He's hurting and now he hurt me.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

oh oh oh dear! that was some pretty harsh things he said to you. and if this is usually how he is, this is not good. im so sorry!

[merijan 0]

ok I am going to say it and I hope you will not take anything I tell you the wrong way. I want you to understand something very important. You are married to a Palestinian. Not Egyptian, Jordanian, Moroccon, Saudi.... a Palestinian. And they are a whole entirely different kind of people. Trust me. I was married to one for ten years, I have three kids from him, I have many many friends who are Palestinian. I have many married to Palastinians. So the thing is first of all they love thier country. And no matter how much you try to understand that passion they have, that hate they have, that anger, that desire to have it back, that love for thier music, poetry that defines them, you will never fully get it. But you can try , and you can be patient, and you can try to step back when they go through those " moods".

Next they love thier Palestine first, mother second, and religion third. It should not be that way but it is. Dont say anything against these three and your ok. I do adore thier passion for thier moms, I hope my son can only love half as much. I do understand sometimes how they love thier land. Its something almost infectious. If you start loveing it, and understand the suffering they have gone through you begin to feel like you are Palestinian. My daughter always tells me "MOm I am Palestinian you arent stop trying to act like you are"

If you want to be married to a Palestinian you have to get used to the moods, and try to step away a little, let them get through it. And if you really want to be with hime there are things that will never change. So if you want it to work you will have to put that on the shelf sometimes. My ex was just crazy .. and his mentality got worse but that was a whole entirely different thing .

I hope you can work through it and be ok.

[Henia 11]

Thou, the situation in Gaza just keeps sadder by the moment ... I would not let it get you thinking bad thoughts in your relationship. It is trying time for all Arabs, Muslims and dare I say the world. Unbelievable war crimes being commited by the Isrealis. I will pray for you!

[Aymsgirl 0]

I hate to hear that you guys are going through this difficult time. I think some of the ladies have given you some good advice. Please take care and I will pray that things get better for you two.

[miss g 1]

your reality is so detached from his and yes theres a bit of cultural melieu thrown in, but really, do you truly understand how it feels to be in the situation where your family are at risk and you cant help them or do anything - i think your moms advice is good.

instead of focusing on what hes not doing why dont you focus on yourself and what you can do to change the situation.. its so easy to blame other people but we are just as guilty by the way we react to a situation.

learn to not be so sensitive - words only wound if you choose it..

it seems that you want someone to comfort you and arent prepared to be the one who comforts someone else

[~Jackie~ 30]

You might want to consider counseling when he comes here. Post Tramatic Stress Disorder might afffect him more when there are 6,000 miles between him and Gaza.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. And if he would agree to talk to someone, my husband was here for 5 months, maybe he could talk to him and boost his enthusiasm for coming here.

jJ

[doodlebugg 10]

Is there an online or reallife group for wives of Palestinians? I used to belong to one for wives of Egyptians and it helped me a little bit, though with a Palestinian I can see there are way more issues to deal with. Maybe look in yahoo for one or perhaps some of the women here already belong to one? Wife of Mahmoud used to be around more often I'm sure she'd have some links or could help in someway.

Also definitely see how he feels about medication for post traumatic stress disorder. It totally affects every aspect of your life and sometimes for the rest of your life. I had memories so bad from when I was young that they were suppressed and refused medication for YEARS, though now that I've been on something for a good ten years or so I feel SO MUCH BETTER. Sometimes for men it's an ego thing where they think they can just tighten up the bootstraps and move on but maybe he'll be more willing to try once he gets here and sees how it's not such a taboo thing. Good luck!

[Jenn! 918]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I hope things improve. For what it's worth, my husband hasn't been himself since the recent events in Gaza, and he's not even Palestinian. It is all very upsetting.

Best wishes.

[faryan 4]

Salam Mariah..

How are you feeling today? I hope that you had a good rest, and feeling much better after last nite.

Someone here mentioned counseling, as well as contact with one of the VJ husbands. That's a great idea. Sometimes people can be averse to counseling, esp when they come from cultures thats not used to such concept. So buddy support can be very helpful. As i mentioned before, i was working in a peacebuilding organisation, and one aspect that is important in terms of healing and reconciliation is usually something like having debriefing sessions. Contact refugee network in the US, they provide support from peers as well as others. It is true that we can never fully comprehend what they feel.. we've never undergone such hopelessness, despair in our lives.. and also maybe even guilt for leaving and being safe when their family and friends left behind to face hardship. but i know you have hope that he doesnt shoot down your effort to share with him. i pray that he will meet you halfway in this marriage. amin...

[SaadBell 0]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, try to give it some time and just let him talk, even if the conversation is one side, just let him rage for a while. For me personally books have been a haven, if he can read about others who have lived through horrific events and came out the other side stronger and better, he might see that there is hope. Martin Luther King, the civil rights movements in the south, how he overcame the hate and violence, and during that time to be an African American was a dangerous thing in the south. Gandhi is another excellent role model, instead of accepting it; he turned it around and did it without violence. Sadly he is not the only person in the world to go through tragedy, it is how he comes through it is what counts. You need to take good care of yourself you are not his whipping boy, people have gone through far worst and don’t abuse and use other people, this is not an excuse for bad behavior, period. Here are a few other suggestions that may help.

• Empowerment: You must be in charge of your healing in every way to counteract the effects of the trauma where all control was taken away from you.

• Validation: You need others to listen to you, to validate the importance of what happened to you, to bear witness, and to understand the role of this trauma in your life

• Connection: Trauma makes you feel very alone. As part of your healing, you need to reconnect with others. This connection may be part of your treatment.

  If you feel the cause of your symptoms is related to trauma in your life, you will want to be careful about your treatment and in making decisions about other areas of your life. The following guidelines will help you decide how to help yourself feel better.

• Have hope. It is important that you know that you can and will feel better. In the past you may have thought you would never feel better?that the horrible symptoms you experience would go on for the rest of your life. Many people who have experienced the same symptoms that you are experiencing are now feeling much better.
• They have gone on to make their lives the way they want them to be and to do the things they want to do.

• Take personal responsibility.

When you have been traumatized, you lose control of your life. You may feel as though you still don't have any control over your life. You begin to take back that control by being in charge of every aspect of your life. Others, including your spouse, family members, friends, and health care professionals will try to tell you what to do. Before you do what they suggest, think about it carefully. Do you feel that it is the best thing for you to do right now? If not, do not do it. You can follow others advice, but be aware that you are choosing to do so. It is important that you make decisions about your own life. You are responsible for your own behavior. Being traumatized is not an acceptable excuse for behavior that hurts you or hurts others.

• Talk to one or more people about what happened to you. Telling others about the trauma is an important part of healing the effects of trauma. Make sure the person or people you decide to tell are safe people, people who would not hurt you, and who understand that what happened to you is serious. They should know, or you could tell them, that describing what happened to you over and over is an important part of the healing process. Don't tell a person who responds with statements that invalidate your experience, like "That wasn't so bad." "You should just forget about it," "Forgive and forget," or "You think that's bad, let me tell you what happened to me." They don't understand. In connecting with others, avoid spending all your time talking about your traumatic experiences. Spend time listening to others and sharing positive life experiences, like going to movies or watching a ball game together. You will know when you have described your trauma enough, because you won't feel like doing it anymore.

• Develop a close relationship with another person. You may not feel close to or trust anyone. This may be a result of your traumatic experiences. Part of healing means trusting people again. Think about the person in your life that you like best. Invite them to do something fun with you. If that feels good, make a plan to do something else together at another time?maybe the following week. Keep doing this until you feel close to this person. Then, without giving up on that person, start developing a close relationship with another person. Keep doing this until you have close relationships with at least five people. Support groups and peer support centers are good places to meet people.

If you ever need someone just to vent to I am here and will try to give you a hand, this is a difficult situation, but don't lose hope, many people have been though this and come out the other side and have gone on to help others.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Ganja Girl, you always rock!

It is important to listen and let him have those feelings, on the flip side as GG said...it's not an excuse to be abusive or hurtful to you.

and bte lashing out on you because you are american is completely unacceptable behavior imo.

[Sandrila 1]

Just thinking about it makes me cry. Instead of being happy for this approval, he's so morose. I know he's upset about Gaza and so am I. He marginalized my feelings because it's his 'mother' land and they're his relatives. "Now they're my relatives too." I said.

He dismissed me by saying I don't know anything, but I am so aware.

He didn't even print out his DS 3032 that I emailed him late last night so we could be prepared to go through NVC. He left his work early, fought with his brother, and just zoned out. He said nothing matters. I heard "you don't matter". I'm so sad, and I've tried so hard to not expect anything from him, it's hard though when even after giving love the best you know how you are always left feeling crappy.

He left me, crying, to lay down and go to sleep. I just don't think I'm strong enough to deal with someone who is always more depressed than me......ya raab. help...

We may not have identical situations but I would like you to know sometimes no matter what you do you cannot make another person happy nor change them. I hope that God will give you the strength you need. This journey is not easy neither is bridging the differences in our cultures and religions.

Edited January 14, 2009 by sandrila

[faryan 4]

Ganja Girl,

On one hand, there's him and his pain and on the other hand there's you. You can help getting him connected to his path to heal, but u cant make him change and heal. Only he can do that at his own time and also if he can or want to. Make sure you take care of you. We are here for you whenever you need someone to talk to..

[Y's_habibitk 2]

You have and will get alot of advise on this thread.

I try very hard not to become negative about other peoples personal situations, but everything you have said makes me want to throw my two cents in.

First, how long have you guys been together?

I just have to say that if you are "always left feeling crappy", be prepared for that to NOT change when he gets here. This process is hard and it's hard to communicate at times and hear voice inflection. But if you alwys feel crappy now, chances are you will continue to feel crappy. Im sure you know that things arent going to magically get better once he is here.

Yes, it will make a tremendous difference in how you communicate (face to face,hearing tone), but you are still left with the same two people, with the same communication skillset.

The suggestion that he find another man to talk to, is a great one.

I hope you find some peace in the situation and I hope that you were just tired and venting..and it isnt as bad as you have said.

[Staashi 371]

Just an FYI Mariah, if he's abusive to you now...which is what this is, it will get worse. I don't care if Gaza is burning (in the grand sense I care), if the world is coming to an end, if flame throwers are being hurled at me...I would never, ever tell my husband that "you mean nothing to me", unless I wanted a divorce. You be careful, this is a pattern and you have seen it before. I would think very, very hard about what you are getting into - if he's freaking out now and he's only a few miles from Gaza imagine what he's going to do when he's 6,000 miles from there.

Forgive me if I'm being harsh...those are just my two cents on the subject.

God bless you.

Edited January 14, 2009 by Staashi