Got a good joke....

[boo boo 1]

[Ana1988 0]

Married Jokes

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When his wife asked him why, he replied, "Well, she still hasn't used the gift I bought her last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started..

Edited February 1, 2009 by EnglishFamily

[Danno 1,228]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow

Love that Beagle! (not a bad joke either)

Beaglesforsaleonline.com

[Amazon 0]

What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?

- Anyone can Roast Beef

[spookyturtle 9,466]

If a redneck gets divorced, is she still his sister?

[Danno 1,228]

Redneck Palm Pilot

[dalegg 143]

Men Jokes

-------------------------

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the

world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband

is every night?

A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and

go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed

and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars

have in common?

A. They're married.

[PhiLandShiR 18]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow

[웃 910]

Lesson #45893: Always check your child's homework before it gets to school!

When asked to draw a picture of what they wanted to be when they grew up, second-grader "Sarah" turned in the lovely drawing seen below:

Needless to say, the teacher was a bit surprised -- Mrs. Smith had always seemed like such a conservative woman.

So she sent a note home to the girl's mother asking for clarification as to the picture's meaning.

(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.

I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.

Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Smith

Edited February 10, 2009 by Confucian