How would you feel

[childress_london 3]

We are both not happy now. We argue a lot.

So we had a nice, calm discussion a few weeks ago when walking through the Forest. We were talking about the option of seperating. He totally unhappy with me now. And I am totally unhappy with him. I said, "in Iran I was 95% happy with you and our relationship. Sure, I had problems there. But it was adjusting the the rules and the family pressence/lack of privacy." He said, "well, I was only 50% happy with you then."

I was shocked. What would be considered our "golden time" the first months of really living together he was never really happy with me. Only partially happy. I later asked his if this was really true and he said yes.

It has really broken my heart by this. To think that he has never truely been happy with me. Only a little happy.

How would you feel if your husband said this to you?

I would be very hurt, of course, if my husband said this to me. I'm sure he continued in the relationship in hopes that things would improve. I think it's unrealistic to expect to be 100% "happy" in a marriage anyway. We are all human and have our ups and downs. The question should be, do you still love each other enough to try? What needs to be addressed is WHY he is not happy, WHY are you not happy, and WHAT can you do to improve those things? Maybe you should try counseling first?

[UmmSqueakster 54]

The husband and I have said things like that to each other. If you're not happy, you've got to be honest, put it all out there, and then work from there to improve. It's that last part, working to improve, that makes statements like this a healthy part of a reflection on a relationship. If that's not there, then it's just complaining.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Sister Nutty ---- I have no wise words, just luvz and prayers

[Lost pilgrim 0]

Tina, I don't want to go there, but do you think it was for a greencard since he came over on a CR1?

Well, I told him he has his greencard now and he can keep it. Even if we get a divorce. After I said this a few times, he still said, "don't rush for divorcing yet." So I am not sure anymore.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Tina, I don't want to go there, but do you think it was for a greencard since he came over on a CR1?

Well, I told him he has his greencard now and he can keep it. Even if we get a divorce. After I said this a few times, he still said, "don't rush for divorcing yet." So I am not sure anymore.

It doesnt sound like that was his intent. From everything you have posted, he does not want to give up just yet. Sure he is saying stupid Sh!t, but he's not running away.

isa

[Lost pilgrim 0]

Nutty,

I'm very sorry to hear that. But sometimes people say very stupid things out of anger. As Charles said, why did he come here to even try if he was that unhappy. He's being immature and ignorant but I wonder if its just his stress of adjusting causing him to say these things.

I wish you the best

Nawal

Agree with this one. Although it does not make it right what he said to you, he can be saying that out of anger. Did you ask what made him only 50% happy back then? And why he never told you about it? I'd be hurt & curious both at the same time.

When I was fighting with my wife, I was really angry, and I told her that I was the King of England.......but I really didn't mean it.

The problem is we were not arguing when he said that. It was a calm discussion.

[anitacastillo 0]

I would be hurt.

Sorry your reunion in the US has been so rocky.

[Lost pilgrim 0]

Sorry about the edit,but I sent you a PM.

I don't see your PM yet.

[Staashi 371]

Tina, I don't want to go there, but do you think it was for a greencard since he came over on a CR1?

Well, I told him he has his greencard now and he can keep it. Even if we get a divorce. After I said this a few times, he still said, "don't rush for divorcing yet." So I am not sure anymore.

Tina, this must be so crazy on you. (((((((((((((Tina)))))))))))))))))

[Lost pilgrim 0]

We are both not happy now. We argue a lot.

So we had a nice, calm discussion a few weeks ago when walking through the Forest. We were talking about the option of seperating. He totally unhappy with me now. And I am totally unhappy with him. I said, "in Iran I was 95% happy with you and our relationship. Sure, I had problems there. But it was adjusting the the rules and the family pressence/lack of privacy." He said, "well, I was only 50% happy with you then."

I was shocked. What would be considered our "golden time" the first months of really living together he was never really happy with me. Only partially happy. I later asked his if this was really true and he said yes.

It has really broken my heart by this. To think that he has never truely been happy with me. Only a little happy.

How would you feel if your husband said this to you?

I would be very hurt, of course, if my husband said this to me. I'm sure he continued in the relationship in hopes that things would improve. I think it's unrealistic to expect to be 100% "happy" in a marriage anyway. We are all human and have our ups and downs. The question should be, do you still love each other enough to try? What needs to be addressed is WHY he is not happy, WHY are you not happy, and WHAT can you do to improve those things? Maybe you should try counseling first?

There are so many things my husband points out as "cultural differences." However, I don't believe his excuses based on "culture" but rather, think these are his INDIVIDUAL MISCONCEPTIONS.

Sometimes I wonder when we meet other Iranians, if they think he is strange.

My husband tries to model himself after sufi behaviour. Tell this to your fiance/husband. It might explain a lot.

And my husband has refused counseling.

[Lost pilgrim 0]

Something is wrong with my inbox.

[Sandrila 1]

Without even reading the rest of the responses I want to offer you some encouragement.

I too have been going thru a difficult adjustment, for different reasons. It is very different living with

someone on vacation in their territory and then living as a married couple over here in the "real" world.

I was elated for him to come but I have to admit it has not been as easy as I thought.

Some will call it culture shock but I think no matter if have an "american" relationship or not, relationships

are WORK. Also our relationships are different in a sense that there are many things that make it more

challenging from the get go....like religion and culture, however no one can ever determine, in any commitment, whether it is going to work out or not. You work hard, pray and hope for the best.

It is a mistake to think you can make your partner change or if things continue on a certain path for too long

that they will change.

Good Luck, I hope you find the strength to get thru your rough patch.

I just want you to know you are not alone

true people say things they dont mean or dont really wanna say out of anger BUT

if the SO is continually hurtful with words and threats it is only natural to lash out

and/or respond accordingly.

Edited January 21, 2009 by sandrila

[Lost pilgrim 0]

Yes, it has been a rough time. Remember when I wanted to take a temp job (no health insurance though) starting January 19 with the accounting firm....

Well, while I was still with the bankruptcy firm (which has health insurance)I went in for a physical and found I had some kidney problems. I asked a few times to my husband about "letting me see his medical insurance papers" so that I continue medical coverage (I would pay the premiums) under his employer sponsored medical plan. Three times he ignored my request. The 4th time he said, "why should I considering how you have behaved over the past 6 months?" (TRANSLATION, NO).

I was shocked and deeply hurt. I called my friend Wendy (from the accounting firm that offer the job) and told her what had happened and that I could not go to their company as agreed because of this unforseen medical problem and inability to get signed onto my husbands insurance.

Then, my husband gave me his medical papers, but not with an open heart.

By then I lost the job I wanted. So I am still with the bankruptcy firm.

[Sandrila 1]

I can imagine your upset Nutty.

It is hard for me to come here and say what I have but I need to associate with others going thru the same thing.

Sometimes I cant believe the audacity of people...even those we love with all our hearts

[doodlebugg 10]

Yes, it has been a rough time. Remember when I wanted to take a temp job (no health insurance though) starting January 19 with the accounting firm....

Well, while I was still with the bankruptcy firm (which has health insurance)I went in for a physical and found I had some kidney problems. I asked a few times to my husband about "letting me see his medical insurance papers" so that I continue medical coverage (I would pay the premiums) under his employer sponsored medical plan. Three times he ignored my request. The 4th time he said, "why should I considering how you have behaved over the past 6 months?" (TRANSLATION, NO).

I was shocked and deeply hurt. I called my friend Wendy (from the accounting firm that offer the job) and told her what had happened and that I could not go to their company as agreed because of this unforseen medical problem and inability to get signed onto my husbands insurance.

Then, my husband gave me his medical papers, but not with an open heart.

By then I lost the job I wanted. So I am still with the bankruptcy firm.

Wow. I'm speechless, truly. I hate to see a marriage breakup without trying but seriously he's had issues since before he came here right? Have you tried counseling?