He's hurting and now he hurt me.

[JSVP08 3]

Im sorry that he's taking it out on you.. sometimes when we are so down its always those who are closest to us that we exposed our innermost feelings too, snapped at, etc... i do hope for u tho that he will be calm enough soon and realise that u are by his side and u feel his pain and is pained by him pushing u away.. sometimes u just have to let it run its course... take care of yourself and pamper yourself yeah? no good to have both person in a relationship be feeling crappy at the same time... coz when he is ready to receive your offer of understanding, u'd need to be free from feeling resentment/dissapointment/upset that he did reject your first few tries...

You are true, and I'm trying to dampen my disappointment through understanding, but this has been the general theme the whole time. I have no basis on what to expect a good marriage to be like and therefore try not to expect a single thing, but I've felt crappy for soooooooo long.

Another thing, what I saw of his parents relationship is so .... not what I want either.

ugghhh.. its been a general theme? im so sorry maybe he is indeed just naturally in sour note all the time and depressed? in my previous line of work ive been around people living in conflict areas and also refugees/internally displaced persons. not from Gaza tho. most inspiring when they have such amazing outlook in life despite this and stayed positive and invite laughter in life.... i cant imagine being in your shoes. as a spouse. id have said, snap out of it hubby or something.. hehehe.. out from victim mentality, and go out and do something positive for his people than mope and be upset.. like educate other people about the situation, join in campaigns to bring in food and help, things like that. u know what i mean?

Yes, I've felt this before, that he has a naturally sour outlook. My biggest complaint about him, to him, and my mom, was that he called other people garbage. And psych speaking, it means he really thinks that people CAN be garbage (so maybe HE could be garbage), where I disagree adamently. But I think this (general outlook) is something trained in him, as both he and sister told me that during the 7 days of mourning for his fathers brother.. I was disturbing it by not being solemn the whole time. I suggested things I was doing to make my sorrow heard about people who undergo oppression and large scale violence, which is when he said I don't know anything.

When he said it's just his people that see that, I said what about Iraqi's, Tibetans, Kashmiri's, Sudanese. He simply said it was 'your people's fault and you killed Saddam'. ####### I don't believe in capital punishment EVER. I just cried, because I know if he doesn't know me at all, he can't really love me. So.... here I am again. I married another guy who most likely will not be able to love me no matter what I do or don't do, and I'M depressed. I wish I could help him, but I know it's beyond me.

Ok Thanks, now I AM off to bed.

Peace to All,

Mariah

if at this stage, six mos of marriage and you already concluded a possibility.... then watch out. You need a thorough evaluation of what lead you to marry each other in the first place. Goodluck and be strong

Edited January 15, 2009 by veepee

[amal 4]

I don't have any words right now but I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. Feel free to PM me any time you need a shoulder.

[bhajishah 4]

Yell on him, tell him your muslim not israeli and to knock off his sissy lala attitude. Coz ####### going to go down as ALLAh wills.

[faryan 4]

sending hugs to Mariah

[MsMariah 0]

Fruitcake lady: LOL I'm not muslim though... I do appreciate all the world religions like fine pieces of art.

Elkfarmer: While I appreciate your overall sentiment, I don't think it's healthy to worship people, and certainly don't want to be 'worshipped'. Also, I love living here, but I'm a little wary of nationalistic ego. So when another poster mentioned that I'll never truly understand, that's true. I know when 9/11 happened I was a literal basket case. It took a long time, and it's mostly why I wanted to learn about what is really going on 'over there'.

Virtual wife: wow, you are really great at expressing your very beautiful viewpoin, I agree 100%

Anyway, for an update. He finally understood the significance of the I130 approval. He took the day off and ran around doing things to get that police certificate and made plans for a date with the scanner. He talked to me for so long yesterday and said that he knew he was not good with me the day before and that he hopes I will be patient. He didn't apologize but I don't think one was necessary. He was acting even more like normal today and actually smiled, but did say that he wishes his laughter was coming from all the way inside. I'm pleased with all that he did to get these papers ready today. I feel better when he isn't acting so depressed.

Another thing, when I say that 'another relation that isn't love', doesn't it speak about something wrong with me more than with him?

I tried to warn him......

After six months of marriage...and two months of living together, we haven't had any time at all to really know each other. We talked for about one year before that and commited to save ourselves for the other just 1 year ago, almost to the day.... We'll get the time to know each other soon enough........

and I'll be completely inappropriate, Allah forgive me, this marriage is still cheaper than my last boyfriend. hehehe

Sorry, I keep saying more and more awful things, mostly I am just being wry, my husband thinks I have a pure heart. It's really his which is pure. I love him like my big toe. lol oh I can't wait to tell him that and see if he'll laugh.

Peace,

Mariah

[Y's_habibitk 2]

good luck mariah

[faryan 4]

[Staashi 371]

After six months of marriage...and two months of living together, we haven't had any time at all to really know each other. We talked for about one year before that and commited to save ourselves for the other just 1 year ago, almost to the day.... We'll get the time to know each other soon enough........ You might not want to let USCIS/DOS know this fact, as they see this as being a potential red flag in your relationship. You two, by this point, should be very comfortable and open with each other in all aspects of your relationship - just like any other married couple.

and I'll be completely inappropriate, Allah forgive me, this marriage is still cheaper than my last boyfriend. hehehe Obviously, you haven't gotten very far in the whole USCIS process (or maybe studied it very well as to what you're going to be facing), because this is probably one of the most expensive things that you and your spouse will undertake together outside of buying a car, house or maybe new furniture. Good luck with it!

[MsMariah 0]

After six months of marriage...and two months of living together, we haven't had any time at all to really know each other. We talked for about one year before that and commited to save ourselves for the other just 1 year ago, almost to the day.... We'll get the time to know each other soon enough........ You might not want to let USCIS/DOS know this fact, as they see this as being a potential red flag in your relationship. You two, by this point, should be very comfortable and open with each other in all aspects of your relationship - just like any other married couple.

and I'll be completely inappropriate, Allah forgive me, this marriage is still cheaper than my last boyfriend. hehehe Obviously, you haven't gotten very far in the whole USCIS process (or maybe studied it very well as to what you're going to be facing), because this is probably one of the most expensive things that you and your spouse will undertake together outside of buying a car, house or maybe new furniture. Good luck with it!

Well until he gets here it will be just about 1000$ for the papers, I don't count flights because I like to travel every year. But even if I did it's only going to be 4000$ (including his) and compared to my last boyfriend with medical and court costs and time and all the things he took from me, then it's much cheaper and easier. For this simple case, I don't need a lawyer. It's all about perspective.

And he and I are very open and honest with each other, most everyone I know will allow each other a few bad days. I'm glad you and your partner got so intimately knowledgeable about each other in a relatively short time, but as far as I know the interview questions they tend to ask are things that we definitely know about each other (which isn't what I was referring to in saying 'we will have lots of time to get to REALLY know each other') I meant more deep philosophical and spiritual things. We do talk every day by phone or internet. The only red flag I see is that my husband and I are depressed, and I've not read anything that bars any sort of immigrant on that basis. But thanks for your warnings, really helpful stuff...

Peace,

Mariah

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Mariah,

I dont mean to speak for anyone, but I dont think Staashi meant anything mean spirited.

From what you have posted, it sounds like one of two things to me:

A) you are in for a very difficult situation with your marriage

or

B ) you are self sabotaging your relationship and not 100% invested in it

Im sorry, if that was harsh or whatever, really

I wish you the best. The more I read, the more I feel for you. I really mean that

Lisa

Edited January 16, 2009 by Y_habibitk

[Staashi 371]

After six months of marriage...and two months of living together, we haven't had any time at all to really know each other. We talked for about one year before that and commited to save ourselves for the other just 1 year ago, almost to the day.... We'll get the time to know each other soon enough........ You might not want to let USCIS/DOS know this fact, as they see this as being a potential red flag in your relationship. You two, by this point, should be very comfortable and open with each other in all aspects of your relationship - just like any other married couple.

and I'll be completely inappropriate, Allah forgive me, this marriage is still cheaper than my last boyfriend. hehehe Obviously, you haven't gotten very far in the whole USCIS process (or maybe studied it very well as to what you're going to be facing), because this is probably one of the most expensive things that you and your spouse will undertake together outside of buying a car, house or maybe new furniture. Good luck with it!

Well until he gets here it will be just about 1000$ for the papers, I don't count flights because I like to travel every year. But even if I did it's only going to be 4000$ (including his) and compared to my last boyfriend with medical and court costs and time and all the things he took from me, then it's much cheaper and easier. For this simple case, I don't need a lawyer. It's all about perspective.

And he and I are very open and honest with each other, most everyone I know will allow each other a few bad days. I'm glad you and your partner got so intimately knowledgeable about each other in a relatively short time, but as far as I know the interview questions they tend to ask are things that we definitely know about each other (which isn't what I was referring to in saying 'we will have lots of time to get to REALLY know each other') I meant more deep philosophical and spiritual things. We do talk every day by phone or internet. The only red flag I see is that my husband and I are depressed, and I've not read anything that bars any sort of immigrant on that basis. But thanks for your warnings, really helpful stuff...

Peace,

Mariah

Oh sister, I wasn't talking about physical intimacy. I was talking about the deep intimacy that comes from sharing philosophical/spiritual things. My fiance/now husband and I spoke every day for more than an hour and 4 hours on weekend days. We shared everything there was to share with someone. USCIS isn't concerned if you all are fvcking each other...they're concerned if you KNOW each other! And how WELL you know each other.

One other thing, I think it's rather tacky to refer to this as a cheap experience. You make him sound like you found him in the Bargain Basement Bin at the Big Lots and that you're buying a husband. You might not want USCIS to hear you say that one either. But that's just me.

[doodlebugg 10]

[MsMariah 0]

I do think most of my problem is related to self sabotage that I can barely notice until I've already done it. I think I mentioned before that I haven't had the sweetest healthiest experiences before and my husband knows all about everything. I have no ideations that any marriage with me in it will be easy whatsoever. I have no illusions that he is "perfect" for me but I know we are commited to each other. Maybe that sounds worse to you than it does to me, for me it's being very REAL. I guess if REAL isn't appropriate for immigration and that everything must be glossed over to perfection, then it won't happen.

I definitely didn't buy a husband or a boyfriend, it was definitely an analogy which wasn't referring to money as much as true life costs. I figured it would get taken the wrong way which is why I begged forgiveness in advance, now I think I've said enough on this thread.

At the moment I started this thread I was crying out in desperation because my support wasn't able to support himself, some people came to offer encouragement and I appreciate that. Others came to offer warnings and I assure you all that I can think of 50 more horrible things that could happen than all of you put together, but as a coping mechanism I better try to focus on the positive. Now, I'll refuse to regret spilling my guts here because really so many have been so helpful and I'll just remain thankful.

Peace,

Mariah

[bhajishah 4]

He need to be the man a tell you everything gonna be allright, quit his sissy lala. no one in control of that gaza situation. lie goes on and allwe can do is pray for peoples right now. All that stuff not your problem, your prob being wie and keeping peace and harmony in house. what matter with him. talk to his brother straiten him out.!! His proirities out of wack right now, he come around.

[doodlebugg 10]

I do think most of my problem is related to self sabotage that I can barely notice until I've already done it. I think I mentioned before that I haven't had the sweetest healthiest experiences before and my husband knows all about everything. I have no ideations that any marriage with me in it will be easy whatsoever. I have no illusions that he is "perfect" for me but I know we are commited to each other. Maybe that sounds worse to you than it does to me, for me it's being very REAL. I guess if REAL isn't appropriate for immigration and that everything must be glossed over to perfection, then it won't happen.

I definitely didn't buy a husband or a boyfriend, it was definitely an analogy which wasn't referring to money as much as true life costs. I figured it would get taken the wrong way which is why I begged forgiveness in advance, now I think I've said enough on this thread.

At the moment I started this thread I was crying out in desperation because my support wasn't able to support himself, some people came to offer encouragement and I appreciate that. Others came to offer warnings and I assure you all that I can think of 50 more horrible things that could happen than all of you put together, but as a coping mechanism I better try to focus on the positive. Now, I'll refuse to regret spilling my guts here because really so many have been so helpful and I'll just remain thankful.

Peace,

Mariah

Mariah,

I don't think anyone regrets posting uber personal information here more than me. You live and learn. Not everyone will be nice in their advice (hey I'm a poet and I didn't know it! ). There are many private groups online where women share more intimate details of their relationships and where confidence is pledged so there are no worries that things will leak over. Sometimes that works and sometimes not but it's nice to have them around when things are tough and to help others. Not sure if there is a jordanian group around but you might want to look around, like I said before.

Hang in there and don't read the negative, just focus on the positive and live one day at a time.

USCIS isn't concerned if you all are fvcking each other...

I think *that* is kind of tacky myself but that's just me.