He's hurting and now he hurt me.

[MsMariah 0]

Just thinking about it makes me cry. Instead of being happy for this approval, he's so morose. I know he's upset about Gaza and so am I. He marginalized my feelings because it's his 'mother' land and they're his relatives. "Now they're my relatives too." I said.

He dismissed me by saying I don't know anything, but I am so aware.

He didn't even print out his DS 3032 that I emailed him late last night so we could be prepared to go through NVC. He left his work early, fought with his brother, and just zoned out. He said nothing matters. I heard "you don't matter". I'm so sad, and I've tried so hard to not expect anything from him, it's hard though when even after giving love the best you know how you are always left feeling crappy.

He left me, crying, to lay down and go to sleep. I just don't think I'm strong enough to deal with someone who is always more depressed than me......ya raab. help...

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Very sorry to hear this is happening to you. Seems as though hes way too stressed out. Are ya'll together or apart?

[MsMariah 0]

Apart. And I told him that it sometimes feels like only our bodies got together. I guess more is too much to imagine.....

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

yah kinda seems like depression. Hes a married man and now has a responsibility to you his wife. This is a cruel world we live in sometimes, but we still have to be strong and handle life. I wonder if hes this depressed now, if he will be worse when he gets here.

[faryan 4]

Im sorry that he's taking it out on you.. sometimes when we are so down its always those who are closest to us that we exposed our innermost feelings too, snapped at, etc... i do hope for u tho that he will be calm enough soon and realise that u are by his side and u feel his pain and is pained by him pushing u away.. sometimes u just have to let it run its course... take care of yourself and pamper yourself yeah? no good to have both person in a relationship be feeling crappy at the same time... coz when he is ready to receive your offer of understanding, u'd need to be free from feeling resentment/dissapointment/upset that he did reject your first few tries...

[MsMariah 0]

I know, exactly my train of thought for a while, that he will definitely not like it here either. But at least in America he'll have his rights 100%. There in Jordan he's still considered a refugee, he couldn't even register the car he bought in his own name.

[faryan 4]

Apart. And I told him that it sometimes feels like only our bodies got together. I guess more is too much to imagine.....

That sucks Mariah...

yah kinda seems like depression. Hes a married man and now has a responsibility to you his wife. This is a cruel world we live in sometimes, but we still have to be strong and handle life. I wonder if hes this depressed now, if he will be worse when he gets here.

yeah, i know what u mean

[MsMariah 0]

Im sorry that he's taking it out on you.. sometimes when we are so down its always those who are closest to us that we exposed our innermost feelings too, snapped at, etc... i do hope for u tho that he will be calm enough soon and realise that u are by his side and u feel his pain and is pained by him pushing u away.. sometimes u just have to let it run its course... take care of yourself and pamper yourself yeah? no good to have both person in a relationship be feeling crappy at the same time... coz when he is ready to receive your offer of understanding, u'd need to be free from feeling resentment/dissapointment/upset that he did reject your first few tries...

You are true, and I'm trying to dampen my disappointment through understanding, but this has been the general theme the whole time. I have no basis on what to expect a good marriage to be like and therefore try not to expect a single thing, but I've felt crappy for soooooooo long.

Another thing, what I saw of his parents relationship is so .... not what I want either.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

This is truly not a good situation for you to be in and I honestly cant think of what to do at this moment to give you advice other than I will be praying for you and him. If he liked to chat online I would suggest that a good man on VJ that he can relate to, to speak with him. Sometimes men hearing it from another man is easier for them to understand something. Still his obligation is to you his wife. We arent statues or emotionless computers that can be shut off when a problem comes. We still have feelings and care, and especially more so when our spouse is upset.

[MsMariah 0]

I told my mom about it when she got home a while ago and she just blinked back some tears and started talking about those crazy buddhist love ideals like. Love isn't true unless it's without expectation. It seems like such.... a lofty idea. I don't buy it at all.

Also, he does always have to get other men's opinions, I think he never makes an opinion from his own determination. As a self determined kind of girl, it's rather.... ####### for me or disturbing.

[S and S 12]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it is not easy for him with the situation in Gaza and his family. My husband has similar problems as you can imagine. My husband was a refugee in Jordan for awhile and though his immediate family was in Jordan too, many other family members are still in Iraq. Only thing is that he doesn't blame me or push me away when he is sad about the situation there, for this I am thankful. Mostly he just accepts Iraq is gone and will never be what it was. I think that is the difference. Your husband is looking at the situation and hating that it is getting worse instead of better and not knowing how to deal with his pain and loss of hope. This is something you must work through with him or walk away from the relationship. It isn't healthy for him to just push you away. I hope he learns to open up to you and work through this. Sending you hugs (F)

[faryan 4]

Im sorry that he's taking it out on you.. sometimes when we are so down its always those who are closest to us that we exposed our innermost feelings too, snapped at, etc... i do hope for u tho that he will be calm enough soon and realise that u are by his side and u feel his pain and is pained by him pushing u away.. sometimes u just have to let it run its course... take care of yourself and pamper yourself yeah? no good to have both person in a relationship be feeling crappy at the same time... coz when he is ready to receive your offer of understanding, u'd need to be free from feeling resentment/dissapointment/upset that he did reject your first few tries...

You are true, and I'm trying to dampen my disappointment through understanding, but this has been the general theme the whole time. I have no basis on what to expect a good marriage to be like and therefore try not to expect a single thing, but I've felt crappy for soooooooo long.

Another thing, what I saw of his parents relationship is so .... not what I want either.

ugghhh.. its been a general theme? im so sorry maybe he is indeed just naturally in sour note all the time and depressed? in my previous line of work ive been around people living in conflict areas and also refugees/internally displaced persons. not from Gaza tho. most inspiring when they have such amazing outlook in life despite this and stayed positive and invite laughter in life.... i cant imagine being in your shoes. as a spouse. id have said, snap out of it hubby or something.. hehehe.. out from victim mentality, and go out and do something positive for his people than mope and be upset.. like educate other people about the situation, join in campaigns to bring in food and help, things like that. u know what i mean?

[MsMariah 0]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it is not easy for him with the situation in Gaza and his family. My husband has similar problems as you can imagine. My husband was a refugee in Jordan for awhile and though his immediate family was in Jordan too, many other family members are still in Iraq. Only thing is that he doesn't blame me or push me away when he is sad about the situation there, for this I am thankful. Mostly he just accepts Iraq is gone and will never be what it was. I think that is the difference. Your husband is looking at the situation and hating that it is getting worse instead of better and not knowing how to deal with his pain and loss of hope. This is something you must work through with him or walk away from the relationship. It isn't healthy for him to just push you away. I hope he learns to open up to you and work through this. Sending you hugs (F)

Thanks, you are true. I can't talk to him anyway, he just understands so slowly. I've a history of picking people like this so I'm really not surprised. I just hate that heart achy feeling in my chest. I guess I should just go to sleep now as I have to wake up in 5 hours for work. Thanks everyone for listening and trying to help.

Peace,

Mariah

[faryan 4]

Have a good rest Mariah.. Saying a lil prayer for you and good vibes and hugss

Peace,

Far

[MsMariah 0]

Im sorry that he's taking it out on you.. sometimes when we are so down its always those who are closest to us that we exposed our innermost feelings too, snapped at, etc... i do hope for u tho that he will be calm enough soon and realise that u are by his side and u feel his pain and is pained by him pushing u away.. sometimes u just have to let it run its course... take care of yourself and pamper yourself yeah? no good to have both person in a relationship be feeling crappy at the same time... coz when he is ready to receive your offer of understanding, u'd need to be free from feeling resentment/dissapointment/upset that he did reject your first few tries...

You are true, and I'm trying to dampen my disappointment through understanding, but this has been the general theme the whole time. I have no basis on what to expect a good marriage to be like and therefore try not to expect a single thing, but I've felt crappy for soooooooo long.

Another thing, what I saw of his parents relationship is so .... not what I want either.

ugghhh.. its been a general theme? im so sorry maybe he is indeed just naturally in sour note all the time and depressed? in my previous line of work ive been around people living in conflict areas and also refugees/internally displaced persons. not from Gaza tho. most inspiring when they have such amazing outlook in life despite this and stayed positive and invite laughter in life.... i cant imagine being in your shoes. as a spouse. id have said, snap out of it hubby or something.. hehehe.. out from victim mentality, and go out and do something positive for his people than mope and be upset.. like educate other people about the situation, join in campaigns to bring in food and help, things like that. u know what i mean?

Yes, I've felt this before, that he has a naturally sour outlook. My biggest complaint about him, to him, and my mom, was that he called other people garbage. And psych speaking, it means he really thinks that people CAN be garbage (so maybe HE could be garbage), where I disagree adamently. But I think this (general outlook) is something trained in him, as both he and sister told me that during the 7 days of mourning for his fathers brother.. I was disturbing it by not being solemn the whole time. I suggested things I was doing to make my sorrow heard about people who undergo oppression and large scale violence, which is when he said I don't know anything.

When he said it's just his people that see that, I said what about Iraqi's, Tibetans, Kashmiri's, Sudanese. He simply said it was 'your people's fault and you killed Saddam'. ####### I don't believe in capital punishment EVER. I just cried, because I know if he doesn't know me at all, he can't really love me. So.... here I am again. I married another guy who most likely will not be able to love me no matter what I do or don't do, and I'M depressed. I wish I could help him, but I know it's beyond me.

Ok Thanks, now I AM off to bed.

Peace to All,

Mariah