Is it american thing or it's just me?

[aries05 0]

My post is to seek advice, enlightment, and suggestion.

I came to USA on K1 visa. We've been married for 8 months now. My husband was divorced when we have met. He was married for 23 years and had 3 kids but all are living from different states.

I love my husband very much and I do know that he loves me, too. But sometimes, I feel that he is insensitive of my feelings. Here are just some situations that I'm wondering if its my fault or he is just insensitive

1. My first few months in the states was difficult for me. I can write english very well, but speaking is kind of hard for me especially when I'm with a group ( like his family or friends). I had difficulty expressing myself whenever I am with his family and friends. Because they talk so fast or some topics that I don't know of. I cant count the numerous times that my husband complained to me that I am not being friendly to his family and friends. I am trying so. I can answer one question at a time when his friends and family ask me but with lengthy conversation I really have problem. I told him many times that I need to adjust first because its not my first language but keeps telling me that I am offending his family. I told him that you should understand me first because I'm new to your country. I realy like his family because they are so nice people, and I never snobbed them. I answer them nicely whenever they ask me. One question at a time, though. His family also have a hard time understanding my pronunciation. That is why I speak the words many times before I could be understood.

2. I don't drink alcohol. Never like the taste the firs time I tried it. Whenever we are with his friends, along with the wives, they drink alcohol a lot and wine. It's just amazes me that they drink it like water. When the wives offered me a drink, he often told me that I should drink it. I really tried drinking wine and beer but afterwards, I got sick for 3 days. He thinks that I was not being friendly again. A lot of occasions he feels that.

3. One time when were at the mall, there were so many people and he asked me to walk fast. He walked faster than me so I told him to wait. But I think he did not hear me good. So, I had to walk double time. He thought that I was already walking beside him and he started to talk but realize that I was still few steps away from him. When I reached him, he was upset and told me straight that I embarrased. I said that I did not mean to because he was walking too fast. I kept quiet because I did not want to argue.

4. He does not like holding hands on public. He said that only teenagers do that. I reasoned out to him people who love each other are not shy to hold hands. Its not like we are kissing on public. But in fairness, he is affectionate when we are alone. But I notice, Im always the one initiating the hugs or kissing, or caressing. He just reciprocate it after I do it. But for a day that I try to see if I will not hug or kiss him because I want to know if he will initiate it, he tells me that I'm not being affectionate.

5. On my 3rd month here, I saw my husband watching porn online. I asked him why is he watching it? he said it's just nothing. But I told him that Im not comfortable him watching porn because it makes me feel like he is seeking pleasure from the net, and makes me feel like I am not enough for him. After few days he did it again. I dont know how many times he does it. But 2 days ago, when I was looking for files for on " my documents" to look for a recipe, I saw a folder file, with lots of naked women pictures with sexy pose. I asked him right away why is he saving them. He said its nothing. It does not mean a thing. I told him that he hurts me. He said ok , do you like me to delete it? I told him even if you delete it now, you will put files again. We had this discussion before. I told him again about my feelings about it. And he said that I mean so much to him. Not the porn. He deleted it. Yesterday when I was taking a nap ( it was only like 3:00 pm) I woke up and saw him on computer looking at porn again. I told him calmly that he is looking at it again. All he said was yes. And continued watching it. I got up from bed and told him that I'm going to drive to the store and buy a bread. I was hurting so much. I felt like I could not trust him. When I came back he said he was sorry , and that he was only bored. I did not feel the sincerity of his apology. I felt so hurt because if he truly loves me he should not do things to hurt me especially since I told him already that hurt me.

7. He has this savings account with his wife name still on it. I asked him to remove her name on that account many times because he is not married to her anymore. But he kept telling me that its nothing. The his ex wife does not know about it. I told him that if he could put the name of his daughters instead, not his ex wife. I dont mind that. He does not need to put my name there. On his checking account, our names are on it. Im the one paying all the monthly bills using the check. Sometimes, I think thats why he put my name there.

6. That's all I could think of right now. In fairness, he is a good provider, very close to his family, and he is not physically abusive or verbally abusive.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

IMO, 1-3 are pretty common. Lots of foreign women come across as quiet and disinterested when in reality the problem is they can't communicate very well.

[PlatyPius 5]

Honestly?

He sounds like a bit of a control freak to me.

[TracyTN 237]

If you don't trust him, then you really may need to consider finding some kind of marital counseling, if he will agree. My experience is once the trust is gone, so is the relationship.

Just curious, but had you spent much time around each other in person before the marriage/visa process?

By the way, the thing about the bank account is probably ok. I know that to get my ex husband's name removed from my safety deposit box, the bank required me to get his signature on a form. Since I don't speak to him or see him, there was no way I could get that done, so it remains there to this day. If your husband has no contact with his ex, that may be why her name is still there.

I will have to deal with it at some point, though, for the sake of my (future) husband. I do know where my ex is and could ask him - I just didn't feel comfortable doing it a week after I had filed for divorce.

Edited June 12, 2006 by TracyTN

[incanada1234 0]

I'm sorry to tell you this but your hubby sounds like a jerk.

1. As long as you've explained to your husband exactly what you've just written, he should be understanding enough to consider your feelings. It's obvious that you aren't shunning his family.

2. I know how you feel. I don't drink either and I get so irritated when people try to push alcohol on me, as if I can't enjoy life without it. Your husband is not being kind by being upset with you for not drinking.

3. Could have just been a simple understanding. He could have been kinder about it though.

4. That's idiotic. People hold hands all the time, whether they're 15, 45, or 90 years old. That being said, not EVERYone likes to be affectionate in public. It just might not be his thing.

5. I wouldn't tolerate the porn. I just flat out would not tolerate it. You deserve more respect than that, especially since you've told him and he KNOWS it makes you uncomfortable and it hurts you.

And the last thing - it's rude of him to not take his ex-wife's name off the bank account. I really am sorry to be harsh towards him, but he really does sound totally inconsiderate.

I hope you guys can work things out but it sounds like he needs to make some major changes, especially to his attitude.

[Fuzzness 2]

1. he needs to learn patience. he also needs to remember that YOU are the one making an effort to learn his language, not the other way around

2. alcohol should NEVER be pushed on a person. IMO, if you politely say no thank you, there is nothing rude about that at all.

3. I don't understand that one at all. Seems very silly.

4. Karen and I always hold hands in public. We are not teenagers.

5. That's between you and him, but it sounds like he has a porn addiction

7. That is ridiculous. That raises a major red flag. Either he still shares his money with his ex wife, or he is just too lazy to take her name off. It is also very disrespectful to you.

[Garfield fan 0]

I can relate to some of your problems. My English is not bad, but it's the culture difference that makes me tend to be more quiet than usual. When I was around his family or friends and they start chit-chatting, I was a bit quiet, I just listened and not really said much, not because I wasn't interested in their conversation, but mostly because I didn't really know what to say. I was afraid that if I said something, it would make them mad or they would think I was weird, or something like that. But finally I overcame this situation by just saying what's in my mind and to my surprise, they like it. Maybe you are also a bit shy and not very comfortable with the culture here where people are more outspoken, but you will get used to it, and try to be more confident. Maybe you might want to consider taking some English class ?? You can also ask your husband to help your pronounciation, he is the one who spends longer time with you and he should get used to the way you say things, so he can point out your "mistakes" and correct you. From your end, try to be more active in conversation, if his family shoots a lot of questions at a time, tell them politely that you will try to answer one at a time. Try to talk more, it will help you improve your pronounciation.

I don't drink, and no one can force me to drink. I think you just need to be firm with that, if you don't and cannot drink (you mentioned it made you sick), tell your husband and his family and they should respect that. There is nothing wrong with not drinking, and it doesn't make you less friendly.

Re. #3, he was probably in a bad mood ??

#4: he is probably not a huggy-lovey-dovey type of guy, especially not in public. Some men are just like that. Nothing to worry. Besides, you said that he is very affectionate when you two are alone, so he might just doesn't like doing that in public.

#5. hummmm, maybe you two need some marriage counseling ?? If you already told him what you think about him seeing porn and he keeps doing that, maybe a third party will help.

Hope you guys can work things out !

[scumpi 0]

[aries05 0]

To all of you who replied, thank you very much for taking time to advice and give your opinion. It really helps me, especially at this time that I have no one to talk.

My husband and I had a 3 years long distance relationship before I got here. We have met twice in person and have spent a quality time together. He was my first and last boyfriend. Never had any relationship with any guy before him. But I never regretted it. I knew that when I met him in person that he was the one for me. I am beginning to think now that maybe I am just too blinded in love with him. He also says I love you to me, and even says many times that he loves me more, and that I could never find someone who would love me as much as he does. I truly believed in him because he is my husband. But after yesterday I felt that my I dont trust him completely anymore. I wish to forget what happened yesterday since he already said Im sorry, but a part of me keeps thinking of it. That he does not care enough to my feelings. I dont want to keep feeling this way because I dont want end up being unhappy.

[Ban Hammer 13,570]

oooh boy.

my thoughts

1 - they (relatives and him) should lighten up. you're not a parrot that speaks on command.

2 - if you chose not to drink alcohol that is your choice and he and others should respect that.

3 - mixed feelings on this one. miscommunication, or is he trying to control you? perhaps unfamiliarity with the speed at which you walk? i do think it was blown out of proportion by him though.

4 - nonsense. one does not have to be a teenager to hold hands. this one lumped with #3 sounds like controlling behavior.

5 - this one sounds like a time bomb. you two need to hash this one out soon. either he stops watching it (and i have to wonder if there is something else going on with such) or you watch it with him and perhaps he'll feel uncomfortable in that situation and cease such.

6 - the savings account one. bs - her name needs to be off of it. should something happen to him, guess who gets the money. he should close the account and reopen it if he can't get her name off of it. one way to tell if something unusual is going on is how much is in it?

7 - being a good provider does not mean one can ignore the requests and wishes of the other. overall, it sounds like controlling behavior and disrespect to me.

[jelti 0]

I could never find someone who would love me as much as he does.

This, and other things that you have said, worries me. You should not feel pressured to drink alcohol, you should not feel uncomfortable with his family because HE says you aren't social enough, and the walking ahead of you thing? Complete total DISRESPECT. My husband will not walk ahead of me, I will not walk ahead of my husband. We're a unit, we walk beside each other. It may seem petty...but to me, this is a big one. You two are equals and should be by each other's side.

And yes, he does seem to have a porn addiction. One that he will seek help to get rid of if he cares about your feelings enough.

To me, these are the very beginning signs of an abusive (not necessarily physically abusive) relationship. I truly think the two of you need to get to a marriage counselor asap.

Good luck, you're in my thoughts.

[raymaga 25]

My son's girlfriend is from the Phillipines and they have been dating for almost 2 years now. When we first met her, I was very concerned about how quiet and reserved she was. Over the last two years, we got to know her better, and she got to know us better, and she is definitely coming out of her shell. She is the most loving, caring, sensitive young woman I have ever known and we love her dearly. I think she was feeling shy and insecure when we first met her because it was during our big family Christmas celebration and she only knew my son. I think her cultural background was one of the reasons she was so quiet, but she knows we love and accept her, and so she can now feel comfortable with us. Hopefully, the same will happen for you once you get to know your husband's family and friends better.

Don't let anyone force you to drink alcohol if you don't want to. Be proud of the fact that you have made that decision for yourself and don't back down to anyone. You have the right to choose. Just state very firmly that you are not a drinker, but you would take a soda or a glass of water, etc. instead.

As far as the porn issue goes, I totally agree with how you feel and you should continue to try to explain your feelings to your husband. Tell him it makes you feel inadequate and that it takes away the trust you have in him, which is very important for a successful marriage.

I would not like it if my husband did not show me any affection in public. We are both very affectionate with each other, both at home while we're alone, and out in public. We don't "make out" or anything in front of people, but we hold hands at the mall or whenever we are walking together. Affection keeps a marriage "alive".

And, as far as the savings account goes, I totally agree that his wife's name should not be on the account. But, I also know that a joint account would require a signature from his ex-wife to either close the account completely or remove her name from the account. Maybe your husband does not want his ex-wife to be aware of the account because she could legally request half of it or could possibly refuse to sign to remove her name. If she isn't aware the account exists, your husband may feel that it is safer to just not mention it to her at all. You should ask him if it would be possible for him to get her name off the account.

Don't be afraid to assert yourself and make your needs and wants known. You are half of this relationship, and everything should be equal between you and your husband.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

[almaty 19]

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..

[Leasel7 1]

1. My first few months in the states was difficult for me. I can write english very well, but speaking is kind of hard for me especially when I'm with a group ( like his family or friends). I had difficulty expressing myself whenever I am with his family and friends. Because they talk so fast or some topics that I don't know of. I cant count the numerous times that my husband complained to me that I am not being friendly to his family and friends. I am trying so. I can answer one question at a time when his friends and family ask me but with lengthy conversation I really have problem. I told him many times that I need to adjust first because its not my first language but keeps telling me that I am offending his family. I told him that you should understand me first because I'm new to your country. I realy like his family because they are so nice people, and I never snobbed them. I answer them nicely whenever they ask me. One question at a time, though. His family also have a hard time understanding my pronunciation. That is why I speak the words many times before I could be understood.

My husband -- who lived in Hawaii for four years and speaks fluent English -- has had a similar experience. The first time he came to visit for 3 weeks, he was so quiet in social settings that some of my family and friends thought him to be unfriendly, when in fact he is quite the opposite. He says that in his culture when you visit the home of strangers or mere acquaintances, it is customary to be quiet, but I also think he had to adjust to a social setting (US east coast/south) that he was not accustomed to, so he was proceeding very cautiously. And lastly I think he found being the only non-white person in a social gathering (as is often the case for him) to be a bit awkward, but he is getting past that. I hope your husband can learn to be more considerate and try to imagine himself being in your situation, but ultimately this problem should solve itself as you become more comfortable in your new setting and gain confidence.

2. I don't drink alcohol. Never like the taste the firs time I tried it. Whenever we are with his friends, along with the wives, they drink alcohol a lot and wine. It's just amazes me that they drink it like water. When the wives offered me a drink, he often told me that I should drink it. I really tried drinking wine and beer but afterwards, I got sick for 3 days. He thinks that I was not being friendly again. A lot of occasions he feels that.

It is so wrong for your husband to push alcohol on you. I do not drink alcohol at all, and most of my friends are merely moderate drinkers, as is my husband. Being around people who are drinking heavily is awkward, but fortunately rarely necessary for me. For you and your husband, this is a significant difference in lifestyle. I hope you can be a good influence on him, and perhaps the two of you can form some new friendships with couples who take a more moderate approach to alcohol use. In the mean time, please stand your ground and don't allow him to mold you into something you are not. Perhaps some marital counseling would help him see declining to indulge in alcohol use does not equate to being unfriendly.

3. One time when were at the mall, there were so many people and he asked me to walk fast. He walked faster than me so I told him to wait. But I think he did not hear me good. So, I had to walk double time. He thought that I was already walking beside him and he started to talk but realize that I was still few steps away from him. When I reached him, he was upset and told me straight that I embarrased. I said that I did not mean to because he was walking too fast. I kept quiet because I did not want to argue.

I have experienced this with my husband along with other men, so I think it's just a man thing and a general lack of thoughtfulness. Hopefully now that it came up, maybe he'll take it into consideration the next time you're walking together and slow his pace down if you begin to lag behind instead of getting mad. (I have to confess that when a guy does this to me, I usually slow my pace down so much that he is forced to stop and wait for me. After that, usually he realizes he is walking too fast and slows down.)

4. He does not like holding hands on public. He said that only teenagers do that. I reasoned out to him people who love each other are not shy to hold hands. Its not like we are kissing on public. But in fairness, he is affectionate when we are alone. But I notice, Im always the one initiating the hugs or kissing, or caressing. He just reciprocate it after I do it. But for a day that I try to see if I will not hug or kiss him because I want to know if he will initiate it, he tells me that I'm not being affectionate.

I'm not sure how old your husband is, but I don't think this is unusual for American men of a certain age and culture. My father has never been particularly affectionate in public or otherwise; I think it is a function of how he was raised. I think younger American men are more likely to be affectionate in public.

5. On my 3rd month here, I saw my husband watching porn online. I asked him why is he watching it? he said it's just nothing. But I told him that Im not comfortable him watching porn because it makes me feel like he is seeking pleasure from the net, and makes me feel like I am not enough for him. After few days he did it again. I dont know how many times he does it. But 2 days ago, when I was looking for files for on " my documents" to look for a recipe, I saw a folder file, with lots of naked women pictures with sexy pose. I asked him right away why is he saving them. He said its nothing. It does not mean a thing. I told him that he hurts me. He said ok , do you like me to delete it? I told him even if you delete it now, you will put files again. We had this discussion before. I told him again about my feelings about it. And he said that I mean so much to him. Not the porn. He deleted it. Yesterday when I was taking a nap ( it was only like 3:00 pm) I woke up and saw him on computer looking at porn again. I told him calmly that he is looking at it again. All he said was yes. And continued watching it. I got up from bed and told him that I'm going to drive to the store and buy a bread. I was hurting so much. I felt like I could not trust him. When I came back he said he was sorry , and that he was only bored. I did not feel the sincerity of his apology. I felt so hurt because if he truly loves me he should not do things to hurt me especially since I told him already that hurt me.

After reading a longish Visa Journey thread on this topic, I know my views on this are in the minority...but I think what your husband is doing is completely unacceptable. If he loves and respects you, he needs to find some way to entertain himself beyond ogling pictures of naked women on the internet. Perhaps this is a hobby from his post divorce/single days that he hasn't let go of yet, but I find it troubling that he persists knowing that it hurts and upsets you, and didn't stop when caught in the act. Hopefully you are not dealing with a pornography addiction.

7. He has this savings account with his wife name still on it. I asked him to remove her name on that account many times because he is not married to her anymore. But he kept telling me that its nothing. The his ex wife does not know about it. I told him that if he could put the name of his daughters instead, not his ex wife. I dont mind that. He does not need to put my name there. On his checking account, our names are on it. Im the one paying all the monthly bills using the check. Sometimes, I think thats why he put my name there.

After reading 1-5, I think this is the least of your worries. As others have stated, I think your husband sounds inconsiderate and controlling. Instead of taking your wishes and needs into consideration, and respecting your personal morality and life choices, he is attempting to mold you into what he wants. I personally think trying to push you into drinking alcohol and condemning you for being "unfriendly" when you are still adjusting to a new culture and becoming comfortable conversing in another language is mildly abusive. Why isn't he explaining to his family that you are still adjusting and becoming comfortable with conversational English instead of heaping condemnation on you?

Let me echo the others who are recommending marital counseling. Your husband has been married before and may be retaining some of the same behaviors that doomed his previous marriage. Please stay strong and stand your ground.

Oh, and one last thing...

He also says I love you to me, and even says many times that he loves me more, and that I could never find someone who would love me as much as he does.

I wonder how your husband defines "love". Do you have a Bible in the house? If so, ask your husband to read I Corinthians 13...."Love is patient, love is kind" -- doesn't sound like you are experiencing a whole lot ot that kind of love.

[workin4somethin 0]

My post is to seek advice, enlightment, and suggestion.

I came to USA on K1 visa. We've been married for 8 months now. My husband was divorced when we have met. He was married for 23 years and had 3 kids but all are living from different states.

I love my husband very much and I do know that he loves me, too. But sometimes, I feel that he is insensitive of my feelings. Here are just some situations that I'm wondering if its my fault or he is just insensitive?

Aries05,

It must be really difficult to be in your position. It seems to me that your questions and concerns regarding your husband’s sensitivity are legitimate. Maybe you can present these six or seven items to your husband for his response. If my dear friend was in your situation, I would counsel her to seek help as soon as possible. You have now experienced your husband, his life and his character.

Perhaps there is a question to ask yourself: Is he the man you desire to love and to spend the rest of your life with?

I wish you the very best. By the way, I do not believe that it is “an American thing.”