Stopped cooking for my husband!

[childress_london 3]

Wow, I can't imagine managing money this way. My husband isn't with me yet, so I don't have any real money experience with him, but with my ex, we had a joint account, all money was our money, and I managed it, paid the bills, etc. This worked out great because he was bad at managing money. So far with my current husband, if he has the money, he won't let me pay for anything. He's a poor student living in poverty and he still manages to pay for everything when I come visit, he's paid for some of our fees, he's even paid for some of my plane tickets. If for some reason he thinks he has extra money, he asks me if I need any! So far he has been great in this area. We'll see what it's like when we are actually living together.

[Ban Hammer 13,347]

[Jasman0717 9]

Claudeth and I always share, I put the money in and she spends it

[John&Juvy 36]

Hmmmm...

We respond little here, preferring to be learners (defined often on the web as "lurkers") as opposed to "teachers", a role we are not qualified to hold. At times we: 1) revel at and celebrate the success of those who had a faster and less painful transition than ours, 2) sympathize with those who are having a much tougher go of it, 3) empathize with, and try to assure, those that had about the same experience that we had...and continue to have. But there are times, meant with no malice nor at anyone's expense...that we have to laugh at the "Jerry Springer" qualities of some of the situations described. This would be one of them.

Please note my use, as in almost all situations, of the term "we". Compare this to the above post, where "I", "me", "my", "my husband", and "he" abound. You are not roommates, nor are you acting out some B-rated comedy movie script where a big white line is drawn down the middle of the house, the room, the kids, the dog, the car, the refrigerator, and the bank accounts denoting what is "yours" and what is "his".

Marriage is a partnership, on many many different levels. An equal partnership, replete with the concepts of sharing, negotiation, sacrifice and compromise. We all must have our individual identities, and be able to express them...one of marriages many challenges. You express those identities (at least yours) above in terms of food, money, and household duties. Is this truly how you both want to express your individuality? These certainly would be the easiest ways to share your partnership...believe me there will be much more challenging ones, no matter how blessed your life may be.

"Economies" are pretty far-reaching, I wonder how each of you have a separate one living in the same country (these days, world), much less the same household. My wife and I have both joint...and separate...bank accounts. We use the separate accounts to buy gifts for each other...as we are both healthily nosey and frugal...and this preserves the surprise and enhances the illusion of monetary "from" and "to". The accounts are linked and we transfer funds between them in all directions frequently. Regardless of purchase, name on deed or title, or source of funds...this is our house, our food, our car, our dog, our money, our parents on both sides...our marriage...our life. My wife accepts our children from my previous marriage as...well, I just said it without thought...our children.

The truck purchase sounds unfortunate, probably insensitive, possibly selfish. Men can be that way, we were encouraged to be so as children. I suppose you could be grateful he didn't pass it off as a birthday gift for you (I tried it once with a plasma TV...didn't work...a lesson learned).

There are two theories in psychology. One says that if you work at thinking a certain way, your behaviors will follow. Another says if you practice behaving a certain way, your thoughts will follow. I would suggest, possibly, the latter? Each time you are tempted to use the terms "I", "me", "mine"...or "he", "him", "his"...in your mind replace them with "we", "us", or "ours". Encourage your husband to do the same. It won't work for every idea the two of you are trying to express, but it may go a long way to erase that imaginary line between what appears from your comments to be two separate worlds. The phrase is "married life"...not "married lives". Practice, You will get the hang of it.

Good luck!

[JSVP08 3]

his economy! this made me chuckle, in a bad way...sorry nutty

the plan?

and next time he asks if you are going to cook, tell him due to your economy..you will be eating economy class foods! heh

.....

Claudeth and I always share, I put the money in and she spends it

sweet habibi ! .....

[teenutty 0]

Hmmmm...

We respond little here, preferring to be learners (defined often on the web as "lurkers") as opposed to "teachers", a role we are not qualified to hold. At times we: 1) revel at and celebrate the success of those who had a faster and less painful transition than ours, 2) sympathize with those who are having a much tougher go of it, 3) empathize with, and try to assure, those that had about the same experience that we had...and continue to have. But there are times, meant with no malice nor at anyone's expense...that we have to laugh at the "Jerry Springer" qualities of some of the situations described. This would be one of them.

Please note my use, as in almost all situations, of the term "we". Compare this to the above post, where "I", "me", "my", "my husband", and "he" abound. You are not roommates, nor are you acting out some B-rated comedy movie script where a big white line is drawn down the middle of the house, the room, the kids, the dog, the car, the refrigerator, and the bank accounts denoting what is "yours" and what is "his".

Marriage is a partnership, on many many different levels. An equal partnership, replete with the concepts of sharing, negotiation, sacrifice and compromise. We all must have our individual identities, and be able to express them...one of marriages many challenges. You express those identities (at least yours) above in terms of food, money, and household duties. Is this truly how you both want to express your individuality? These certainly would be the easiest ways to share your partnership...believe me there will be much more challenging ones, no matter how blessed your life may be.

"Economies" are pretty far-reaching, I wonder how each of you have a separate one living in the same country (these days, world), much less the same household. My wife and I have both joint...and separate...bank accounts. We use the separate accounts to buy gifts for each other...as we are both healthily nosey and frugal...and this preserves the surprise and enhances the illusion of monetary "from" and "to". The accounts are linked and we transfer funds between them in all directions frequently. Regardless of purchase, name on deed or title, or source of funds...this is our house, our food, our car, our dog, our money, our parents on both sides...our marriage...our life. My wife accepts our children from my previous marriage as...well, I just said it without thought...our children.

The truck purchase sounds unfortunate, probably insensitive, possibly selfish. Men can be that way, we were encouraged to be so as children. I suppose you could be grateful he didn't pass it off as a birthday gift for you (I tried it once with a plasma TV...didn't work...a lesson learned).

There are two theories in psychology. One says that if you work at thinking a certain way, your behaviors will follow. Another says if you practice behaving a certain way, your thoughts will follow. I would suggest, possibly, the latter? Each time you are tempted to use the terms "I", "me", "mine"...or "he", "him", "his"...in your mind replace them with "we", "us", or "ours". Encourage your husband to do the same. It won't work for every idea the two of you are trying to express, but it may go a long way to erase that imaginary line between what appears from your comments to be two separate worlds. The phrase is "married life"...not "married lives". Practice, You will get the hang of it.

Good luck!

Good advice. But I have a very distant, detached husband. One who does not offer shoulder to lean on, nor a comfort in troubled times. He is so totally unaware of me at times that getting burned in the kitchen does not elicit a response from him three feet away when I yelp in pain. He may think he loves me and is my husband and his presence is the room is enough to satisfy me needs (even though he is a million miles away mentally).

But for or me, being a married (husband and a wife) involves BEING INVOLVED with your spouse. Sensitive to each others needs.

It is a lonely and loveless existance when you are with a person who never communicates or takes an interest in you. What is the purpose of being there? How do love someone who is so totally autonomous in their existance that you?

In truth, I am weary of trying to "draw him out."

I realize now I married a man who was loner through life, independent and not really needing the companionship of a wife/friend. He would have been very happy to live as a bachelor til his old age in his mother's house, with his mother being there to cook and clean, but never really interacting with her more than that. That may be fine for a mother. But that isn't enough for a wife.

[HannahP 119]

Meh, not surprised at all and my husband is a very westernized, pro-woman type of guy.

We choose to have separate bank accounts because we were both raised this way. (And he is by far the bread winner of the family; the ten hours a week I work only cover my expenses, really.) However, he simply doesn't understand what shopping for food and cleaning supplies entails.

He is very good at shopping for himself. His big thing right now is Lean Cuisine. But he totally cannot comprehend what I spend money on. Paper towels? Toilet paper? Non ready-made foods like beans, chicken cutlets, pasta, etc? I could be buying computer games instead! He is painfully short-sighted, to the point where I have to remind him that we need a week's worth of dogfood because the dog has to eat every day.

I sum it all up to immaturity. My husband never had to grow up making his own meals, cleaning up after himself, or doing his own laundry/dishes (and I think this is just as prevalent amongst Western men and many women as it is amongst MENA men).

He bitches about the money I spend on a week's worth of shopping, yet that week's worth of groceries is cheaper in the long run than his habit of buying a few ready-made meals at a time. He just doesn't get it. Even simple ideas like, oh, making a batch of something and freezing it to save money...he just doesn't understand. It's like the long-term consequences of spending fly right over his head.

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

I sum it all up to immaturity. My husband never had to grow up making his own meals, cleaning up after himself, or doing his own laundry/dishes (and I think this is just as prevalent amongst Western men and many women as it is amongst MENA men).

He bitches about the money I spend on a week's worth of shopping, yet that week's worth of groceries is cheaper in the long run than his habit of buying a few ready-made meals at a time. He just doesn't get it. Even simple ideas like, oh, making a batch of something and freezing it to save money...he just doesn't understand. It's like the long-term consequences of spending fly right over his head.

I can't trust my husband to do the laundry etc. I wish he would cook more though. It's strange that he knows nothing about cooking when his dad actually did most of the cooking in their family. Hoom only knows how to make Persian style rice. (Which is basically the same as the way we make rice only it's burnt on the bottom. )

I suppose buying a cookbook and then going on a cooking strike would be a good way to teach guys that won't cook. What's wrong with these mothers that teach their sons nothing about caring for themselves when they're out on their own?

[HannahP 119]

In my husband's case, I think it was more of where he came in the line of children...he was first. Mom did EVERYTHING. By the time the last two were born, she needed helpers. (Boy and girl.) I think it's just something that doesn't come naturally because mom/dad thought that their education came "naturally." I can't remember anyone teaching me to boil a pot of water, but I can do it! Unlike a certain hubby when we first lived together...

[boo boo 1]

I hope that after a day or two, you and your hubby can sit down and get this matter resolved in a civilized manner. Sometimes my hubby will do or say something that offends me and I would be hurt and have a gameplan...but then I come to my senses and ask him if we could sit down and talk and I explain my side to him...he explains his side to me...and we usually come to an mutual agreement and everything is water under the bridge.

[Nagishkaw 510]

0nly nun's change habits.

[JelloShotGirl 0]

check out my writings on "how much groceries do you spend a month " in the off topic forum. Good luck and best of luck in your marriage, I hope u can work things out

[Ahmed N Cheryl 0]

Ahmed and I share a joint account and everything is our money not mine or his. Ahmed is the sweetest kindest man I have ever met. When we had to buy a new car he let me have the new one and he took the old Blazer.

I make the most money right now so I am not sure if it would be different if he made the most but somehow I think he would be the same. But one never really knows for sure.

I hope everything works out for you. You have to find your own way to come to a compromise and if going on strike and not cooking is yours then who am I to judge? Good Luck Girl!!!

Cheryl

[teenutty 0]

Men, cooking, food, economy...

Well, I am glad to see I have a few sista's who have somewhat similiar situations with husbands and shopping.

Last night my husband made scrambled eggs mixed with tuna (the place stunk to high heaven)!!! Then wanted me to eat it.

Economy: I think our foreign spouses don't realize food,everything basically costs more here. Then it's sticker shock for them when they go through the grocery check out. I know my husband is saving his pennies to send money back home. But in the process he is making our situation here more stressful. And now my "economy" really is in a bad way.

[KHPerfectMatch 1]

Money differences/issues (finances) are one of the top 3 reasons for divorce. When many VJ type couples don't or can't live together (or even near each other in the same country) for prolonged periods of time before marriage it's hard to predict how things will be in their "real life". I think huge assumptions are made by both parties and then REALITY can really bite...

Add to that the fact than when the USC is in their country, the tables are a bit turned and the USC is out of their element, not working, and maybe being dependent on their spouse, so the fiance/husband steps up and provides... (even if he has to borrow $ from someone without them knowing it...) because he knows it's for a short period of time and he doesn't want to look bad... Or maybe the USC is paying for everything when she visits as she is feeling generous because she's on vacation, knows it's a short term thing, and assumes that he understands that this won't be the way it is back in the USA...

Things are different again (not normal) when the Immigrant spouse arrives in the USA and is out of THEIR element and can't even get a work permit, or maybe a job for a prolonged period of time. He learns to accept being dependent on her, and he sees how much she has (compared to what he has been able to accumulate in his country) and starts feeling like he is ENTITLED to save up any money he makes when he can work, so he can "catch up" to her financially... A sort of "non-reality" bubble can easily be created in each of the parties minds about how it is going to be LONG TERM...

Add to that HUGE cultural differences related to Marial Finances.. (which someone on here was totally ignoring when they posted a bunch of advice about marriage being an "equal partnership" etc. etc. which is NOT a MENA way of looking at marriage) and perhaps one or both of the parties being ill-informed, or mis-informed about how finances are handled in the other parties culture and you have a real stew brewing...

I think the biggest problem comes when the couple are on different "wave lengths"... She's thinking "marriage is an equal partnership, mi casa es su casa" and he's thinking "what's yours is mine (because you offered it to me) and what's MINE IS MINE", BECAUSE THAT IS MY CULTURUAL BACKGROUND!

Some of them like to "swing both ways" whenever one way suits their purpose at that moment... They want a "Western Wife" who can bring home the turkey bacon, (reducing their need to provide for the basics) which allows them to sock away money to use as they alone see fit. Which would be the norm in their culture where women don't contribute to the family basics and men are free to spend their money, OR NOT, as they see fit without answering to ANY WOMAN...

And then their USC wife has the "audacity" to ask them to spend $ in a way they don't see necessary, which doesn't fit into their plans for the $$ and they say, "WAIT! I'm the MAN!!!! No woman tells me how to spend $$$"....

I believe all these issues can be elements for potentially serious marital problems, when not fully discussed and agreed upon LONG IN ADVANCE of when the ISSUES ARISE. And again, talking about something BEFORE you're in the middle of it, and before you are married hardly equals living through it...

No one wants to fight about money BEFORE they live together!!! That would be in bad taste and not romantic at all....

Teenutty I think you did totally the right thing... I don't know Iranian culture, but if it's anything like Egyptian culture, (and Islamic practice) once he had an income, he should be bringing home the Cup O'Noodles.. and all you have to do is boil the water...

However if you don't like Cup O'Noodles, you are free to make something else... but wives are supposed to "live within their husbands means" and if they don't want to, they are free to add their own $$$ to the mix, but not to hold this against the man...

My Egyptian Mom told me that in Egypt women who work still expect their husbands to bring home potatoes, but if she wants to pick up frozen french fries, rather than cut and peel the potatoes herself, she better plan to add a bit of extra $ to the grocery budget from her pocket, to make up the difference in cost... because she is out working and choses the convenience of the pre-cut product... I thought there was some merit in her advice.. Of course this assumes that she choses to work, and doesn't HAVE to work.. and all of the money she is making is for her pocket.. (Islamically Proper)...

OK I'm going to Costco now... to spend $$$$