new joke thread////

[almaty 19]

1. Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????

2. A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just ####### in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that

3.A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

4.There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

5. A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

6. A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

7.A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

8. A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

9.A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

[brnidokiegurl 0]

found it but looks like a blonde only place

[Jasman0717 9]

Gotta love blonde jokes

[almaty 19]

nope..just starting it out with an attack on the blondes..next, i am moving to rednecks

[missmissy 38]

How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink,"

and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married?

There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age

in Oklahoma to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

A guy from Alabama passed away and left his entire estate to his

beloved widow,

but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?

Documentaries.

Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi.

If it would've been invented anywhere else,

it would have been called a teeth brush.

[EstebanTrabajos 7]

Got a short one,

Have you heard that Obama and his family will wait until the spring to get their new dog??

---Of course! they want to wait to make sure the dog has paid its taxes

Edited February 6, 2009 by TävôLuDô

[Nagishkaw 510]

What do you call a group of blondes standing in a circle?

A dope ring.

[EstebanTrabajos 7]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked," Is my time up"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

" Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, ####### job, lyposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 year=?

Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"

God replied,"Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you."

[almaty 19]

Rodney Dangerfield's 22 Best One-Liners

Not Goons but some are funny never the less.

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel .

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"

He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I w ent to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

[Jasman0717 9]

Ah, I loved Rodney. I remember seeing him on the Ed Sullivan Show many many moons ago

[almaty 19]

same here..i remember he said ..

my wife and I are trying to cut down on smoking..we agreed to only smoke after sex.. i still got 90% of my pack a year later. she is up to a carton a week.

[EstebanTrabajos 7]

same here..i remember he said ..

my wife and I are trying to cut down on smoking..we agreed to only smoke after sex.. i still got 90% of my pack a year later. she is up to a carton a week.

man if I were you, smoking after sex would put me at high-risk of developing lung cancer

[missmissy 38]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was

a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very

little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She

thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to

hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house

than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every

day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a

really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into t own and kick up

your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One

o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired

hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he

found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting

for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,'

she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He

did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each

gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He

slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now

take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and

dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,

'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

(P.S. I didn't see it coming, either.)

[almaty 19]

lol

[Nagishkaw 510]

0h my!