Stopped cooking for my husband!

[teenutty 0]

Meh, not surprised at all and my husband is a very westernized, pro-woman type of guy.

We choose to have separate bank accounts because we were both raised this way. (And he is by far the bread winner of the family; the ten hours a week I work only cover my expenses, really.) However, he simply doesn't understand what shopping for food and cleaning supplies entails.

He is very good at shopping for himself. His big thing right now is Lean Cuisine. But he totally cannot comprehend what I spend money on. Paper towels? Toilet paper? Non ready-made foods like beans, chicken cutlets, pasta, etc? I could be buying computer games instead! He is painfully short-sighted, to the point where I have to remind him that we need a week's worth of dogfood because the dog has to eat every day.

I sum it all up to immaturity. My husband never had to grow up making his own meals, cleaning up after himself, or doing his own laundry/dishes (and I think this is just as prevalent amongst Western men and many women as it is amongst MENA men).

He bitches about the money I spend on a week's worth of shopping, yet that week's worth of groceries is cheaper in the long run than his habit of buying a few ready-made meals at a time. He just doesn't get it. Even simple ideas like, oh, making a batch of something and freezing it to save money...he just doesn't understand. It's like the long-term consequences of spending fly right over his head.

Some things ready made do cost less...It depends on how many ingredients go into a dish. The more complicated it gets the more costly....But simple foods like beans, pasta, chicken....That's pretty simple stuff. It sounds to me your husband is still thinking like a bachelor. Maybe you should keep tabs of how much he spends on the weeks worth of groceries and how many meals he gets out of it (just food, mind you). and then show him how yours is more cost effective.

Another reason I want to cook home-made meals is my husband has high blood pressure. All those cup of noodles, raman noodles and other processed foods are loaded with salt. I am frightened my husband is going to have a stroke from all that stuff.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I agree one he needs to step up to the plate and take care of his wife now that she has lost her economy and two he's displayed attributes of being incredibly selfish in this marriage and three you're right they do get sticker shock and don't realize everything is more here. I still struggle with Waleed's perception about here and the prices when we do comparative shopping.

You need to think of a way to talk to him about all this and soon to relieve the situation for yourself.

[teenutty 0]

Money differences/issues (finances) are one of the top 3 reasons for divorce. When many VJ type couples don't or can't live together (or even near each other in the same country) for prolonged periods of time before marriage it's hard to predict how things will be in their "real life". I think huge assumptions are made by both parties and then REALITY can really bite...

Add to that the fact than when the USC is in their country, the tables are a bit turned and the USC is out of their element, not working, and maybe being dependent on their spouse, so the fiance/husband steps up and provides... (even if he has to borrow $ from someone without them knowing it...) because he knows it's for a short period of time and he doesn't want to look bad... Or maybe the USC is paying for everything when she visits as she is feeling generous because she's on vacation, knows it's a short term thing, and assumes that he understands that this won't be the way it is back in the USA...

Things are different again (not normal) when the Immigrant spouse arrives in the USA and is out of THEIR element and can't even get a work permit, or maybe a job for a prolonged period of time. He learns to accept being dependent on her, and he sees how much she has (compared to what he has been able to accumulate in his country) and starts feeling like he is ENTITLED to save up any money he makes when he can work, so he can "catch up" to her financially... A sort of "non-reality" bubble can easily be created in each of the parties minds about how it is going to be LONG TERM...

Add to that HUGE cultural differences related to Marial Finances.. (which someone on here was totally ignoring when they posted a bunch of advice about marriage being an "equal partnership" etc. etc. which is NOT a MENA way of looking at marriage) and perhaps one or both of the parties being ill-informed, or mis-informed about how finances are handled in the other parties culture and you have a real stew brewing...

I think the biggest problem comes when the couple are on different "wave lengths"... She's thinking "marriage is an equal partnership, mi casa es su casa" and he's thinking "what's yours is mine (because you offered it to me) and what's MINE IS MINE", BECAUSE THAT IS MY CULTURUAL BACKGROUND!

Some of them like to "swing both ways" whenever one way suits their purpose at that moment... They want a "Western Wife" who can bring home the turkey bacon, (reducing their need to provide for the basics) which allows them to sock away money to use as they alone see fit. Which would be the norm in their culture where women don't contribute to the family basics and men are free to spend their money, OR NOT, as they see fit without answering to ANY WOMAN...

And then their USC wife has the "audacity" to ask them to spend $ in a way they don't see necessary, which doesn't fit into their plans for the $$ and they say, "WAIT! I'm the MAN!!!! No woman tells me how to spend $$$"....

I believe all these issues can be elements for potentially serious marital problems, when not fully discussed and agreed upon LONG IN ADVANCE of when the ISSUES ARISE. And again, talking about something BEFORE you're in the middle of it, and before you are married hardly equals living through it...

No one wants to fight about money BEFORE they live together!!! That would be in bad taste and not romantic at all....

Teenutty I think you did totally the right thing... I don't know Iranian culture, but if it's anything like Egyptian culture, (and Islamic practice) once he had an income, he should be bringing home the Cup O'Noodles.. and all you have to do is boil the water...

However if you don't like Cup O'Noodles, you are free to make something else... but wives are supposed to "live within their husbands means" and if they don't want to, they are free to add their own $$$ to the mix, but not to hold this against the man...

My Egyptian Mom told me that in Egypt women who work still expect their husbands to bring home potatoes, but if she wants to pick up frozen french fries, rather than cut and peel the potatoes herself, she better plan to add a bit of extra $ to the grocery budget from her pocket, to make up the difference in cost... because she is out working and choses the convenience of the pre-cut product... I thought there was some merit in her advice.. Of course this assumes that she choses to work, and doesn't HAVE to work.. and all of the money she is making is for her pocket.. (Islamically Proper)...

OK I'm going to Costco now... to spend $$$$

Lost the post!!!! Great advice!!!

I am not unfamaliar with muslim culture....I lived in Northern India (part of Kashmir) for a while which is predominantly Urdu, muslim. I have a very clear understanding of what is is expected of husbands and wives in the muslim sense.

Believe me, before marriage, I approached the topics of my expectations of what my WORK, MONEY, DOMESTIC contributions would be....All of which he agreed to...

I think the problem is that in Iran, we lived in a communal household (house was owned outright- no rent to pay), where the brothers all put money in a kitty. Cost of food and everything was less...A stay at home mom who did all the cooking and cleaning without question. All the adult children came and went as they pleased, knowing food would be on the table mornings and evenings...

Here things cost more, it's only him and me....

[teenutty 0]

I sum it all up to immaturity. My husband never had to grow up making his own meals, cleaning up after himself, or doing his own laundry/dishes (and I think this is just as prevalent amongst Western men and many women as it is amongst MENA men).

He bitches about the money I spend on a week's worth of shopping, yet that week's worth of groceries is cheaper in the long run than his habit of buying a few ready-made meals at a time. He just doesn't get it. Even simple ideas like, oh, making a batch of something and freezing it to save money...he just doesn't understand. It's like the long-term consequences of spending fly right over his head.

I can't trust my husband to do the laundry etc. I wish he would cook more though. It's strange that he knows nothing about cooking when his dad actually did most of the cooking in their family. Hoom only knows how to make Persian style rice. (Which is basically the same as the way we make rice only it's burnt on the bottom. )

I suppose buying a cookbook and then going on a cooking strike would be a good way to teach guys that won't cook. What's wrong with these mothers that teach their sons nothing about caring for themselves when they're out on their own?

My husband loves that kind of rice!!!! I am sure Hoom knows how to grill!!!! But anything coming out of kitchen is out of their league.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Adam is wonderful about the money. We put our money together and share it for everything. However, the few things that are going on for us is that I handle all the bills and know how much to pay and keep up with them going down and how much we actually have. I do put a calendar in the kitchen and every bill owed and whenever due is posted to that and paid ahead of time. Adam doesnt want to hear about any bill whatsoever. If I tell him theres a credit card bill due, he dont want to hear about it. I get excited how much we have paid down and constantly make plans for whats next to pay. He dont want to hear it. In his mind all he wants to know is that there is money in the account that if he wants BK or Papa Johns that he can go get what he wants. Also Im not a big cooker, neither do i cook middle eastern food. I hardly have time to cook or hardly ever hungry. Adam doesnt really try to learn how to cook or even to help cook much. When I do cook food that he likes, hes not liking the way it is seasoned bcz I dont know how to middle eastern season or season other than salt and a tab of pepper. Hes too picky a eater IMO.

The other thing is about the home. Adam is great with helping do the laundry since we go to a laundry mat but that is like 1 time a week. I do have a hard time all most impossible time to get him to help me with the dishes, or anything ese in the house that needs to be done daily. And the cig habbit of his throws me into fits bcz he smokes everywhere even though I ask him often to keep the inside of the house offlimits. I wake up in the middle of the night and know when he is smoking in the living room bcz I cant breathe. This part makes me very upset bcz Ive asked many times.

Overall though, Adam does everything else to make me happy. He works hard, shares, thinks of me, calls me often, visits me at work, holds me, listens to me (except about the bills) and takes care of me.

Some things I think of are cultural differences like not really used to bills as we know. Us ladies from here are used to a bill every other day for something. Rent/Mortgage, water/elec, cellphone, internet, credit cards, hospital bills, t.v., gas, groceries.. This is stuff these guys can not really grasp the magnitude of it all for us bcz alot of them (maybe not all) but alot of them never had half of the bills that I just mentioned or even the amount of money we spend on bills in a months time.

The same thing for food or grocery shopping for the guys. Like in our case and some one else who said he buys milk, bread, eggs, dates... that is basically just like Adam. If Adam buys groceries to him he thinks like that too. Milk, liver, dates, bread, eggs, chips and pepsi. About the same stuff he would have bought in Egypt. I dont think the guys realize the price of food or the amount it takes to cook a meal.

[Aymsgirl 0]

My husband and I keep separate finances. We choose to do it this way to prevent any problems with our account. I had loads of trouble with my ex overspending and I don't want to have that worry in my name again. We both pay the bills and he has no issue for that. If I am running low on cash, I ask, he gives. Same here, I give as needed as well. When he first came he was very spoiled with the cooking and cleaning. He soon learned that with a newborn baby and a wife working 50+ hours a week he had to help out. He played mister mom cleaned up after himself. Granted it wasn't the way I would like it but he did after a little shameful nagging.

I hate to hear that you are having such struggles with your husband. The best thing I did was take my husband to the store every time I went. He saw how fast money went and how expensive things were. I wrote down our bills and it blew his mind how much we pay. He was used to paying bills in Egypt but he was also able to have an amount that went into his savings account each month once the bills and his employees were paid. Here we are struggling to make ends meet some months. I finally think he has gotten the concept that money doesn't grow on trees here.

Best wishes to you.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Your solution to the food budget situation reminded me of how my cousin handled her husband's apparent inability to put his dirty clothes in the clothes hamper. She would spend time every day following around after him picking up his discarded socks and shirts and clothing from wherever he left them on the bedroom floor and where he kicked them under the bed, and put them in the hamper. He always had freshly laundered clothes for work. She, however, also worked full time and still did the majority of the domestic chores. She finally got really peeved at his continual promises to put his dirty clothes in the hamper and then failing to do so. She stopped picking up his clothes. Any laundry that was in the hamper got washed. Anything that wasn't in the hamper didn't get washed. When he couldn't find a clean shirt he asked her why she didn't do the laundry. She replied that she did - she washed everything in the dirty clothes hamper. It took about a week off him not having clean clothes to wear to work before he finally 'got it'. Problem solved. Husband trained. Dirty clothes are always in the hamper now. (And yes, his mother always picked up after him!)

Edited January 31, 2009 by Kathryn41

[Imua 0]

In Nepal when the wife is unhappy with the husband she will do what is called a 'cholo ra chulo bandha' - 'blouse and stove strike' - the blouse stays closed and the stove stays off.....

[sereia 0]

I dont think the guys realize the price of food or the amount it takes to cook a meal. [/color]

My husband expected fresh meals on the table day and night. He refused to eat leftovers because they either finished everything at his home in Morocco or the next day there would be a fresh meal and his mom would eat the leftovers while everyone else ate the new meal! I can't tell you how much money I spent on food to try and make him happy. To make various salads, a tagine, breads, dessert, and drinks in Morocco is soooooo much cheaper to make than here! He never did understand......

Love that advice, Kathryn41!!!

[S and S 12]

I'm so sorry for all your troubles Nutty. I think the plan you have is great and I really hope it works. He needs to learn how he should be spending him money and helping you.

The situation in my marriage has been different thank God. My husband is trying to find work now though transportation is our biggest problem. He is studying for the written part of the driving test so we can at least let him practice driving legally. Hopefully he will not need more than a couple weeks to adjust to driving here and then we can get his full license. For now I pay for everything though he did bring some money with him and the refugee place gave us some to use for him. He just handed it all to me and told me to spend it how I thought was best. Once he starts working he plans to just give me his check to use for the bills and if he needs some money he will just ask.

Surprisingly he does try to help me around the house in small ways. He will take out the trash, he picks up dirty dishes and takes them to the kitchen, he will even help me cut up vegetables for cooking. The most suprising was yesterday when I had to stay at work later than usual so he offered to start dinner if I just told him what to do. He has no idea how to cook but he still offered. Problem was I was planning to make home made chicken noodle soup. I had a whole chicken in the refrigerator thawed and waiting to be cleaned. He actually did clean it, through out the innards and start boiling it for me so when I got home I could move on to the next steps. I was so happy with him for that. He has even been asking for me to show him how the washer and dryer work.

[ForeverAmen 0]

Your solution to the food budget situation reminded me of how my cousin handled her husband's apparent inability to put his dirty clothes in the clothes hamper. She would spend time every day following around after him picking up his discarded socks and shirts and clothing from wherever he left them on the bedroom floor and where he kicked them under the bed, and put them in the hamper. He always had freshly laundered clothes for work. She, however, also worked full time and still did the majority of the domestic chores. She finally got really peeved at his continual promises to put his dirty clothes in the hamper and then failing to do so. She stopped picking up his clothes. Any laundry that was in the hamper got washed. Anything that wasn't in the hamper didn't get washed. When he couldn't find a clean shirt he asked her why she didn't do the laundry. She replied that she did - she washed everything in the dirty clothes hamper. It took about a week off him not having clean clothes to wear to work before he finally 'got it'. Problem solved. Husband trained. Dirty clothes are always in the hamper now. (And yes, his mother always picked up after him!)

LOL! Very smart!

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

In Nepal when the wife is unhappy with the husband she will do what is called a 'cholo ra chulo bandha' - 'blouse and stove strike' - the blouse stays closed and the stove stays off.....

Well, I couldn't go on a stove strike since I have to eat too. His favorite foods are pizza and waffles so we might have to go without those for a while. However, I might try the blouse strike to get Hoom to quit smoking. He promised to quit and was supposed to be threw with ciggies before we got married but he only cut down on how much he smokes and only after getting really sick with bronchitis. I got Bronchitis shortly after him and it really scared me seeing how much sicker he got than me because he smokes. I was still functional though sick, but he was completely bedridden. I told him it was mandatory that he quit before we go to the states.

[Melly 2 0]

In Nepal when the wife is unhappy with the husband she will do what is called a 'cholo ra chulo bandha' - 'blouse and stove strike' - the blouse stays closed and the stove stays off.....

Well, I couldn't go on a stove strike since I have to eat too. His favorite foods are pizza and waffles so we might have to go without those for a while. However, I might try the blouse strike to get Hoom to quit smoking. He promised to quit and was supposed to be threw with ciggies before we got married but he only cut down on how much he smokes and only after getting really sick with bronchitis. I got Bronchitis shortly after him and it really scared me seeing how much sicker he got than me because he smokes. I was still functional though sick, but he was completely bedridden. I told him it was mandatory that he quit before we go to the states.

Likely that if he quits, he won't stay quit unless he does it for himself. You might end up with your blouse closed for a very very long time.

[polarbear 0]

Finances are hard in any marriage - I think the only hope is open communcation on both sides about bills, expenses, ect....

I made the mistake recently about making a large financial business decision w/out the hubby. He wasn't very happy when he found out because he thought we had more money than we did. He agreed it was necessary, but I forgot to tell him about it. We put everything into a joint account (althoguh we have individual savings accounts) but I controll all the finances and pay the bills. Since I lost my job this applied to the business accounts as well. He asked me how much he had to make every month to maintain our standard of living and has been doing his best to make it happen.

Money has been an issue with us lately since he doesn't know how to check the accounts online. I've tried to teach him, but hes not so good with the computer and I have to show him every time. So, basically I take care of everything in our life except business relations and the more physically aspects of the business. The only thing he has to worry about is the day-to-day opperations of the business - I take care of the house, cook, clean, do the shopping, buy him new work clothes, make doctor's appointments, pay the bills, ect... I also do all paperwork, emails, and finances for the buisness we own together. Hes only home after 6pm and usually leaves the house before I've eaten breakfast - therefore, has no idea what I do with my day. He just knows that dinner is ready and the house clean when he comes home, the bills get paid, and I organize the more tedious aspects of the buisness he doesn't want to deal with

The issue comes in when I have free license to use our money, but he's not around to see how its spent. I've been to at least 1 doctor's appointment per week since the new year began plus being a full-time college student on the side. He's wondering where the thousands of dollars have gone since the new year I just have to keep reminding him how his dental work is costing us over $3,000.

[teenutty 0]

Your husband sounds like a good guy....Helpful as best he can be...

I'm so sorry for all your troubles Nutty. I think the plan you have is great and I really hope it works. He needs to learn how he should be spending him money and helping you.

The situation in my marriage has been different thank God. My husband is trying to find work now though transportation is our biggest problem. He is studying for the written part of the driving test so we can at least let him practice driving legally. Hopefully he will not need more than a couple weeks to adjust to driving here and then we can get his full license. For now I pay for everything though he did bring some money with him and the refugee place gave us some to use for him. He just handed it all to me and told me to spend it how I thought was best. Once he starts working he plans to just give me his check to use for the bills and if he needs some money he will just ask.

Surprisingly he does try to help me around the house in small ways. He will take out the trash, he picks up dirty dishes and takes them to the kitchen, he will even help me cut up vegetables for cooking. The most suprising was yesterday when I had to stay at work later than usual so he offered to start dinner if I just told him what to do. He has no idea how to cook but he still offered. Problem was I was planning to make home made chicken noodle soup. I had a whole chicken in the refrigerator thawed and waiting to be cleaned. He actually did clean it, through out the innards and start boiling it for me so when I got home I could move on to the next steps. I was so happy with him for that. He has even been asking for me to show him how the washer and dryer work.