Stopped cooking for my husband!

[teenutty 0]

Yes, it comes down to they have been babied by their mothers and have no concept of costs here in USA.

I just told my husband that if he wants me to cook, he has to pay for the food. Especially I am not working anymore. He went shopping last night. Came home with eggs, milk, a cut up fryer chicken and butter. I told him, "potatos, onions, carrots, celery, some herbs and I cook a proper meal." He just said, bake the chicken with pepper." HE IS SOOOOO CHEAP! I told him is he knows best, then he can cook it.

I dont think the guys realize the price of food or the amount it takes to cook a meal. [/color]

My husband expected fresh meals on the table day and night. He refused to eat leftovers because they either finished everything at his home in Morocco or the next day there would be a fresh meal and his mom would eat the leftovers while everyone else ate the new meal! I can't tell you how much money I spent on food to try and make him happy. To make various salads, a tagine, breads, dessert, and drinks in Morocco is soooooo much cheaper to make than here! He never did understand......

Love that advice, Kathryn41!!!

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

Yes, it comes down to they have been babied by their mothers and have no concept of costs here in USA.

I just told my husband that if he wants me to cook, he has to pay for the food. Especially I am not working anymore. He went shopping last night. Came home with eggs, milk, a cut up fryer chicken and butter. I told him, "potatos, onions, carrots, celery, some herbs and I cook a proper meal." He just said, bake the chicken with pepper." HE IS SOOOOO CHEAP! I told him is he knows best, then he can cook it.

Oh good grief! That sounds like some 'friends' of Hoom's that I absolutely loathe. The guys are so bloody cheap and won't lift a finger to help their wives around the house. What's really annoying is the Iranian wives are so proud that they do everything in the kitchen while the guys sit on their asses chitchatting. Last time we had a get-together with the 4 of them the women asked me to help in the kitchen and so I called for Hoom to come help too and they said oh no, in Iranian households the women do everything. (They're very concerned with teaching me how to be an Iranian wife. Which of course I never intend to be and Hoom knows it.) Damned if Hoom didn't get up to come with me even though he knew full well the women barely speak English which makes things awkward for me. I had to give Hoom the evil eye and explain that we're moving to America and he will have to get used to helping me out otherwise he should have married an Iranian. Then the light went on in his head and he remembered he can't stand the old-fashioned religious types and realized he needed to help me. He doesn't always help out the first time round but when he sees it makes me unhappy he definitely remembers the next time or so. Sure it'd be great if he'd volunteer without my having to ask and help round the house the first time around but I count my blessings considering my mom is still waiting for my Dad to help out with house chores after 40 years together.

[Munesh and Suz 0]

your husband ----> stick to your guns! but your story did make me laugh - especially the part of "his economy" - hilarious!

[merijan 0]

Yes, it comes down to they have been babied by their mothers and have no concept of costs here in USA.

I just told my husband that if he wants me to cook, he has to pay for the food. Especially I am not working anymore. He went shopping last night. Came home with eggs, milk, a cut up fryer chicken and butter. I told him, "potatos, onions, carrots, celery, some herbs and I cook a proper meal." He just said, bake the chicken with pepper." HE IS SOOOOO CHEAP! I told him is he knows best, then he can cook it.

Oh good grief! That sounds like some 'friends' of Hoom's that I absolutely loathe. The guys are so bloody cheap and won't lift a finger to help their wives around the house. What's really annoying is the Iranian wives are so proud that they do everything in the kitchen while the guys sit on their asses chitchatting. Last time we had a get-together with the 4 of them the women asked me to help in the kitchen and so I called for Hoom to come help too and they said oh no, in Iranian households the women do everything. (They're very concerned with teaching me how to be an Iranian wife. Which of course I never intend to be and Hoom knows it.) Damned if Hoom didn't get up to come with me even though he knew full well the women barely speak English which makes things awkward for me. I had to give Hoom the evil eye and explain that we're moving to America and he will have to get used to helping me out otherwise he should have married an Iranian. Then the light went on in his head and he remembered he can't stand the old-fashioned religious types and realized he needed to help me. He doesn't always help out the first time round but when he sees it makes me unhappy he definitely remembers the next time or so. Sure it'd be great if he'd volunteer without my having to ask and help round the house the first time around but I count my blessings considering my mom is still waiting for my Dad to help out with house chores after 40 years together.

Well we all deal with our husbands culutres differently. And I cant say I agree or disagree with the way you handled it. Its all between you and him. But there is an old American saying :

"You can take the boy out of the country , but

You CANT take the country out of the boy."

[ya falaha! 0]

While I don't agree with the way your husband manages money or his approach to your "shared" food bill, I believe your approach ie not cooking is basically cutting off your nose to spite your face. Why not figure out approximately how much food will cost each month and get half from him prior to shopping for groceries? Or figure the food costs into the household bills and get your half that way? That's what we do.

I understand that marriage can be tough esp when our partners don't behave the way we'd like but going on "strike" probably won't work in the long run. You'll be angry and resentful and so will he.

[bhajishah 4]

Do you eve rget to talk to him heart to heat during cuddle wubby time?? If not Id be showing him what the rolling pin is really for!!!

[*JG* 2]

When my husband got a job, I suggest we open a joint household account in which both of us contribute X amount of dollars to pay the rent, electric, telephone, internet and food. My husband said no. He prefered both of us to buy food and put all receipts in a jar. After a month, we would tally the amount both us spent and one would pay the other according to who spent more (to make it 50/50).

I did not like this idea. It was more like college room-mates than how a husband and wife should be. I told him so. However, I went along with his method.

Low and behold, a few weeks ago, we tallied up the receipts (for 6 weeks or so of food). I spent $350.00 and he spent $190.00. So he owed me money for the difference. He then said, "I can not participate in this because I have a bad ecomony." This is because he just bought a truck and PREFERED to pay TO LARGE LUMP SUMS OF CASH rather than a longer, less burdensome 6-8 month payment plan.

This really irked me. The reason my food bill is higher is because when I shop for food, I buy basic ingrediants to cook home-cooked meals, usually 4 or 5 servings worth (FOR HIS BENEFIT). Cheaper cuts of meat, like pot roast, value pack chicken thighs, herbs, stock veggies, etc. (make tarragon mushroom chicken soup, beef stew, pot pies) I am also the one who does 90% of the heavy cleaning. So I know when we need dish soap, cloth detergent, A-jax, sponges, etc. Whenever he goes shopping he buys (milk, cereal, dates, eggs, cup of noodles -THAT'S IT!).

Well, I decided if he can't "participate" because of "his economy," neither could I. So I stopped all shopping and cooking. I refuse to even eat with him. And I will eat the food he brings home. So I have been living on cereal and cup of noodles off and on. But mostly eating at work.

He finally asked me, "aren't you going to cook anymore or eat anymore?"

Been there, done that. If he wants to be fair, then, it has to be fair. If you are taking the full burden, I would do the same thing.

Stick to your guns. You let someone take advantage of you, they will.

[nunyab 0]

we decided to do 3 accounts... one joint for the house bills and things (most of our money) the other two one for me and one just for him for whatever we want to do.

I suggested a % of our income so say 60% goes into the joint account and the remaining 40 is our own. Than again he did just get here so we'll see how that goes insha'allah

good luck

[Sandrila 1]

you know I knew that things would be different for me marrying my man.

I tried to think that my life would be the same or that we would be equal but we are not.

We fuss and fight about certain issues because now, that we actually live together, we see the exact expectations

and personality of the other under REAL terms.

I dont mind doing wifely "duties" I had to do wifely duties anyway, I have children and I am not a lazy slob.

I enjoy cooking, I want to have a clean house BUT I was thinking there would be some degree of HELP.

I dont think it is a MENA characteristic. Plenty of men around the world are big babies, who could never accomplish what we women do in one day. But I did notice how the men there would literally not do anything in the home.

I mean sit there and WATCH their poor old mothers slaving over everything.

I mean I work too. It is just that us women here can call our own shots. We are used to doing what we want, when we want and total EQUALITY for everything. My husband just feels certain things are my duty. I dont mind catering to my man but if you are a man then certainly you have 2 hands and 2 legs to do anything that I can do, why is that you work more? or you are more tired?? The work and exhaustion are the same only I have to feel that I have to keep going and going and going........and not really feeling that what you do is acknowledged or appreciated.

I guess I would have nothing to say if all my needs were being met and cooperation was apparent without having to say a word.

[teenutty 0]

I actually need to lose some weight (20lbs) that I put on over the last year. So is really in my benefit not to cook or shop. I could just "slimfast" for the next 5 weeks before I leave.

However, since I have been laid off from my job, I have the time now to shop and cook. In the spirit of reconciliation I have offered to cook IF HE BUYS THE FOOD. He bought a lonely chicken and some butter. So I will go out today and buy a few ingredients to make some pasta tonight.

I want the next 5 weeks before I leave to be peaceful....Especially if I am gone for six months after that.

While I don't agree with the way your husband manages money or his approach to your "shared" food bill, I believe your approach ie not cooking is basically cutting off your nose to spite your face. Why not figure out approximately how much food will cost each month and get half from him prior to shopping for groceries? Or figure the food costs into the household bills and get your half that way? That's what we do.

I understand that marriage can be tough esp when our partners don't behave the way we'd like but going on "strike" probably won't work in the long run. You'll be angry and resentful and so will he.

[*JG* 2]

0nly nun's change habits.

Ha ha.....Amen to that. No matter how much you want to will someone to change, they just don't.

[teenutty 0]

Now that I am laid off, my husband is forced to step up to the plate....He has "assured" my mother "he is my husband and will provide for me."

I would actually prefer to be a housewife....I have worked since I was 16. Or work part time for my spending money.

Anyway, I am going away...So hubby can take care of himself.

you know I knew that things would be different for me marrying my man.

I tried to think that my life would be the same or that we would be equal but we are not.

We fuss and fight about certain issues because now, that we actually live together, we see the exact expectations

and personality of the other under REAL terms.

I dont mind doing wifely "duties" I had to do wifely duties anyway, I have children and I am not a lazy slob.

I enjoy cooking, I want to have a clean house BUT I was thinking there would be some degree of HELP.

I dont think it is a MENA characteristic. Plenty of men around the world are big babies, who could never accomplish what we women do in one day. But I did notice how the men there would literally not do anything in the home.

I mean sit there and WATCH their poor old mothers slaving over everything.

I mean I work too. It is just that us women here can call our own shots. We are used to doing what we want, when we want and total EQUALITY for everything. My husband just feels certain things are my duty. I dont mind catering to my man but if you are a man then certainly you have 2 hands and 2 legs to do anything that I can do, why is that you work more? or you are more tired?? The work and exhaustion are the same only I have to feel that I have to keep going and going and going........and not really feeling that what you do is acknowledged or appreciated.

I guess I would have nothing to say if all my needs were being met and cooperation was apparent without having to say a word.

Do you eve rget to talk to him heart to heat during cuddle wubby time?? If not Id be showing him what the rolling pin is really for!!!

LOL!!! Cuddle wubby time!!!! That does not exist in our marriage.

[*JG* 2]

Your solution to the food budget situation reminded me of how my cousin handled her husband's apparent inability to put his dirty clothes in the clothes hamper. She would spend time every day following around after him picking up his discarded socks and shirts and clothing from wherever he left them on the bedroom floor and where he kicked them under the bed, and put them in the hamper. He always had freshly laundered clothes for work. She, however, also worked full time and still did the majority of the domestic chores. She finally got really peeved at his continual promises to put his dirty clothes in the hamper and then failing to do so. She stopped picking up his clothes. Any laundry that was in the hamper got washed. Anything that wasn't in the hamper didn't get washed. When he couldn't find a clean shirt he asked her why she didn't do the laundry. She replied that she did - she washed everything in the dirty clothes hamper. It took about a week off him not having clean clothes to wear to work before he finally 'got it'. Problem solved. Husband trained. Dirty clothes are always in the hamper now. (And yes, his mother always picked up after him!)

Ha ha....tried that too. Did't work for us.

[Nagishkaw 510]

If God wanted me to cook, he would have made my hands aluminum.

[teenutty 0]

Yes, it comes down to they have been babied by their mothers and have no concept of costs here in USA.

I just told my husband that if he wants me to cook, he has to pay for the food. Especially I am not working anymore. He went shopping last night. Came home with eggs, milk, a cut up fryer chicken and butter. I told him, "potatos, onions, carrots, celery, some herbs and I cook a proper meal." He just said, bake the chicken with pepper." HE IS SOOOOO CHEAP! I told him is he knows best, then he can cook it.

Oh good grief! That sounds like some 'friends' of Hoom's that I absolutely loathe. The guys are so bloody cheap and won't lift a finger to help their wives around the house. What's really annoying is the Iranian wives are so proud that they do everything in the kitchen while the guys sit on their asses chitchatting. Last time we had a get-together with the 4 of them the women asked me to help in the kitchen and so I called for Hoom to come help too and they said oh no, in Iranian households the women do everything. (They're very concerned with teaching me how to be an Iranian wife. Which of course I never intend to be and Hoom knows it.) Damned if Hoom didn't get up to come with me even though he knew full well the women barely speak English which makes things awkward for me. I had to give Hoom the evil eye and explain that we're moving to America and he will have to get used to helping me out otherwise he should have married an Iranian. Then the light went on in his head and he remembered he can't stand the old-fashioned religious types and realized he needed to help me. He doesn't always help out the first time round but when he sees it makes me unhappy he definitely remembers the next time or so. Sure it'd be great if he'd volunteer without my having to ask and help round the house the first time around but I count my blessings considering my mom is still waiting for my Dad to help out with house chores after 40 years together.

You know what is soooo weird....When I lived in Iran, I would do things to help his mother around the house (like vacuum, clean the floors, hose down the patio and garden)....My husband would exclaim, "it makes me uncomfortable to see you work, please let me help you..." And when his mother went away for a few days to visit relatives, my husband would enlist his brothers to clean up the place before she came home.

These tendencies have completely disappeared.