Need some advice,..

[jodee 30]

I have posted this elsewhere also, but am looking for some constructive advice

I don't really know where to start, my heart is breaking right now. One of my daughters leaves me tomorrow, to make a flight back home, to go live with her Dad and his g/f.

We just had the biggest screamimg match, and I can't stop crying.

This young lady is 15.5 years old. I have been asking her for the past two weeks to start getting organised, packing little bits and pieces. So what does she do,...She ignores me, she ignores my advice. what could I possibly know, I am only a Mum.

In fact, since she found out she was getting to go home, she has had the "F@$# Y$#" attitude. And when I asked her today how much packing she had done, she said, None, I was waiting for you to help me.

And when I told her I was not going to help her, and she has had two weeks to do it, you can imagine the response I got. And then the phone rings, and it's her Dad. He asks me if shes packed, and I said No. And he is like why the hell not ? I said maybe you need to ask her that. I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her.

And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago. I flew home to collect them, had to sort through boxes of stuff, just to find their things (he moved into a new house a week previous), pack their things, and then repack stuff, they wanted him to hang onto. Mind you those boxes of things, were a mish mash of all household goods, that I had to sort through.

I said, No, I was not,...she's old enough to do it herself, once again to him.

I dont know what to do. You know, all I expect from the child is a little respect. I don't even get that.

She made it plain and clear to me a few weeks ago, that she flat out refuses to do things I ask her to, because thats her perogative, and she will do things when shes good and god damn ready. Her words!

I do not ask her to do any chores in this house, do nothing except her own laundry, and this is what I get.

I told her fine, you have that attitude. But, I pity you, when an employer asks you to do something, and you choose to be like that with him. They will one, not pay you, and two, probably fire you on the spot.

I know she is not over keen on going either. She made the decison in July last year, just after we got to the USA in April. A month ago, she told her Dad she didn't want to go, and he chucked a fit, and made her feel bad about it, so she got a guilty conscious and changed her mind again, just to keep him happy. I told her to do what makes her happy, I would be fine with what ever decision she makes.

And now I get this, all the attitude, and insolence. Is she mad at me because she thinks I did not fight for her to stay here?. Am I wrong in not helping her pack?

I just dont know whats right and wrong anymore when it comes to being a Mum.

And to top it off, her twin, is upset, and I am tring to console her, and not cry myself....

Ahhh, Life's ###### sometimes,...

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I can relate. My teenage children carried with them a lot of anger over the divorce and it seemed as if most of the anger was directed at me. She's probably going through a lot emotional turmoil, conflicting feelings and torn about how to be close to both parents emotionally without taking sides, not to mention severing any friendships she has established while living with you. I'd recommend just give her space and let her sort it all out for herself. Just reassure her that you love her and have patience for it to work out for the best.

[alienlovechild 75]

I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her. And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago.

I don't have kids (yet) so maybe my advice is worthless.

If she packs little to nothing, then that's all that goes with her. Everything else is sold. given to charity or thrown out, Sounds harsh but I've done to myself to reduce the clutter after many moves. Your daughter may not respect you or things she owns but their are repercussions for doing things for yourself. The sooner she learns that the better. The lesson would be worth more than what she owns unless, of course, you're rich and have huge amount of expensive things.

[boo boo 1]

I have a teenage son, who was being disrespectful towards me and was starting to act up in school. I told him that I could not allow him to act like that anymore and I went to therapy with him.

I would let things calm down alittle and then maybe ask her if she wants you to help her pack...during that time let her know that you love her and it would mean alot if you could have a civilized relationship with her. Let her know that you are going to miss her and will always be there for her. I would just reassure her how much you care about her, I can imagine packing could be alittle overwhelming for her right now...especially if she does have alot of things on her mind.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her. And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago.

I don't have kids (yet) so maybe my advice is worthless.

If she packs little to nothing, then that's all that goes with her. Everything else is sold. given to charity or thrown out, Sounds harsh but I've done to myself to reduce the clutter after many moves. Your daughter may not respect you or things she owns but their are repercussions for doing things for yourself. The sooner she learns that the better. The lesson would be worth more than what she owns unless, of course, you're rich and have huge amount of expensive things.

No offense, but that's terrible advice. Teenagers that are dealing with divorced parents can have an extremely difficult time with it. She's trying cope with a lot of conflicting emotions. She'll pack everything she wants to take, but is probably going to wait until the last minute. Whatever she leaves behind, her mom can ship it to her...and the daughter will feel both humbled and appreciative.

[JVKn'CVO 11]

I was in a similar situation when I was a teenager, so this is from my own experience.

Is it possible that she had a change of heart, and is being too proud to admit it and feels she is being pressured to go through with this?

and yes, if you want her to stay, you should tell her that. It's easy in a situation like that to feel like you are a burden rather than loved, and hence, act up out of anger.

Good luck

Saludos,

Caro

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her. And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago.

I don't have kids (yet) so maybe my advice is worthless.

If she packs little to nothing, then that's all that goes with her. Everything else is sold. given to charity or thrown out, Sounds harsh but I've done to myself to reduce the clutter after many moves. Your daughter may not respect you or things she owns but their are repercussions for doing things for yourself. The sooner she learns that the better. The lesson would be worth more than what she owns unless, of course, you're rich and have huge amount of expensive things.

No offense, but that's terrible advice. Teenagers that are dealing with divorced parents can have an extremely difficult time with it. She's trying cope with a lot of conflicting emotions. She'll pack everything she wants to take, but is probably going to wait until the last minute. Whatever she leaves behind, her mom can ship it to her...and the daughter will feel both humbled and appreciative.

Being a teenager is hard enough, throw in a divorce and moving to another country...wow!

To the OP,

It sounds like she is lashing out at you because its safe. We all know how it is with family, they are the ones that get the most sh!t slung at them.

If her dad guilted her, maybe she is feeling unsure about the whole decision and just needs you to assure her that no matter what she chose, you support and love her.

I would also help her pack and use that time to really talk to her. Tell her how you feel, ask her how she REALLY feels about the whole thing. Ask her to sit her anger aside for a moment(and you do the same) to share with you what is going on. Ask her if she is afraid, what is she afraid of? thats what i would do.

Sometimes it is hard for adults to sort out feelings, its even harder for teens.

Good Luck

Lisa

[dalegg 143]

Teens are moody and unpredictable.

When my first wife left me with the kids, we were all okay, but my 10 year old daughter wanted to be with here mother. My son, 12 was cool with me. For 2 years we were actually one nice happy unit, and eventually the idea of moving with here mother left my daughters mind.

Then Nicole comes and my son suddenly decides he wants to move with his mother, so he does. But while he moves he goes into a metamorphasis from 14 to 15 and he is uncontrollable with her. He starts failing all classes, getting suspended, drunk in school, bad attitude towards everyone, especially my new wife. Eventually he calmed down and moved back with me, got back in school, and graduated early.

Then, my daughter decides she wants to move away to be with mom. *sigh*. Difference is she has a great attitude with everyone. She just wanted change and to be closer to her boyfriend who moved in that area. They broke up but she will probably finish high school there.

Now my son actually gets along great with my new wife, but clearly he was NOT okay with it in the beginning. It took 2 years for the affects of our divorce to start with him- it was only final in his mind when the new wife arrived.

I can only be thankful its over really. What was that Paul Giamatti said in Planet of the apes "get rid of it by puberty,.. The one thing you don't want in your house is a human teenager"

[mnieto 2]

I also said to him that if she didn't pack something and she forgot it, that's on her. And his response was, you could at least help her,...This is coming from the same man, that refused to pack anything of theirs when they came to live with me 3 years ago.

I don't have kids (yet) so maybe my advice is worthless.

If she packs little to nothing, then that's all that goes with her. Everything else is sold. given to charity or thrown out, Sounds harsh but I've done to myself to reduce the clutter after many moves. Your daughter may not respect you or things she owns but their are repercussions for doing things for yourself. The sooner she learns that the better. The lesson would be worth more than what she owns unless, of course, you're rich and have huge amount of expensive things.

No offense, but that's terrible advice. Teenagers that are dealing with divorced parents can have an extremely difficult time with it. She's trying cope with a lot of conflicting emotions. She'll pack everything she wants to take, but is probably going to wait until the last minute. Whatever she leaves behind, her mom can ship it to her...and the daughter will feel both humbled and appreciative.

I agree....

My guess is that there are a lot of unresolved issues and secret grudge from her side, for whatever reason. Maybe she has some kind of "Mom dragged me all the way here, now she's shipping me back home" anger. Maybe she has the kind of idea in her head that she came to the US just because of you, only to make you happy, and that you haven't shown her enough appreciation for that?

And,now, the reward for all the sacrifice is being shipped back home....?

All kinds of crazy motives can be the reason for her behavior.

Who knows, teenagers can be very complicated,but you shouldn't doubt her love for you.

Have you asked her directly about her feelings, about how she has felt in the past and how she feels about her future and going back home?

I'm not talking about the practical aspects like her packing her sh!it...I'm talking about the feelings and emotions on her part

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Teens are moody and unpredictable.

When my first wife left me with the kids, we were all okay, but my 10 year old daughter wanted to be with here mother. My son, 12 was cool with me. For 2 years we were actually one nice happy unit, and eventually the idea of moving with here mother left my daughters mind.

Then Nicole comes and my son suddenly decides he wants to move with his mother, so he does. But while he moves he goes into a metamorphasis from 14 to 15 and he is uncontrollable with her. He starts failing all classes, getting suspended, drunk in school, bad attitude towards everyone, especially my new wife. Eventually he calmed down and moved back with me, got back in school, and graduated early.

Then, my daughter decides she wants to move away to be with mom. *sigh*. Difference is she has a great attitude with everyone. She just wanted change and to be closer to her boyfriend who moved in that area. They broke up but she will probably finish high school there.

Now my son actually gets along great with my new wife, but clearly he was NOT okay with it in the beginning. It took 2 years for the affects of our divorce to start with him- it was only final in his mind when the new wife arrived.

I can only be thankful its over really. What was that Paul Giamatti said in Planet of the apes "get rid of it by puberty,.. The one thing you don't want in your house is a human teenager"

Oh my gosh, Dale - we could share stories. From what I've seen, the kids will be into their early adulthood before they really start to sort it out. It's the most regrettable part of my divorce - knowing the amount of emotional turmoil and anguish my kids went through.

[dalegg 143]

Teens are moody and unpredictable.

When my first wife left me with the kids, we were all okay, but my 10 year old daughter wanted to be with here mother. My son, 12 was cool with me. For 2 years we were actually one nice happy unit, and eventually the idea of moving with here mother left my daughters mind.

Then Nicole comes and my son suddenly decides he wants to move with his mother, so he does. But while he moves he goes into a metamorphasis from 14 to 15 and he is uncontrollable with her. He starts failing all classes, getting suspended, drunk in school, bad attitude towards everyone, especially my new wife. Eventually he calmed down and moved back with me, got back in school, and graduated early.

Then, my daughter decides she wants to move away to be with mom. *sigh*. Difference is she has a great attitude with everyone. She just wanted change and to be closer to her boyfriend who moved in that area. They broke up but she will probably finish high school there.

Now my son actually gets along great with my new wife, but clearly he was NOT okay with it in the beginning. It took 2 years for the affects of our divorce to start with him- it was only final in his mind when the new wife arrived.

I can only be thankful its over really. What was that Paul Giamatti said in Planet of the apes "get rid of it by puberty,.. The one thing you don't want in your house is a human teenager"

Oh my gosh, Dale - we could share stories. From what I've seen, the kids will be into their early adulthood before they really start to sort it out. It's the most regrettable part of my divorce - knowing the amount of emotional turmoil and anguish my kids went through.

I have to tell you I look back a lot now, seeing how things turned out and wonder if I should have tried harder to keep their mother. Honestly, I didn't really love her, but we were good friends. I actually left her once, but we reconciled. When she said she wanted to leave I was actually thrilled- once I realized I could actually support

the kids on my own. Somehow I had it in my mind that everything would go on normally as long as they visited their mother regularly- and it did for the first couple years. After the trouble with my son I started to question my lack of action. Maybe I should have tried to convince her mother to stay- for them- even though I personally was glad she was gone. I believe both of my kids would have been better off if we had stayed together. Well, what can you do..

[mnieto 2]

Teens are moody and unpredictable.

When my first wife left me with the kids, we were all okay, but my 10 year old daughter wanted to be with here mother. My son, 12 was cool with me. For 2 years we were actually one nice happy unit, and eventually the idea of moving with here mother left my daughters mind.

Then Nicole comes and my son suddenly decides he wants to move with his mother, so he does. But while he moves he goes into a metamorphasis from 14 to 15 and he is uncontrollable with her. He starts failing all classes, getting suspended, drunk in school, bad attitude towards everyone, especially my new wife. Eventually he calmed down and moved back with me, got back in school, and graduated early.

Then, my daughter decides she wants to move away to be with mom. *sigh*. Difference is she has a great attitude with everyone. She just wanted change and to be closer to her boyfriend who moved in that area. They broke up but she will probably finish high school there.

Now my son actually gets along great with my new wife, but clearly he was NOT okay with it in the beginning. It took 2 years for the affects of our divorce to start with him- it was only final in his mind when the new wife arrived.

I can only be thankful its over really. What was that Paul Giamatti said in Planet of the apes "get rid of it by puberty,.. The one thing you don't want in your house is a human teenager"

Oh my gosh, Dale - we could share stories. From what I've seen, the kids will be into their early adulthood before they really start to sort it out. It's the most regrettable part of my divorce - knowing the amount of emotional turmoil and anguish my kids went through.

I have to tell you I look back a lot now, seeing how things turned out and wonder if I should have tried harder to keep their mother. Honestly, I didn't really love her, but we were good friends. I actually left her once, but we reconciled. When she said she wanted to leave I was actually thrilled- once I realized I could actually support

the kids on my own. Somehow I had it in my mind that everything would go on normally as long as they visited their mother regularly- and it did for the first couple years. After the trouble with my son I started to question my lack of action. Maybe I should have tried to convince her mother to stay- for them- even though I personally was glad she was gone. I believe both of my kids would have been better off if we had stayed together. Well, what can you do..

you shouldn't let your wife know that...it would make her feel pretty bad

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I have to tell you I look back a lot now, seeing how things turned out and wonder if I should have tried harder to keep their mother. Honestly, I didn't really love her, but we were good friends. I actually left her once, but we reconciled. When she said she wanted to leave I was actually thrilled- once I realized I could actually support

the kids on my own. Somehow I had it in my mind that everything would go on normally as long as they visited their mother regularly- and it did for the first couple years. After the trouble with my son I started to question my lack of action. Maybe I should have tried to convince her mother to stay- for them- even though I personally was glad she was gone. I believe both of my kids would have been better off if we had stayed together. Well, what can you do..

Well, you can't beat yourself up over it. The kids will eventually grow into mature adults and hopefully, they'll fully appreciate why things happened the way they did.

[Danno 1,228]

I think the truth is, at 15.5 years of age, the time to teach "respect" has long past. (at least by a decade). Some parents teach it better than others and some kids learn it better than others.

Now your goal should be to "make the best of the situation".

Think about it,

In just a year or two the parent/child relationship will be over, my advice is to not make a mountain out of a mole hill about helping her pack.

If she were going on a weekend trip, I would let her forget her Bathing suite and Bug-spray but since she is Moving away, I would try to give it a sweet "good-bye" without making her think she manipulated you. (not easy I know).

Good luck.

[dalegg 143]

I have to tell you I look back a lot now, seeing how things turned out and wonder if I should have tried harder to keep their mother. Honestly, I didn't really love her, but we were good friends. I actually left her once, but we reconciled. When she said she wanted to leave I was actually thrilled- once I realized I could actually support

the kids on my own. Somehow I had it in my mind that everything would go on normally as long as they visited their mother regularly- and it did for the first couple years. After the trouble with my son I started to question my lack of action. Maybe I should have tried to convince her mother to stay- for them- even though I personally was glad she was gone. I believe both of my kids would have been better off if we had stayed together. Well, what can you do..

you shouldn't let your wife know that...it would make her feel pretty bad

We've actually talked about it. It's nothing more than a philisophical discussion and actually has little to do with her. I know it seems like it would, but by the time I met my new wife, my ex wife was already re-engaged so the window of opportunity had already passed even if the thought had crossed my mind (which it hadn't). She knows that I don't mean that at any time I would have actually considered going back to my ex while we were together. Its one of those things that you'd have to have a time machine for. My new wife is actually a very smart gal and we can have conversations like this without turning it into something it isn't. That's one of the reasons that I love her!