He's hurting and now he hurt me.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Hey sounds depressed. Depression is sometimes a suppressed form of anger. I feel for you. Just be kind and supportive and there for him but don't take it all on yourself. Try to keep yourself busy too so you don't get dragged down. I hope he gets better soon.

[merijan 0]

Hey sounds depressed. Depression is sometimes a suppressed form of anger. I feel for you. Just be kind and supportive and there for him but don't take it all on yourself. Try to keep yourself busy too so you don't get dragged down. I hope he gets better soon.

MOst Palestinian men are always in that state. No matter what . Unless they come to USA and become totally emersed in this culture. Being angry, depressed is part of their make up. So I am trying to give real advice here, either learn how to cope and understand or its going to be a rough road .

[morocco4ever 63]

Ganja Girl, you always rock!

It is important to listen and let him have those feelings, on the flip side as GG said...it's not an excuse to be abusive or hurtful to you.

and bte lashing out on you because you are american is completely unacceptable behavior imo.

I agree, I don't find it acceptable that he is lashing out on you because you are an american. He married you, you are his wife, and you should be treated with respect no matter what country you come from.

Give him some space and some time to come to terms with things. When things have calmed down you really do need to let him know (calmly) that when he speaks poorly of americans he is talking about you, and that it is not acceptable. I hope he doesn't continue on this path. How will he handle it when he is here and surrounded by americans, not to mention married to one, if he has so much pent up hate for them?

Being upset with the government is one thing, blaming all americans for these situations is something you will want to address before he comes here.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I think that is a cop-out for bad behavior.

My husband is Palestinian and he is in the same boat as the OP's husband, he is the first generation on dads side to be born in Jordan. He is angry,upset,depressed and overwhelmed by what is going on in Gaza right now.

However, he is not abusive or dismissive EVER.

Im not saying that different people dont have different coping skills, but lashing out of anger to a loved one is one thing, and being dismissive and hurtful is another.

Just 2 more cents

Edited January 14, 2009 by Y_habibitk

[Nagishkaw 510]

He will come around when HE is ready. Just do your part and keep praying that his heart be softened and that God's will be done.

[caybee 21]

Just an FYI Mariah, if he's abusive to you now...which is what this is, it will get worse. I don't care if Gaza is burning (in the grand sense I care), if the world is coming to an end, if flame throwers are being hurled at me...I would never, ever tell my husband that "you mean nothing to me", unless I wanted a divorce. You be careful, this is a pattern and you have seen it before. I would think very, very hard about what you are getting into - if he's freaking out now and he's only a few miles from Gaza imagine what he's going to do when he's 6,000 miles from there.

Forgive me if I'm being harsh...those are just my two cents on the subject.

God bless you.

I may have read the OP a little differently. She wrote, "He said nothing matters. I heard 'you don't matter.'" I took the "you don't matter" part to be her perception of what he meant by "nothing matters," not as something he literally said to her, but I may have misunderstood. He does seem to be dismissing her feelings rather coldly. Perhaps that is all he is able to manage at this time. I certainly agree that the way he behaves now is likely to be the same or magnified after he arrives here.

To the OP, I know this is terribly painful. You feel empathy, and he doesn't believe you can truly identify. In a sense, he is right; you can't feel everything he feels because your backgrounds are so different. But you do understand a lot. You want to reach out to him and be there for him because you love him, and you feel rejected when you do that now. In a sense, it is the same for us sometimes. As much as I may think I understand something about my husband's culture, if I speak too confidently about it, he will remind me that I can't truly know, and at first, that was frustrating to me. But it works the other way also. For example, since coming here, my husband has learned a little about a history of racism that is distinctly American; racism exists everywhere, but our particular history of chattel slavery and the consequences that are still playing out are distinctly ours. Sometimes, he will make a comment about something he has observed, especially working with people of different races, and I try to explain to him that he is seeing it through the eyes of someone who did not grow up here and does not understand all the complexities that have evolved over the past 300 years. He ends up generalizing more than I would like. And I'm sure I do the same thing when I make observations about his culture or a broader MENA culture. When he is angry, as he is about what is happening in Gaza, sometimes the best way I can support him is simply to be quiet and listen and let him know he is being heard. Then, when he is calmer, I can share my own observations or ask questions.

I'm not trying to minimize what you are feeling, because I know you are hurting a lot. I'm just saying that although it may feel like a personal rejection of you, it may not be that. It may be more that he needs to work through this with family and others of the same background, and when he is less depressed and is able to concentrate on other important things again, like immigration and your relationship, he will do that. It would be ideal if everyone who is hurting instinctively leaned on their SOs for comfort and let them help, but unfortunately, sometimes that is more than a hurting person is able to do at the time.

I hope things get better for you both, and I hope some progress is made soon in this conflict that is tearing so many people up inside.

[nunyab 0]

i am sorry for you on this. I am also depressed by what is happening and all the stress is taking it's toll on me and both husband and I are getting stressed out this week. I will add you to my dua's at this time that is about all we can do. Be strong we're here for you

Rajaa

[morocco4ever 63]

I may have read the OP a little differently. She wrote, "He said nothing matters. I heard 'you don't matter.'" I took the "you don't matter" part to be her perception of what he meant by "nothing matters," not as something he literally said to her, but I may have misunderstood. He does seem to be dismissing her feelings rather coldly. Perhaps that is all he is able to manage at this time. I certainly agree that the way he behaves now is likely to be the same or magnified after he arrives here.

I think she was referring to this post.

Yes, I've felt this before, that he has a naturally sour outlook. My biggest complaint about him, to him, and my mom, was that he called other people garbage. And psych speaking, it means he really thinks that people CAN be garbage (so maybe HE could be garbage), where I disagree adamently. But I think this (general outlook) is something trained in him, as both he and sister told me that during the 7 days of mourning for his fathers brother.. I was disturbing it by not being solemn the whole time. I suggested things I was doing to make my sorrow heard about people who undergo oppression and large scale violence, which is when he said I don't know anything.

When he said it's just his people that see that, I said what about Iraqi's, Tibetans, Kashmiri's, Sudanese. He simply said it was 'your people's fault and you killed Saddam'. ####### I don't believe in capital punishment EVER. I just cried, because I know if he doesn't know me at all, he can't really love me. So.... here I am again. I married another guy who most likely will not be able to love me no matter what I do or don't do, and I'M depressed. I wish I could help him, but I know it's beyond me.

[allousa 1]

I will tell you that Hicham and I are really going through a rough patch and some of it does have to do with the situation in Gaza. I posted this on Olivia's post as well.

A couple of nights ago, we were talking about the situation and he kept talking about wanting to go there and do something...just something. He has gone through a range of emotions...sorrow, anger, complaining about governments and stuff. I just listen and let him know that I am "in his corner" and that I support him. He made a comment about giving his life for his country. I was like...but you have a son! How could you do that? I told him that I would never, never understand the sorrow and anger that he and his family have dealt with being refugees all of these years. No matter how empathetic, I will never know the life that they have. But I told him there was absolutely NOTHING in this world that would make me give up life on this earth as long as my child or children were alive. I truly believe that women and men are "wired" in different ways and it does make it very difficult to understand at times.

Hicham has been incredible difficult to deal with especially the last week. He has had such a short fuse with both me and our son. We have a LONG, LONG history of disagreements over politics, so I know we will get through this patch....

Now, his snoring...that's a whole other matter!!!!

I wish I could say the right words for both of you to find your way through this, but it's something you are going to have to do as a couple. It is these difficult times that forge your relationship. It's VERY tough going through them, but if you can keep your head down and against the wind, you will come out so much stronger on the other side.

And IF....IF things don't work out, you MUST....ABSOLUTELY MUST keep in your mind that if the relationship did not withstand a situation of what is going on in Gaza, then perhaps he would not have been supportive when the crisis was infinitely more personal. Do you know what I mean?

My heart goes out to you, because either way it's tough. Hang in there!

[MsMariah 0]

Hey All I just speed read through all these posts and I'm really thankful for everyone who replied. I definitely was tired and feeling dejected, at that point I just wanted to hold him and squeeze some of his stress out by my own hands and it frustrates me too.

He definitely is respectful to me but as someone said he is not able to handle his own emotions at the moment, and I don't think he's ever felt adept at dealing with me crying however much he tried. When we could just reach each other it was a little better. Having just cam calls makes the burn just a little more than having just voice.

I was fine at work, and able to talk a little to co-workers, and he appeared directly when I got home to tell me that he slept for 18 hours, didn't go to work, and wishes he could sleep more and just sleep through everything so he doesn't have to worry anymore. Then his net shut off and he called to say he's working on it, so now I got caught up on everyones posts. I'll post more direct answers after he and I talk more.

Sometimes I think I can't go on, but I guess it's Allah who helps me not be able to quit. The problem is not that he is abusive really, it's more like we are both wounded people and not exactly the best at being exactly what the other needs. He's far far more patient and steady than me, but he's so so depressed (me just a little less depressed). I know for sure that he won't change from who he is, but the environment here is very different.. I worry if he will be able to thrive or if he will drown more. It's my fear, and I'm usually too honest with him, which I'm sure isn't very reassuring.

Ganja girl, when you listed the things about post traumatic, it's funny how I can relate them to me. I definitely struggled with it, from some horrible things which I chose in my life. However, the horrible things in his life, he never had a choice, but he didn't actually have violence perpetrated to or near him physically, it's all what he relates personally to while watching on satellite. I think it's our dividing line and maybe I am just as emotionally unsupportive of him as he is of me. Plus I have to take into consideration that due to his novice grasp of english, that what he says it not always what he means. And what I say to him is not always understood how I meant it. Which happens just a little more easily than with a couple who both speak the same native tongue.

Either way, he is not garbage, he is a worthy guy, he's not perfect for me, but the same can be applied to me for him.

I shouldn't expect him to have more faith in the relationship than I do, and I really don't know... how to do that at all. So bottom line, I can't give up until I get abused, which believe me... giving up will happen if that day comes.

Ok, wow that's longer than I thought....

Peace for now all,

Mariah

[Staashi 371]

Mariah, good luck to you. This is a very, very difficult situation to experience. PTSD comes in many different forms - for some it can cause major sorrow, for others violence, violence in dreams - it varies. My good friend's father was a Vietnam Vet who suffered tremendous PTSD - he would get it in his dreams and he would begin pounding the ever-living life out of his wife as she was sleeping. She would wake from a deep sleep with him fighting the Viet Cong but he was hitting her. She lived in very traumatic conditions. He sought help, but I believe he still suffers to this day.

Sometimes I worry about people who suffer like your husband does - that feeling of powerlessness causes people to do some very strange/scary things. They want to fight something, lash out at something - so they take it out on those closest to them. The lash can be verbal, it can be physical. If your husband is a Pali who never saw war face to face, well, he's trying to overcompensate, yet, if you're a direct victim whose watched bombings in your front yard - eh, there is a difference.

I have wonderful friends who lived through civil wars in Palestine, Lebanon and Iran - they've seen it all. Even my husband talks about the terrible times in Argentina with the Junta and Los Desaparecidos - "The Disappeared Ones": thousands of people who went missing during a decade - they were taken in the middle of the night from their homes, tortured in prisons and and were thrown out of airplanes at 30,000 feet for having leftist thoughts. To this day people still try to figure out where they are, what happened to them and no one can give them an answer. My husband's family has friends who lost their children - gone forever. Their mothers suffer with PTSD brought on by wondering what happened to their sons and daughters - they march almost everyday in the Plaza de Mayo in downtown Buenos Aires. They will never have answers.

Edited January 14, 2009 by Staashi

[Sofiyya 1,687]

ok I am going to say it and I hope you will not take anything I tell you the wrong way. I want you to understand something very important. You are married to a Palestinian. Not Egyptian, Jordanian, Moroccon, Saudi.... a Palestinian. And they are a whole entirely different kind of people. Trust me. I was married to one for ten years, I have three kids from him, I have many many friends who are Palestinian. I have many married to Palastinians. So the thing is first of all they love thier country. And no matter how much you try to understand that passion they have, that hate they have, that anger, that desire to have it back, that love for thier music, poetry that defines them, you will never fully get it. But you can try , and you can be patient, and you can try to step back when they go through those " moods".

Next they love thier Palestine first, mother second, and religion third. It should not be that way but it is. Dont say anything against these three and your ok. I do adore thier passion for thier moms, I hope my son can only love half as much. I do understand sometimes how they love thier land. Its something almost infectious. If you start loveing it, and understand the suffering they have gone through you begin to feel like you are Palestinian. My daughter always tells me "MOm I am Palestinian you arent stop trying to act like you are"

If you want to be married to a Palestinian you have to get used to the moods, and try to step away a little, let them get through it. And if you really want to be with hime there are things that will never change. So if you want it to work you will have to put that on the shelf sometimes. My ex was just crazy .. and his mentality got worse but that was a whole entirely different thing .

I hope you can work through it and be ok.

I'm Palestinian and I have to say that much of this is correct. Unfortunately, our tragedy is our identity. There is a certain frozen in time fatalism that Arab people have that is overly pronounced in us. Palestine is THE main topic of discussion in any Palestinian household. We grow up in a cacophony of opinon and rancor over the fate of the homeland. It is never far from the mind, and can make people crazy. One of my brothers called me the other day. He is normally a very sedate and proper man, but this day he was raging about how everyone at Fox News should be lined up and shot because of all the pro-Israel coverage. He went on to complain about how they have no Arabs on staff and never try to see the other side. I couldn't get a word in. This is not uncommon. In fact, this sadness and helplessness is what I remember most about any Palestinian I have ever known, no matter where they are. There's a tendency not only to look back, but also to see history as a piling on of negativity. We are a people apart from others.

STILL, there is no reason for him to take out his sorrow and frustration on you. You do not represent America, Israel, failed policies, or any other element of the world's inability to find a solution to "our plight". You should represent love, faith, hope and opportunity to him. I understand he may have second thoughts about coming to live in a country that is so associated with Israel; it can feel very much like a betrayal. Still, it's also a chance to stop being a refugee, even if you never stop being one in your mind. He needs to grow up and learn to channel that frustration and anger into positive proactivity. That's the fuel that lead much of my family into human rights work. It beats feeling helpless.

Best to you, and as was said before, take good care of yourself and don't enable him.

[merijan 0]

I think that is a cop-out for bad behavior.

My husband is Palestinian and he is in the same boat as the OP's husband, he is the first generation on dads side to be born in Jordan. He is angry,upset,depressed and overwhelmed by what is going on in Gaza right now.

However, he is not abusive or dismissive EVER.

Im not saying that different people dont have different coping skills, but lashing out of anger to a loved one is one thing, and being dismissive and hurtful is another.

Just 2 more cents

agree

ok I am going to say it and I hope you will not take anything I tell you the wrong way. I want you to understand something very important. You are married to a Palestinian. Not Egyptian, Jordanian, Moroccon, Saudi.... a Palestinian. And they are a whole entirely different kind of people. Trust me. I was married to one for ten years, I have three kids from him, I have many many friends who are Palestinian. I have many married to Palastinians. So the thing is first of all they love thier country. And no matter how much you try to understand that passion they have, that hate they have, that anger, that desire to have it back, that love for thier music, poetry that defines them, you will never fully get it. But you can try , and you can be patient, and you can try to step back when they go through those " moods".

Next they love thier Palestine first, mother second, and religion third. It should not be that way but it is. Dont say anything against these three and your ok. I do adore thier passion for thier moms, I hope my son can only love half as much. I do understand sometimes how they love thier land. Its something almost infectious. If you start loveing it, and understand the suffering they have gone through you begin to feel like you are Palestinian. My daughter always tells me "MOm I am Palestinian you arent stop trying to act like you are"

If you want to be married to a Palestinian you have to get used to the moods, and try to step away a little, let them get through it. And if you really want to be with hime there are things that will never change. So if you want it to work you will have to put that on the shelf sometimes. My ex was just crazy .. and his mentality got worse but that was a whole entirely different thing .

I hope you can work through it and be ok.

I'm Palestinian and I have to say that much of this is correct. Unfortunately, our tragedy is our identity. There is a certain frozen in time fatalism that Arab people have that is overly pronounced in us. Palestine is THE main topic of discussion in any Palestinian household. We grow up in a cacophony of opinon and rancor over the fate of the homeland. It is never far from the mind, and can make people crazy. One of my brothers called me the other day. He is normally a very sedate and proper man, but this day he was raging about how everyone at Fox News should be lined up and shot because of all the pro-Israel coverage. He went on to complain about how they have no Arabs on staff and never try to see the other side. I couldn't get a word in. This is not uncommon. In fact, this sadness and helplessness is what I remember most about any Palestinian I have ever known, no matter where they are. There's a tendency not only to look back, but also to see history as a piling on of negativity. We are a people apart from others.

STILL, there is no reason for him to take out his sorrow and frustration on you. You do not represent America, Israel, failed policies, or any other element of the world's inability to find a solution to "our plight". You should represent love, faith, hope and opportunity to him. I understand he may have second thoughts about coming to live in a country that is so associated with Israel; it can feel very much like a betrayal. Still, it's also a chance to stop being a refugee, even if you never stop being one in your mind. He needs to grow up and learn to channel that frustration and anger into positive proactivity. That's the fuel that lead much of my family into human rights work. It beats feeling helpless.

Best to you, and as was said before, take good care of yourself and don't enable him.

very good. I like what you said

[caybee 21]

I may have read the OP a little differently. She wrote, "He said nothing matters. I heard 'you don't matter.'" I took the "you don't matter" part to be her perception of what he meant by "nothing matters," not as something he literally said to her, but I may have misunderstood. He does seem to be dismissing her feelings rather coldly. Perhaps that is all he is able to manage at this time. I certainly agree that the way he behaves now is likely to be the same or magnified after he arrives here.

I think she was referring to this post.

Yes, I've felt this before, that he has a naturally sour outlook. My biggest complaint about him, to him, and my mom, was that he called other people garbage. And psych speaking, it means he really thinks that people CAN be garbage (so maybe HE could be garbage), where I disagree adamently. But I think this (general outlook) is something trained in him, as both he and sister told me that during the 7 days of mourning for his fathers brother.. I was disturbing it by not being solemn the whole time. I suggested things I was doing to make my sorrow heard about people who undergo oppression and large scale violence, which is when he said I don't know anything.

When he said it's just his people that see that, I said what about Iraqi's, Tibetans, Kashmiri's, Sudanese. He simply said it was 'your people's fault and you killed Saddam'. ####### I don't believe in capital punishment EVER. I just cried, because I know if he doesn't know me at all, he can't really love me. So.... here I am again. I married another guy who most likely will not be able to love me no matter what I do or don't do, and I'M depressed. I wish I could help him, but I know it's beyond me.

Somehow I completely missed this post.

[elkfarmer 4]

God I am so sorry to hear of your plight. I know I should just keep quite, but I can not. It is also your responsibility to be bringing someone to USA who will be a model citizen and everything "WE" stand for. I am a Viet Nam vet and do not like the politics our government practices. I have seen the poverty and the ruthless killing, and all that goes with it. It took me a year living in another country to realize I was from the best country in the world.

Our country is so deverse with people from all over the world. We are so unique, and yet we all are one people, or are supposed to be. We were originally settled by Englishmen who rebelled at there own Mother country. That is something that every American should remember.

I am sorry your Husband feels the way he does. I would totally welcome your husband here and fight for his right to be here as an American. But with his attitude at the moment, maybe it is best he stays where he is at. I can not imagine him putting politics in front of his WIFE. If he can not get his priorities straight, for your sake, sit on that application !!!! God, Family, Country. It does not matter the religion,Islam, Christian, Hindu, Buddist, whatever. YOU HAD BETTER COME BEFORE ANY DAMN WAR! I am Christian and my wife is Buddist BTY. I might just be an old soilder, but I do have my priorties. MY WIFE COMES FIRST. No country, no war, no family, no anything, finances, age, race. Nothing. IF THIS MAN DOES NOT TREAT YOU LIKE A QUEEN AND DOES NOT WORSHIP THE GROUND YOU STAND ON, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. I'll get off my soapbox now. I wish you the best of luck in your sorrow, how ever think about what I just said.