Fiance Relationship Issues

[Karen_L 1]

I don't find it hard to believe that people really fall in love. What I find hard to believe is that one of the reasons why immigrants fall in love with American citizens is NOT a Green Card!

If America isn't the only destination for lovers and love is such a powerful thing to you; why then not move to the Phillipines and live with your fiancee instead? Perhaps she wants you over there b/c she thinks the same way you do!

Well, speaking personally, *I wouldn't want* to live in my fiance's home country. He's currently attending school in Italy and we've considered living there together, however. Love is extremely important, but there's also the issue of praticality and opportunities for ME (the USC) as well as for him. I would love to visit his home country, I would even visit for weeks at a time, but I don't think living there is an option. His dad DID suggest I move to Albania, however ("Bring your fiancee here to live!")

I think everyone who ever met someone abroad and fell in love and is applying for a visa for them has been met with the "Dotcha think s/he's just using you for a greencard!?!?" question. It's a good question and it's worth considering and you're right that it DOES happen, BUT eventually you have to decide whether to take the risk and trust your boyfriend/girlfriend or end the relationship out of fear of being taken advantage of. My fiance' has never asked me for money or anything. I've only given him gifts on appropriate gift-giving occasions, like Christmas and birthdays, when he would also give me something. He's also never pressured me into anything -- accepting his proposal, applying for the visa, etc. were all *MY* decisions based on our relationship. I am not an "emotional woman," and I think I made my choices based on solid evidence that we've been together quite harmoniously for quite a while and that he IS a good guy and that his feelings for me are genuine. If he's being honest or if he's not... from where I stand right now and how I feel about him now, I *HAVE TO* take the plunge and bring him here because I would never forgive myself if I didn't take that chance.

-- Karen

[Caladan 19]

It's never come up. If someone's thought my boyfriend is using me for a green card, they've had the decency to keep it to themselves, because that's a really asinine thing to say to someone. It's like saying that all American men looking on the Internet for foreign women are doing so because they just want someone servile who won't challenge them because they're not man enough to ask out an independent American woman. Insulting, and false, in both cases.

Besides, in our case, it's because we've decided as a couple to follow my career for a while. It's a huge sacrifice for him to come here, as he'll be giving up a lucrative job. Canada would be the smarter choice, probably.

And the U.S. has free health care? You mean this massive debate we've been having about universal health care has been a waste of time because we already had it?

[thesnowman 1]

I think assuming that someone is just after a green card shows the arogance of some USC. Of course it happens, but most people in other countries are very happy with the culture and there standard of living and for them to move to America is a huge leap of faith and they deserve better than to be automatically accused of just being after a greencard.

[Together4ever 1]

I think assuming that someone is just after a green card shows the arogance of some USC. Of course it happens, but most people in other countries are very happy with the culture and there standard of living and for them to move to America is a huge leap of faith and they deserve better than to be automatically accused of just being after a greencard.

Thank you! Well stated. I am one who is sick of the insinuations and assumptions that other people make about my relationship with my fiance. It is hard to bear up under sometimes. A few bad apples along the way sure have made up a lot of minds. It's just a shame.

[Karen_L 1]

I think assuming that someone is just after a green card shows the arogance of some USC. Of course it happens, but most people in other countries are very happy with the culture and there standard of living and for them to move to America is a huge leap of faith and they deserve better than to be automatically accused of just being after a greencard.

You're completely right! So many USCs believe that the only acceptable living standard on earth is here (and in Northern Europe and Canada, possibly) when, in fact, many immigrants believe that while job opporunities are (much) better here in the US, LIFESTYLE is better in the home country. I think my fiance' is sacrificing/risking a lot more to come here than I am to bring him here and ultimately, if he didn't like it here, I WOULD be willing to relocate to Europe.

[amyandluis 0]

I know we're beating a dead horse here, but it's true that so many cases, the foreign fiance is sacrificing more than they are gaining to move to the US.

Luis worked for Pemex in Mexico (the government run oil company), which paid him competitive wages (the same the oil guys in the US make) in a country with a low cost of living. In other words, he was living VERY comfortably. When we got the visa and he moved here, he worked for seven months with a landscaping company, making minimum wage, shoveling snow at 2am, and we were living off my salary. Which was fine, but many a time we talked about where we would be at financially had we stayed in Mexico. Fortunately, Luis was blessed to have had a college education and recently got a great job at the local Spanish newsstation.

But so many of us are just like any other USC/USC couple. We do what we have to to get started and get by, and then just catch breaks as we can along the way. Let's stay away from generalizations and just help each other along and wish each other well on our journeys... which is what this website is for to start with...

[teukros 0]

Last August I was completely in my own world when I received a phone call from Alex, my friend and classmate from my Nursing School class. He told me that I might get an email in the next couple of days which was a complete surprise to me, totally unanticipated. He had been in a Russian chat room, not looking for romance, he is happily married. He had met Diana there, she had been inspired by Sex and the City reruns to find someone in New York she could chat with.

Diana works in the Oil Industry and had previously met Texans, she thought all Americans were like that. Alex suggested to her that she email me so she did. We started chatting with MS Messenger and fell in love.

She sure didn't want to move to the USA. She tried to talk me into moving to Russia. But I'm trying to get my nursing career off the ground and with her education and experience she should be able to find a good job here in the City. We're both hoping!

[nane1104 146]

I can totally relate. So far, I have been doing the whole work and thinking and figuring things out.

Well, someone said it before, he trusts me and so far we did fine and everything was fine, but it upsets me sometimes, that he doesn't show any interest or initiative to help me.

He supports me, and with rolling eyes and a lot of sighing and complaining of how much work it is, he does what I tell him to do (can't it always be like that? hihihi)

We had a couple argues about it because I was told I was stressing over "nothing" and he promised he would get more into it and gather some info too, but to be blunt, he doesn't know ######. lol but gets unpatient when things just take time.

Have you told your fiancee how you feel about this situation? I could imagine, she doesn't even see that you are stressing out so much.

I think, this whole visa process is a rough time and takes a lot out of you, I don't know, but I think she should support you more and be a little bit more understanding of what is going on.

[skemper19 0]

I have had a different experience than most of you. I am fortunate enough to have a fiance who WANTS me to go over every detail with him and has been there with me through everything, which I am so thankful for!!!!!

[Wrenly 0]

My bf and I just had a huge conversation today about when we even want to start this whole process. Men and women really do think so differently. I've been reading vj everday and learning all I can and waiting for him to ask more about it but he didn't...just talked about how wonderful it would be when we got to be together...

So I end up sending him this email which probably came off really snotty and along the lines of "well here's what *I WANT* so there NER Deal with THAT." But at least it did start off a conversation about timelines and which country would be best for the both of us. We'd nibbled around the topic before but this time we got down and dirty...er...so to speak. He thinks we both have a better shot here...we still have a lot more things to get through before I download that I129F, but I'm quite sure of getting there soon. (Probably a good thing, since the new form hasn't come out yet anyway.)

I think the most important thing is to JUST KEEP TALKING. And talking. And talking. Most everyone has been burnt, but you can't let that make you not trust a word the person you love is saying!

[Nik 0]

I too understand this. My fiance tries very hard to understand everything, but the delays are dreadful to her. She wants us to be together and spending time together, and the phone and internet at times make the seperation almost worse for her, as she then thinks about what we would be doing if the two of us where together.

As to the previous poster mentioning the greencard, in our situation at least, I was going to move to Peru initially. Then I was offered a job that I could not pass up. Now that it looks like it is going to be a permanent position, it is the only reason she is coming to the US. We are actually planning in 6 to 10 year timeframe to relocate back to Peru.

Hang in there, and remember, you are a man, who tends to often think in facts and very logic based patterns, you are dealing with a woman who tends to often think first with emotion, and here the greatest emotion is the seperation from the person she loves....

Oh my goodness,

I am so happy that you wrote this, I thought I was the only one. My finace only knows what I tell him, we just has a tiff about it last week. I feel like I am doing all the work, he is happy to listen, but he doesn't take much initiative. He thinks that since I am here, I should take care of it all - and it does upset me. When I need to talk about it and get his idea's, thoughts, etc.. - nothing!

So now I feel like I have been too hard on him.

[eclowjpd 0]

Here is the part that would concern me " doesnt show any sign of trying to understand it.", you said regarding your fiancee and her understanding of the process. She will have to prepare her paperwork for the consulate or embassy, the medical, the police check, prepare for her interview etc. She will need to become interested enough to do this and understand that it is necessary for you to be together.

But yes, the waiting makes one insane.

Good luck.

[seldi 1]

Boy can I relate...and having to spend around $1000 for plane tickets everytime you want to visit doesn't REALLY adds up when you got a million other bills to take care of.

[nane1104 146]

Here is the part that would concern me " doesnt show any sign of trying to understand it.", you said regarding your fiancee and her understanding of the process. She will have to prepare her paperwork for the consulate or embassy, the medical, the police check, prepare for her interview etc. She will need to become interested enough to do this and understand that it is necessary for you to be together.

But yes, the waiting makes one insane.

Good luck.

Yea, you are right on that. Sooner or later she will have to get very involved in this and the sooner she will start to learn a little about it, the easier it will be.

On the other hand...when Iwent to the medical, I talked to this lady and she didn't even know, what KIND of visa she was getting, her hubby did everything for her (so I assumed it is the K3...he was in the States, she in Germany).

So I guess you can get away with being not interested, but is it healthy? I mean, come on, it is HER visa...I dunno...

[zed2283 1]

I can relate too. Even after we knew the interview date (which was a month away at that time) she still wanted me to come see her because she couldn't wait anymore (it had been four months since we'd seen each other and you'd have thought she was going to keel over dead).

I tried very hard to explain to her the financial side of things (I had been to visit her four times last year) and that money doesn't grow on trees. But she's young and until you've worked, earned money, and paid bills, you really don't have a good idea of it's "value" (I didn't, anyway). Let's just say it caused a fair amount of tension over the course of our relationship.

Anyway, since she's been here (a week and a half now) I've tried to explain the finances to her, show her this is how much money we've spent, this is how much money I owe the credit card people for visiting Colombia five times in the last 15 months, and this is how much we have for the rest of the month. It's going to be slow going, I think, but we'll get there.

All that said, I would definitely start to shift the financial burden away from you. She needs to learn sometime, and you being her sugar daddy isn't going to get you there anytime soon.

And oh yeah (edit starts here) she didn't have a clue in the visa process and hardly a hand either. I just kept her updated once in a while and she sent me the stuff I needed her to. In our case, the language thing just would have been too much to overcome. Now once she got packet 3, then she took care of everything after that.

Edited June 14, 2006 by zed2283