Second Thoughts

[ThaitoUSA 15]

We've been together almost five years and I've had my second thoughts at points along the way. Looking back now, they were more of temptations to choose an easier or appealing option. We've braved through and are counting the days till we're reunited (this July).

Just the other day she mentioned about the depressed economy and how it might be better for her to stay in her country at her job. This was obviously a fear on her part that she would be unable to gain employment here in America. I assured her that there are plenty of jobs here. "Would you be willing to work at Starbucks?" "Sure!" she replied without hesitation. "Then you will be able to get a job and succeed here." I assured her. It's true that even during America's Great Depression there were page after page of jobs in the newpapers, just jobs that many of the unemployed felt were 'below them.' If you want to work, there is always work available, though it may not be the most satisfying nor creative. She was encouraged by all this and is ready to come on over.

[Koakland 0]

No seconds thoughts from me or my man. We've been together for awhile this is where we are in our lives - time to get married and stop living apart. The K1 process has only made us closer. I have had a few "oh s$%t!! i'm getting married!" moments but that's more excitement than 2nd thoughts. I'm ready. Natural progression in life. I'm happy that we'll finally be in the same place. Ditto to what Gemmie said. And yeah, no way a few government hurdles would keep me from my fiance. And yes, lots of communication is necessary. expectations about life here. I agree to that. talk lots!!!

Edited January 9, 2009 by Koakland

[PB&JAM 1]

Honestly I have. I dont think they were rational thoughts that I was actually preparing to act on, more like a desperate attempt to end the pain i was in, the pain of a long distance relationship. I never thought I'd just find another man, cause I know he's it for me and no guy can compare. but more like, 'i cant handle this...forget it, i'll just live with my cats and be the crazy cat lady'. If you call that rational. I know he's had moments where he thinks i deserve better...whatever that means. But in our right mind we havent had 2nd thoughts. In moments of pain and desperation, yes.

[Sherri and Matt 1]

I have never had second thoughts about him or about our relationship, and he says he never has any second thoughts either. Fears...yes. Sometimes I wonder how long I can take hurting all the time becasue I miss him so much, but what's the alternative? Not having him at all is not an option. There are other fears too, fear about him finding work here that he won't hate, fears about how will handle the culture change long-term, fears about how we will handle situations with the kids (mine...not his). I don't think of these fears as second thoughts though. There is a difference. I am absolutely sure about how we are together, all that other stuff is just bumps in the road. I wonder if sometimes people confuse fears with second thoughts?

[luckytxn 2,264]

I have had no second thoughts at all about the process at all. I knew it would be a pain in the butt and the red tape is always there anytime the government is involved. I have had no second thoughts about my babe at all. She is a great girl and no one can have found a better partner. Getting married is giving me the jitters though. It is not enough to run and hide but knowing that I have been single for 15 years and am very set in my ways now. I wonder how I can accommadate anyone else so thoroughly into my life. Then I look at her pic and smile and just think how great the honeymoon will be and go on.

Edited January 10, 2009 by luckytxn

[TBoneTX 45,267]

Reactions will differ on the basis of the personalities of the couple, si man.

My fiancee-now-wife, for example, is a "real-world" sort -- she needs to use all of her senses to experience the world fully. After I hadn't visited her in a few months, she became (no pun intended) more distant, and she nearly called things off because the relationship wasn't "real" for her. (And, it certainly wasn't -- none of her friends or relatives could quite fathom meeting by Internet and conducting a long-distance relationship.) I made an emergency visit just when it seemed that her feelings for me had irretrievably faded away, and things got better immediately. C. is here, we are married now, and our greatest challenge is looking out for "wedgies" during unguarded moments. Your own experience may conform or differ, si man!

Yes, USCIS and the infernal waiting both suck. However, with the wisdom of hindsight, I can say that I had no clue what true TORMENT was until we reached the consular stage. Few people here have experienced deeper depths of HELL than dealing with the rogue, ####### consulate in Guayaquil, Ecuador (read my post signature below). It has been months since the visa was finally issued, and three months to the day since C. entered the U.S., and I remain completely livid. Other couples, both on & off VJ, continue to be abused and genuinely hosed; I'm counseling several, and sharing their visceral pain now is almost as torturous as experiencing it again for myself. No immigration attorney can fathom the stories, either. I will write an after-visa complaint to the Department of State (once the new administration settles in) and to the worthless Consul General down there. My intention will be to be both blunt and polite, but I will likely not achieve the latter.

You may not believe it now, but USCIS (described to me by my Congressman's aide as "our very worst" Federal agency, back when I was seeking movement during the incompetent bureaucracy of the K-1 process) is a DREAM compared to that ####### consulate. After just having filed for AOS/EAD/AP in mid-December, I can state that it's a (gag, aack, choke) relief to deal with USCIS again, in comparison with that rogue consulate.

So, please hang in there, and do whatever it takes to maintain or strengthen your relationship, si man.

Thought for the Day: He who has no eyeballs in his rear end completely lacks hindsight, si man.

Edited January 10, 2009 by TBoneTX

[Ellie-and-David 38]

I think doubts are normal.

Unless you truly hate everything in your home country, there is always going to be some tear....mine is my family. I'll miss my mum terribly.

I remember, about 2 months ago we had a huge fight. And i pulled the card "I'm giving up my LIFE to be with you" (Yeah, i can be a REAL piece of work sometimes) and it shocked him into submission. Then I went away and thought about it. Thought about what a complete cow I had been during that argument....and I apologised to him.

I may be giving up my life, but he is giving up his to. With the added responsibility of having to look after me. I am really self-sufficient...but yes...he would have this responsibility toward me...to make it easy, and right. Because of everything I had sacrificed. For him.

I hate being apart from Dave, but in a way I am glad the process takes time (yeah right, ask me that in 7 months when my app is still stuck in Vermont) because it allows me to be realistic and reflect on what I am about to do. And prepare. But for some people....this is a time of doubt..to much time on their hands.

Doubts are very normal. Unless this person is your WHOLE world in every sense, there are always going to be things that make you question whether what you are doing is right.

But like gemmie said, the alternative is to be without. And thinking about that makes me feel sick.

[braveheart1 0]

Tankgurl, second thoughts are natural, especially for the person moving country. Leaving employment, family, friends and all that you've known isn't easy and when you're in the 'romantic'-lets-pull-together-K1-process, the reality doesn't hit until the visa package is in your hands, then the reality hits. Lets face it, the person moving has more to lose if things don't work out. Life continues for the person whose still in their home country, job, home and everything else in tact. For a lot of people they are basing a lifetime on one or a handful of 'holiday' meetings, a massive risk.

Moving country was harder than I thought it would be...

[Tankgurl38 0]

It is actually the my SO who is in the US who is having second thoughts.

I am crushed that now that we are so close to finally getting the NOA2 that all of a sudden he is thinking this way.

This should be an exciting time because finally the long distance relationship is getting closer to being over and we can just be together. So far with his news of the thoughts he is having, this is not so exciting.

God I hope this is just a mental phase he has to get through, cuz the thought of if it is something he can't get through totally breaks my heart.

[Old Dominion 26]

Can the two of you arrange to get together somewhere in-between for a short holiday?

[Tankgurl38 0]

I just got home from visiting him for Christmas last Sunday.