Is it possible to keep the K-1 process a secret from my parents while I'm living with them?

[Kirsten UK 2]

I feel for you. My parents had not met Robbie until shortly after we got engaged, but we had been in a relationship for 5 years by then, so they probably saw it coming. So in answer to your question......my parents took the news of our engagement very well, they were happy...but sad that they will be 'losing' myself and their only grandchild. I personally would tell them about the engagement first, explain the difficulties you are having with bringing your partner here to meet them and ask is there any way they could perhaps travel to meet him and his family?? Obviously that is expecting alot but it may make them feel like they do have the option of meeting him. This international relationship thing is hard no matter what you do.....I'm trying plan a wedding that will almost certainly mean my parents will not be able to attend which will break their hearts too.......its such a hard situation to be in, but as long as you are honest and upfront about everything then you will not have the burden of (possibly??) guilt in excluding them or their hurt that they feel. You can't really win, there is no easy answer. But honesty is always the best policy

Kirsten

[Yader&Sarah 0]

Jen,

I was wondering if you are able to successfully talk about Gabriel with your parents. ie. tell a funny story about something he did or said, or mention when something reminds you of him and why, things like that?

Because, my parents have still not met my fiance, even though we have been engaged more a year and a half. They have never been able to make it to visit and he was also denied a tourist visa. But even before we got engaged, I would start incorporating Yader into some of my conversations with my parents and loved ones. Just a little bit at first, and I got uncomfortable looks, and awkward silence, etc.etc. But I kept at it, and little by little, the awkward silences were shorter and the uncomfortable looks were at least less obvious

Knowing that you've been together 3 years, I'm sure you've talked about Gabriel before with your family, but I guess my advice would be, keep doing it. no matter how painful it is. After a year and a half, I can finally have a legitimate conversation about Yader with my mom and she feels like she knows him just a little bit.

on the other hand, there will be people you never convince, and it will always be sad. Just yesterday, my mom mentioned that my great aunt and uncle (who are like grandparents to me) refused to talk about yader or the entire situation (I was completely unaware they were so upset), and I cried for an hour.

But I think that when it's all said and done, no matter how you go about it, secret or no, my mom had the best advice (and she was a major sketic at first!/still is actually....). she said, "you've got to stop trying to convince people, the only way they will come around is by seeing you two love eachother. It may take a year, it may take 5, and it may never happen, but pour your energy into a good relationship, and they'll see that, no matter how long it takes to admit it."

good luck!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

What can I(Jen, USC) do to make sure nothing would be sent to my current address so as not to risk them finding out before I tell them?

Tell them today. Then nothing will be sent before you tell them.

Excuse, I may not understand. You are old enough to get married, file for a K-1 visa (and all that implies) but you cannot tell your parents?

[GJen 9]

hi, this is Gabriel (beneficiary) This is not about being old enough to tell her parents, this is just a delicate situation we're in, if her parents were all open about this it would be easier, of couse we could just tell them and if they get upset, whatever we'll just go ahead and file because we are old enough to do it ourselves. but that's not what we want, at least not the way we want it to happen, so we're just thinking of when may be the right time to tell them.

Being mature/old enough is not only about face everything right away, but also thinking things over and find the right time to do it and how to do it.

if you read every post you might get an idea of our situation and maybe understand why my fiance is worrying and hesitating to tell them now.

What can I(Jen, USC) do to make sure nothing would be sent to my current address so as not to risk them finding out before I tell them?

Tell them today. Then nothing will be sent before you tell them.

Excuse, I may not understand. You are old enough to get married, file for a K-1 visa (and all that implies) but you cannot tell your parents?

[GJen 9]

Hello

This is Gabriel. Thank you so much for posting. I would say I feel related to your situation. She talked to her parents about me a long time ago, and she would also get an attitude from her parents and they wouldn't take us seriously, but after a while they would just talk along with her about me, and after she came for the first time to Venezuela, it was pretty normal for her to mention me and show them pictures of us together, etc. I even talk to her mom by mail and a few times on the phone, and I have emailed her dad a few times, too, I'm also in touch with one of her aunts from her mom's side of the family. so I would dare to say that they actually know a lot about me, BUT as soon as Jen mentions anything about commitment, marriage or even coming down here they freak out, because they don't know me, and also because they think that the fact that we are miles away means that we don't know each other enough, So That's why I think they would feel better if we both tell them and if we have a face to face talk, y'know?, I would like to be there and tell her parents how much I love their daughter and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I want them to know me and show them that I'm someone they can trust and that they have nothing to worry about.

I know Jen would go ahead and tell them right now, but we think we got an idea of how it might turns out, her dad usually just tell her, she is living in a fantasy world and that this is never gonna happen, and of course, she breaks down, so I don't want her to be alone, because if he does tell those things to her and she breaks down, I want to be there and talk for her, I don't want her to feel alone in this and I don't want them to see her alone in this! I hope I'm making sense.

I really like the advice from your mom . Anyway I'll go now, I bet Jen has more to add here so she might post something later, I'm not that good with words haha

Thank you so much, and good luck with the interview again

Jen,

I was wondering if you are able to successfully talk about Gabriel with your parents. ie. tell a funny story about something he did or said, or mention when something reminds you of him and why, things like that?

Because, my parents have still not met my fiance, even though we have been engaged more a year and a half. They have never been able to make it to visit and he was also denied a tourist visa. But even before we got engaged, I would start incorporating Yader into some of my conversations with my parents and loved ones. Just a little bit at first, and I got uncomfortable looks, and awkward silence, etc.etc. But I kept at it, and little by little, the awkward silences were shorter and the uncomfortable looks were at least less obvious

Knowing that you've been together 3 years, I'm sure you've talked about Gabriel before with your family, but I guess my advice would be, keep doing it. no matter how painful it is. After a year and a half, I can finally have a legitimate conversation about Yader with my mom and she feels like she knows him just a little bit.

on the other hand, there will be people you never convince, and it will always be sad. Just yesterday, my mom mentioned that my great aunt and uncle (who are like grandparents to me) refused to talk about yader or the entire situation (I was completely unaware they were so upset), and I cried for an hour.

But I think that when it's all said and done, no matter how you go about it, secret or no, my mom had the best advice (and she was a major sketic at first!/still is actually....). she said, "you've got to stop trying to convince people, the only way they will come around is by seeing you two love eachother. It may take a year, it may take 5, and it may never happen, but pour your energy into a good relationship, and they'll see that, no matter how long it takes to admit it."

good luck!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

What can I(Jen, USC) do to make sure nothing would be sent to my current address so as not to risk them finding out before I tell them?

Call me naive. I am a father of two married sons (and soon to be a grandfather) and my mother is still alive. My father, and best friend in the world, died 16 years ago. I never hesitated a moment to tell my mother about Alla. Or my brothers and sisters. None had a problem with it and none thought I was crazy. Why would anyone that cares for you think that? Why would anyone assume a woman from Ukraine (or wherever) would be worse than a woman from the USA ( I mean, really!) What is so odd that I met someone in Ukraine when I lvied there for two years and went back often to visit? What is odd that someone would meet on the internet in 2007? It is OK to have a local dating sites and not international? I think the internet increases one's options though it isn't how I met Alla, I don't begrudge anyone that. Better a marriage agency that a bar, in my opinion. Are there frauds and scams on the internet? Oh YEAH!!! Are there frauds and scams at the local bar? OH YEAH!!!!!!

I have a hard time understanding the difficulty in telling family, I mean it is what it is, there is no sugar coating it. Not that it needs sugar coating! You met someone, you are in love, it happens. Are you making a mistake? Maybe. Maybe not. As a son and a father, I can only say that I will help my sons (and Alla's) every way I can and always wish them best. They might make mistakes, they are big boys now, I taught them about mistakes, they can deal with it and I will love them just the same. I could not imagine my family ever interfereing with my choice of wife nor I with theirs nor would I do this with my sons.

Most people, when told our story, think it is about as romantic and as fortunate a meeting as they ever heard. We had a simple Wedding but celebrated it at Thanksgiving when all my family could attend, everyone was happy for us. Our first song to dance to? What else!!!!???? "Somewhere Beyond the Sea" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I AM crazy.

[GJen 9]

Jen,

I was wondering if you are able to successfully talk about Gabriel with your parents. ie. tell a funny story about something he did or said, or mention when something reminds you of him and why, things like that?

Because, my parents have still not met my fiance, even though we have been engaged more a year and a half. They have never been able to make it to visit and he was also denied a tourist visa. But even before we got engaged, I would start incorporating Yader into some of my conversations with my parents and loved ones. Just a little bit at first, and I got uncomfortable looks, and awkward silence, etc.etc. But I kept at it, and little by little, the awkward silences were shorter and the uncomfortable looks were at least less obvious

Knowing that you've been together 3 years, I'm sure you've talked about Gabriel before with your family, but I guess my advice would be, keep doing it. no matter how painful it is. After a year and a half, I can finally have a legitimate conversation about Yader with my mom and she feels like she knows him just a little bit.

on the other hand, there will be people you never convince, and it will always be sad. Just yesterday, my mom mentioned that my great aunt and uncle (who are like grandparents to me) refused to talk about yader or the entire situation (I was completely unaware they were so upset), and I cried for an hour.

But I think that when it's all said and done, no matter how you go about it, secret or no, my mom had the best advice (and she was a major sketic at first!/still is actually....). she said, "you've got to stop trying to convince people, the only way they will come around is by seeing you two love eachother. It may take a year, it may take 5, and it may never happen, but pour your energy into a good relationship, and they'll see that, no matter how long it takes to admit it."

good luck!

My turn!! This is Jen (USC)... yeah, our communication has definitely gotten a lot better. Before they refused to refer to Gabriel as my boyfriend... he was my "friend". Now I can talk to them about whatever and they actually keep in contact with him as well.

The fact that even though I told my dad I wasn't planning on getting married when I go to visit Gabriel in April and he said "It wouldn't surprise me" makes me feel very uneasy about discussing anything with him. After he said that I told him "Well it should because I just told you it's not going to happen." and he just kind of brushed it off. It's just.... it's hard.

And I'm not looking at this as only "How can I make this work for me?" I'm trying to weigh all my options and imagine each scenario. Like G said, it's a very delicate situation! *sigh*

[Anh map 2,098]

I've been reading along and wish Jen and G the best of luck in this proccess. I do have some questions. The questions may seem blunt, but are not meant to be mean. My K1 experience is with a high fraud consulate. I don't know what the climate is like for Venezuela. I certainly hope it's not like Vietnam. I any case be sure to read everything about his country and K1 visas here on VJ.

I agree with the PO Box advice. You can get all your info there.

You are applying for a fiance visa which requires you to be married within 90 days. Be prepared (G) to tell your "love story" and explain every aspect of your relationship. The consular officer is the one that has to believe the merits of the story, not any of us here on VJ. Be sure that your evidence and story is complete and convincing.

Jen, have you only visited G once? Why only the one visit? I understand he can't get a tourist visa for here. But it will be 2 years since you have been in the same phyiscal space if your timeline is accurate. That's a long time for folks that are planning to be married to not be able to talk face to face.

Do you (Jen) meet the income requirements (125% of poverty level = approx. $18,250 for 2009) or have a co-sponsor? This is a non-negotiable for USCIS.

When G arrives where will you two be living? You are at your folks house now but will G be welcome? Or will he / you two be living elsewhere? There are a lot of logistics to becoming a married couple. Let alone getting G settled in a new country. The time will fly by.

How do you feel that your parents (seems like it is more dad) will react to G being there with you and being told "he's here and we will be getting married in xx days?"

How will YOU react to their potential continued concerns about your welfare? The K1 visa requires you to be married within 90 days or he must return home. So the time for "getting used to the idea" is limited. A simple Justice of the Peace legal wedding is easy to do and allows you to plan a larger public gathering of family and friends.

Best wishes on the journey. Remember to keep the big picture (getting G to the US and being married) in mind as you encounter any rough spots along the way. It's worth all the work and anxiety.

Roger

[GJen 9]

I have a hard time understanding the difficulty in telling family

Imagine that you're an architect and think you have a flawless plan. Imagine you are such a dedicated architect that in the event there were flaws you would devote your entire being to rebuilding it until it stood strong and even after it stood strong.

Now imagine everytime you built it up, and showed it to the person you got the building blocks from, they knocked it down. Not broke a window or cracked a brick, but knocked it to the ground.

Sooner or later, you'd realize you just shouldn't show it to them, right?

Edited February 3, 2009 by GJen

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I have a hard time understanding the difficulty in telling family

Imagine that you're an architect and think you have a flawless plan. Imagine you are such a dedicated architect that in the event there were flaws you would devote your entire being to rebuilding it until it stood strong and even after it stood strong.

Now imagine everytime you built it up, and showed it to the person you got the building blocks from, they knocked it down. Not broke a window or cracked a brick, but knocked it to the ground.

Sooner or later, you'd realize you just shouldn't show it to them, right?

No doubt.

Sorry. Like I said, maybe I am naive, or lucky or something. In our family they would all have come and helped you build the building (my mother would have changed the color scheme or the curtains, but that's about the extent of it) Well, good luck.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I have a hard time understanding the difficulty in telling family

Imagine that you're an architect and think you have a flawless plan. Imagine you are such a dedicated architect that in the event there were flaws you would devote your entire being to rebuilding it until it stood strong and even after it stood strong.

Now imagine everytime you built it up, and showed it to the person you got the building blocks from, they knocked it down. Not broke a window or cracked a brick, but knocked it to the ground.

Sooner or later, you'd realize you just shouldn't show it to them, right?

You know, that is a very good and well put response to my (admittedly) ignorance/inexperience based question. Have you considered using it on your parents? Maybe you have. Sheeeesh, if one of my sons said that to me, I would be ashamed of myself

[GJen 9]

I've been reading along and wish Jen and G the best of luck in this proccess. I do have some questions. The questions may seem blunt, but are not meant to be mean. My K1 experience is with a high fraud consulate. I don't know what the climate is like for Venezuela. I certainly hope it's not like Vietnam. I any case be sure to read everything about his country and K1 visas here on VJ.

I agree with the PO Box advice. You can get all your info there.

You are applying for a fiance visa which requires you to be married within 90 days. Be prepared (G) to tell your "love story" and explain every aspect of your relationship. The consular officer is the one that has to believe the merits of the story, not any of us here on VJ. Be sure that your evidence and story is complete and convincing.

Jen, have you only visited G once? Why only the one visit? I understand he can't get a tourist visa for here. But it will be 2 years since you have been in the same phyiscal space if your timeline is accurate. That's a long time for folks that are planning to be married to not be able to talk face to face.

Yes. Money would be the reason I've only visited once. Believe me, I, more than anyone, know it's been a long time. I'm going to visit again in April, though.

Do you (Jen) meet the income requirements (125% of poverty level = approx. $18,250 for 2009) or have a co-sponsor? This is a non-negotiable for USCIS.

I do not. We're looking for a sponsor. See, going to my parents asking them to sponsor us would be even more reason for them to say we shouldn't get married-- that even the government doesn't think we're ready for marriage!

When G arrives where will you two be living? You are at your folks house now but will G be welcome? Or will he / you two be living elsewhere? There are a lot of logistics to becoming a married couple. Let alone getting G settled in a new country. The time will fly by.

We've been looking at apartments. There are a lot of logistics just to getting out on your own. This way I'll have someone to experience that with.

How do you feel that your parents (seems like it is more dad) will react to G being there with you and being told "he's here and we will be getting married in xx days?"

I can't say how they'd react. The only alternative would be to announce our engagement without them ever having met, which I always considered a pretty crucial part of adding someone to the family. Would they react any better to that? I honestly don't know.

How will YOU react to their potential continued concerns about your welfare? The K1 visa requires you to be married within 90 days or he must return home. So the time for "getting used to the idea" is limited. A simple Justice of the Peace legal wedding is easy to do and allows you to plan a larger public gathering of family and friends.

They know we eventually plan on getting married. For one, I've told them before. Two, I'll be 23 this year, do they think I'll be living at home forever? Does it make it worse for me to move out if it means me moving in with a loving husband I want to share the rest of my life with? We plan on having a civil wedding within the 90 days and maybe renewing our vows or having a nice little anniversary get-together later on down the road.

Best wishes on the journey. Remember to keep the big picture (getting G to the US and being married) in mind as you encounter any rough spots along the way. It's worth all the work and anxiety.

Thanks Roger! My answers are pretty blunt, too! I just... I've gone around in circles in my head and well, there's no easy way.

[Old Dominion 26]

The best time to be honest with your parents is at the beginning. You will never be able to control what happens afterward, so just waiting for the right time is impractical. The right time is now, and give time for the dust to settle. Go for it!

[rebeccajo 14]

I think you should come back from your trip with an engagement ring and a video from Gabriel, to your father, asking him for your hand.

After that - file.

[Anh map 2,098]

It's not too soon to start talking with potential co-sponsors. Check the Venezuela forum to make sure they will allow co-sponsors. Some consulates do not allow for that. (hello Vietnam!) The affidavit of support is going to be an issue down the line. And it's really cut and dried. At that point it's not about love, it's about the money.

The sponsor is obligated for several years so don't be shocked if someone may not want to do you this favor. Hopefully your folks will accept G and be happy to do the affidavit for the AOS. Are there other more accepting/supportive relatives that would be willing to sponsor?

Does the political climate in Venezuela have any impact on the visa process?

Keep studying and asking questions. VJ is a tremendous resource.