How would you feel

[JeanneVictoria 55]

agreed we have had no problems (bad) in a long time and its been nice, takes effort to make the name and go after someone and for what reason? im done, i got way much more to consider this week

[childress_london 3]

The OP came here for support. I, for one, think we should give it to her. She merely asked how would you feel if your husband said those things. Then she has the heart enough to reveal more information about the relationship and people start slamming her. As for the trips, it looks like they both had already made plans for separate trips. Perhaps that was a sign already that the marriage was not going well. The point is, he's not happy, she's not happy, they both admitted it and we know he's done some things that would shock most of us. We are not in her shoes, so nobody has the right to judge. Having been in a bad marriage before, I can say that those outside looking in have NO clue on the misery you can be suffering, even if they think they know the "facts". Lost Pilgrim/Nutty you have my support. Pick yourself up and do what you need to do to keep your dignity.

[teenutty 0]

im not saying this to be mean or anything so dont take it that way but i remember a while back u said u are wanting to go overseas to live and ur still saying the same thing now. are u sure ur not wanting that more then to save ur marriage? maybe it is in ur mind to go back over there and ur looking for reasons to go. maybe ur priority isnt in ur marriage.

You said it best Donna. At this time I think it's more of a justification on her part to leave. I'm sorry

she couldn't work things out. If one wants a marriage to work, they don't plan for a leave of

absence. I know Nutty will say "well my husband wanted to go back", but perhaps it is because he misses his home country as most MENA men do, But in time their SO helps them to try to adjust with patience, not running off coz things aren't going their way. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but somewhere lurking are sink holes.

As someone said, there are always two sides to a story.

Yes, there are always two sides to the story. I think we all know this.

I think what motivates me to "move on" is that in my past marriage I stayed years longer in it than I should have. I was the one who tried to make things work for a long time in my first marriage. It didn't. We divorced. (Now that we have both moved on, my ex-husband readily admits his mistakes)

So with that experience under my belt, my mindset has changed. Yes, I will work at the marriage, to be flexible. However, if it is only me who is expected to change and compromise with no compromise/change in attitude coming from the other side, it is unfair. Also, I do subscribe to the school of thought, "if the marriage won't work, the worst thing you can do is stay longer than you should."

As for the travelling.....my original intention was not to leave for so many months. Initially, it would have been for 2 months max. But as things got worse and worse, the trip became longer and longer. Why not? Give some real time apart to evaulate our own actions and how they affect each other. Make each of us appreciate the other a little (absense makes the heart grow fonder as they say).

My husband has an "enlightened" attitude towards marital independence. He said he has no problem with me going away for a month or two and expects me to accept the same of him. And I have.....I know he is not a filanderer and he knows I am not one either.

[teenutty 0]

Thank you!!!

As a reminder, I came to this board because all of you are dealing with foreign spouses. So there is a bond between all of us for that reason. Sometimes it is hard to understand why our spouses do what they do. There are cultural differences and we have to learn how to nagivate those differences. We turn to each other for advice - and to share our troubles to.

I can't say what will happen. Maybe there is too much water under the bridge for me. A lot has changed and so have my feelings. Where we are different in culture, is that my husband firmly believes in marriage for life (even if the two don't get along). While in my culture, legal seperation and divorce are options.

My husband refused counseling and tries to pretend nothing has happened. He does not feel the need to change his behaviors or compromise.

With that in mind, a legal seperation (which allows reconciliation) and a long trip might make him realize the err of his ways.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

good luck to you everyone has opinions but u do as you see fit