How would you feel

[faryan 4]

Im not sure re cultural differences being that im not from the region, but I'd say that after you tell him that he can keep the GC even if divorce and him saying not to rush after divorce, there's still hope there to fight for the relationship. I've just been married for less than a year, and we're just doing the LDR for now, but witnessing my parents' marriage, it sure look like you've got to put in a lotttt of work. and this even when they knew each other from high school, married for 32 years. Im pretty sure there are times when really bad things have been said (i was there), a lot of drama, but they also love each other fiercely, so when the feeling heals or is endurable, they get back at working on it.. One thing ive learnt from their tempestuous relationship, they never give up on each other. if one sliding away, the other must work to pull that person back in (and thus put his/her own sadness re the situation on hold for a bit).. you've got to give it some more time. I would also stop pushing divorce if inside your heart it is not what you truly want and you are just putting it out there to see if he wants it. Give it time... I'm sorry for your heartache, keep strong sister..

Yes, it has been a rough time. Remember when I wanted to take a temp job (no health insurance though) starting January 19 with the accounting firm....

Well, while I was still with the bankruptcy firm (which has health insurance)I went in for a physical and found I had some kidney problems. I asked a few times to my husband about "letting me see his medical insurance papers" so that I continue medical coverage (I would pay the premiums) under his employer sponsored medical plan. Three times he ignored my request. The 4th time he said, "why should I considering how you have behaved over the past 6 months?" (TRANSLATION, NO).

I was shocked and deeply hurt. I called my friend Wendy (from the accounting firm that offer the job) and told her what had happened and that I could not go to their company as agreed because of this unforseen medical problem and inability to get signed onto my husbands insurance.

Then, my husband gave me his medical papers, but not with an open heart.

By then I lost the job I wanted. So I am still with the bankruptcy firm.

Oh my...

[Sandrila 1]

I really wonder if men from MENA even know about "counseling"

or if they think it is something rational.

some people, even those americans from way back when have dissed counseling

simply because they dont need someone getting into their heads or telling them

what is wrong with them. "problems?" I dont have any problems

it hurts to hear the truth but seriously we all know the counseling saves lives and marriages

however I dont know how open of a resource that is for MENA

there are even plenty of American men who are too macho to seek counseling

just wondering

[Lost pilgrim 0]

Yes, it has been a rough time. Remember when I wanted to take a temp job (no health insurance though) starting January 19 with the accounting firm....

Well, while I was still with the bankruptcy firm (which has health insurance)I went in for a physical and found I had some kidney problems. I asked a few times to my husband about "letting me see his medical insurance papers" so that I continue medical coverage (I would pay the premiums) under his employer sponsored medical plan. Three times he ignored my request. The 4th time he said, "why should I considering how you have behaved over the past 6 months?" (TRANSLATION, NO).

I was shocked and deeply hurt. I called my friend Wendy (from the accounting firm that offer the job) and told her what had happened and that I could not go to their company as agreed because of this unforseen medical problem and inability to get signed onto my husbands insurance.

Then, my husband gave me his medical papers, but not with an open heart.

By then I lost the job I wanted. So I am still with the bankruptcy firm.

Wow. I'm speechless, truly. I hate to see a marriage breakup without trying but seriously he's had issues since before he came here right? Have you tried counseling?

He won't go for counseling.

We are silent with each other.

At this point I am:

Preparing seperation papers

Waiting for his W-2 to do our taxes jointly (for a bigger refund)

Going to put his name on the lease

Get this kidney thing resolved

Work maybe 3 1/2 months more here at the bankruptcy firm (timing this to avoid the sweltering heat in India before the monsoon)

then leave for Thailand for one month and then onto India for another 6.

[nu7015 0]

I really wonder if men from MENA even know about "counseling"

or if they think it is something rational.

some people, even those americans from way back when have dissed counseling

simply because they dont need someone getting into their heads or telling them

what is wrong with them. "problems?" I dont have any problems

it hurts to hear the truth but seriously we all know the counseling saves lives and marriages

however I dont know how open of a resource that is for MENA

there are even plenty of American men who are too macho to seek counseling

just wondering

My husband who was against counseling/anti-depressants before coming here, has changed his thoughts on this when I asked him to go to counseling with me. I first asked him to go at least 2 times and he ended up feeling relieved when we went, we ended up going for several months together and it helped us A LOT. He was also diagnosed with depression a few months ago by his Dr. and has even opened up to taking medicine. I didn't think I'd be able to say any of this a couple of years ago!

Lost Pilgrim, my heart goes out to you. I hope that you are able to find peace soon.

[Sandrila 1]

Nutty

do you really receive more refund for filing jointly?? this is what my accountant friend said.

My SO didnt work last year at all and was not with me till NOV 08

India? Thailand??? omg

I had been in India but not during the monsoon...thank god

but I would love to be able to travel like that and to such exotic places

so does that mean you are going for work and going to be away from your SO during this time??

I have been doing everything one step at a time for SO

SS card, job (thank you GOD!) and soon his state ID/driver's license

It is scary to make such permanent steps not knowing deep down if there will be success.

with all the people out there on antidepressants...I would not be surprised if my darling wouldnt benefit from them

Edited January 21, 2009 by sandrila

[Lost pilgrim 0]

Nutty

do you really receive more refund for filing jointly?? this is what my accountant friend said.

My SO didnt work last year at all and was not with me till NOV 08

India? Thailand??? omg

I had been in India but not during the monsoon...thank god

but I would love to be able to travel like that and to such exotic places

so does that mean you are going for work and going to be away from your SO during this time??

I have been doing everything one step at a time for SO

SS card, job (thank you GOD!) and soon his state ID/driver's license

It is scary to make such permanent steps not knowing deep down if there will be success.

with all the people out there on antidepressants...I would not be surprised if my darling wouldnt benefit from them

Yes, our conbine 2008 income is very low since he did not start working here in USA until October. So we would get more of a refund on the taxes paid.

When I leave for Asia it will not be for work, I will not work for 7 months.

[HLM 1]

Honestly; if he wanted to work on the marraige; he wd ve a long time ago.... so i dont know what does he want more of u!?

[childress_london 3]

We are both not happy now. We argue a lot.

So we had a nice, calm discussion a few weeks ago when walking through the Forest. We were talking about the option of seperating. He totally unhappy with me now. And I am totally unhappy with him. I said, "in Iran I was 95% happy with you and our relationship. Sure, I had problems there. But it was adjusting the the rules and the family pressence/lack of privacy." He said, "well, I was only 50% happy with you then."

I was shocked. What would be considered our "golden time" the first months of really living together he was never really happy with me. Only partially happy. I later asked his if this was really true and he said yes.

It has really broken my heart by this. To think that he has never truely been happy with me. Only a little happy.

How would you feel if your husband said this to you?

I would be very hurt, of course, if my husband said this to me. I'm sure he continued in the relationship in hopes that things would improve. I think it's unrealistic to expect to be 100% "happy" in a marriage anyway. We are all human and have our ups and downs. The question should be, do you still love each other enough to try? What needs to be addressed is WHY he is not happy, WHY are you not happy, and WHAT can you do to improve those things? Maybe you should try counseling first?

There are so many things my husband points out as "cultural differences." However, I don't believe his excuses based on "culture" but rather, think these are his INDIVIDUAL MISCONCEPTIONS.

Sometimes I wonder when we meet other Iranians, if they think he is strange.

My husband tries to model himself after sufi behaviour. Tell this to your fiance/husband. It might explain a lot.

And my husband has refused counseling.

Sufi behavior? I'll have to ask SO about that one. As far as wondering if other Iranians thinks he is strange, I wonder that about mine too. But, he avoids other Iranians, so I'll never know. :-P

[childress_london 3]

Yes, it has been a rough time. Remember when I wanted to take a temp job (no health insurance though) starting January 19 with the accounting firm....

Well, while I was still with the bankruptcy firm (which has health insurance)I went in for a physical and found I had some kidney problems. I asked a few times to my husband about "letting me see his medical insurance papers" so that I continue medical coverage (I would pay the premiums) under his employer sponsored medical plan. Three times he ignored my request. The 4th time he said, "why should I considering how you have behaved over the past 6 months?" (TRANSLATION, NO).

I was shocked and deeply hurt. I called my friend Wendy (from the accounting firm that offer the job) and told her what had happened and that I could not go to their company as agreed because of this unforseen medical problem and inability to get signed onto my husbands insurance.

Then, my husband gave me his medical papers, but not with an open heart.

By then I lost the job I wanted. So I am still with the bankruptcy firm.

Typical Iranian male response. I think they all think they are Daddy or something. But seriously, to deny you medical insurance when you are sick is unforgivable. Obstinance is one thing, not showing care about your health is totally another. That is childish, immature, cruel...how many adjectives can I come up with to describe this behavior?

[Der Bücherwurm 1]

I think the more modern and less religious Iranians would think your husband is a bit off. telling you he was only half-way happy with you in Iran says it all. Denying you healthcare insurance is just crazy. Separation, then running off to Thailand/India sounds like the perfect solution for you.

[Kamaboko 0]

I think the more modern and less religious Iranians would think your husband is a bit off. telling you he was only half-way happy with you in Iran says it all. Denying you healthcare insurance is just crazy. Separation, then running off to Thailand/India sounds like the perfect solution for you.

So Tina, are you going to just vacation and clear up your mind in India and Thailand for seven months? What's the next plan?

My heart goes out for you

[Staashi 371]

I think the more modern and less religious Iranians would think your husband is a bit off. telling you he was only half-way happy with you in Iran says it all. Denying you healthcare insurance is just crazy. Separation, then running off to Thailand/India sounds like the perfect solution for you.

PS - that ####### about denying you healthcare insurance just blows my mind. He knows you have a serious medical condition and he doesn't want you to have treatment. You don't play with kidneys and for him to talk about how you've acted for the last 6 months would make me furious. I would probably go a little crazy, make that alot crazy.

[Sandrila 1]

I am curious

do you have friends in Asia that will take you in?

Sounds like I dream

It has been 3 years since I have been there and I miss it alot!

any room in your suitcase for me

[caybee 21]

Yes, it has been a rough time. Remember when I wanted to take a temp job (no health insurance though) starting January 19 with the accounting firm....

Well, while I was still with the bankruptcy firm (which has health insurance)I went in for a physical and found I had some kidney problems. I asked a few times to my husband about "letting me see his medical insurance papers" so that I continue medical coverage (I would pay the premiums) under his employer sponsored medical plan. Three times he ignored my request. The 4th time he said, "why should I considering how you have behaved over the past 6 months?" (TRANSLATION, NO).

I was shocked and deeply hurt. I called my friend Wendy (from the accounting firm that offer the job) and told her what had happened and that I could not go to their company as agreed because of this unforseen medical problem and inability to get signed onto my husbands insurance.

Then, my husband gave me his medical papers, but not with an open heart.

By then I lost the job I wanted. So I am still with the bankruptcy firm.

Typical Iranian male response. I think they all think they are Daddy or something. But seriously, to deny you medical insurance when you are sick is unforgivable. Obstinance is one thing, not showing care about your health is totally another. That is childish, immature, cruel...how many adjectives can I come up with to describe this behavior?

Abusive. I know it takes a while to understand what insurance means for us here, but there's no excuse for this.

[teenutty 0]

He has been against counseling here in the US.

However, in Iran, the few times we did argue (over small stuff) his mother pulled him aside and set him straight. Nobody is here to do that now.