Explaining your "Crazy" relationship to others

[Danno2 0]

I saw another thread online this morning that made me think about the difficulties of explaining my long distance relationships to family, friends and co-workers. Instead of hijacking that thread I wanted to post my approach and get some tips so we might be able help others in the future.

I have found about 3 different kinds of reaction when I try to explain what “going on” in my personal life. It goes something like this:

1. Total trust – We discuss what is going on. They are not judgmental are supportive and interested in my happiness

2. Concerned –I share some of the details but also choose when / what to say – bring them along slowly

3. Complete skeptics – Let them know I am in a relationship and happy but offer no details

I dont believe in springing things on people so I chose to have multiple conversation with my Total trust and Concerned groups over the 6 – 8 months of the K1 process. Here is a list of some of the things I have done & mostly in the order I did them:

• I met someone on vacation ( I would not show pictures together as its TMI)

• I like this person / we talk allot

• We met online prior to my vacation / show a single picture of only (expect it to be difficult conversation & don’t try to convince them of anything)

• Give details of your S.O. life, culture and funny stories (showing they are a real and interesting person)

• Explain that the S.O. will come to visit in 8 months (but not using the their fiance visa)

____o You will help them come over

____o They will be staying with you (keep it at a high level)

• Let them chat with your S.O. online you are there (this was a GREAT way to connect)

• Giving the phone to them to say hello to S.O. during your conversation.

• Buying that cultures cookbook, utensils, spices and food and then preparing meals with your family (this is a GREAT way to connect)

• Take a second long vacation (people want interesting and funny stories of your visit)

• Show pictures of your vacation (together, happy and in love)

When I have been pressed to explaining the I-129f process I choose to keep it simple by explaining the long timeline with escalating commitments points and all the built in exit points that culminate to the “All I have to do is NOT get married during the 90 days” (which of course is not likely but is a great way to calm people down). As for my category 3 people what can you do? Almost all will be surprised and skeptics. Some will be mad and others will be jealous. Chada and I talk about this but we have so many more important things to focus on we will deal with "those people" later.

What are some tips or experience you would like to share?

[Jan&Rachid 1]

I saw another thread online this morning that made me think about the difficulties of explaining my long distance relationships to family, friends and co-workers. Instead of hijacking that thread I wanted to post my approach and get some tips so we might be able help others in the future.

I have found about 3 different kinds of reaction when I try to explain what “going on” in my personal life. It goes something like this:

1. Total trust – We discuss what is going on. They are not judgmental are supportive and interested in my happiness

2. Concerned –I share some of the details but also choose when / what to say – bring them along slowly

3. Complete skeptics – Let them know I am in a relationship and happy but offer no details

I dont believe in springing things on people so I chose to have multiple conversation with my Total trust and Concerned groups over the 6 – 8 months of the K1 process. Here is a list of some of the things I have done & mostly in the order I did them:

• I met someone on vacation ( I would not show pictures together as its TMI)

• I like this person / we talk allot

• We met online prior to my vacation / show a single picture of only (expect it to be difficult conversation & don’t try to convince them of anything)

• Give details of your S.O. life, culture and funny stories (showing they are a real and interesting person)

• Explain that the S.O. will come to visit in 8 months (but not using the their fiance visa)

____o You will help them come over

____o They will be staying with you (keep it at a high level)

• Let them chat with your S.O. online you are there (this was a GREAT way to connect)

• Giving the phone to them to say hello to S.O. during your conversation.

• Buying that cultures cookbook, utensils, spices and food and then preparing meals with your family (this is a GREAT way to connect)

• Take a second long vacation (people want interesting and funny stories of your visit)

• Show pictures of your vacation (together, happy and in love)

When I have been pressed to explaining the I-129f process I choose to keep it simple by explaining the long timeline with escalating commitments points and all the built in exit points that culminate to the “All I have to do is NOT get married during the 90 days” (which of course is not likely but is a great way to calm people down). As for my category 3 people what can you do? Almost all will be surprised and skeptics. Some will be mad and others will be jealous. Chada and I talk about this but we have so many more important things to focus on we will deal with "those people" later.

What are some tips or experience you would like to share?

This is great advice to share! Thanks!

I have some of all 3 of those people in my life as well, so I understand and had a little difficulty at first. Until I realized that less specifics about the process and more about the real emotions and things I give to people, the better people seem to be about taking the information and simply processing it.

One thing I feel about having a long distance relationship and communicating mostly through chatting or talking, is that we will always know how to communicate with each other. I know this can be a major problem for couples who haven't met or established their relationships the way we have. Also I feel that with all the patience we have to have during this process of waiting to finally be together, we will appreciate each other more when we are together.

If we can get through all this (visa process, lol) together, I believe we will be able to conquer anything together in our future!! Nothing worth having, comes easy! Good luck and speedy process to all!

[Jasman0717 9]

We are having great difficulties with Claudeth's family. They think they have hit easy street because Claudeth is now in America not realizing that we are suffering from the economical mess as much as the rest of the world. They want us to send money and goody boxes to them all the time and none are doing anything about earning on their own. I have dumped a ton of money into their little store but they seem to think I can just continue to subsidize them. Ugh

[KikuyuLove 0]

As we all know, it really is tough with some people to get them understand that the special person in your life is not from your neighborhood. The nervous moment has been interfacing with various family members and to my surprise, her family seems more accepting of me at this point. We've taken a slow steps approach with mine easing my parents into the whole concept that I have found someone really special. My brother and sister are excited and are nearly as anxious as I am on waiting on the process. Most everyone around me has seen the positive changes in me and know that I am the happiest that I have ever been in my life.

The hardest part is that I have seen in one of my friends a streak of jealousy over my happiness. (He was actually there when I met Sharon.) As soon as he realized that Sharon and I were clicking, I think he saw himself as a very unhappy and lonely man fearing his closest and possibly only friend had other priorities. After a few months together, Sharon and my sister among other friends actually pointed this out to me again. I would like to work to assure the people around me that this is a well thought through relationship and that I know in my heart we truly love and care for each other and have each other's back. I know this is harsh but if my friend cannot get behind us after nearly three years together, I will not allow him to poison our relationship.

Well, off to see my Love in 3 weeks! (F) (F)

[Bern. 3]

In my experience, I just pulled my mother aside and explained that I had recently (4-5 months earlier) had gotten into a relationship with an American. And since she too is an immigration (Philippines to Canada) she did not care about it too much, she supported me and asked about when we'd be meeting for the first time. But she made me SWEAR that he HAS to come here first. So he did. My dad was another story, he thought my fiance was some evil man that was going to murder me.

All my friends were very skeptical, but once they met him, they were impressed and supported my decision. But of course I still have the cynics that don't believe in long distance and what not. Nothing I can do about them but prove them wrong !

[Mrs. Diaz 1]

I saw another thread online this morning that made me think about the difficulties of explaining my long distance relationships to family, friends and co-workers. Instead of hijacking that thread I wanted to post my approach and get some tips so we might be able help others in the future.

I have found about 3 different kinds of reaction when I try to explain what “going on” in my personal life. It goes something like this:

1. Total trust – We discuss what is going on. They are not judgmental are supportive and interested in my happiness

2. Concerned –I share some of the details but also choose when / what to say – bring them along slowly

3. Complete skeptics – Let them know I am in a relationship and happy but offer no details

I dont believe in springing things on people so I chose to have multiple conversation with my Total trust and Concerned groups over the 6 – 8 months of the K1 process. Here is a list of some of the things I have done & mostly in the order I did them:

• I met someone on vacation ( I would not show pictures together as its TMI)

• I like this person / we talk allot

• We met online prior to my vacation / show a single picture of only (expect it to be difficult conversation & don’t try to convince them of anything)

• Give details of your S.O. life, culture and funny stories (showing they are a real and interesting person)

• Explain that the S.O. will come to visit in 8 months (but not using the their fiance visa)

____o You will help them come over

____o They will be staying with you (keep it at a high level)

• Let them chat with your S.O. online you are there (this was a GREAT way to connect)

• Giving the phone to them to say hello to S.O. during your conversation.

• Buying that cultures cookbook, utensils, spices and food and then preparing meals with your family (this is a GREAT way to connect)

• Take a second long vacation (people want interesting and funny stories of your visit)

• Show pictures of your vacation (together, happy and in love)

When I have been pressed to explaining the I-129f process I choose to keep it simple by explaining the long timeline with escalating commitments points and all the built in exit points that culminate to the “All I have to do is NOT get married during the 90 days” (which of course is not likely but is a great way to calm people down). As for my category 3 people what can you do? Almost all will be surprised and skeptics. Some will be mad and others will be jealous. Chada and I talk about this but we have so many more important things to focus on we will deal with "those people" later.

What are some tips or experience you would like to share?

I agree in what you say.... It is hard some times when people doesn't understand or don't want to understand.... I choose not to tell some people about my LDR. When you are living thousands of miles away from the one you love, you don't want to hear that your relationship is not going to last etc etc. Some people are very understanding and doesn't think that a LDR is something weird at all! Those are the people I chose to talk to.

It was hard in the beginning of our relationship cuz my family seemed to think that this was something that would end in a few months or so... They just didn't realize that I and my now husband was 100% sure that we wanted to be together for a very, very long time.... ha ha.... Now that we're married the doubts that they had is gone. That makes me feel really good. Not that I would care if they disapproved for the rest of my life! I don't get upset anymore when people say something negative about LDR's. They don't know what it is like... I have an ex-co worker that used to tell me that I was crazy for doing this blah.. blah... Guess what? Well... he went to the US for 1 year to study and when he got back home he said this: "I know exactly how you feel now! You are not crazy."(He met a girl)

I don't feel like I'm the only one in this world that is in a LDR anymore, not since I found VJ!(Knowing this helps me through those days when I feel blue) All the best to you all! <3

[miss g 1]

my family are totally cool they accept the relationship, my parents are very liberal and accepting which is really great, the only thing they worry about is me going far away and not being able to see them.. esp my brother..

his family are another story.. they dont understand appreciate or respect our relationship but im fine with that.. i love appreciate and respect our relationship enough

opinions are like "azholes" everyone has one

[Kirsten UK 2]

My family were aware from the first time I went to USA on a holiday to see my other half 5.5 years ago after meeting online, so the fact that we have lasted this long and are now engaged and going through this process probably seems natural to them now. They know R has been part of my life all these years and accept him. They obviously have concerns about us moving away and rarely seeing us but that is to be expected and understandable. Colleagues have been the hardest bunch to convince...not that I want to convince them but once they realise you're in a LDR the quizzing can be overwhelming. Sometimes I just want to tell them to mind their own business, then I tell myself that I would be just as intruiged if it were the other way around. I try and keep the details as limited as possible, you know when some people just think you're strange! However, on another note, one of my former colleagues also met her now husband online and since moved to Dubai, so i'm a bit of 'old news' really

Its the look on peoples faces that amuses me the most when they first find out you're planning on marrying someone from abroad

Edited February 1, 2009 by Kirsten UK

[haleywynne 0]

I love this thread

I met my fiance online also, just a couple years ago. We pretty much were exclusive before we met and he visited nearly a year ago and we've been happily in a relationship and in love since. My parents met him the same day I did and loved him as a son almost immediately. I met his parents and they're equally as supportive.

As for my friends, they were skeptics before and continued to be. My best friend got extremely jealous and was showing signs of attempting to sabotage my chances of visiting (she was my employer). I learned who and who not to trust over this past year. I've pretty much dumped most of my friends who couldn't accept it. What it comes down to is that relationship is a huge part of you, and if your friends can't accept it, they can't accept you.

I don't mind telling new people about my relationship. So far everyone finds it very interesting some of them think its romantic haha.

[bora bora 1]

I was also really nervous about telling my mom that I had a boyfriend while I was living in Brazil. I remember that I was talking to her on the phone the day after he asked me to be his girlfriend and that I did NOT mention it to her. I waited until we were more serious. I was 23 at the time, which is not so young, but I still didn't know how my mom and sisters would accept the news. I figured they would think that it wasn't that serious.

Also, I had had a boyfriend while I was in Bolivia, at the age of 18, and nothing serious came out of it, though I really liked him at the time. So I figured they'd think this was the same thing.

I believe it's better to take it slow when dealing with family and friends (in general). I did open up to my close friends.

[Wis-Can 0]

I was a little nervous at first, telling people how we meet as the reactions were so varied. Then I just said we meant through a friend for a while. Now, I really don't give a ####### what they think. I am very happy with my Wisconsin honey. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. My family is my only concern, and they are having a hard time accepting it. But I know in time they will. Its just the thought of me leaving Canada they don't like. I have two close girlfriends, that are so happy for us. I think the distance thing has been good for us. We really got to know one another with the hours on end talking on the phone, the emails and online chatting. I wrote things, that I never would have probably said to him. Now, I don't have a problem saying them. No matter where you go you will always find people who are skeptical on the online relationships. All I know is that we are happy and that's what matters most.

[payxibka 10,045]

moving from K-1 to OT

[Emancipation 2]

We had hubby come to Canada on numerous occasions to meet my family & friends. We sent in the K-1 paperwork months before we told anyone that we were going to get married.. we kept it low key and then it was 3 months probably before I moved to the US we told them.. By then everyone knew my then fiance and it didn't come as such a shock. We'd been back and forth 4-5 times by then. But I realize not everyone has the luxury of living 12 hrs apart via car.

Edited February 2, 2009 by Emancipation

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

my family are totally cool they accept the relationship, my parents are very liberal and accepting which is really great, the only thing they worry about is me going far away and not being able to see them.. esp my brother..

his family are another story.. they dont understand appreciate or respect our relationship but im fine with that.. i love appreciate and respect our relationship enough

opinions are like "azholes" everyone has one

I guess I am lucky. Never had any such issues and I have a mother, 7 brothers and sisters and two grown sons. I just told them like it is, where we met, what process we are going through, etc. They all got to meet her at Thanksgiving and before hand she had developed phone and email "relationships" with several of my family. Her mother and two sons had no problem with it. Maybe a difference is that both of us traveled a lot in our work and I had lived in Ukraine and Canada for some time with my work, I think most of my family thought it was inevitable. Never had a problem but I suppose it is good advice. The only problem with telling so many "stories" is you can forget which one you told to whom.

I had no resistance from my family though, to be honest, it wouldn't have made a difference. I tell them the truth and if they don't like, well, it is a problem for them, isn't it? None of them asked for my approval of their spouse and some of them picked some real home-grown losers.

[NickD 203]

You mean like once she gets here, she is going to clean you out, and I am going to rape her 14 year old daughter? Is kind of crazy to make a 7,000 round trip for a date when there is a singles bars two blocks down the street. And to keep on doing that for two years. But both her and my families started seeing very positive personally changes in our lives and we were both accepted.

That 14 year daughter finally had a stable family life, and went from a flunking out student in her country to an honor roll student in this one, received nothing but praise from my in-laws on how I cared for both of them. My family loves my wife and her family loves me. Regarding that 14 old step daughter part, will leave that to the likes of Woody Allen.