Is it american thing or it's just me?

[CarolineM 0]

I remember the whole debate on here about that "Time in person" thing...and I honestly can't change my mind about that...

I totally understand what you are saying and I am so happy it worked out for you and Sujeet!

[Jenn! 918]

Call me the jerk here -b ut only spending time in person together twice...that's an issue.

Also really doesn't matter what any of us think, If YOU are unhappy...well...trust your gut

Perhaps Karo, but that is a western view of marriage. There are so many other cultures where marriage is arranged or is not 'conducted in the same manner' as it is here. Many of these people feel happy with this arrangement. Should we judge them? Perhaps we should, but its an interesting question.

Yes, we've definitely already argued this point on VJ, as Karo said.

And yes, perhaps it is a western view of marriage. But where is it that people are immigrating to?

Edited June 13, 2006 by jenn3539

[scumpi 0]

After I read the long `thank you` post of Aries2005 ,now I go hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Sorry Aries, I wouldn`t like you to think I take your post lightly cause I dont,I really don`t(you have no idea).It`s just to much to say and from what I read from you,and I am not gonna analyze your every word(I am not even good at it),but my hunch is that your mind is already set ,I mean you believe in this marriage ,I`d say that gives you the energy to do your best to work the issues between you and your husband out because you`re accepting him the way he is,or you`re trying to,but from how you sound you tend more to accept his flaws than not,(which is good thing,if you really can,not everybody could), you want that ,and if that`s what you want it`s just fine. Not sure if I make much sense to you.

You probably came here just to talk to somebody not to by all means find a resolution and here we are (other people more than me ,but I have my own not- pink times right now,don`t ask... you probably won`t,cause you have your own ). Anyway feels good to know you`re not alone

All I can say is that he is one lucky man.

And I am thinking now that you said you cannot talk with other people about all that concerns you ,it`s a good thing we can do this even here on VJ .I know there are voices who say one should do dirty laundry at home (by the way,we have that saying in my country too, the world seems not that big sometimes) and might be a little embarassing but some of us really need to do that here too,and maybe there are reasons why.Geee,somebody stop me. I am getting cheesy here.

[Oulupair 0]

I agree with everyone's comments on all of the issues except the porn part. To me porn is no big deal and shouldn't be a big deal for you or any other married women either... I don't know, maybe my husband and I are just exceptionally open-minded and relaxed about that, but we've been married for over 5 years and I've never felt insulted by him watching porn. I actually think that it enhances our romantic life.

Remember that there are some things about human nature that cannot be changed after marriage, children, etc. Men are still men...

[Nessa 23]

1. My first few months in the states was difficult for me. I can write english very well, but speaking is kind of hard for me...

I can relate, my speaking isn't that good and i feel very shy. In your case, well you have to practice and with time you'll be speaking better and feel more confortable with it. As for your husband, very insensitive, i'm sorry.

2. I don't drink alcohol...

If you don't drink alcohol u don't drink alcohol. Period. Keep saying no thank you and if he bitches about it tell him politely you dislike alcohol, you won't drink any alcohol and that doesn't make you less friendly. Since when do you need to drink alcohol to be friendly?

3. ... He walked faster than me...

IMO it's extremely impolite for a man to do that. We're not in 1880, women are not submissive anymore, but honestly there's nothing you can change. I'm sorry, but if you chose to marry a troglodyte you're either gonna have to accept him the way he is, or leave him, cuz trust me, he won't change.

4. He does not like holding hands on public...

Same as above, accept or leave. It's obvious since you've talked to him about it and he didn't seem to care, that things are his way or the highway...

5. On my 3rd month here, I saw my husband watching porn online...

OH NOT THE PORN AGAIN!!! Oh please he's a man, men like to see naked women, always have and always will. ACCEPT IT!! If he didn't like to watch naked women u'd have to worry about him being gay. Which man doesn't like to see beautiful women? Naked women? Oh please! I can't believe how many women ###### about it.. it's not a big deal. Jeez

7. I told him that if he could put the name of his daughters instead, not his ex wife...

That's a good idea. There's no need at all for him to have anything on his ex wife's name. He can transfer to his kids names or his name.

6. That's all I could think of right now. In fairness, he is a good provider, very close to his family, and he is not physically abusive or verbally abusive.

Looks to me he's just being an insensitive man. Maybe there's a lack of communication between you two. Keep trying to talk to him and good luck

[jelti 0]

5. On my 3rd month here, I saw my husband watching porn online...

OH NOT THE PORN AGAIN!!! Oh please he's a man, men like to see naked women, always have and always will. ACCEPT IT!! If he didn't like to watch naked women u'd have to worry about him being gay. Which man doesn't like to see beautiful women? Naked women? Oh please! I can't believe how many women ###### about it.. it's not a big deal. Jeez

Nessa, it's a bit insensitive to tell her she needs to just accept the porn thing. Many women don't mind their husbands looking at porn, but many women do. Plain and simple. If it hurts her, why should she accept it? And even if she tried, I doubt she'd be able to just force herself to accept it--things don't work that way. She shouldn't have to change who she is just because her husband point-blank refuses to give up such a needless...ahem...hobby.

Different strokes for different folks. Not everyone likes drinking, not everyone likes porn, not everyone can be a social butterfly. This relationship, in my opinion, is past the point of compromise. Some big changes need to be made...and soon...in order for the OP to be truly happy.

[Nessa 23]

Nessa, it's a bit insensitive to tell her she needs to just accept the porn thing. Many women don't mind their husbands looking at porn, but many women do. Plain and simple. If it hurts her, why should she accept it? And even if she tried, I doubt she'd be able to just force herself to accept it--things don't work that way. She shouldn't have to change who she is just because her husband point-blank refuses to give up such a needless...ahem...hobby.

Different strokes for different folks. Not everyone likes drinking, not everyone likes porn, not everyone can be a social butterfly. This relationship, in my opinion, is past the point of compromise. Some big changes need to be made...and soon...in order for the OP to be truly happy.

yeah u're right, i'm sorry if i was rude. But I'm so tired of people bitching about porn, i honestly don't see a big deal. There's so much in a marriage u have to accept, if it was easy nobody would ever divorce right? And there's so many things i think i find very hard to accept on your partner, if they have an addiction (drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc) for example, and there are things that are so easy to accept, that if u stop to think about it, doesn't really bring any damage to the marriage. If he stays looking at porn all the time and he doesn't spend time with you, or stops doing his stuff like work, etc, then it is a problem. But if he ocasionally watches a porn or look at some online porn, then really what's the big deal? And one thing i tell u for sure, u can make him stop... doing it in front of you. Me, i'd prefer to know what he's doing than having him doing it behind my back. It's not like you have to join him, go watch Oprah or do some female thing he doesn't enjoy while he does that.

[Completely 3]

Hi..

I feel for your situation.. Honestly... If I am the one in your situation I will think twice if I will still be in a relationship with him.. Think about your self-worth.. You deserve guys who will love in return and respect you.... What he is doing is unrespectful and deceitful.. Why he will look in porns in the first place.... marriage without trust will not work trust me.. It will work for a few months but it will never be last.....

You will just be miserable...

I would rather just talk to him and tell him everything and let him know what you feel and if he did not change... well I think its time for you to go home...

This is me talking to you.. I wouldnt sacrifice my happiness to the person who dont deserve it...

There is a lot of people all over the world looking for the right one...

Minsan hindi ko naman sinasabing ikaw,, yung iba iniisip lang nila magkaroon ng dahilan para mamalagi sa america... kahit ang kapalit eh lungkot at depression... Ang nagmamahal dapat masaya, ipinaalam sa buong mundo, hindi ikinakahiya... nirerespeto ang bawat isa hindi binabastos..... Nauunawaan ang bawat isa hindi minamaliit..

Pag isipan mo.....habang wala pa kayong anak.. Alam mo baligtad kayo ng isa kong friend na amerikano dito sa middle east.. Wala siyang matagpuan na matinong pilipina.. siya palagi ang niloloko...

Think about that.. marami pa tao sa mundo na nararapat para sa yo... Cheer up.!

[rebeccajo 14]

Two year old thread...........(almost)

[SaadBell 0]

Wow, what kind of friends are these people? They should make you feel welcomed; I know I would want to know all about your culture, so interesting to me. That is really ashamed, but not all Americans are like that I promise. As for the porn, that would be a factor for me, have you thought of seeing someone professionally for your marriage. Sometimes a third party not emotionally involved can help overcome some of the obstacles of marrying out of your culture. Sometimes it is just miss-understanding, or something more, but it can’t hurt, and might help a lot.

[Abderrahim/Kodi 0]

I worry about you. Maybe there is no verbal abuse or physical abuse - but there is definitely mental abuse going on there. This man makes me very angry. I am not saying that people can't change, but the truth is, this is probably his "normal" and for him to change his ways is probably going to be difficult, if not impossible. I just think that you deserve so much better. I could never, and would never tolerate these actions by my husband. I wish we all could help you. God be with you!

[Fandango 1,440]

This is the reason why old threads shld be locked.

[Abderrahim/Kodi 0]

OK...so i know to look at the dates now....oops! Well, I hope she is doing better now.