Is it american thing or it's just me?

[TracyTN 237]

Sorry, I disagree.

These are not major problems and NOT as serious as others think. As long as everything you stated is done in moderation.

All the best,

So I'm curious. How can disrespect be moderate?

[scumpi 0]

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..

I am with Dean!

Me too...when I read her post I was just ...when I saw Dean going hmmmmmmm,I thought,yes,it`s perfectly put that way.There are lots of things to say if you read the whole post,and not give answers to only 1. or 2. etc ,just I mean the OP already married the guy and she says he loves her and she loves him,so probably doesn`t help her much or she doesn`t really want to hear things like ``you married a jerk`` and this kind of stuff. But yes hmmmm... hmmmm... hmmmm

[patricks 0]

You can label it "disrespect"; however, I'm more concerened about his "intentions" . The key question for me is.....does this guy want to hurt her, does he do these behaviours becuase he doesn't value her or disrespect her?

probably NOT,

Therefore, it's a "work in progress" open honest communication, easier said than done?

However, again, it's NOT a major marriage breaker or the situation doesn't require professional help yet.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

I'm sure her husband, if he does love her as he says, does not 'mean' to hurt the OP, but by not changing his behaviours, or trying to be more supportive of her in front of others, this is what is happening.

Talking in a new language, when you speak it enough so that people forget its NOT your native tongue, is extremely stressful

Been there done that with Spanish - when Spanish people I was with just talk 19 to the dozen while you are still trying to decipher half the slang terms they used in sentence #1.

It wasn't MEANT to make me feel left out, but that's how you feel - plus it takes so long to construct a sentence, using the correct slang, that the whole conversation moved on like half an hour ago before you can put your contribution in.

So you stay quiet and try and keep up just following the chat.

In a ideal situation hubby should be there in her corner, helping her catch up, and slowling others down if needs be..or letting her speak without being interrupted by well-meaning folks who try and complete her sentences in order to speed things up.

You and you hubby are supposed to be an equal couple..the 'us against the world' deal. Not 'don't embarrass me in front of my friends'. He should be going to bat FOR you, not using the bat ON you verbally. You aren't his daughter or his property, but from your version of events it appears he is treating you as such at some times.

You are an adult - you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions about drinking.

You tried some, in a good attempt to fit in and be sociable, but it didnt agree with you. That should be the end of things. If you want a 'get out of embarrassment' card for next time, just tell people you are allergic to alcohol. Sounds like you might be anyways.

Myself I can't drink much - I tend to pass out after 2 drinks

I make a joke of it now, and stand my ground, and no-one tries to force me.

I wish you luck with yr issues..which are really more your husband's issues IMO..

Take care

(Edit - as though i speak English really well, apparently I can't type it )

Edited June 12, 2006 by Jaylen Brit

[anya-D 8]

For me I think your husband sounds abit controlling..

But wondering.. Was he like this from the first few month? Did he expect you to adapt just like that since the first month? or did he just start saying those words (eg, you are not friendly, sociabe etc..) later on.

My point is that may be if he just starts puching you to be more friendly now, He might feel that 8 months is long enough for you to adapt (which is vary by person in my opnion..) after these past 8 months have you not improve? I'm sure you have but he might have a higher standard and not understand how hard is it to adapt to new life, family, language, and everything else.. So if you talk to him that you are trying and that he needs to be a bit more patient, then he would understand you more? May be he thought that 8 months is long enough for someone to completely adapt.... just my opinion

But if he treated you like this since the begining then he's just controlling and a jerk.. just my opinion..too

[TracyTN 237]

You can label it "disrespect"; however, I'm more concerened about his "intentions" . The key question for me is.....does this guy want to hurt her, does he do these behaviours becuase he doesn't value her or disrespect her?

probably NOT,

Therefore, it's a "work in progress" open honest communication, easier said than done?

However, again, it's NOT a major marriage breaker or the situation doesn't require professional help yet.

I do see your point. I suppose that I feel it is disrespectful to continue to look at porn even after your spouse has expressed disdain with that. Obviously the OP is unhappy about it, but only she can say for sure if that unhappiness is also because she also feels disrespected.

I guess if the OP's husband thinks she is a 'snob' because she has trouble understanding and responding to some spoken English, then he probably wouldn't give a toss what she thought about porn, either.

In other words, what do you expect from a pig but a grunt?

[Maria&Robert 0]

Wow, it sounds like he isnt being very understanding. Does it feel like he is meeting you half way 50-50? or 60-40? or less??

I feel for you, it would be great if you could find another person nearby that speaks your language that you can have an outlet for your frustrations.

But honetly, your writing English was excellent. Im sure soon your speaking will be very good too, hopefully your husband starts to meet you half way and try to put himself in your shoes. I hope so. Sounds like you deserve that, based on the fact that you really are trying hard.

[iceyspots 0]

1. he needs to learn patience. he also needs to remember that YOU are the one making an effort to learn his language, not the other way around

2. alcohol should NEVER be pushed on a person. IMO, if you politely say no thank you, there is nothing rude about that at all.

3. I don't understand that one at all. Seems very silly.

4. Karen and I always hold hands in public. We are not teenagers.

5. That's between you and him, but it sounds like he has a porn addiction

7. That is ridiculous. That raises a major red flag. Either he still shares his money with his ex wife, or he is just too lazy to take her name off. It is also very disrespectful to you.

woohoo ! go fuzzy

[mychelle 1]

1. I had difficulty expressing myself whenever I am with his family and friends...

2. I don't drink alcohol...

3. One time when were at the mall, there were so many people and he asked me to walk fast. He walked faster than me so I told him to wait.

4. He does not like holding hands on public...

5. On my 3rd month here, I saw my husband watching porn online...

7. He has this savings account with his wife name still on it.

6. That's all I could think of right now. In fairness, he is a good provider, very close to his family, and he is not physically abusive or verbally abusive.

1. I can relate to this. It was like that for me my first few months here and even though I am fluent in English...I was not use to conversing in it exclusively (I always spoke mixed English & Filipino) I wasn't especially fond of American Slang either. my English was straight from my English class.

One suggestiong: whenever someone will talk to you, just respond with a short answer and ask them a question right back, like "how about you?" just keep on doing that...and i'm sure a lot of his friends and family will like you even more because they'll think you're a good listener when in fact you're just too shy to speak. hehe...seriously though, ask your husband to be more understanding and to help you out on this one. tell him if the tables were turned and he had to interact with your friends and family in Filipino...how would he like that...being pressured to talk and stuff?

2. Just say "I don't drink...I'M ALLERGIC TO ALCOHOL"...works everytime!!! and if they ask, "what happens, do you breakout in hives?" say, "even worse...i go into anaphylactic shock" ...ok, to be simplier...say "i can actually die drinking it" (which is partly true...you did get sick for days!!!)

3. ahh...them Americans...always walking too fast. hehe...in the Philippines...we are so laid back...you'll never see people walking that fast...and if you do, you'll think they're weird or suspicious, perhaps trying to get away from someone. ask your husband to meet you halfway...have him walk half his speed and you try to walk twice as fast. ask him in jest...this is so petty. pick your battles...you have a few here that is worth the time. no offense.

4. well...you and 90% of women in the world are just "unlucky" to get a man who doesn't care much for PDA's or are not physically affectionate. it's not a guy thing, i suppose. i don't know...it depends on the person...so you're husband is not into that...it's a big deal for you...best is to tell him that. i don't know what else would be the best way to deal with this.

5. ahhh...women and porn. i don't know what to tell you but you can check out this thread on the OFF TOPIC portion...it's extensively discussed.

6. yeah maybe that one poster was right...it's more of a hassle to have her name removed than to keep it there...but then again...this is one of those things that is WORTH the hassle. something he'll do for you because you would like him too. ask him nicely...and then if he won't relent...ask yourself if it is worth battling over too. like i said, pick your battles...there are plenty.

7. there is only one thing to say...you and your husband MUST talk and listen to each other...i suggest to talk to him in a "masinsinan" way...like when it's just the two of you...after dinner...when your clearing the table...or when you're chillin' together...doing nothing. no arguments...no calling names...no putting each other down...no yelling...no crying...just plain old talking. you speak, he listens, he speaks, you ALSO listen. a marriage is not just about you...but from how you described it...the scale is tipped his way a lot more.

good luck!

[almaty 19]

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm x 2

[aries05 0]

Thank you so much for sharing your time with me. To answer your post.

1) If you don't trust him, then you really may need to consider finding some kind of marital counseling.

* I don't think my husband would consider marital counseling. He shuns away from any type of doctor, especially psychologist or counselors. My husband often tells me that our problem should stay between us and should not be disclosed to any member of our family, or even to friends. I somehow agree with this though. I never tell my family or friends about my situation because I don't want them to think bad of my husband. I know in my heart that we could still work this out. And when we do patch it up, I want my family and friends to see him as good person.

2)I'm not sure how old your husband is, but I don't think this is unusual for American men of a certain age and culture

* My husband is 10 years my senior

3) Let me echo the others who are recommending marital counseling. Your husband has been married before and may be retaining some of the same behaviors that doomed his previous marriage. Please stay strong and stand your ground.

* I truly believe in this. Because on his previous marriage, his wife seldom spent quality time with him and her children. She was often spending time with her friends( out of state vacation, drugs or drinking). For many years they were not intimate. This is probably the reason why he got hooked on porn. There were many occasions that he tend to say things to me as if I was his ex wife. I kept telling him many times that his ex and I are not the same person and never will be. I told him many times, too that I don't deserve to be treated with suspicion because I was not the one with a garbage from the past.

4) Aries05, can I have your email? I tried to send you a PM but it didn't work.

You can email me too if you want: hk_carol@hotmail.com

* I don't really know if it's a good idea for me to use my e-mail because my husband knows my e-mail password and has access to our computer. Last night he asked me if I was telling my family and friends about our problems because he saw me online. If he finds out that I am sending post here he might not like it and will get suspicious again. Thank you for your offer. I really appreciate it.

5) Smile can be a good way around your problem

* I love smiling and laughing. But really when my husband and I have differences, it's just hard to smile. Often my coping reaction from hurt or disappointment is to keep silent for a day to cool off, instead of screaming or arguing. Now, I think the other post was right. I should be more assertive, or maybe I should scream at him to scare him. He raise his voice to me whenever he needed to explain something. I often tell him not to raise his voice because I'm not deaf. But he kept insisting that it was not raising his voice, he was just making certain that I got his point.

6) You can label it "disrespect"; however, I'm more concerened about his "intentions" . The key question for me is.....does this guy want to hurt her, does he do these behaviours becuase he doesn't value her or disrespect her?

* I want to believe that my husbands intentions to me are good. He is really a good person minus his bad moods. When he feels good, he is totally very affectionate. He is often suspicious though, even there is no reason to. I dont even go out of the house except buy groceries, or when I'm with him. I don't have filipina friends in my area. I still have no job because I am waiting to get professional license. He never faile to support me with my education or my plans to work. He just tells me that I am not allowed to get friendly with guys or when I will eventually have friends at work, I will not be allowed to go to club with them. I think he says this because his ex used to do this. He is trying to keep me away from things that his wife did, which is understandable, I guess.

7) It wasn't MEANT to make me feel left out, but that's how you feel - plus it takes so long to construct a sentence, using the correct slang, that the whole conversation moved on like half an hour ago before you can put your contribution in.So you stay quiet and try and keep up just following the chat.

* I am very glad to see that I am not the only. I sometimes think that I'm so dumb. But I am really not. I guess not working for so long and being at home most of the time would make your confidence go downhill.

8)You and you hubby are supposed to be an equal couple..the 'us against the world' deal. Not 'don't embarrass me in front of my friends'. He should be going to bat FOR you, not using the bat ON you verbally.

* My husband often tells me this. That we are equal. That's why whenever we walked, and he walked fast, he often tells me to walk on the same pace because If I'm behind him it means I was his servant or below him, and when I walk ahead of him, that means I am taking the lead. He said we should walk side by side. I told him, that your legs are longer than yours. You need to slow down a bit for me, for me to be able to keep with your speed of walking.

9)But wondering.. Was he like this from the first few month? Did he expect you to adapt just like that since the first month? or did he just start saying those words (eg, you are not friendly, sociabe etc..) later on.

* Yes, it started even on my second week here. I'm not a crying baby. The only time that I cried was when my father died. But since I got here I could not count the number of times that he made me cry. The first time I cried was when he forgot the date of our first wedding. We had a civil wedding. Our wedding was done a week after the original date. I told him then that how could a man who profess he loves his fiancee so much and forgot his own wedding ceremony. His reason was he was so busy at work. When his family found out about it,he was scolded big time. He did apologize to me profusely. And I forgave him. That is why I am still here.

10) My point is that may be if he just starts puching you to be more friendly now, He might feel that 8 months is long enough for you to adapt (which is vary by person in my opnion..)

* Adjustment and coping mechanism takes a long time. Everyday there are changes and new things I go through. I am really taking time to learn how to speak english spontaneously. When I talk my friends or colleagues at work( when I was still working). I had no problem speaking english. It's just that american slang and idiomatic expressions is too broad. You approach words differently. I love it, though. My husband sometimes makes fun of my pronunciation. He would repeat it like as if teasing me. Whenever he do that, I speak my dialect. Only then he stops and ask me if I'm cursing him. I never curse him, nor even say bad things about him, nor say bad things to him even if I am already at the peak of my anger. I still hold my temper. Making certain that whatever comes out from my mouth won't lessen him as a man or disrespect him. Sometimes, I wonder maybe I am doing a wrong approach. Maybe I should just get loud and scream at him. Sighs. I never thought that living with a man could pose so many emotions.

11) Just say "I don't drink...I'M ALLERGIC TO ALCOHOL"...works everytime!!! ==

* I think I will try this approach next time. Thanks for the tips.

12) Yeah maybe that one poster was right...it's more of a hassle to have her name removed than to keep it there...

* I have given up about this already. I told him that when something bad happens to you( God forbid), I will give all your assets and your money to your ex wife. He did not like this because his ex wife ripped him off most of his assets during their divorce. I told him keeping your ex on your account will make you still vulnerable to her. If you don't care, I won't, too. He asked me many times if I'm jealous of his ex. I told him no, because I never do. I just worry about hiim that he will get ripped off again. I know, when I finally get my profession working here in the states, I could earn much higher salary than him. He knows this.

[CarolineM 0]

Call me the jerk here -b ut only spending time in person together twice...that's an issue.

Also really doesn't matter what any of us think, If YOU are unhappy...well...trust your gut

[Jaylen Brit 0]

Thank you so much for sharing your time with me. To answer your post.

7) It wasn't MEANT to make me feel left out, but that's how you feel - plus it takes so long to construct a sentence, using the correct slang, that the whole conversation moved on like half an hour ago before you can put your contribution in.So you stay quiet and try and keep up just following the chat.

* I am very glad to see that I am not the only. I sometimes think that I'm so dumb. But I am really not. I guess not working for so long and being at home most of the time would make your confidence go downhill.

You really AREN'T dumb! I know thats how it feels though - I used to feel like a stupid child after those pretty exhausting convos in Spanish! You really DO have to walk a mile in the other person's shoes though before you can see how hard it is for non-native English speakers. I have a hunch that you may speak English so well on a one-on-one situation with your husband that he finds it hard to understand why groups pose such an issue for you. It does help if you tell 'a group' 'excuse me if I don't say much but I'm not that confident with my spoken English so I have to listen extra carefully' This OUGHT to get them on your side immediately as it invokes sympathy. I used to do this, and often had relative strangers helping me out with the mad-fast Spanish talking. Its the SPEED thats the problem, not the language. I made some great goofs in my time, mixing up the word SMALL for the word KISS which caused much laughter - though I never felt it was directed AT me. Also you can't GET proficient if you don't TRY. I know its hard cos you hate feeling like an idiot (been there, lol) but if you preface the whole meeting with the 'not confident with spoken English' thing that might help and make you feel less like you're swimming uphill.

If your husband speaks your native language then it might be an idea to have him chat with YOUR relatives while they are firing slang at high speed so he can FEEL what its like. If that happens his point of view should change pretty swiftly.

[chri'stina 190]

Call me the jerk here -b ut only spending time in person together twice...that's an issue.

But on VJ there are many couples who only were around eachother once or twice before the visa interview (like Sujeet and I). Communication is also important whether its face to face or online or on the phone. Sujeet and I didn't find out any surprising habits about eachother, even though we were around each other once before he moved here. But we talked about every thing we do or don't do over the couple of years of communication.

Communication is also very important in a relationship so there aren't any big surprises. There will always be new things you learn about your spouse after marriage, the longer you know them, I'm not sure if we ever stop learning about each other. But there shouldn't be big surprises, or else someone lied about who they are or failed to provide that info at all. They should have known they would face the drinking/non-drinking issue. I know Sujeet and I definitely talked about all that stuff. (both of us non-drinkers) I'll say the opposite of what Mawilson said....I personally could never be with a drinker.

[Chuckles 0]

Call me the jerk here -b ut only spending time in person together twice...that's an issue.

Also really doesn't matter what any of us think, If YOU are unhappy...well...trust your gut

Perhaps Karo, but that is a western view of marriage. There are so many other cultures where marriage is arranged or is not 'conducted in the same manner' as it is here. Many of these people feel happy with this arrangement. Should we judge them? Perhaps we should, but its an interesting question.