Supporting a deadbeat??

[Griffon76 0]

I don't know what you're quoting in the first line of your post but it is not technically correct. If he is now a permanent resident, you could be responsible for reimbursing the US government for certain benefits he might obtain, not specifically for "supporting him".

I'd buy him a bus ticket back to his Canadian home town and twenty bucks for food, then change the locks an hang the ticket and the twenty in an envelope on the door.

I SO agree with pushbrk!! Go buy a one-way ticket, pack his #######, get it in the trunk, tell him you need to show him something or whatever and drop his sorry *ss at the bus depot! Honestly, I don't think he'd show up at your doorstep again. And this guy has any right to say he's a MAN??!! How sickening! I am sorry for you and I am embarrassed that he's a Canadian! Went thru the same experience myself except not married so I don't know why I stuck with the loser for 4 years! I know that I felt bad/sorry for him until I finally got to the point of having ENOUGH, didn't care if he had no money or no job, he had friends and a rich mommy to help him out. You owe him NOTHING for the ####### he's put you thru! Remember that...it will feel like a ton of weight off your shoulders when he's out, I guarantee you that!

Best of luck my friend...

hugz...

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. I've been living this hell for more than a year now and keeping much of it to myself trying to 'help' him out of the house. He has been counting on my sympathies as that had worked before. Sure I'd love to buy him a one way ticket to anywhere but it's getting him out that's hard. He says he has a right to be here since we both put money in the house and he doesn't really care that I can't save up anything while he is here and not working. The plan was that I would save it up and when I had half of what I'd pay him, he'd move out (get a place of his own or go back home) and I'd give him the rest over the next 6 months. What a friend suggested is that I write up an agreement that he'd sign that as of next Saturday, everything that I have to spend on him (food, gas money and meds) I will write receipts and this will be taken off what I owe him. If he ends up spending it all while he is here then he will leave with no money. Then I will HAVE to buy him a ticket home. I wish he would go back since he has adopted family there and I know they love him very much no matter what he's done. His parents passed away about 10 years ago and he found out afterwards that he was adopted. That's a big reason I feel for him as he's mentioned he feels alone with no one to really call family. He had burned a lot of bridges back home (with friends) with his horrible actions so I believe it's an embarrassment for him to go back. I would love to have confidence that he could start a life in the states on his own and form new friendships while he grows up (he's 43) but I found that he can't do much without encouragement and help from someone. He really needs to grow up!! And I really NEED to move on!!

Thanks again...and BTW...the quote was something I read here and it was just something that got me motivated to talk about my situation. I know I wont be made to financially support him as he is capable of that himself and I doubt he will try to get state support either. I wouldn't be surprised if he's trying to find someone else to move on with and get her to support him!!

[hheaven67 2]

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. I've been living this hell for more than a year now and keeping much of it to myself trying to 'help' him out of the house. He has been counting on my sympathies as that had worked before. Sure I'd love to buy him a one way ticket to anywhere but it's getting him out that's hard. He says he has a right to be here since we both put money in the house and he doesn't really care that I can't save up anything while he is here and not working. The plan was that I would save it up and when I had half of what I'd pay him, he'd move out (get a place of his own or go back home) and I'd give him the rest over the next 6 months. What a friend suggested is that I write up an agreement that he'd sign that as of next Saturday, everything that I have to spend on him (food, gas money and meds) I will write receipts and this will be taken off what I owe him. If he ends up spending it all while he is here then he will leave with no money. Then I will HAVE to buy him a ticket home. I wish he would go back since he has adopted family there and I know they love him very much no matter what he's done. His parents passed away about 10 years ago and he found out afterwards that he was adopted. That's a big reason I feel for him as he's mentioned he feels alone with no one to really call family. He had burned a lot of bridges back home (with friends) with his horrible actions so I believe it's an embarrassment for him to go back. I would love to have confidence that he could start a life in the states on his own and form new friendships while he grows up (he's 43) but I found that he can't do much without encouragement and help from someone. He really needs to grow up!! And I really NEED to move on!!

Thanks again...and BTW...the quote was something I read here and it was just something that got me motivated to talk about my situation. I know I wont be made to financially support him as he is capable of that himself and I doubt he will try to get state support either. I wouldn't be surprised if he's trying to find someone else to move on with and get her to support him!!

Oh my dear girl...stop feeling sorry for him! He dug the hole that he's in...let HIM live with it! HE needs to be accountable for his actions...my son is 16 and understands what that means! He's playing on your sympathy!! STOP being a martyr! YOU are enabling his actions and until YOU realize it, he will continue to do what he is doing and that is NOTHING! I cannot feel sorry for those who enable people to treat them like #######....I did it for years until I finally saw the light...those people did nothing for me but USE me and it cost me BIG TIME! Not only financially but mentally and emotionally...someday you will look back at this and realize how much time you wasted! You get one chance at life...LIVE IT!

[bhajishah 4]

supporting a deadbeat or a teenager its the same thing, Cut the cord and let them fly on their own ** it!!

[SAT 9,609]

"The sponsor is bound by law to provide financially for the person whom they signed the papers for during the visa process."

This statement makes me cringe...I have avoided posting here due to embarrassment for a mistake I made. I know I'm not the first one to commit a mistake like this but I can't believe I let this happen to me when I saw 'signs' and ignored them thinking I should give this man a chance. Now he has lost his job (I'm beginning to think on purpose) and is happy sitting around letting me work my a** off and not being motivated in finding another job. We have been separated for a good part of last year due to serious differences (not cultural) just things that didn't show themselves til later. One of them being he is a drunk. He had a good job but was fired for not showing up to work many times. His boss gave him many chances. I am beginning to believe he planned this so I would let him stay here. He was supposed to move out this month and now has no job, no money and is doing nothing to get work. I am so strapped that if something came up and I needed money for an emergency, I'm stuck!. I was willing to give him $ in the separation agreement but can't even save that up since he is not contributing financially. I have been given lots of advice from well-meaning friends from not buying food so he will be forced to get a job, to keeping record of all I buy for him and deduct that from the settlement amount. I just don't know what to do. He has family in Canada but refuses to get their help and has no one else here. I have tried to help direct him to do the right thing, get a job and move on like a responsible adult but to no avail. Has anyone been through something like this? (Btw, There is NO salvaging this relationship. This has made me gun-shy with regard to relationships now...) What can be done?

Can i have one of those puppies in your profile pic?

[Griffon76 0]

"The sponsor is bound by law to provide financially for the person whom they signed the papers for during the visa process."

This statement makes me cringe...I have avoided posting here due to embarrassment for a mistake I made. I know I'm not the first one to commit a mistake like this but I can't believe I let this happen to me when I saw 'signs' and ignored them thinking I should give this man a chance. Now he has lost his job (I'm beginning to think on purpose) and is happy sitting around letting me work my a** off and not being motivated in finding another job. We have been separated for a good part of last year due to serious differences (not cultural) just things that didn't show themselves til later. One of them being he is a drunk. He had a good job but was fired for not showing up to work many times. His boss gave him many chances. I am beginning to believe he planned this so I would let him stay here. He was supposed to move out this month and now has no job, no money and is doing nothing to get work. I am so strapped that if something came up and I needed money for an emergency, I'm stuck!. I was willing to give him $ in the separation agreement but can't even save that up since he is not contributing financially. I have been given lots of advice from well-meaning friends from not buying food so he will be forced to get a job, to keeping record of all I buy for him and deduct that from the settlement amount. I just don't know what to do. He has family in Canada but refuses to get their help and has no one else here. I have tried to help direct him to do the right thing, get a job and move on like a responsible adult but to no avail. Has anyone been through something like this? (Btw, There is NO salvaging this relationship. This has made me gun-shy with regard to relationships now...) What can be done?

Can i have one of those puppies in your profile pic?

LOL sorry they already found homes. One is actually going to Westminster this year in NYC! Anyway....I know that I am enabling him to be lazy at this point. It's easy to say to kick him out and believe me, friends here at home say the same. I've seen friends come home to their stuff in garbage bags on the front lawn! (one whose wife had a new boyfriend and wanted to move him in and hubby out) I guess I just don't know where to send my ex. It's been around 0 degrees so he can't sleep in his car and has no money for a hotel and no friends or family in the states to get some help with. I'm almost tempted to call around to see where there are facilities that help people get on their own but at least give them a place to sleep. I don't know...I mentioned his adoptive family in Montreal but he had a negative answer for that...he wouldn't be able to get a job there if he doesn't speak French. The funny thought crossed my mind of seeing if my preacher uncle in FL would put him up til he got a job but I know he'd make him take his 5 piercings out, trim up and go to church with them!! I just wish I could come up with $4000 NOW (half of what I agreed to pay him for his part of the house) get him out and he can figure out what to do after that. I'm working in my free time designing and making custom western show shirts and every bit is being saved to use for getting him out. LOL my divorce fund!! I am calling home from work tomorrow to make sure his butt is up and go to the temp agency. He HAS to find something soon! I will definitely let you guys know the day he is out and my life starts fresh!!

[Cham 3]

"The sponsor is bound by law to provide financially for the person whom they signed the papers for during the visa process."

This statement makes me cringe...I have avoided posting here due to embarrassment for a mistake I made. I know I'm not the first one to commit a mistake like this but I can't believe I let this happen to me when I saw 'signs' and ignored them thinking I should give this man a chance. Now he has lost his job (I'm beginning to think on purpose) and is happy sitting around letting me work my a** off and not being motivated in finding another job. We have been separated for a good part of last year due to serious differences (not cultural) just things that didn't show themselves til later. One of them being he is a drunk. He had a good job but was fired for not showing up to work many times. His boss gave him many chances. I am beginning to believe he planned this so I would let him stay here. He was supposed to move out this month and now has no job, no money and is doing nothing to get work. I am so strapped that if something came up and I needed money for an emergency, I'm stuck!. I was willing to give him $ in the separation agreement but can't even save that up since he is not contributing financially. I have been given lots of advice from well-meaning friends from not buying food so he will be forced to get a job, to keeping record of all I buy for him and deduct that from the settlement amount. I just don't know what to do. He has family in Canada but refuses to get their help and has no one else here. I have tried to help direct him to do the right thing, get a job and move on like a responsible adult but to no avail. Has anyone been through something like this? (Btw, There is NO salvaging this relationship. This has made me gun-shy with regard to relationships now...) What can be done?

I don't know what you're quoting in the first line of your post but it is not technically correct. If he is now a permanent resident, you could be responsible for reimbursing the US government for certain benefits he might obtain, not specifically for "supporting him".

I'd buy him a bus ticket back to his Canadian home town and twenty bucks for food, then change the locks an hang the ticket and the twenty in an envelope on the door.

ROFL Heck I would make him a peanut butter sandwich and a bottle of water and send him with a bus ticket..he might keep the money and STARVE..lol

great post!

[justashooter 430]

Eviction won't work if there are married because it is his house also. Seeing there is no saving the relationship a restraining order or protiective order might work. The holes in the walls should be proof enough of his lack of control.

to get a protective order you need to affirm that you are in real and personal fear of bodily injury. holes in the walls indicate that the walls (not you) are in fear of bodily injury. you have said that the guy is a "drunk" and in another post say that because you have all of the spending money he hasn't had a drink in 2 months. if he hasn't, he's not a "drunk". he is "dry".

for all of you women who have advised this person to get a restraining order so that she can have sole posession of a jointly owned house: i hope you realise that this kind of maneuvering is what keeps american men from even considering you as a marriage partner. this tactic is often used without reasonable fear of bodily injury by conniving women to effectively "steal" a house from their husband, rather than being forced to negotiate for it.

may you never again find a man to treat as poorly.

[Caladan 19]

Come on, justashooter. If the guy doesn't have control enough of his temper to not put his fist through a wall, she shouldn't wait until it's her face.

You need a lawyer. If he's been living here for nearly a year and he has assets in the house, just changing the locks on the doors is probably not the wisest first step. Here you could be found in the wrong for locking him out of his home, even if that wasn't your intent. The laws vary by state, which is why you need a family practice lawyer to see what your options are.

[Griffon76 0]

to get a protective order you need to affirm that you are in real and personal fear of bodily injury. holes in the walls indicate that the walls (not you) are in fear of bodily injury. you have said that the guy is a "drunk" and in another post say that because you have all of the spending money he hasn't had a drink in 2 months. if he hasn't, he's not a "drunk". he is "dry".

for all of you women who have advised this person to get a restraining order so that she can have sole posession of a jointly owned house: i hope you realise that this kind of maneuvering is what keeps american men from even considering you as a marriage partner. this tactic is often used without reasonable fear of bodily injury by conniving women to effectively "steal" a house from their husband, rather than being forced to negotiate for it.

may you never again find a man to treat as poorly.

To address the 'he's a drunk' statement...if one is going to nitpick my words, then sorry...he is an alcoholic that is dry for the moment. I lived with an alcoholic most of my young years and believe me, I know the signs. I am happy he is not drinking and hope he can continue the dry spell when he has his own money to spend. He KNOWS he has a problem and if controlling the spending money is what is going to straighten his a** out and give him a head-start on cleaning up, then I have no qualms about it. Maybe this is the reason he was brought into my life...He really needed someone to show him tough-love.

Also, I have people (friends and family) telling me to essentially kick him out and I understand where those well meaning people are coming from. Yes, I want him out asap, but I DO have compassion for him as a person and don't want him to starve or be homeless. He deserves some portion of the house and I am actually giving him more than what a judge would tell me to give. The reason is, I know I can get the money back with my good job much faster than he can. And I'm truly sorry I couldn't give him more. But rest assured, justashooter, I am not a cold-hearted person wanting to find a way to kick him out to acquire sole possession of a jointly owned house. Those that are close to me know without a doubt that I am a warm, caring person who forgives way too easily and in caring for my well-being, gives advice like "kick him to the curb" and "get a protective order against him". No, I don't need to do that...in fact, if he so much as laid a hand on me, I won't be the one on the floor! And yes, at that point, his sh** would be in bags on the front lawn.

Thanks to those who are trying to encourage me. I'm sure you know how it feels to have someone in your corner. Those little words of encouragement really has given me the help or boost I needed to get through this.

[Griffon76 0]

Come on, justashooter. If the guy doesn't have control enough of his temper to not put his fist through a wall, she shouldn't wait until it's her face.

You need a lawyer. If he's been living here for nearly a year and he has assets in the house, just changing the locks on the doors is probably not the wisest first step. Here you could be found in the wrong for locking him out of his home, even if that wasn't your intent. The laws vary by state, which is why you need a family practice lawyer to see what your options are.

I will change the locks when he has moved out. It's the smart thing to do. After the tough talk I had with him last night, he made up a resume for the first time today and is actually going to post it in online job forums as well as drop it off at a few places this week. The things I said to him last night made him cry (again, not bitchy but tough-love things) things he needed to hear...the reality of his life if he didn't straighten up. I hope I made him understand that no one can live his life for him. He is the ONLY one who can make him happy and when he is ready to finally be happy, he will do the right thing for himself, starting with finding a job and being responsible. Man, I felt like I was talking to a teenager!! My kids are 19 and 17 and I NEVER had to talk to them like I did him. Both my kids have jobs, one after school, and the other worked for a year to save up for a special school...never asked for us to pay for it! Some people 'get it', others learn the hard way, I guess!

BTW...I have a lawyer who is just doing the basics, he will refer me to someone else if there is a disagreement about splitting our assets and I assured him we wouldn't have to do that. I think I mentioned before, after I give him half the money, he'll have the where-with-all to get his own place, then I will pay him the rest within the following 6 months.

[Old Dominion 26]

I sense a co-dependency situation that is just going to stay put. Why ask anyone for advice? Attend an Al-Anon meeting to learn more about yourself, daughter of an alcoholic. It's difficult to pull yourself up from that experience, but you dserve better.

[desert_fox 32]

Nothing is going to happen until you see a lawyer and start some kind of action. He has as much right to live there as you do. The police are not going to do anything if you do not have a court order. If there is violence, then they may take him away, but he will be bvck the next day. see a lawyer!!!

[Griffon76 0]

Just to remind some, I HAVE a lawyer and I asked if anyone else went through a similar situation...man not working, not motivated...I got some encouragement and some criticism...I understood I'd get both. I'm headed in the right direction....lawyer, a fair settlement for us both, and reminding HIM of what will happen when he moves out with the money I will give him (again, being fair in this divorce) and he WILL NOT be allowed back once he is out. Papers will be signed and we will go our separate ways...He will get the things that he called 'his' and I will keep what I had before he moved here with me. No one is loosing out in that department.

As to Al-Anon meetings, I have been to them, thank you. I was falling into the co-dependency trap but woke up and realized I needed to get this person out of my life now! All the right steps are being taken without breaking any laws...just hearts....I know I will be the better for doing it, I can only pray he will too.

[bhajishah 4]

Just because the fruitcake is dry doesnt mean its not a fruitcake still

[Cham 3]

Girl

Stop being co dependent and feeling guilty about HIM not growing up. Its HIS fault and his fault alone. He is old enough to stop his #######. Honestly he is adopted and WHO cares. I was molested but you do not see me laying a guilt trip on my sweetie and not working my butt off to help out..TO ME it is an EXCUSE!

You say YOU need to move on..then do it..stop allowing HIM to use you as a door mat. You are just as guilty as he is by allowing him to use you. If you do not want to be used or hate being used, then kick the moron to the curb. He is a BIG boy he will figure it out.

WHO CARES IF YOU OWE HIM MONEY!! What does HE owe you..HMM lets add it up

Deadbeat= paying for HIS bills, paying for HIS food, paying for HIS roof over his head, paying for the gas or electric that gives him HOT WATER to shower or bathe his stupid butt...Paying for HIS gas to get him places. Paying for cable interent so he can get online, paying for cable or satelite so he can sit on his butt and watch tv, paying for his BOOZE.

and YOU owe him money?? THINK ABOUT IT GIRL!! You do not owe him #######!!

DO not allow tis fool to make YOU a fool

kick him out..because IF you allow it ..it wont stop

ps glad you are waking up because you deserve better girl..good on ya!

Edited January 20, 2009 by Cham