SO's parents are getting divorced.

[HannahP 119]

I know, it's not exactly visa-related but the people I trust enough IRL to give me advice aren't being terribly helpful. :/

When we went back to Canada for Christmas, his parents announced that after thirty years of marriage, they were getting a divorce. She even has an online boyfriend from Portugal who I guess is immigrating to Canada to be with her (? he looks like Fabio, btw).

My husband was crushed. He's the oldest of the kids and I think he still remembers times when his parents actually seemed to like each other. Although he admits that his parents haven't physically touched each other in a loving manner in nearly a decade. When I first met them, six years ago, it was painfully apparent to me (I come from an overtly dysfunctional family) that the marriage wasn't going to last. But my hubby has this myth of his parents' marriage built up in his head -- they were ALWAYS going to stay married, no matter what, the tension was always due to "something else" like his mother's work schedule or his younger sisters. So yeah, he took it pretty hard.

I feel kind of bad because I couldn't really find the /sympathy/, although I certainly have a lot of empathy because my own parents are divorced. The kids are grown, their divorce is amiable... it's just something that I've been expecting for years now.

He won't really talk about it. But he also, slowly, seems to be understanding that it's for the best. Especially for his poor, hen-pecked father. NOW he's moved on to being very clingy to me, very upset when I don't want to have sex with him. He's asked me quite a few times "We're not going to end up like my parents, are we?" and I don't know whether he means divorced or in a terribly unhappy marriage for many years. I'm doing my best to be very loving and reassuring, but it's simply not getting any better. He doesn't really seem to want to have an in-depth conversation about our future or about how he's feeling over the divorce, shuts down when I try to bring it up.

I just...don't know what to do. Does it just take time? Should I try to impose some realism into how I answer him, "I don't know if we're going to be married forever but I love you very much?"

[trailmix 77]

Hi Hannah,

Sorry to hear about your Husband's parents, for them and for you guys.

Anyway, I hope that what I am about to say does not come off as judgemental or even mean, I don't mean it that way, I'm just going to be honest with what I think about what you have said.

When you said this:

I just...don't know what to do. Does it just take time? Should I try to impose some realism into how I answer him, "I don't know if we're going to be married forever but I love you very much?"

I personally don't think that will be helpful at all. It seems kind of cold to me, although I do realize that is not the way you mean it.

Your Husband isn't asking you to get out the crystal ball when he asks you this (in my opinion) he is asking for your intent - how you feel.

Can you not just tell him that you intend to be married to him forever?

If not, then maybe some of his insecurity (possibly triggered by his parent's divorce) is a feeling he is getting from you - not because of them.

Two other things you mentioned:

"I don't know whether he means divorced or in a terribly unhappy marriage for many years'" (you need to ask him what he means - btw, how do you respond?)

and

"He doesn't really seem to want to have an in-depth conversation about our future or about how he's feeling over the divorce, shuts down when I try to bring it up" (I would lay it out on the table - ie: you keep asking me about our future etc etc and yet you won't talk about it - so when he makes the above comment - whether you two will end up like them - you might want to respond with that).

I wish you all the best.

Edited January 9, 2009 by trailmix

[beans 7]

Wow this is so familiar to me but different. My parents told me that they were getting divorced after 24 years of marriage. I'm the oldest, and I always had this thought that they would be together forever. I found out in July. I asked my fiance the same question (we aren't going to end up like that are we?). Ultimately, it will all pass. My SO never pressed the subject, let me cry when I needed to, just let the conversation flow. Try and stay positive and soon he'll come to realize that his parents aren't you, and that being overly clingy to you won't make your relationship better. He just needs to figure it out in his own head. Best of luck to you both. I'm sorry for your situation.

[HannahP 119]

beans - I'm sorry about your parents. :/ Thank you so much for the encouragement, however! That's what I'm trying to do with him - just be open and comforting. I just hope that time will heal...

trailmix - I've never actually said that to him, although my pragmatic/realistic side tends to butt in from time to time. Right now, I feel that we'll be married until we die and that's what I do tell him; "I love you so much" and I tell him that we're not going to end up like his parents. I know that I should ask what he means but...I don't know if he even knows what he means. Thank you for the: "you keep asking me about our future etc etc and yet you won't talk about it" - that's what has been frustrating me but I didn't know how to verbalize it until you put it into words. I'm definitely going to bring it up like that.

Thanks for the insight guys. It's definitely helping me put everything into perspective.

[Emancipation 2]

Perhaps there is something you could do together to build your relationship and also keep his mind occupied right now? Like taking up a new hobby together, doing something that will serve as a nice physical reminder of your relationship (mind is blank right now but scrapbooking wedding memories, or putting together a collage of your relationship to date).. taking a marriage enrichment course .. something tangible that reminds you both that a relationship takes work and dedication and effort, and gives him a way to actually continue to be proactive..

And don't rule out a counselor for your hubby.. perhaps he just needs someone to talk to.. perhaps just even a few sessions, someone unbiased and outside the situation who can just listen to him.. that may or may not work in your hubby's situation, but I know that guys sometimes need to just get the stuff out.. Trying to think of what I would do with my hubby in the same situation.. take what you think is good from the above, leave the rest

Time will heal.. it's a time of grief for him.. similar to someone dying.. keep that in mind.. he's got to go through the stages of grief... there may be times of denial anger, bargaining many many times before he comes to acceptance..

Edited January 10, 2009 by Emancipation

[MrsCat 6]

Everyone else has given you good advice above, so I don't really have anything to add on that end.

But I do want to say, that things will be hard for him again around the holidays. Things that used to be full family events will now be divided between two parent's places/times. After such a long marriage, I can assure you that he's going to have a hard time with that one, because for the first time he'll feel like he's choosing where and when to give his love.

Good luck to you both.

[CHD 0]

It will take time. Probably lots of it. When I was 22, my parents also announced they were divorcing 1 week before their 25th wedding anniversary, and 1 week after I accused my mother of staying with my father solely for the 25th anniversary party. As you can probably tell by that last bit there, I was not terribly upset or surprised, but was rather quite relieved (I had my reasons). My two brothers, ages 24 and 16 at the time, were, as your husband, completely devastated. As mentioned above, they did indeed go through the stages of grief.

Denial: "They'll be back together soon." "They'll realize that they really do love each other after they've been apart a few days." "This can't last."

Anger: This phase lasted the longest for my eldest brother. About 5 years. He was mostly angry with our mother as she was the one who initiated the divorce. A lot of this anger was also projected at me for my immediate acceptance. I believe I was even accused a few times of purposefully trying to break them up.

Bargaining: My younger brother attempted a lot of bargaining/manipulating. He promised "to pay attention in school" and "stay out of trouble" if they reconsidered, and promised to "move in with mom/dad" and "make you life hell" if they didn't. He spent a lot of time shuffling between the two, depending on who he was less angry with at the time. My older brother never got to have this stage as his anger lasted so long that dad was remarried and mom was engaged by the time he moved on.

Acceptance: Finally everyone realizes that we really are all happier and that someone infallibly running to their room crying within 5 minutes anytime the 5 of us were in the same room together really aren't moments that are missed.

[truckerbob 0]

I know, it's not exactly visa-related but the people I trust enough IRL to give me advice aren't being terribly helpful. :/

When we went back to Canada for Christmas, his parents announced that after thirty years of marriage, they were getting a divorce. She even has an online boyfriend from Portugal who I guess is immigrating to Canada to be with her (? he looks like Fabio, btw).

My husband was crushed. He's the oldest of the kids and I think he still remembers times when his parents actually seemed to like each other. Although he admits that his parents haven't physically touched each other in a loving manner in nearly a decade. When I first met them, six years ago, it was painfully apparent to me (I come from an overtly dysfunctional family) that the marriage wasn't going to last. But my hubby has this myth of his parents' marriage built up in his head -- they were ALWAYS going to stay married, no matter what, the tension was always due to "something else" like his mother's work schedule or his younger sisters. So yeah, he took it pretty hard.

I feel kind of bad because I couldn't really find the /sympathy/, although I certainly have a lot of empathy because my own parents are divorced. The kids are grown, their divorce is amiable... it's just something that I've been expecting for years now.

He won't really talk about it. But he also, slowly, seems to be understanding that it's for the best. Especially for his poor, hen-pecked father. NOW he's moved on to being very clingy to me, very upset when I don't want to have sex with him. He's asked me quite a few times "We're not going to end up like my parents, are we?" and I don't know whether he means divorced or in a terribly unhappy marriage for many years. I'm doing my best to be very loving and reassuring, but it's simply not getting any better. He doesn't really seem to want to have an in-depth conversation about our future or about how he's feeling over the divorce, shuts down when I try to bring it up.

I just...don't know what to do. Does it just take time? Should I try to impose some realism into how I answer him, "I don't know if we're going to be married forever but I love you very much?"

That's too bad but it happens lots. I know I was feeling mighty bad when my wife up and left me ( I didn't even see it coming) and it takes along time to get over it but I did. Your husband will get over it, you just have to give him some time. He must do what I do...don't talk about it and hope it goes away ( I know ladies..believe me I know) and as for what to say..all you have to say is stuff to reasure him.."hope we are married forever". Nothing can be for sure any more. Good Luck

[HannahP 119]

Thank you guys for helping me understand where he's coming from.

His mother moved out last week and he's chatted with both of his parents since then. The biggest change, to him, is how happy his parents sound now that they're separated.

I think he's starting to understand that our relationship is different. We have a lot of love, both physical and emotional, for each other.

Thank you, again!