Mom acting really mean

[Cristy 4]

I just need to know if anyone else has had an experience like this.

My mom has been making nasty comments the last few weeks. The other day she said 'wouldn't it be funny if Casey came home from Costa Rica married? #######? Ummmm no not really funny.

Then the other night she told me to think long and hard about this move and make sure it is the right thing to do. I thought it was obvious that I have done that and I know it is the right thing. Why say that now just Weeks before it is going to happen?

Today she went nuts on me over nothing, hung up on me and would not answer when I called her back. Saying really hurtful and untrue things.

My mom is never like this. She is one of my best friends, I can go to her with anything. She has been really supportive and happy about me moving and getting married. She has said she is getting sadder as it gets nearer but this is just astonishing. My friends are telling me it is because she is losing me and my kids.....and I think that may be true but I just don't get being so negative and causing me this unnecessary stress.

Anyone else have a close family member act like this before the big move? I don't know what else it could be.

[AFQuaid 18]

Can totally relate. My mum is somewhat like that, one minute fine, next minute refuses to discuss ANYTHING to do with the fact I'm moving eventually then gets on my back about how I need to make sure its the right thing and sometimes spits out nasty opinions of Andy as if shes the one thats been talking to him for 6 years not me. It angers me but nowt we can do about it. Gotta keep thinking if it was my children I'd freak too...

[Jaylen Brit 0]

cristy - ask her.

Go and see her in person if you can, (makes it harder for her to vacilate or refuse to talk to you than it is on the phone) sit her down, decide in advance not to lose your cool whatever she might say - and just ASK her what the deal is. Explain to her how close you feel to her - and that this seems to have come out of left field and is really upsetting you. Then just ask her if its fuelled by her fear - or her worry for you being so far away. I'm guessing that's probably the root cause of the nastiness - its not that she suddenly woke up and thought 'OK so now I hate her'

If for some reason she refuses to see you then WRITE her a letter.

Try not atatck or feel defensive as neither will help you get to the bottom of things - and she may well try and annoy you just to distract you so she doesn't have to answer hard questions. Tell her the LAST thing you want is to leave on bad terms with her, because you love her.

I'm sure this will work itself out, and maybe she IS having a hard time letting go, but you DO deserve an explanation for her behaviour, and she probably needs to let it all out, so you can clear the air, and know you won't hate her afterwards.

*hugs* Good luck with it

[munchkins 0]

Cristy, Jaylen is giving you sound advice there and take it from one who knows having had my own daughter move over to the US on her wedding 20 years ago. And my son to Australia. It is the hardest thing in the world to see your daughter (or son) move so far away, it is even harder when it is also your grandchildren, that is a double hurt!!!

Every mother in the world wants to have her kids near her and to see them have familys of their own, and it hurts like hell when they fall in love with someone from so far away and make the move.

You really do no need to talk to her and let her know how her reaction to all this, which is what will be the cause of her mood swings, is upsetting you considering how very close you have been. She is probably keeping all her feelings inside because she will not want to hurt or upset you but does not see that in actual fact, by not talking to you about it, she is doing just that.

Try to understand what she is going through Cristy, to mothers seeing your daughter move so far away is like loosing you,especially when you have always been so close (even though we do not, it certainly feels like it) . Over time she will adjust but she needs your help in getting to that stage. All I will say to you Cristy is that maybe one day, you to will have to cope with something like this, try to put yourself in your mum's shoes, she loves you and she does not want you to go but she will not stand in your way but it is hurting her more than you will ever know. Trust me on that one, I felt like my heart had gone and my guts were ripped from me, I think I cried for weeks but I did settle quite quickly especially when Donna had the phone line set up.

Talk to her Cristy as you always have done and things will work out just fine

Edited June 11, 2006 by munchkins

[jelti 0]

My mother did almost the same exact thing when I was first considering moving to Ireland with Aidan. She said something like, "Why don't you just move to Tampa and finish school...maybe you'll meet a nice guy." I'm all, "####### Mom?! I have a boyfriend who I love, what are you talking about?!" She went nuts and said, "Well he better love you enough to send money for a taxi to the airport, cuz I'm damn sure not taking you!!!" and then she stormed off! She flipped out like that quite a few times before I moved, and finally settled into a sad form of contentment.

My mama is my best friend, always has been. I go to her with absolutley anything. I think she was just going crazy because she knew that I truly was moving across the ocean, she was afraid for me--but she also knew that she couldn't hold me back for the wrong reasons. That's why she finally broke down and let go...

That was almost two years ago, and she's, of course, very happy that I'm back. She knows Aidan and I are considering moving back to Ireland though (unless things continue as they are and he's forced back...long story...), and every time I bring up the topic, she gets very sad and quiet. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be for her...because it breaks my heart every time I think about leaving her again.

Edited June 11, 2006 by jelti

[jackybeertje 0]

hehe your mom sounds like me on the evenings before the day Andrew leaves. I just cant handle that and I get upset angry and more. My twisted mind thinks it makes the goodbye easier or something. And I dont mean to fight with him and say the things I do. But I cant help it. My protection wall is totaly up and I am just so affraid at such a moment.

Maybe your mom is going trought the same thing. She maybe doesnt know how to handle the fact that you and the boys are leaving.

Try talking to her. F2F if possible. And explain that if your leaving and her having a hard time with that is the reason that she is acting like that, that you can understand, but that the goodbye will be more hurtfull. Or if this is not the reason try to find out why she acts like that. But I am almost sure it is because she has the idea she is going to loose you and the boys and she doesnt know how the handle that.

Good luck sweety and I am thinking of you.

-hugs-

[scumpi 0]

cristy - ask her.

Go and see her in person if you can, (makes it harder for her to vacilate or refuse to talk to you than it is on the phone) sit her down, decide in advance not to lose your cool whatever she might say - and just ASK her what the deal is. Explain to her how close you feel to her - and that this seems to have come out of left field and is really upsetting you. Then just ask her if its fuelled by her fear - or her worry for you being so far away. I'm guessing that's probably the root cause of the nastiness - its not that she suddenly woke up and thought 'OK so now I hate her'

If for some reason she refuses to see you then WRITE her a letter.

Try not atatck or feel defensive as neither will help you get to the bottom of things - and she may well try and annoy you just to distract you so she doesn't have to answer hard questions. Tell her the LAST thing you want is to leave on bad terms with her, because you love her.

I'm sure this will work itself out, and maybe she IS having a hard time letting go, but you DO deserve an explanation for her behaviour, and she probably needs to let it all out, so you can clear the air, and know you won't hate her afterwards.

*hugs* Good luck with it

Even if pretty hard to give advice in this situations,I think Jaylen Brit did a great job out of it,and it`s good she did,cause you know,sometimes there`s that feeling to stay away from such personal stuff. I just couldn`t though, knowing how hard this can be sometimes, to be in a position like yours here.I know this is delicate issue,cause when we get along with our mothers it`s all good,sometimes we take that for granted,``it`s my mom,we are supposed to get along``.When issues between mothers and daughters begin,it can be quite difficult thing to handle ,for the same reason,some mothers go``ok,she is my daughter,she can take anything from me,including me not agreeing with her relationship`` which can be very hurtful.Been thru that. I would say too you should talk to her and soon,before her attitude gets to wear you out.You don`t need that for sure. Just trully sorry to hear you going thru this.

[Aymerlu 3]

Cristy,

My mom did the exact same thing to me. She would tell me how stupid I am for wanting to marry an arab. Finally I just sat down and talked to her and asked her WHY she was saying the things she did when she has not even met my fiance. My mom has always been the type to want to control me and I've always tried to do what she wants to make her happy. I then asked her is she was worried about what people would think of HER. BINGO....that was it. I told her I'm an adult and quite frankly I was tired of always trying to make HER happy because she was worried about what others thought of her. I told her it's my life and for the first time in my life I'm VERY HAPPY. I was very calm during this whole discussion. She does not bring up the issue of us getting married now, however she does not talk about him much at all. Funny thing is, she bought him a leather jacket for Christmas this year. She must be coming around. I'm sure you will get everything worked out with your mom.....chin up hun.

[Nessa 23]

I can completely relate to you, my mom is doing the same thing. Sometimes she is nice, she helps me with whatever i need when it comes to the petition, she likes Charles, she knows he's a good man and we're happy together, but sometimes she says terrible things(not about him) and she's being really different lately. She too used to be like my best friend. Charles said she must be doing that because i'm moving to another country and i'm gonna be far away, and he was right, one day she finally said she says bad stuff but she doesn't mean any of them. It's just her way of dealing with the fact i'm not gonna be around anymore.

So it's normal, don't worry.

[Kez/JWolf 6]

I can see this from both points of view.... your Mom in her mind is losing you... she can not see the good thing yet!! all she sees is the hurt she is feeling and it is human nature to lash out at things or people who we see as hurting us...

My mom did not know I was getting married when I left Scotland to come spend some time here recovering from surgery... but when I called and told her what we intended to do she was so upset and angry... we paid for her to come over here to meet my now husband and his family... well she sort of supported us and what we were doing but she still had problems and at time was just so full of the "What about me and all I have done for you"....

I had spent the first 42 years of my life trying to always please my parents and my children... well the kids now have their own life and now it time for me to have my life... I explained all this to my Mom when she was here and slowly she is feeling better about the fact that I now live in the USA... we pay for her to come over 4 times a year and we and her are now planning on her coming over for good once I am a citizen... I think she is looking forward to that and has started to make plans already even though its still 2 1/2 years away...

I know thing are hard right now for you but please be honest with her tell her how she is making you feel and let her tell you how you are making her feel.... try to find some way that she can be involved in your new life... one of the best things we did was set Mom up with a computer and webcam and install skype so she can call me whenever she wants at no extra cost and because of the webcam she can see us and share in the new things that are happening in our lives... she has even started brousing the internet and playing games... we share jokes with eachother and chat everyother day.... she does sometimes forget about the time diffrence so that can be hard when she wants to know why I am not dressed at 10 am and I have to explain again that it may be 10 am with her but its 5 am here.....

I hope you can find ways to help both your Mom and yourself deal with this very dificult area of moving to another country.....

My thoughts go with you

Kezzie

[Cristy 4]

Now I am sitting here crying. Thanks for your posts. I am glad some of you can relate.

The problem is my mom lives an hour out of town and I don't know if/when she is home. So driving out there with no warning might not be good.

This is really breaking my heart. I was up all night thinking...am I really selfish and ungrateful? I really don't think I am.

I plan on giving her my computer so she can webcam and email with us when we move. I hope that will help.

It would be so much easier if she would just say don't go, but to say things to me like she did is just so hurtful.

Thanks for the advice, I will work on it.

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

Now I am sitting here crying. Thanks for your posts. I am glad some of you can relate.

The problem is my mom lives an hour out of town and I don't know if/when she is home. So driving out there with no warning might not be good.

This is really breaking my heart. I was up all night thinking...am I really selfish and ungrateful? I really don't think I am.

I plan on giving her my computer so she can webcam and email with us when we move. I hope that will help.

It would be so much easier if she would just say don't go, but to say things to me like she did is just so hurtful.

Thanks for the advice, I will work on it.

sometimes people close to you will act differently because they are upset about something yet they are reluctant to tell you what is really bothering them. i learned about that from my sister and her weird moods

best wishes

[CanGal 1]

I can also relate to your situation. I can't say my mom ever got really mean spirited about it but she would always question me about these things. She kept saying that I didn't know what I was getting myself into and everyone kept saying why can't he move here and such. Maybe one day we will move back, I don't know. But I do feel I made a decision, right or wrong, on the basis that I loved my husband even though I hated the idea of moving away from my family and friends. Your mom is probably not trying to be so mean and ubrupt intentionally. She is probably just trying to cope with the fact that your moving so far away from home and that you have children which is her grandchildren and she fears that she may not see them grow up like she would like too. My mom talks about stuff like that all the time and how her dreams have been shattered in a sense because she feels that by the time we have kids she's not going to be an important role in their lives. I would just sit down and talk with her about how your both feeling about the situation and you moving. Explain how it makes you feel and listen to her about how it makes her feel and see if you both can come up with some sort of plan to work things out. Like we will come visit so many times and year and vice versa. Also a web cam and communication can really help when your so far away. I wish you the best of luck.

[Cristy 4]

Well I called her and told her I was sorry she saw me as ungrateful and selfish and that I am so grateful for everything she does for me and for who she is to me.

I told her that this is really hard and stressful leaving everyone I love but I know it is the right thing.

Then she said it.....'don't you think it is hard for me losing you guys?'

I told her that I do know that but arguing and saying mean things is not the way to deal with it.

So it is better....for now.

I really hope she knows this is not a decision I took lightly. It is really hard to leave. But at least it is just US Canada....we can drive to see each other....it is not really a world away.

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

Well I called her and told her I was sorry she saw me as ungrateful and selfish and that I am so grateful for everything she does for me and for who she is to me.

I told her that this is really hard and stressful leaving everyone I love but I know it is the right thing.

Then she said it.....'don't you think it is hard for me losing you guys?'

I told her that I do know that but arguing and saying mean things is not the way to deal with it.

So it is better....for now.

I really hope she knows this is not a decision I took lightly. It is really hard to leave. But at least it is just US Canada....we can drive to see each other....it is not really a world away.

she's not losing a daughter...she's gaining a son in law. and a vacation spot in another country