Supporting a deadbeat??

[tallcoolone 102]

You brought him over here, and you said you saw the signs. So that means you accepted it.

There is a saying, Dance with the one you brought to the party.

[Cham 3]

You brought him over here, and you said you saw the signs. So that means you accepted it.

There is a saying, Dance with the one you brought to the party.

you serious?

So if you saw the signs that your wife was lazy would you deal with it?? I doubt it.

Love is blind and we as women or men think Oh after we are married or this or that, they will change...nope they just become more lazier!

ANYWAY,

TO THE OP: it is NOT your resposibility to find him a place to stay. I think you are on the right track with getting an attorney just in case!

Do not be co-dependant on anyonr because then you blame YOURSELF for HIS or HER actions.

He needs to learn to be responsible! YOU are not his mom so stop thinknig like one and tell him this is how it is!!1

[justashooter 430]

You brought him over here, and you said you saw the signs. So that means you accepted it.

There is a saying, Dance with the one you brought to the party.

thats the trouble with internet marriages. they are based on imaginings and desire more than understanding and acceptance.

never marry a person you have not lived in close proximity to for less than a year. you will have no idea who they are.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

You brought him over here, and you said you saw the signs. So that means you accepted it.

There is a saying, Dance with the one you brought to the party.

thats the trouble with internet marriages. they are based on imaginings and desire more than understanding and acceptance.

never marry a person you have not lived in close proximity to for less than a year. you will have no idea who they are.

And who exactly made you the expert? Seriously,

[Griffon76 0]

You brought him over here, and you said you saw the signs. So that means you accepted it.

There is a saying, Dance with the one you brought to the party.

The signs I saw were before we even started talking online, believe it or not! We were members of an internet classic rock group and listened to the saturday night show while we chatted. He did drink during and even bragged about it. I couldn't stand the arrogance of it all! LOL But another friend was having trouble with some heavy drinking so my soon-to-be ex stopped drinking himself and became this other's partner in order to help his friend stop. We were all worried about him. It was all very noble and I believed he was in control of his drinking to be able to stop like that. It was after we had agreed to marry, made plans and he was living here that I saw who he really was. Now that I look back, I know he was hiding the fact that he started drinking out of control again. And yes, I enabled him to stay here and continue this behavior by not ending the relationship before the wedding. I felt stuck but then again, I was looking at it as a commitment and wanted to give him the chance to show me otherwise...

Justashooter said that one should "never marry a person you have not lived in close proximity to for less than a year. you will have no idea who they are." I wish I could have done that. But immigration laws make it hard to live together for long. I have been saying this to friends now because of what I have been going through and beating myself up for not knowing him better. Chatting for almost 2 years didn't let me know him, talking on the phone every day for an additional 1 1/2 years didn't let me really know him either. If he had been a very open person like me, I would have known who he was very quickly. Some couples are lucky to find partners who are as honest and open about themselves and find it easy to fall in love, marry and stay that way for many years. But I have to say that the other part of justashooter's statement "thats the trouble with internet marriages. they are based on imaginings and desire more than understanding and acceptance." is what's got me in this predicament in the first place! I foolishly accepted and understood his problems. I wanted to be the better person and accept him for who he was and love him unconditionally (much to my detriment!)

With regard to his work ethic, I never got to see him work in the real world. When his parents died, their inheritance allowed him to work at home (graphic design). He used to work with his parents at their store so he never really had an 'outside' job. What I didn't get to see is he was not always reliable working for family. With his parents gone, I never got to hear from them what he was like, nor did I get to meet more than a few friends of his. He admitted to being quite a partier in his days and had burned a lot of bridges with friends and he was reformed and had learned the hard way. THAT'S why I say I wanted to give him a chance to be the person I thought he was. But he reverted somewhat and it was too late for me after we had married. Do we EVER really get to know the significant other in our lives??? Seriously??

I learned a very valuable lesson here...in order for a relationship to work for ME, my partner will have to be someone who I have multiple things in common with, including core values (good work ethic, being a kind-hearted, giving person, one who does not smoke at all or drink in excess) things like that (disclaimer...I am not knocking smokers! It's just another instance of something that will not work for me). I do not like to argue, nor do I flip off people in traffic and yell foul-mouthed obscenities. And now that I think of it, no, I'm not posting my profile here to meet someone online! LOL Just trying to lighten this post....ok...I'm not knocking the criticism I'm getting. I knew I'd get some by posting my story publicly. Like I said, I made a mistake and I've learned the hard way what not to do next time in a relationship. I am looking forward to starting fresh when this is all over and enjoying MY life!

And to Cham...I don't feel guilty....just sorry for him. And by law, I have to give him something for his part of the house. At least I started this split early enough so that I was not supporting him for many years and ruining my self esteem in the process. I just know I will be careful with anyone who comes into my life from now on.

[forchika 4]

Sorry agree with Kez/JWolf....just be safe !!!!

[lucyrich 20]

There's some misinformation here. Google "Stump v Stump", or just look here:

http://www.ilw.com/articles/2006,0110-wheeler.shtm

While the affidavit of support does require you to reimburse the federal government for means-tested benefits, it also requires YOU to directly support the immigrant at 125% of the poverty level. And this, to my knowledge, is the ONLY part of the I-864 that has actually been tested in court (most means-tested benefits aren't available to new immigrants, so that kind of case hasn't come up yet).

Read the I-864, part 8. It says, in part.

What Does Signing the Form I-864 Require Me to do?

If an intending immigrant becomes a permanent resident in the United States based on a Form I-864 that you have signed, then, until your obligations under the Form I-864 terminate, you must:

--

Provide the intending immigrant any support necessary to maintain him or her at an income that is at least 125 percent of the Federal Poverty Guidelines for his or her household size.

Make sure your divorce attorney is aware of Stump v. Stump, as well. An attorney should have access to court case records and will be able to figure out how this decision might affect your case.

[bhajishah 4]

Hey now a addicted person very good @ hiding thier beloved evil addiction. No matter how long they married and etc.

[Aubrey 10]

There's some misinformation here. Google "Stump v Stump", or just look here:

http://www.ilw.com/articles/2006,0110-wheeler.shtm

While the affidavit of support does require you to reimburse the federal government for means-tested benefits, it also requires YOU to directly support the immigrant at 125% of the poverty level. And this, to my knowledge, is the ONLY part of the I-864 that has actually been tested in court (most means-tested benefits aren't available to new immigrants, so that kind of case hasn't come up yet).

Read the I-864, part 8. It says, in part.

What Does Signing the Form I-864 Require Me to do?

If an intending immigrant becomes a permanent resident in the United States based on a Form I-864 that you have signed, then, until your obligations under the Form I-864 terminate, you must:

--

Provide the intending immigrant any support necessary to maintain him or her at an income that is at least 125 percent of the Federal Poverty Guidelines for his or her household size.

Make sure your divorce attorney is aware of Stump v. Stump, as well. An attorney should have access to court case records and will be able to figure out how this decision might affect your case.

I have the opinion that this guy's been a leach, an ####, and more. And if he's an alcoholic, something tells me he's going to be too drunk (or alternatively, has killed too many brain cells) to bring this woman to court for anything. I agree with the posters here (a divorcee myself) -- bus ticket and $20, send him home. If you've been the breadwinner for so long while he's mistreated you and done nothing, you do not owe him anything. Take care of yourself, not this man.

Give yourself some time alone to recover from this. The trauma of divorce can creep up on you, regardless of the circumstances. Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and if you can a counselor (or religious leader) to help you through it. There's also some great boards online (such as iVillage) if your friends/family are insufficient (which they often are).

My best wishes to you and your children.

[tallcoolone 102]

You brought him over here, and you said you saw the signs. So that means you accepted it.

There is a saying, Dance with the one you brought to the party.

you serious?

So if you saw the signs that your wife was lazy would you deal with it?? I doubt it.

Love is blind and we as women or men think Oh after we are married or this or that, they will change...nope they just become more lazier!

Love is not Blind, only the people making the decision are blind.

I spent 2 months with my fiance courting her in the Philippines. I made 3 trips over there in a 18 month period. I wanted to try to make sure she was what I was looking for in a marriage.

I had her family support, Only thing they ask me was to let her finish college before I marry her. I spent time to get to know her.

We didn't do the meet on net, make one visit and send off papers.

[Caladan 19]

lucyrich, it's not "misinformation" for the following reasons, although it's good to consider Stump v. Stump and I wish more people would before they signed the form.

1) The instructions to the I-864 are not what is affirmed (and INA 204 seems not to apply to fiancees.)

2) It's an affidavit, not a contract (this is in your own link). Consider this. C. and I are still married and doing fine. He has a job. If I quit work next year to have a baby, I am not violating a contract to him to give him 125% of support. That means it's not quite a straightforward promise to pay. "Any support necessary" is not the same as "give 125% of poverty level in cash."

3) Crucially, Stump v. Stump is the only case that established any kind of precedent; others were found not to have the standing. It is a precedent, but a fairly new one, and I'm not sure how settled it is considered. There's practically no cases on it.

4) This is the important part. There's no provision in the I-864 that has any automatic enforcement mechanism. The government doesn't take part of my paycheck and ascribe it to C. every month now. Which means, as in the case of Stump v. Stump, any enforcement there is comes through the divorce settlement in this case, where the I-864 is used like evidence that someone was a full-time homemaker was used: something to determine spousal support or division of assets. The point is that it's *not* automatic. Which means, as I said earlier, the big problem is the divorce, not the I-864.

[Old Dominion 26]

"I don't feel guilty....just sorry for him. And by law, I have to give him something for his part of the house"

On the other hand, he has made his own bed and needs to sleep in it. Let the legal process work out whether he is entitled to any compensation at all, and if so, let your attorney handle the distribution.

That's tough love. He needs it as soon as possible. You need to be free of his mess.

[Griffon76 0]

That's tough love. He needs it as soon as possible. You need to be free of his mess.

It's being worked on as we speak...also, I don't believe my soon-to-be-ex is asking for anything other than money for the house. He has some nice belongings that he will take with him too as I don't want any of it. He actually told me, "whatever is decided is fine, I don't care". The attorney had me write all assets and debt and agreed that what I came up with was fair. From what I've seen of his life, the 'I don't care" attitude is what has him in this predicament. The 'talk' I gave him the other day, hopefully helped him to start the change to better his life.....starting by getting a da** job!!

[Emancipation 2]

hugs to you Griffon.. thank you for sharing your story and you are taking steps that will lead to your freedom.. good for you. Keep on surrounding yourself with people who encourage you to take care of you and who will support you once this guy is gone. Take some time for healing.. and by time I mean months, years.. however long it takes to find yourself again and to be healthy..

So much of your story reminds me of my previous marriage, it took me time to get out.. but I did get out.. that's the thing that matters.. do what you are comfortable with, live without regrets.. that is the one thing that helps me sleep at night, and gave me peace of mind as I walked away from my previous marriage.

[Griffon76 0]

hugs to you Griffon.. thank you for sharing your story and you are taking steps that will lead to your freedom.. good for you. Keep on surrounding yourself with people who encourage you to take care of you and who will support you once this guy is gone. Take some time for healing.. and by time I mean months, years.. however long it takes to find yourself again and to be healthy..

So much of your story reminds me of my previous marriage, it took me time to get out.. but I did get out.. that's the thing that matters.. do what you are comfortable with, live without regrets.. that is the one thing that helps me sleep at night, and gave me peace of mind as I walked away from my previous marriage.

Thanks for your kind words! I'm not delusional to think that I will find THE 'perfect man' but I know one will come into my life that is perfect for me. I'm not in any rush and am happy to have a good job, wonderful kids, fulfilling hobby, great family and friends. I thought I had learned what I wanted from my first marriage (my children's father) and hurt for 16 years waiting for that man to come to his senses and just love me. We went through counseling and it was determined that he was more important than any thing or any one else and I knew it was time to let go. (he is now engaged to a sweet lady but is doing the same thing to her as he did me-poor girl) I will always shed a tear for the dreams I had for that relationship, wanting to really spend the rest of my life with one man, but I let my wants and hurts lead me to a man that was loving and affectionate but had nothing else! And I think it was too soon after the first marriage ended. (and I did NOT go searching for anyone) I am confident that I will be happy alone until I meet someone who will be my best friend, confidant and lover for the rest of my days....I won't go through this again!