Decision made

[rebeccajo 14]

My son is very angry with me.

It's more house than Wes and I will need once he goes off to school in the fall of 2007. It's more yard than we will be able to maintain. We don't need a home quite this big. We want to be in town and not in the 'burbs. And we want a place of our own.

But this is the only home my son has known since birth. This is a harder decision than my divorce. I knew the marriage was toxic. This physical space is - I guess - the one solace my son has from childhood. Maybe his room was the place he hid - I don't know.

We've listed it for 90 days and set our bottom figure. The realtor says it will sell quickly and we should be able to get far more for it than I thought.

Why don't I feel excited?

[MrsBruce5 0]

Hi There Rebecca,

I understand how you feel...it's a tough choice, but it's a choice that will do well for you and Wes.

Your boy will be off to school, and he's going to have his own life soon. It will take him time to accept your decision, and although I don't know your son, he may be asscociating the sale of the house with being faced with the reality that has to be more of an adult, and perhaps he saw your home as a comfort zone. It is hard to deal with transition, as we both know being adults and mothers who have had to make some life choices.

I have a son, 1/2 the age of your son, and I know that when the time comes to unload this house of mine, he too will have issues...and, like you-I plan on holding onto it until he becomes of age.

Many kids have an issue with this. My husband was 28 when his folks sold theirs. He and his sister had been out on their own for years, but he seemed to have a sadness about it which he explained to me that it was more of an attachment to childhood memories.

The bottom line is, you gave your son a good life, raised him up and now he's becomimg a man. He will in time understand. And at the end of the day, you and Wes have a life that must be lived as you both see fit.

Don't fret for long. I know all too well about "mother's guilt", but it's not like he is 8 years old. He will be fine. Just allow him to "catch up" with your decision.

Best Wishes to You All,

Rose

[sukie175 0]

Becca I cannot comment on the child aspect but I perhaps can comment as the foreign spouse.

I initially moved into Gary's home of 35 years! Although he went out of his way to let me feel comfortable making changes, I never was truly comfortable. This had also been his home through 2 previous marriages and he even got married in the front room the last time!

Although I redecorated and moved my stuff in, it was always his home I had moved into, it was never 'our' home.

When we bought our new home and moved in it was wonderful. We shared the excitement of a new home, the planning, decorating and furnishing to our joint tastes.

We now have a home that we have 'built' together into 'our' home and it was the joy at the end of our long journey.

You go for it girl

[KarenCee 3]

HUGS Becca...I wish I had something wise to say about how your son is feeling. Change is NEVER easy, regardless of the age of the child. Hopefully by the time you guys get moved in and he has the chance to settle in and "carve out" his space he will feel differently. I know when I moved Anna out of the only home she had ever known, even though she was just 3, she had a hard time adjusting. Heck, I had a hard time adjusting and I'm the grown up here (well, sometimes I am ) Just know I'm thinking about y'all...hope things settle soon.

[Kajikit 65]

It doesn't matter how old your son is (I'm not quite sure...) it's his place too - the only home he's ever known... and you're getting rid of it because you and your new husband want to live some place else. Did he even know the sale was being considered until it happened? Of course he's going to be upset about it.

You need to sit down with your son and really TALK to him about his feelings and why you want to move... find out how he really feels about it, and decide whether you can work out a compromise. You say that the house will be too big once he goes away to school in fall 2007 - that's more than 12 months away. Is there any compelling reason to sell the house this month rather than then?

[rebeccajo 14]

Yes, he knew the sale was being comtemplated. We've been talking about it for three or four months now. I posted a thread about it earlier this spring - about the difficulty of the decision. A couple of weeks ago when I asked him how he felt if we really did it, he said that we should do what we needed to do.

Compelling reason? How does imminent foreclosure sound to you? We've not missed a payment yet, but money is tight. My husband has a job at last, but I'm borderline close to being laid off from mine.

It's not about Wes and I wanting to move. It's about a house we can't afford.

[Kajikit 65]

I'm sorry Rebecca... if you've talked to him about it then you've probably done all you can. I didn't mean to imply you were doing anything wrong... life is about difficult decisions and learning experiences and I guess this is going to have to be one of those things for him... Imminent foreclosure is a pretty compelling reason to move house, but that doesn't make it any easier for any of you...

[rebeccajo 14]

The decision is so hard because the original plan was to stay in the house until Zach went off to school. I have nearly bankrupted us trying to do that. If I let it go to where we are down to our last few bucks in the bank and then try unsuccessfully to sell it in a hurry, we could loose all our equity. My ex-husband was famous for throwing away tens of thousands of dollars with stupid financial decisions. Not me. This house is virtually all we have.

There were certain verbal promises that my ex-husband made to me which he has broken and while I was VERY doubtful he would follow through on them, if he had we would not be in the mess we are in now. At the end of the day though, it was my decision to divorce Zach's dad and I'm the one responsible for our well being.

You have no idea how devastated I am to see that 'For Sale' sign in the front yard. It's too soon and it's not what we had planned. I'm an adult and I know we will get past this. But I feel I have let my son down - in essence I am making him pay for my decision to divorce his father. And that pretty much kills me.

Edited June 14, 2006 by rebeccajo

[TracyTN 237]

Aww becca. I don't know Zach at all, but I suspect he did not want you to stay married to his father if you were that unhappy. That said, I know you're not seeing that side of him now - you're just seeing the anger over the move.

I don't have kids so of course this may be a stupid idea, but is there anyway you could sit down, show him what you've told us about the money woes and show him your 'options'? Maybe it would help him to be actively involved in the process, then he just may see that there is really no other option.

[hockeygal 0]

I don't have any experience or words of wisdom to throw in here. But I feel for ya.

Your son will be off to college soon, and as someone else said, involved in his own new life. Perhaps once your son gets past the same emotions of letting go that you have too, he will appreciate being able to come visit you in town, instead of the burbs! I know I am always happier to be closer to the local action!

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Bec, my mom and dad sold the only family home Id known after i was married and the house was just too large for them - and it had stairs which my mum (after her hwart attack and with her arthritis) and my dad (after HIS heart attack) couldn't really be dealing with.

They asked us (me and my bro) if we minded them selling..tho really I knew they'd decided already but they asked us anyways.

I can't say I didn't feel a pang at losing the place, even tho I didnt live in it anymore but when all is said and doen, its just a house. If there had been a fire, it would have burnt down to the ground but we'd all still have our memories. The house was/is a link to our past - to simpler times before we had responsibilities. But..its only bricks and mortar.

I told my mum I'd much rather she and my dad were happy.

I meant hat I said, even though for a little while I felt..not betrayed but..I guess regretful. If they'd asked ME to buy the house, and I had the money, I think I would NOT have bought it - it was a small house..and it belonged to my past not my future.

Your son will come around..I'm quite certain he loves YOU more than he loves a house.

Edited June 14, 2006 by Jaylen Brit

[gimygirl 0]

becca ...

*biggest hugs* for any of us, letting go of the past is a very difficult process. sheesh, my 9 y/o had a hard time when we got rid of his toybox a few months ago ... i felt so bad for him.

he's old enough to realize why you have to make this move, but his heart wants to stay ... there is great comfort in that familiarity ... his room, the yard, walking through a house in the dark because you know where everything is ...

obviously, the older the child the harder the move but you guys have a great relationship. just let zach vent without feeling the need to defend or justify your actions. you are the parent and are making the best decision for your (and subsequently his) future.

is there something that he can take with him to the new house? a whole window? or door jamb? some tangible piece of his childhood??

[iceyspots 0]

Hey... what can you say.. the house has grown onto you!!

[babybunny 2]

My son is very angry with me.

It's more house than Wes and I will need once he goes off to school in the fall of 2007. It's more yard than we will be able to maintain. We don't need a home quite this big. We want to be in town and not in the 'burbs. And we want a place of our own.

But this is the only home my son has known since birth. This is a harder decision than my divorce. I knew the marriage was toxic. This physical space is - I guess - the one solace my son has from childhood. Maybe his room was the place he hid - I don't know.

We've listed it for 90 days and set our bottom figure. The realtor says it will sell quickly and we should be able to get far more for it than I thought.

Why don't I feel excited?

I can relate but. sometimes you just have to turn the page.

cheer up Coz, G.Dubya said so!

[Welshcookie 17]

awwwww....Becca....I am pleased for you and Wes that you can look forward to buying a home together, I am sure your son will get over it. It is very strange how bricks and mortar can take such an emotional hold.

As my dad was in the Forces I never had an emotional attachment to any of our family homes, but when my Grandparents house finally got sold it felt like a bereavement...that house held all of my happiest childhood memories....but at the end of the day they remain in my head and heart.....but I still get a pang whenever I go back to Wales and walk past that house.