Need some advice,..

[PlatyPius 5]

I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her. And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago.

I don't have kids (yet) so maybe my advice is worthless.

If she packs little to nothing, then that's all that goes with her. Everything else is sold. given to charity or thrown out, Sounds harsh but I've done to myself to reduce the clutter after many moves. Your daughter may not respect you or things she owns but their are repercussions for doing things for yourself. The sooner she learns that the better. The lesson would be worth more than what she owns unless, of course, you're rich and have huge amount of expensive things.

No offense, but that's terrible advice. Teenagers that are dealing with divorced parents can have an extremely difficult time with it. She's trying cope with a lot of conflicting emotions. She'll pack everything she wants to take, but is probably going to wait until the last minute. Whatever she leaves behind, her mom can ship it to her...and the daughter will feel both humbled and appreciative.

HA! Haha! OMFG! ROFLMFAO!!!!!

If you REALLY think that teenagers know the concept of "humble and appreciative".... Jeez, I'm crying here, I'm laughing so hard! Demons....I mean teenagers.....don't understand the concept of appreciation until they are adults. And humbled????? Not a chance in hell. She EXPECTS her Mom to ship her stuff to her. She EXPECTS Mom to do whatever she wants. She will feel nothing but justification for her actions if Mom bows down and does what is EXPECTED of her.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Steven's so hippie!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her. And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago.

I don't have kids (yet) so maybe my advice is worthless.

If she packs little to nothing, then that's all that goes with her. Everything else is sold. given to charity or thrown out, Sounds harsh but I've done to myself to reduce the clutter after many moves. Your daughter may not respect you or things she owns but their are repercussions for doing things for yourself. The sooner she learns that the better. The lesson would be worth more than what she owns unless, of course, you're rich and have huge amount of expensive things.

No offense, but that's terrible advice. Teenagers that are dealing with divorced parents can have an extremely difficult time with it. She's trying cope with a lot of conflicting emotions. She'll pack everything she wants to take, but is probably going to wait until the last minute. Whatever she leaves behind, her mom can ship it to her...and the daughter will feel both humbled and appreciative.

HA! Haha! OMFG! ROFLMFAO!!!!!

If you REALLY think that teenagers know the concept of "humble and appreciative".... Jeez, I'm crying here, I'm laughing so hard! Demons....I mean teenagers.....don't understand the concept of appreciation until they are adults. And humbled????? Not a chance in hell. She EXPECTS her Mom to ship her stuff to her. She EXPECTS Mom to do whatever she wants. She will feel nothing but justification for her actions if Mom bows down and does what is EXPECTED of her.

Although they may not show they are human at times, teenagers are adults in the making. They're in the process of learning how to deal with their emotions in constructive way and it takes them lots of practice.

Edited January 25, 2009 by Mister Fancypants

[jodee 30]

I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her. And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago.

I don't have kids (yet) so maybe my advice is worthless.

If she packs little to nothing, then that's all that goes with her. Everything else is sold. given to charity or thrown out, Sounds harsh but I've done to myself to reduce the clutter after many moves. Your daughter may not respect you or things she owns but their are repercussions for doing things for yourself. The sooner she learns that the better. The lesson would be worth more than what she owns unless, of course, you're rich and have huge amount of expensive things.

No offense, but that's terrible advice. Teenagers that are dealing with divorced parents can have an extremely difficult time with it. She's trying cope with a lot of conflicting emotions. She'll pack everything she wants to take, but is probably going to wait until the last minute. Whatever she leaves behind, her mom can ship it to her...and the daughter will feel both humbled and appreciative.

I agree....

My guess is that there are a lot of unresolved issues and secret grudge from her side, for whatever reason. Maybe she has some kind of "Mom dragged me all the way here, now she's shipping me back home" anger. Maybe she has the kind of idea in her head that she came to the US just because of you, only to make you happy, and that you haven't shown her enough appreciation for that?

And,now, the reward for all the sacrifice is being shipped back home....?

All kinds of crazy motives can be the reason for her behavior.

Who knows, teenagers can be very complicated,but you shouldn't doubt her love for you.

Have you asked her directly about her feelings, about how she has felt in the past and how she feels about her future and going back home?

I'm not talking about the practical aspects like her packing her sh!it...I'm talking about the feelings and emotions on her part

Umm,..I appreciate your comments but let me clarify something.

I left Australia, in Dec 2003, the father would not let me take the kids at the time.

The kids stayed with their Dad til Dec 2005. he decided they needed to be with me, so they moved over to Germany to live with me, and my hubby (military, so thats why we were in Germany).

They have been with me ever since,..they went to an American High school in Germany, and were well acquainted with all things American. We moved over here becasue we were reassigned here,..I didn't drag her here. And I am not shipping her anywhere. Her father asked her IN July last year if both of my girls would consider coming home for a while. This one said Yes, the other one said No. And they are twins!

I have asked her many times about her feelings, and even tried to give her guidance when she changed her mind briefly last month. I told her I loved her regardless of what ever decision she makes. I just said, make sure you are making the decision for you, not becasue you are trying to make anyone else happy.

I did say to her as Steven suggested, that I would send a box later, if there was anything she desperately wanted. If not, I'm sure her father could get whatever it is she needs. She is only going for a year.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her. And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago.

I don't have kids (yet) so maybe my advice is worthless.

If she packs little to nothing, then that's all that goes with her. Everything else is sold. given to charity or thrown out, Sounds harsh but I've done to myself to reduce the clutter after many moves. Your daughter may not respect you or things she owns but their are repercussions for doing things for yourself. The sooner she learns that the better. The lesson would be worth more than what she owns unless, of course, you're rich and have huge amount of expensive things.

No offense, but that's terrible advice. Teenagers that are dealing with divorced parents can have an extremely difficult time with it. She's trying cope with a lot of conflicting emotions. She'll pack everything she wants to take, but is probably going to wait until the last minute. Whatever she leaves behind, her mom can ship it to her...and the daughter will feel both humbled and appreciative.

I agree....

My guess is that there are a lot of unresolved issues and secret grudge from her side, for whatever reason. Maybe she has some kind of "Mom dragged me all the way here, now she's shipping me back home" anger. Maybe she has the kind of idea in her head that she came to the US just because of you, only to make you happy, and that you haven't shown her enough appreciation for that?

And,now, the reward for all the sacrifice is being shipped back home....?

All kinds of crazy motives can be the reason for her behavior.

Who knows, teenagers can be very complicated,but you shouldn't doubt her love for you.

Have you asked her directly about her feelings, about how she has felt in the past and how she feels about her future and going back home?

I'm not talking about the practical aspects like her packing her sh!it...I'm talking about the feelings and emotions on her part

Umm,..I appreciate your comments but let me clarify something.

I left Australia, in Dec 2003, the father would not let me take the kids at the time.

The kids stayed with their Dad til Dec 2005. he decided they needed to be with me, so they moved over to Germany to live with me, and my hubby (military, so thats why we were in Germany).

They have been with me ever since,..they went to an American High school in Germany, and were well acquainted with all things American. We moved over here becasue we were reassigned here,..I didn't drag her here. And I am not shipping her anywhere. Her father asked her IN July last year if both of my girls would consider coming home for a while. This one said Yes, the other one said No. And they are twins!

I have asked her many times about her feelings, and even tried to give her guidance when she changed her mind briefly last month. I told her I loved her regardless of what ever decision she makes. I just said, make sure you are making the decision for you, not becasue you are trying to make anyone else happy.

I did say to her as Steven suggested, that I would send a box later, if there was anything she desperately wanted. If not, I'm sure her father could get whatever it is she needs. She is only going for a year.

Well, it sounds like you have done everything right and that you could...shes just a confused, angsty teenager and taking it out on mom, as we teenage girls always do.

take care

[jodee 30]

I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her. And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago.

I don't have kids (yet) so maybe my advice is worthless.

If she packs little to nothing, then that's all that goes with her. Everything else is sold. given to charity or thrown out, Sounds harsh but I've done to myself to reduce the clutter after many moves. Your daughter may not respect you or things she owns but their are repercussions for doing things for yourself. The sooner she learns that the better. The lesson would be worth more than what she owns unless, of course, you're rich and have huge amount of expensive things.

No offense, but that's terrible advice. Teenagers that are dealing with divorced parents can have an extremely difficult time with it. She's trying cope with a lot of conflicting emotions. She'll pack everything she wants to take, but is probably going to wait until the last minute. Whatever she leaves behind, her mom can ship it to her...and the daughter will feel both humbled and appreciative.

HA! Haha! OMFG! ROFLMFAO!!!!!

If you REALLY think that teenagers know the concept of "humble and appreciative".... Jeez, I'm crying here, I'm laughing so hard! Demons....I mean teenagers.....don't understand the concept of appreciation until they are adults. And humbled????? Not a chance in hell. She EXPECTS her Mom to ship her stuff to her. She EXPECTS Mom to do whatever she wants. She will feel nothing but justification for her actions if Mom bows down and does what is EXPECTED of her.

Thank you both.

yes, she would be appreciative, if I did send her a box later on. I do know this. Even though she is not the best teen right now, she does appreciate when something nice is done for her.

But , with that said, Platy is spot on! She does expect everything from me, and gives me nothing in return. It is a power game with her, and if I do give in, she will think that her actions are getting her what she wants and will continue to do the same....

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Umm,..I appreciate your comments but let me clarify something.

I left Australia, in Dec 2003, the father would not let me take the kids at the time.

The kids stayed with their Dad til Dec 2005. he decided they needed to be with me, so they moved over to Germany to live with me, and my hubby (military, so thats why we were in Germany).

They have been with me ever since,..they went to an American High school in Germany, and were well acquainted with all things American. We moved over here becasue we were reassigned here,..I didn't drag her here. And I am not shipping her anywhere. Her father asked her IN July last year if both of my girls would consider coming home for a while. This one said Yes, the other one said No. And they are twins!

I have asked her many times about her feelings, and even tried to give her guidance when she changed her mind briefly last month. I told her I loved her regardless of what ever decision she makes. I just said, make sure you are making the decision for you, not becasue you are trying to make anyone else happy.

I did say to her as Steven suggested, that I would send a box later, if there was anything she desperately wanted. If not, I'm sure her father could get whatever it is she needs. She is only going for a year.

You're doing the best you can do. It will all work out. Hang in there.

[jinxlovesjeeves 0]

I have posted this elsewhere also, but am looking for some constructive advice

I don't really know where to start, my heart is breaking right now. One of my daughters leaves me tomorrow, to make a flight back home, to go live with her Dad and his g/f.

We just had the biggest screamimg match, and I can't stop crying.

This young lady is 15.5 years old. I have been asking her for the past two weeks to start getting organised, packing little bits and pieces. So what does she do,...She ignores me, she ignores my advice. what could I possibly know, I am only a Mum.

In fact, since she found out she was getting to go home, she has had the "F@$# Y$#" attitude. And when I asked her today how much packing she had done, she said, None, I was waiting for you to help me.

And when I told her I was not going to help her, and she has had two weeks to do it, you can imagine the response I got. And then the phone rings, and it's her Dad. He asks me if shes packed, and I said No. And he is like why the hell not ? I said maybe you need to ask her that. I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her.

And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago. I flew home to collect them, had to sort through boxes of stuff, just to find their things (he moved into a new house a week previous), pack their things, and then repack stuff, they wanted him to hang onto. Mind you those boxes of things, were a mish mash of all household goods, that I had to sort through.

I said, No, I was not,...she's old enough to do it herself, once again to him.

I dont know what to do. You know, all I expect from the child is a little respect. I don't even get that.

She made it plain and clear to me a few weeks ago, that she flat out refuses to do things I ask her to, because thats her perogative, and she will do things when shes good and god damn ready. Her words!

I do not ask her to do any chores in this house, do nothing except her own laundry, and this is what I get.

I told her fine, you have that attitude. But, I pity you, when an employer asks you to do something, and you choose to be like that with him. They will one, not pay you, and two, probably fire you on the spot.

I know she is not over keen on going either. She made the decison in July last year, just after we got to the USA in April. A month ago, she told her Dad she didn't want to go, and he chucked a fit, and made her feel bad about it, so she got a guilty conscious and changed her mind again, just to keep him happy. I told her to do what makes her happy, I would be fine with what ever decision she makes.

And now I get this, all the attitude, and insolence. Is she mad at me because she thinks I did not fight for her to stay here?. Am I wrong in not helping her pack?

I just dont know whats right and wrong anymore when it comes to being a Mum.

And to top it off, her twin, is upset, and I am tring to console her, and not cry myself....

Ahhh, Life's ###### sometimes,...

I have 3 kids and I think the right answer will come from you. My middle daughter is 14 and it sounds just llike her. It is always drama. I am sure she is having a hard time. Packing is trivial, she needs to know that you will be there for her if she needs you no matter how silly she acts.

good luck.

steff

[NickD 202]

Courts around here believe a child of at least 14 years of age should have a say in which parent they want to live with, does your daughter have a say? This wasn't mentioned in your post, just that she doesn't want to pack, but nothing was said about her wanting to leave. Does she have friends she doesn't want to part with?

Yelling and screaming is the last thing you want to do, and you don't own your kids nor get their respect, you have to earn it. Can also be a situation, she is just not happy that you and your ex split up and she wants both mommy and daddy at home. Is this a joint custody thing? Are you remarried? It's a bad age for the kids, want to be independent yet dependent at the same time.

Does your daughter have a choice?

I like others, already been through this, will just say, it's working out fine now, all the kids are over 18 and have a choice.

[2xHollyx2 3]

@NickD: you should read before you write

I didn't drag her here. And I am not shipping her anywhere. Her father asked her IN July last year if both of my girls would consider coming home for a while. This one said Yes, the other one said No. And they are twins!

I have asked her many times about her feelings, and even tried to give her guidance when she changed her mind briefly last month. I told her I loved her regardless of what ever decision she makes. I just said, make sure you are making the decision for you, not becasue you are trying to make anyone else happy.

[jodee 30]

@NickD: you should read before you write

I didn't drag her here. And I am not shipping her anywhere. Her father asked her IN July last year if both of my girls would consider coming home for a while. This one said Yes, the other one said No. And they are twins!

I have asked her many times about her feelings, and even tried to give her guidance when she changed her mind briefly last month. I told her I loved her regardless of what ever decision she makes. I just said, make sure you are making the decision for you, not becasue you are trying to make anyone else happy.

Thank you Gina S....

[NickD 202]

@NickD: you should read before you write

I didn't drag her here. And I am not shipping her anywhere. Her father asked her IN July last year if both of my girls would consider coming home for a while. This one said Yes, the other one said No. And they are twins!

I have asked her many times about her feelings, and even tried to give her guidance when she changed her mind briefly last month. I told her I loved her regardless of what ever decision she makes. I just said, make sure you are making the decision for you, not becasue you are trying to make anyone else happy.

Thank you Gina S....

Ha, probably should have kept my big mouth shut, was tired working on Vista problems on my step sons' computer, solved them, left my computer on VJ, came to turn it off and read your first post and just glanced at the responses, missed that one.

We tend to think of our own problems in a divorce and remarriage especially when children are involved, are there answers to this? At times, think no, just do the best you can. Please accept my apology for my post.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

she said yes, but i bet now shes thinking no and what have i done. I wont pack maybe it will go away and how can i leave my sister, im so confused, what should i do, i dont want to let down my shield and let them know how i really feel, i have to be tough and stand my grounds

[Nessa 23]

she said yes, but i bet now shes thinking no and what have i done. I wont pack maybe it will go away and how can i leave my sister, im so confused, what should i do, i dont want to let down my shield and let them know how i really feel, i have to be tough and stand my grounds

why do you think that? i bet the opposite. If she doesn't want to go, she should try to convince her mom by being nice. She has the fukc you attitude because she knows she's going to live with her dad now and she feels like she doesn't have to answer or respect her mom.

And I agree with platy. And if it was me, and my kid had that attitude, i would not only not help him in the last minute because he was told to pack over and over again for 2 weeks, but i'd also not send him his stufff. It's one thing if he had everything packed and this or that box couldn't go because there's no space, then I'd ship him that. It's another thing not doing your packing and expect me to do it for you and ship it to you because you're too lazy to do so. No way I would be treated with no respect and still do his job. What would I be teaching him? I wouldn't sell or donate his stuff, i'd keep it, since it's only for a year, btw.

Of course, i'm not giving you any advice on how to raise your child, I'm just telling you what I'd do in your position.

Edited January 25, 2009 by Nessa

[brnidokiegurl 0]

i say this because, have you ever pushed a issue so hard, did everything you could to get your way but then later you changed your mind....now how do you apoligize without apoligizing, remember this is a young person, the word confusion and being a teen is a understatement> most at this age argue with parents but i doubt she really wants to leave her sister, twins have this bond that doesnt break, she just doesnt want to hear the (i told you so) or admit she was wrong