sit down!!??? It can't be true!"

[mox 298]

Hehe. Well on that same trip, when I was flying IN to Moscow, my flight of course was delayed, and immigration was a bloody nightmare. There were 2 booths open, and literally hundreds of people trying to get through. I knew I was going to miss my connection if I waited in line like everyone else, so I just waded through the sea of humanity at the front of the line and begged some Chinese guy to let me please go in front of him. He didn't want to do it, but US$20 convinced him that waiting 5 more minutes was worth it. Less than 20 minutes in Moscow and I'm already handing out bribes.

On through immigration, to the baggage carousel, where my bags were nowhere to be seen. Now. When I checked in for my flight in San Francisco, the agent assured me that my bags were checked all the way to Kazan. I said I had thought that I'd have to pick them up in Moscow, but she was absolutely convinced they would go all the way to Kazan. So, my bags weren't there and I thought "hmm, she must have known what she was talking about."

So off I trotted through the big glass doors where the cabbies immediately pounced on me. I took one of them up on his offer (this story could fill an entire post also) and off we went. I told him I had 1 hour to catch my flight, could he do it? We get outside, and the traffic inside the airport is JAM PACKED. No way he says...unless...unless we take his car, which is parked just outside the airport.

Now I'd read all the stories about stupid American tourists falling for all kinds of scams to get mugged and left for dead, or worse. But there's only one flight to Kazan a day, and I really didn't want to spend the night at SVO. So less than 45 minutes in Moscow, and I'm already going to play the gullible American tourist who's probably going to get waylaid in the parking lot. So the guy leads me to the parking lot, where we then cut across an active construction site. We are literally dodging all kinds of heavy equipment and these big thumping machines that really didn't seem very productive to me except that they scared the holy ####### out of me, oh and then there's the trenches and the thin wooden rickey planks you have to walk across and hope you don't fall into the 15 foot deep muddy ditches. After about 10 minutes of playing Indiana Jones goes to Moscow, we climb through a hole in a chain link fence, and we're outside the airport. We walk over to a late model Ford Focus, hop in, and we go to SVO1. This is how I spent my first hour in Moscow.

Unfortunately I still missed my connection, which turned out to be a good thing. Because when I went to get my ticket re-issued, I asked about my luggage. She asks how could I be so stupid, of course my luggage does not go automatically to Kazan, I have to go back to SVO2 and get it. So even though I'm thinking there's no way in hell I'm ever going to see that luggage again now, with much more time on my hands I figured out how to catch the Aeroflot shuttle back to SVO2. Whereupon I discover that you can't just go back in to the luggage area, because it's behind the big glass walls. So then I waited until the next large group of passengers was exiting and went back through the big glass doors that have big red signs that tell you that you can't enter. So during my first 2 hours in Moscow, I was now a criminal, sneaking in to a controlled area of the airport. (during my first 2 days in Russia I was also guilty of defacing government property, but that's a story for another time.)

I wandered back through the luggage area, to the now empty carousel where my luggage was supposed to have been, and of course it's not there. So I just kept walking, and eventually found myself in an area where most of the lights had been turned off and was completely deserted. Just as I was about to turn around and go back, I spotted something sitting in the middle of the room. I walked closer, and it was luggage. It was my luggage. I have no idea why it was just sitting there, but it was, and I later discovered that absolutely nothing was missing. So I retrieved it and walked back through the big glass doors, and caught the shuttle back to SVO1. Where I spent almost 24 hours waiting for the next flight to Kazan.

Getting on the plane to Kazan was an interesting experience in and of itself. It was some kind of Tupelov jet, and you board from the rear of the plane. So the shuttle drives us from the terminal out to the tarmac, and unloads us to stand in the rain, behind the airplane, because the steps haven't been lowered to board the aircraft yet. So there we are, about 50 of us, in the rain, when some nutjob who is also the pilot, decides to spin the engines up. In the rain. Now, it's one thing to be standing on the tarmac in Moscow while it's raining. I mean...you get drenched, and it's cold. It's quite another thing to be standing behind a goddamned jet that is spooling up it's goddamned engines in the goddamned rain. Literally one entire side of your body is not only drenched, but the rain has actually embedded itself about 2mm into your skin. ####### is blowing around everywhere, scarves fly past, elderly people lose their dentures which become extremely hazardous projectiles, small children take flight and are never seen again, and every single person standing around me is just stoically enduring this event because this is Russia and this is just how it is. When the steps are finally lowered everyone (except the small children, who are now gone) boards without a word of complaint. Because, hey! Sure, they're suffering from what amounts to being pelted with bird shot at point blank, but it could be worse. They could be one of those small children. So, you know, life is good.

Это Россия.

[slim 1,525]

You know who's going to be waiting for you when you go back to Russia, right mox?

Then you're going to have to redo that whole story all over again.

[mox 298]

You know who's going to be waiting for you when you go back to Russia, right mox?

Then you're going to have to redo that whole story all over again.

Hehe! Well, I've been back, but not to Moscow, and just to make sure, not on Aeroflot.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Hehe. Well on that same trip, when I was flying IN to Moscow, my flight of course was delayed, and immigration was a bloody nightmare. There were 2 booths open, and literally hundreds of people trying to get through. I knew I was going to miss my connection if I waited in line like everyone else, so I just waded through the sea of humanity at the front of the line and begged some Chinese guy to let me please go in front of him. He didn't want to do it, but US$20 convinced him that waiting 5 more minutes was worth it. Less than 20 minutes in Moscow and I'm already handing out bribes.

On through immigration, to the baggage carousel, where my bags were nowhere to be seen. Now. When I checked in for my flight in San Francisco, the agent assured me that my bags were checked all the way to Kazan. I said I had thought that I'd have to pick them up in Moscow, but she was absolutely convinced they would go all the way to Kazan. So, my bags weren't there and I thought "hmm, she must have known what she was talking about."

So off I trotted through the big glass doors where the cabbies immediately pounced on me. I took one of them up on his offer (this story could fill an entire post also) and off we went. I told him I had 1 hour to catch my flight, could he do it? We get outside, and the traffic inside the airport is JAM PACKED. No way he says...unless...unless we take his car, which is parked just outside the airport.

Now I'd read all the stories about stupid American tourists falling for all kinds of scams to get mugged and left for dead, or worse. But there's only one flight to Kazan a day, and I really didn't want to spend the night at SVO. So less than 45 minutes in Moscow, and I'm already going to play the gullible American tourist who's probably going to get waylaid in the parking lot. So the guy leads me to the parking lot, where we then cut across an active construction site. We are literally dodging all kinds of heavy equipment and these big thumping machines that really didn't seem very productive to me except that they scared the holy ####### out of me, oh and then there's the trenches and the thin wooden rickey planks you have to walk across and hope you don't fall into the 15 foot deep muddy ditches. After about 10 minutes of playing Indiana Jones goes to Moscow, we climb through a hole in a chain link fence, and we're outside the airport. We walk over to a late model Ford Focus, hop in, and we go to SVO1. This is how I spent my first hour in Moscow.

Unfortunately I still missed my connection, which turned out to be a good thing. Because when I went to get my ticket re-issued, I asked about my luggage. She asks how could I be so stupid, of course my luggage does not go automatically to Kazan, I have to go back to SVO2 and get it. So even though I'm thinking there's no way in hell I'm ever going to see that luggage again now, with much more time on my hands I figured out how to catch the Aeroflot shuttle back to SVO2. Whereupon I discover that you can't just go back in to the luggage area, because it's behind the big glass walls. So then I waited until the next large group of passengers was exiting and went back through the big glass doors that have big red signs that tell you that you can't enter. So during my first 2 hours in Moscow, I was now a criminal, sneaking in to a controlled area of the airport. (during my first 2 days in Russia I was also guilty of defacing government property, but that's a story for another time.)

I wandered back through the luggage area, to the now empty carousel where my luggage was supposed to have been, and of course it's not there. So I just kept walking, and eventually found myself in an area where most of the lights had been turned off and was completely deserted. Just as I was about to turn around and go back, I spotted something sitting in the middle of the room. I walked closer, and it was luggage. It was my luggage. I have no idea why it was just sitting there, but it was, and I later discovered that absolutely nothing was missing. So I retrieved it and walked back through the big glass doors, and caught the shuttle back to SVO1. Where I spent almost 24 hours waiting for the next flight to Kazan.

Getting on the plane to Kazan was an interesting experience in and of itself. It was some kind of Tupelov jet, and you board from the rear of the plane. So the shuttle drives us from the terminal out to the tarmac, and unloads us to stand in the rain, behind the airplane, because the steps haven't been lowered to board the aircraft yet. So there we are, about 50 of us, in the rain, when some nutjob who is also the pilot, decides to spin the engines up. In the rain. Now, it's one thing to be standing on the tarmac in Moscow while it's raining. I mean...you get drenched, and it's cold. It's quite another thing to be standing behind a goddamned jet that is spooling up it's goddamned engines in the goddamned rain. Literally one entire side of your body is not only drenched, but the rain has actually embedded itself about 2mm into your skin. ####### is blowing around everywhere, scarves fly past, elderly people lose their dentures which become extremely hazardous projectiles, small children take flight and are never seen again, and every single person standing around me is just stoically enduring this event because this is Russia and this is just how it is. When the steps are finally lowered everyone (except the small children, who are now gone) boards without a word of complaint. Because, hey! Sure, they're suffering from what amounts to being pelted with bird shot at point blank, but it could be worse. They could be one of those small children. So, you know, life is good.

Это Россия.

Makes my Ukrainian customs experience seem tame by comparison. Just out of curiosity, do they have airport employees you can bribe to get you through the lines? In Kiev we were approached by a young man who (for the low, low WallMart price of 200 hrvna) made our 2 hour check in process into a 10 minute process - plus an additional bribe because Vika's чемодан was too heavy (конечно - I think she put bricks in it).

[mox 298]

Makes my Ukrainian customs experience seem tame by comparison. Just out of curiosity, do they have airport employees you can bribe to get you through the lines? In Kiev we were approached by a young man who (for the low, low WallMart price of 200 hrvna) made our 2 hour check in process into a 10 minute process - plus an additional bribe because Vika's чемодан was too heavy (конечно - I think she put bricks in it).

I seem to have the worst time finding people to bribe. I asked the manager guy if there was a "fee" I could pay to get on the flight, and he waved me away and said "there is no fee, the flight is closed," and then wound up putting me on it anyway without the bribe. Same thing when I was in Saudi Arabia, I found the only honest cop in the country when I was pulled over for running a red. He asked for my passport, which I had conveniently pre-loaded with a hundred dollar bill...WAY more than enough to see me on my way. He handed the passport back to me, Benjamin still nestled next to the ID portion of my passport, and had me follow him to the police station where I spent 48 hours in jail, which at the time was the standard penalty for running a red light.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Makes my Ukrainian customs experience seem tame by comparison. Just out of curiosity, do they have airport employees you can bribe to get you through the lines? In Kiev we were approached by a young man who (for the low, low WallMart price of 200 hrvna) made our 2 hour check in process into a 10 minute process - plus an additional bribe because Vika's чемодан was too heavy (конечно - I think she put bricks in it).

I seem to have the worst time finding people to bribe. I asked the manager guy if there was a "fee" I could pay to get on the flight, and he waved me away and said "there is no fee, the flight is closed," and then wound up putting me on it anyway without the bribe. Same thing when I was in Saudi Arabia, I found the only honest cop in the country when I was pulled over for running a red. He asked for my passport, which I had conveniently pre-loaded with a hundred dollar bill...WAY more than enough to see me on my way. He handed the passport back to me, Benjamin still nestled next to the ID portion of my passport, and had me follow him to the police station where I spent 48 hours in jail, which at the time was the standard penalty for running a red light.

I do have the same problem - knowing when to bribe. I usually just wait for them to ask. Usually they do.

[slim 1,525]

Makes my Ukrainian customs experience seem tame by comparison. Just out of curiosity, do they have airport employees you can bribe to get you through the lines? In Kiev we were approached by a young man who (for the low, low WallMart price of 200 hrvna) made our 2 hour check in process into a 10 minute process - plus an additional bribe because Vika's чемодан was too heavy (конечно - I think she put bricks in it).

I seem to have the worst time finding people to bribe. I asked the manager guy if there was a "fee" I could pay to get on the flight, and he waved me away and said "there is no fee, the flight is closed," and then wound up putting me on it anyway without the bribe. Same thing when I was in Saudi Arabia, I found the only honest cop in the country when I was pulled over for running a red. He asked for my passport, which I had conveniently pre-loaded with a hundred dollar bill...WAY more than enough to see me on my way. He handed the passport back to me, Benjamin still nestled next to the ID portion of my passport, and had me follow him to the police station where I spent 48 hours in jail, which at the time was the standard penalty for running a red light.

I know most of the visa processing companies and even the airlines have a "fee" you can pay for "VIP service" at check-in. It's something you pay for before you go though. I don't think you can do it once you arrive. However, one thing you can do is run to the front of the line and push everyone out of the way. That's perfectly acceptable, and encouraged, and it's free!

As for running red lights in Saudi, I thought that was also encouraged. I remember first arriving there and the brass having their panties in a wad because one of the civilian contractors who'd recently been involved in a fender-bender was being jailed for over 24 hours. They were calling senators and congressmen, embassy officials, hell, maybe even the president. We were just shy of a "rescue mission" when he was released the next day after "time served." It caused a little stress, to say the least. A few weeks later it came out that it was just standard practice for them to take the foreigner to jail anytime anything happened involving a Saudi. What a special place!

[Brad and Vika 129]

I know most of the visa processing companies and even the airlines have a "fee" you can pay for "VIP service" at check-in. It's something you pay for before you go though. I don't think you can do it once you arrive. However, one thing you can do is run to the front of the line and push everyone out of the way. That's perfectly acceptable, and encouraged, and it's free!

I use VIP all the time in Ukraine now. The experience I had in Kiev (posted above) was because I couldn't use VIP into Paris (it is not allowed by the French - presumably because the lax security caused a problem). All in all it is worth the price to me to avoid the hassle - particularly in Odessa. The customs officials there were much more predatory than in Kiev.

Edited March 6, 2009 by Brad and Vika

[mox 298]

As for running red lights in Saudi, I thought that was also encouraged. I remember first arriving there and the brass having their panties in a wad because one of the civilian contractors who'd recently been involved in a fender-bender was being jailed for over 24 hours. They were calling senators and congressmen, embassy officials, hell, maybe even the president. We were just shy of a "rescue mission" when he was released the next day after "time served." It caused a little stress, to say the least. A few weeks later it came out that it was just standard practice for them to take the foreigner to jail anytime anything happened involving a Saudi. What a special place!

Yep, pretty much how it goes. And actually, I think because I was an American I got off light. But it's interesting that the penalty is automatic jail time. No judge or jury, just time served, end of discussion. I wasn't high enough up on the food chain to warrant a search and rescue party, and even when I was released it took Lucent 3 hours to send somebody after me. I was so dehydrated by the time they got me, because I hadn't drunk anything. The water they provided in my cell was in a bowl, and it looked brackish as hell so I wouldn't drink it. Fortunately there was a company owned clinic on site, and they stuck an IV into me when I got back.

Yeah...special place.

[Rob_Lesya 4]

I know most of the visa processing companies and even the airlines have a "fee" you can pay for "VIP service" at check-in. It's something you pay for before you go though. I don't think you can do it once you arrive. However, one thing you can do is run to the front of the line and push everyone out of the way. That's perfectly acceptable, and encouraged, and it's free!

I was curious to see what it was like, so I paid one of the processing companies for the "VIP Service" in Moscow once, about 7-8 years ago. I think it cost me about $100 at the time. The girl was waiting for me as soon as I entered the terminal. She escorted me past the huge line that was now forming to go through passport control, leaving a lot of people grumbling, 'Hey, what makes HIM so special!?" "Wow, who is THAT guy?", etc and making ME feel like a real VIP. I quickly get through passport control and as I leave passport control and enter the baggage claim, I'm thinking, "You poor suckers.... stuck in line behind me... don't you wish you were ME right now!!!" I then have to wait for my luggage.... and wait for my luggage..... and .... wait for my luggage. Before long, everybody I had passed up in line are all standing around me... and we're all waiting for our luggage together. Once I finally got my luggage I was taken to a special customs station that was opened up just for me, but most of the other people had already cleared the normal customs stations.

So much for the VIP service!

Of course, that was just my one experience with one company. There may be others who provide a true benefit for the "VIP Service", but I always plan my trips to Russia with the first 24 hours or so to be "dead time" anyway -- to allow for delayed flights, etc. So I'm never in a big hurry. And besides, spending huge amounts of time enduring hellish lines just adds to the story you can tell when you get back home!

[slim 1,525]

but I always plan my trips to Russia with the first 24 hours or so to be "dead time" anyway -- to allow for delayed flights, etc. So I'm never in a big hurry. And besides, spending huge amounts of time enduring hellish lines just adds to the story you can tell when you get back home!

That's what it's all about, the story!

So many good stories from over there. And when I say good, I mean interesting, not pleasant or heart-warming. More of a "WooooW! That really happened?" type story than anything.

[mox 298]

Yep. Every time I go, I have stories. Not just of the "I lost my luggage" variety, but of the "I saw a mob of children wielding sharp and nasty implements of destruction, chasing a gypsy on a bicycle, and there was no doubt in my mind that if they'd caught him, they'd have killed him" variety. (true story btw)

[Brad and Vika 129]

I know most of the visa processing companies and even the airlines have a "fee" you can pay for "VIP service" at check-in. It's something you pay for before you go though. I don't think you can do it once you arrive. However, one thing you can do is run to the front of the line and push everyone out of the way. That's perfectly acceptable, and encouraged, and it's free!

I was curious to see what it was like, so I paid one of the processing companies for the "VIP Service" in Moscow once, about 7-8 years ago. I think it cost me about $100 at the time. The girl was waiting for me as soon as I entered the terminal. She escorted me past the huge line that was now forming to go through passport control, leaving a lot of people grumbling, 'Hey, what makes HIM so special!?" "Wow, who is THAT guy?", etc and making ME feel like a real VIP. I quickly get through passport control and as I leave passport control and enter the baggage claim, I'm thinking, "You poor suckers.... stuck in line behind me... don't you wish you were ME right now!!!" I then have to wait for my luggage.... and wait for my luggage..... and .... wait for my luggage. Before long, everybody I had passed up in line are all standing around me... and we're all waiting for our luggage together. Once I finally got my luggage I was taken to a special customs station that was opened up just for me, but most of the other people had already cleared the normal customs stations.

So much for the VIP service!

Of course, that was just my one experience with one company. There may be others who provide a true benefit for the "VIP Service", but I always plan my trips to Russia with the first 24 hours or so to be "dead time" anyway -- to allow for delayed flights, etc. So I'm never in a big hurry. And besides, spending huge amounts of time enduring hellish lines just adds to the story you can tell when you get back home!

Sounds like a bad one Seriously though, I have not yet had a bad VIP experience. In Kiev, they figured out my bags were still in Paris, brought the Air France rep to the lounge to fill out paperwork, and still had us out before the first folks could have cleared regular (probably). In all fairness though, I have to say that regular customs in Kiev gave us no trouble either, and we paid much less in a straight up bribe to get past the line.

[Neonred 3,562]

Yep. Every time I go, I have stories. Not just of the "I lost my luggage" variety, but of the "I saw a mob of children wielding sharp and nasty implements of destruction, chasing a gypsy on a bicycle, and there was no doubt in my mind that if they'd caught him, they'd have killed him" variety. (true story btw)

There is always a good story. On my first trip to Russia I was waiting downstairs in SVO1 and of course there is no place to sit so I was leaning next to the windows and just watching people and taking some pictures. Next to me is a mother and her small daughter of about 4 or 5 years old. It looked like the little girl needed to use the bathroom. As I watch, the mother digs inter her bag and pulls out a porcelain bowl wrapped in plastic. She unwraps the bowl, drops the little girls pants, and sits her on this bowl in the middle of SVO1. After they are finished the mother picks up the bowl and carries it off the bathroom. She comes back and wraps it up and sticks it back in the plaid plastic bag the doubles as luggage.

I told this story to my girl after I arrived, and she swore they were not Russians! The very next day we are walking down the street and I spot a little boy and his father that have just stopped to let the boy take a leak in the grass just next to the sidewalk. Of course I had to ask if she thought they were not Russians also.