long distance relationship

[Mephys 2]

Kinda new myself to the board, and gathering informations for my K-1 application. Just a little note regarding long distance relationships.

I can say im lucky myself as I am living in Montreal and my boyfriend is currently in Chicago. We are only a 2 hours flight apart. What is killing us right now is that we have an additional delay, patiently waiting for him to obtain his divorce papers. Only then our K-1 will be on its way. But we met in december 2004, have been intensively speaking through msn webcam for a year now. And I am talking about an average of 8 hours a day. And we are even leaving the webcam open at night now so that we can say good morning when we wake up (ok, any other people having this webcam dependance issue? ) This on top of the 4-5 e-mails/day and lucky us, we both have access to free long distance call at work so, we are calling each other every break time and lunch time. We have seen each other 6 times so far.

So here's my advice. A long distance relationship can involve a lot of time spent in front of a computer, getting to a point where all my friends are saying that I am pathetic. My social life has been on hold for a little while. But all this time spent is what keeps me going through this long process. When i hear his voice I know its true. It aint easy to be apart from the person you love like this and you gotta be ready to feel depressed a little more often that you could expected. Some days are more hard than others. But I know its worthed, and I would do it again if I had to just because I know its the right person for me and I would give anything to make it happen. And ok, even if I am crying often, I am still the most happy person in the world knowing that somebody that truly loves me is somewhere waiting for me.

And for all the people on this forum, I'm happy to have found people that can truly understand me, cause it seems like a lot of people out there have no clue on how its hard to get through his process. Thanks a lot for the support!

Mephys

[idocare 3]

Hello Uchegirl and welcome to the boards !!!

Seems like you did get alot of good advice. One of the things I now realize is that sometime you get so so involved with getting your loved one here, that you do forget to focus on your relationship, I believe someone here already said that.

One thing that some don't understand with a distance relationship is that you could be who ever you want to be, somebody once told me that one of their friends from another country wanted to get his family to America so bad, that he and his wife would sit together while looking for someone to scam into marriage, knowing that once that man got to America, married the USC then divorcing later after the greencard has been issued, he'd be free to send for his real family. He could remarry his wife and petition for his family to come.

We all take risk when it comes to long distance dating, because you really don't know that particular person and going out to their country and spending 2 or 3 weeks won't let you tell if it's really genuine love that they feel for you, or if they are treating you good because they would love to come into america and your just one of the requirements for them getting here. Not to mention all the warm-hearted Americans that start sending money/gifts to their new found fiances. Sometimes we romantic Americans trust so much that before you know it you have fully furnished your fiances trip to America including the immigration paperwork that both of you have to file, thus giving him a free trip to America ( because you don't want your husband oweing nobody back home money for helping him get his own tickett, after all you are his fiance.) Now-a-days people that could never afford to come into this country are here courtesy of a computer and their aggressive loving American fiance.

What we need to take the time and think out is what if the relationship is not what you thought it would be, and this person is slowly changing into a nitemare which seems to be progressing as the month go on, starting with little clashes, Oh I know some of us Americans aren't worried about that besides you and your fiance had worse arguments over the phone, or during your visits together so what the heck, go on and marry your spouse within the ninty day period if you didn't pay your money to go down there to marry.

Now you think you have it going on. You have your new marriage and can't nobody tell you nothing, you can't wait to file that AOS for your new attentive spouse and they have done a good job of telling you that they would really like to get their statis so that they could work and the both of you can travel back home, so what do us Loving Americans do ? we apply for the adjustment spending more of our money, however as the months go on and the difference's of oppinions increase between you and your spouse you kinda forget about the paperwork that's still pushing thru the system because your spouse is there with you, you may admit to the difference's of oppinion seem to be increasing but you rationalize that by saying were just getting used to each other, heck we used to argue over the phone before they got here but they told you that they would not never leave you, and you believe them. Your interview date comes for the AOS and you all pass Visa is now in their hands.

This around the time that most will find out if Marrying someone outside the country is a rational thing to do, some relationships will change for the better, because your spouse will appreciate all that you have done for them, or you all will begin getting into yelling arguments and your spouse will start moving out of the house because in their mind your just not a reasonable person, they may come back to worry you more and to draw their American spouse into deeper arguments ( and if they get really lucky and your argument becomes physical they will be so so happy to collect that report and save it for a rainy day, especially if they can send their American spouse to jail claiming that you beat them up)

Years have passed and your" spouse for life" has decided that he'd be better off away from you because you harrass and treat him badly ( no matter how good you treated them) it's too late, they say that you are abrusive and they no longer want the marriaage, heck some just leave you while your at work.

Your left to reflect on all the monies that you spent sending the family gifts out of the kindness of your heart, and all the money you spent on your spouse, the stress of the visa journey and now they have the nerve to up and leave claiming that your the abrusive one, all the while it's them that started most of the dissagreements, then turned it around and claimed it was you. What can you do about it ? Nothing much. They have their greencard courtesy of you, they got a free ride into America courtesy of you, and what do you get in return STRESS.

So uchegirl, really get to know your new found friend some kind of way. The man you met just might be sincere, and you all may thrive well together and build a strong relationship or marriage. But the simple fact is us kind hearted Americans are so kind that we may not realize that we have been scammed until way after the marriage has ended and your spouse and his greencard are gone out of your life for good. That's the risk of a long distance relationship in my opinion.

[uchegirl 0]

hello vj members

i read all the posts about the long distant relationship. i see that vj members are really up on giving good advice. i was glad for that because all advice was appreciated and taken very seriously. well my guy(uchenna) and i are still doing the online dating stuff. lately i have been so involved with the internet and our chats that i havent really had time to do much of anything else.

I will continue to chat, email, and phone him. I really like this guy. I think Im falling for him. Im so excited. We havent talked much about the visa processes or anything like that. Just mainly talking about us and our families. I think I will do as most of you said and just take my time. I don't want to rush into anything. Thanks again for all the advice. Im glad to be a part of the vj family.

Uchegirl

[Optimystic 0]

Hello Uchegirl and welcome to the boards !!!

Seems like you did get alot of good advice. One of the things I now realize is that sometime you get so so involved with getting your loved one here, that you do forget to focus on your relationship, I believe someone here already said that.

One thing that some don't understand with a distance relationship is that you could be who ever you want to be, somebody once told me that one of their friends from another country wanted to get his family to America so bad, that he and his wife would sit together while looking for someone to scam into marriage, knowing that once that man got to America, married the USC then divorcing later after the greencard has been issued, he'd be free to send for his real family. He could remarry his wife and petition for his family to come.

We all take risk when it comes to long distance dating, because you really don't know that particular person and going out to their country and spending 2 or 3 weeks won't let you tell if it's really genuine love that they feel for you, or if they are treating you good because they would love to come into america and your just one of the requirements for them getting here. Not to mention all the warm-hearted Americans that start sending money/gifts to their new found fiances. Sometimes we romantic Americans trust so much that before you know it you have fully furnished your fiances trip to America including the immigration paperwork that both of you have to file, thus giving him a free trip to America ( because you don't want your husband oweing nobody back home money for helping him get his own tickett, after all you are his fiance.) Now-a-days people that could never afford to come into this country are here courtesy of a computer and their aggressive loving American fiance.

What we need to take the time and think out is what if the relationship is not what you thought it would be, and this person is slowly changing into a nitemare which seems to be progressing as the month go on, starting with little clashes, Oh I know some of us Americans aren't worried about that besides you and your fiance had worse arguments over the phone, or during your visits together so what the heck, go on and marry your spouse within the ninty day period if you didn't pay your money to go down there to marry.

Now you think you have it going on. You have your new marriage and can't nobody tell you nothing, you can't wait to file that AOS for your new attentive spouse and they have done a good job of telling you that they would really like to get their statis so that they could work and the both of you can travel back home, so what do us Loving Americans do ? we apply for the adjustment spending more of our money, however as the months go on and the difference's of oppinions increase between you and your spouse you kinda forget about the paperwork that's still pushing thru the system because your spouse is there with you, you may admit to the difference's of oppinion seem to be increasing but you rationalize that by saying were just getting used to each other, heck we used to argue over the phone before they got here but they told you that they would not never leave you, and you believe them. Your interview date comes for the AOS and you all pass Visa is now in their hands.

This around the time that most will find out if Marrying someone outside the country is a rational thing to do, some relationships will change for the better, because your spouse will appreciate all that you have done for them, or you all will begin getting into yelling arguments and your spouse will start moving out of the house because in their mind your just not a reasonable person, they may come back to worry you more and to draw their American spouse into deeper arguments ( and if they get really lucky and your argument becomes physical they will be so so happy to collect that report and save it for a rainy day, especially if they can send their American spouse to jail claiming that you beat them up)

Years have passed and your" spouse for life" has decided that he'd be better off away from you because you harrass and treat him badly ( no matter how good you treated them) it's too late, they say that you are abrusive and they no longer want the marriaage, heck some just leave you while your at work.

Your left to reflect on all the monies that you spent sending the family gifts out of the kindness of your heart, and all the money you spent on your spouse, the stress of the visa journey and now they have the nerve to up and leave claiming that your the abrusive one, all the while it's them that started most of the dissagreements, then turned it around and claimed it was you. What can you do about it ? Nothing much. They have their greencard courtesy of you, they got a free ride into America courtesy of you, and what do you get in return STRESS.

So uchegirl, really get to know your new found friend some kind of way. The man you met just might be sincere, and you all may thrive well together and build a strong relationship or marriage. But the simple fact is us kind hearted Americans are so kind that we may not realize that we have been scammed until way after the marriage has ended and your spouse and his greencard are gone out of your life for good. That's the risk of a long distance relationship in my opinion.

For the most part I agree. The scenario is sad, but true.... True that the marriage may be fraudulent, and sad in the sense that most people don't discover it until after the green card has been issued... Hindsight is always 20/20. But like you said, thats the major risk factor with falling in love with someone from another country. For the original poster, one thing to bear in mind is that no relationship is ever garaunteed whether you choose to date within the boundaries of your nation or not. But one thing I will say is that the losses are much more greater when you choose to date an intending immigrant and decide to bring him/her to the U.S. Not only is the seperation stressful, but the financial arena (petition fees, shipping costs for forwarding documents, preparing & gathering documents for the interview, and interminable waiting period for the interview that you probably would encounter.)can be costly. I think you have to determine if you deem this person worthy of your time, money, and efforts and if the answer is yes, should he come into the U.S. and things don't work out for the best, can you deal with that and move forward??? The risk is high and the answer may be yes for now, but in the end you may have some serious regrets... But its a risky chance with no gaurentees, that you and only you can decide to take. Just take it slowwwwwwwwwwww I can't stress that enough. Because yes, there are some of my VJ friends that went through hell and didn't make it after the reunion, but there are others that have some really good success stories.

Remember you have our support! I pray the best for you in whatever decision you make. If it works-GREAT! If it doesn't,hold your head up and keep on moving. Most of us won't shake our fingers at you, rub your face in the mud, and say, "Umhhhhh you see I told ya so!!!!" I give anybody their props that can get through this process and manage to keep their sanity, be it good or bad.

BTW Idocare,

I seen in your timeline that you rescheduled the AOS appt. did you manage to get the divorce papers filed before he received his green card? Does he or his family have any interaction with your son?

[idocare 3]

I didn't never go thru with an interview for my husband, however I did file on his behalf, Currently we are dealing with our divorce issues, as we have a child involved, things are getting quite sticky. Our child just had his first birthday. His statis as far as I know is still pending.

[idocare 3]

Oh, one more thing, we do take chances when we marry out of country me, I guess the difference is when you marry and USC and your from the US you dont have issue of green-card and being used in that way, you only have a issuse in being used.....LOL.......

As for my husbands case with immigration I can't comment on it as It's now his case with them, and I have NOTHING to do with his case, so I can not comment just to say that he and I now have 2 different visa journeys.

[jms 0]

Hello Uchegirl and welcome to the boards !!!

Seems like you did get alot of good advice. One of the things I now realize is that sometime you get so so involved with getting your loved one here, that you do forget to focus on your relationship, I believe someone here already said that.

One thing that some don't understand with a distance relationship is that you could be who ever you want to be, somebody once told me that one of their friends from another country wanted to get his family to America so bad, that he and his wife would sit together while looking for someone to scam into marriage, knowing that once that man got to America, married the USC then divorcing later after the greencard has been issued, he'd be free to send for his real family. He could remarry his wife and petition for his family to come.

We all take risk when it comes to long distance dating, because you really don't know that particular person and going out to their country and spending 2 or 3 weeks won't let you tell if it's really genuine love that they feel for you, or if they are treating you good because they would love to come into america and your just one of the requirements for them getting here. Not to mention all the warm-hearted Americans that start sending money/gifts to their new found fiances. Sometimes we romantic Americans trust so much that before you know it you have fully furnished your fiances trip to America including the immigration paperwork that both of you have to file, thus giving him a free trip to America ( because you don't want your husband oweing nobody back home money for helping him get his own tickett, after all you are his fiance.) Now-a-days people that could never afford to come into this country are here courtesy of a computer and their aggressive loving American fiance.

What we need to take the time and think out is what if the relationship is not what you thought it would be, and this person is slowly changing into a nitemare which seems to be progressing as the month go on, starting with little clashes, Oh I know some of us Americans aren't worried about that besides you and your fiance had worse arguments over the phone, or during your visits together so what the heck, go on and marry your spouse within the ninty day period if you didn't pay your money to go down there to marry.

Now you think you have it going on. You have your new marriage and can't nobody tell you nothing, you can't wait to file that AOS for your new attentive spouse and they have done a good job of telling you that they would really like to get their statis so that they could work and the both of you can travel back home, so what do us Loving Americans do ? we apply for the adjustment spending more of our money, however as the months go on and the difference's of oppinions increase between you and your spouse you kinda forget about the paperwork that's still pushing thru the system because your spouse is there with you, you may admit to the difference's of oppinion seem to be increasing but you rationalize that by saying were just getting used to each other, heck we used to argue over the phone before they got here but they told you that they would not never leave you, and you believe them. Your interview date comes for the AOS and you all pass Visa is now in their hands.

This around the time that most will find out if Marrying someone outside the country is a rational thing to do, some relationships will change for the better, because your spouse will appreciate all that you have done for them, or you all will begin getting into yelling arguments and your spouse will start moving out of the house because in their mind your just not a reasonable person, they may come back to worry you more and to draw their American spouse into deeper arguments ( and if they get really lucky and your argument becomes physical they will be so so happy to collect that report and save it for a rainy day, especially if they can send their American spouse to jail claiming that you beat them up)

Years have passed and your" spouse for life" has decided that he'd be better off away from you because you harrass and treat him badly ( no matter how good you treated them) it's too late, they say that you are abrusive and they no longer want the marriaage, heck some just leave you while your at work.

Your left to reflect on all the monies that you spent sending the family gifts out of the kindness of your heart, and all the money you spent on your spouse, the stress of the visa journey and now they have the nerve to up and leave claiming that your the abrusive one, all the while it's them that started most of the dissagreements, then turned it around and claimed it was you. What can you do about it ? Nothing much. They have their greencard courtesy of you, they got a free ride into America courtesy of you, and what do you get in return STRESS.

So uchegirl, really get to know your new found friend some kind of way. The man you met just might be sincere, and you all may thrive well together and build a strong relationship or marriage. But the simple fact is us kind hearted Americans are so kind that we may not realize that we have been scammed until way after the marriage has ended and your spouse and his greencard are gone out of your life for good. That's the risk of a long distance relationship in my opinion.

[jms 0]

You must have had a very bad experience and you are right, one must be very careful expecially with men in countries with such poverty and despair. However, we take chances whether we meet our spouses here or around the world. There is always a chance of that initial true love not lasting or being one-sided. Why else would the divorce rate be so high in this country? I would never advise anyone to go to Nigeria and marry someone after a short time of knowing them. My fiance and I have known each other for 5 years and talk more in a month than most couples probably do in a year when they live together. Although we have only spent an actual total of a few months together, I feel we know each other better than we know ourselves. Still, there is that small nagging fear that we are making a possible mistake (on my side). Even though I love him with all my heart and have no doubt that he would die for me and will always love me regardless of what the future holds. He is Igbo also and is closr to his family but holds his own ideas and beliefs. He is very religious and God is most important in his life. He adheres all the people he sees in his country who seem strong in their faith but act otherwise. I hope everyone on this board is happy forever in their relationships, but it takes alot of communication and giving on both sides. I'm sorry for whatever you went through and I'm sure everyone appreciates your sharing your experience with this board in hopes of helping others from going through anything similar. Good luck to you in finding that special person and remember you are a special person yourself!!!

Hello Uchegirl and welcome to the boards !!!

Seems like you did get alot of good advice. One of the things I now realize is that sometime you get so so involved with getting your loved one here, that you do forget to focus on your relationship, I believe someone here already said that.

One thing that some don't understand with a distance relationship is that you could be who ever you want to be, somebody once told me that one of their friends from another country wanted to get his family to America so bad, that he and his wife would sit together while looking for someone to scam into marriage, knowing that once that man got to America, married the USC then divorcing later after the greencard has been issued, he'd be free to send for his real family. He could remarry his wife and petition for his family to come.

We all take risk when it comes to long distance dating, because you really don't know that particular person and going out to their country and spending 2 or 3 weeks won't let you tell if it's really genuine love that they feel for you, or if they are treating you good because they would love to come into america and your just one of the requirements for them getting here. Not to mention all the warm-hearted Americans that start sending money/gifts to their new found fiances. Sometimes we romantic Americans trust so much that before you know it you have fully furnished your fiances trip to America including the immigration paperwork that both of you have to file, thus giving him a free trip to America ( because you don't want your husband oweing nobody back home money for helping him get his own tickett, after all you are his fiance.) Now-a-days people that could never afford to come into this country are here courtesy of a computer and their aggressive loving American fiance.

What we need to take the time and think out is what if the relationship is not what you thought it would be, and this person is slowly changing into a nitemare which seems to be progressing as the month go on, starting with little clashes, Oh I know some of us Americans aren't worried about that besides you and your fiance had worse arguments over the phone, or during your visits together so what the heck, go on and marry your spouse within the ninty day period if you didn't pay your money to go down there to marry.

Now you think you have it going on. You have your new marriage and can't nobody tell you nothing, you can't wait to file that AOS for your new attentive spouse and they have done a good job of telling you that they would really like to get their statis so that they could work and the both of you can travel back home, so what do us Loving Americans do ? we apply for the adjustment spending more of our money, however as the months go on and the difference's of oppinions increase between you and your spouse you kinda forget about the paperwork that's still pushing thru the system because your spouse is there with you, you may admit to the difference's of oppinion seem to be increasing but you rationalize that by saying were just getting used to each other, heck we used to argue over the phone before they got here but they told you that they would not never leave you, and you believe them. Your interview date comes for the AOS and you all pass Visa is now in their hands.

This around the time that most will find out if Marrying someone outside the country is a rational thing to do, some relationships will change for the better, because your spouse will appreciate all that you have done for them, or you all will begin getting into yelling arguments and your spouse will start moving out of the house because in their mind your just not a reasonable person, they may come back to worry you more and to draw their American spouse into deeper arguments ( and if they get really lucky and your argument becomes physical they will be so so happy to collect that report and save it for a rainy day, especially if they can send their American spouse to jail claiming that you beat them up)

Years have passed and your" spouse for life" has decided that he'd be better off away from you because you harrass and treat him badly ( no matter how good you treated them) it's too late, they say that you are abrusive and they no longer want the marriaage, heck some just leave you while your at work.

Your left to reflect on all the monies that you spent sending the family gifts out of the kindness of your heart, and all the money you spent on your spouse, the stress of the visa journey and now they have the nerve to up and leave claiming that your the abrusive one, all the while it's them that started most of the dissagreements, then turned it around and claimed it was you. What can you do about it ? Nothing much. They have their greencard courtesy of you, they got a free ride into America courtesy of you, and what do you get in return STRESS.

So uchegirl, really get to know your new found friend some kind of way. The man you met just might be sincere, and you all may thrive well together and build a strong relationship or marriage. But the simple fact is us kind hearted Americans are so kind that we may not realize that we have been scammed until way after the marriage has ended and your spouse and his greencard are gone out of your life for good. That's the risk of a long distance relationship in my opinion.

[Nkybaby 0]

Uche for Uchenna...or many other names with Uche being short...

Well for starters I don't know where you are in your relationship right now...but for starters it is quite common to see an African man say he loves you quickly...even in person...but you have to believe in your heart what's true...Imagine when a child is born you love it...and though only carrying that child for 9 months you have gathered a bond...but you gathering a bond with a little person that you have never seen before in person until you give birth...

Interesting...HUH...Well I was born here in the US and one parent is Nigerian and the other is American and I was bought up in the American culture...However, due to friends...and interacting...also in my Nigerian/African culture as well...

So maybe if I hadn't experienced it first hand I would say the guy is nuts...

But a geniune african man is taught to date or be seen in public with someone who is at high standards to be a wife...However, men are men so it doesn't mean that they aren't just seeing any girl before they decide to settle down with their other half...

I learned to spend more time now days figuring myself out...more than the other person...because 9 times out of 10 we know a person ways as time progressed and we tend to ignore certain things to spare our feelings...good and bad...

Take care and remain blessed!!!!!!!

hi all

im new to this site. i met a guy online a few weeks ago in a chatroom and he is from nigeria. we have been chatting everyday and emailing each other. we have talked on the phone also a few times. i like this guy a whole lot and am really starting diggin him. it's pretty cool. he has already told me he loves me and it just surprises me that he did already. i just want to know if this internet dating really works and if it does how do you handle the distance between the 2 of you.

[Nkybaby 0]

Greetings...Queen...in Igbo we would call you Ezenwanyi=Queen...I'm Nigerian-American born raised in the US

Do you still talk to you friend in Nigeria?...Well no one can predict what life brings and life is worth taking risk...However, I understand your plight...but girl my cousin just came back from Nigeria...and she looks 10 years younger...the food is so fresh and healthy...Being there is like being in the US...you can be in parts that look like Hollywood and you can also end up in parts that look like the hood...However, I incourage people to go see that eye of the world...God is everywhere...and if the opportunity permits go see the other side of the world...you will never forget it...

And you never know how life works...you all may meet at the cornerstone again...

READ MARK 11:24 NIV....It is the truth indeed...just have faith and believe...

Hello, I am both a believer and non-believer in this long distance relationship thing. Back in 2004, I met by total accident a man I would still marry 10 yrs. from now if things were different.

We just stopped communications this April and it was not an easy task. For us the hardest part of being apart was finding a way to come together. Him being from Nigeria getting a visit visa was almost impossible, I am a single mother and didn't want to risk traveling so far away from my daughter, so after years of trying to find every loop hole in the INS system I decided it was time to start living my life here in the U.S. and not in front of a computer reaching out to Nigeria.

The man I met was WONDERFUL!! His family was very warm and open to me as well (they even sent me the money for my airfare to come to Nigeria) and if circumstances were different I'd be his wife today.

I can't really say to you that the journey you are about to enter into will be an easy one, though I wish I could. But rather give it some time...get a feel for him, his beliefs, how he will/would react to certain situations, and most importantly be honest and prepared for a long battle and possibly a trip overseas. There are just as many honest people in Nigeria as there are scammers and its hard to know the difference. My only hope is that your man is a great as the one I had and had to let go. As it has been said before:

A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where are they going to live?

Best of luck,

Ugo

[ursy 0]

But sooner or later, they no longer comes on this site, why?....b/c they are not so hapyy and joyous anymore. Things have fallen apart and basically I think it's b/c they never really took the time to get to know that person in the first place and they just rushed into it...all in the name of LOVE!!!

Sweetee

I know several VJ'ers that still come to the site, yet prefer to send pm's for varied reasons. Chile, I was too happy to leave the site and get on with life after my hubby came. Those in my circle had already been briefed of my plans to go M.I.A.

I think it's fair to say that most people come here to get valuable information. Some, on the other hand come here for daily social commentary. If you already have gathered the information you need to scoot you along through the process, and you have a fulfilling social life outside of VJ, then there really isn't much reason to come back, expecpt to maybe pop in occassionally and say hello.

Once the mission is accomplished (visa issuance), the purpose of this site has been served. Keep it moving and get on with life is my motto

Sure, we all have a moral responsibility to give back-share info. But have you noticed how this is a continuous cycle? Some old schooler's leave (or like you mentioned before change their screen names), and newbies stumble onto the board.

Thanks to everyone for the archived messages, these provide so many answers to all of those questions that our newbie's have.

Thanks Livi for the Naijasisterhood! This is the place to be

Optimystic,

I am confused????So why is the Naijasister hood the place to be ? Isn't it mainly "sisters" sharing information and their experiences? or just "social commentary" related to the visa journey or life in general? I don't know but maybe I am missing something????????????????????????????????????????

[NaijaPrincess Need NaijaPrince 0]

Ok....my turn!!! My husband did the same thing to me when we met online. First he asked if we could be bf/gf, then later he started telling me he love me. I would tell him overtime I love him just for kicks. It was not until a (Ghanan)friend of mine asked me "Do you think he is playing with you when he says that?" And I started to think about it. What if this man does love me and I miss out on my true soul mate? So I started to really pay close attention to him. Of course, guys in Naija sit on the internet hoping to meet a lovely American. Who doesn't want to come to America? America is suppose to be the greatest place on Earth. I would make sure that I see him on webcam 1st bcoz I know that some people would use pictures of white guys and talk to white women in UK and US. They would get them to send money, clothing, electronics and all sorts of things to them.

Eventually, I would suggest that if you feel comfortable enough with him go visit him. What part of Nigeria does he live in? Get with some friends that are from Nigeria and have them to do some "investigating" for you. That way you will know what you are up against. The Niaja friends will help you with navaigating you way around there. As for me, I had a personal contact there that was visiting family and he kept tabs on me. I just went with blind faith all by myself and fell more & more in love once being with him. It was so hard to say good bye. It was not my plan to marry him but things have a way of working itself out. If you LOVE Nigeria as much as I did, move there (if it is possible). This way you will not be apart. Time is so precious especially dealing with the US Embassy in Nigeria. As for me, I have a son in school and it would be VERY hard for him to get use to the traditions and culture.

Go! Go!! GO!!!! You will love dat place!

hi all

im new to this site. i met a guy online a few weeks ago in a chatroom and he is from nigeria. we have been chatting everyday and emailing each other. we have talked on the phone also a few times. i like this guy a whole lot and am really starting diggin him. it's pretty cool. he has already told me he loves me and it just surprises me that he did already. i just want to know if this internet dating really works and if it does how do you handle the distance between the 2 of you.

[southernchic 0]

WEll...long distance relationships do work. But I can't comment about meeting someon online since my husband and I met in person. Things that were helpful for us in making the long distance work were daily emails, talking on the phone, and IM with the webcam. He was actively invovled with my work in giving me advice and encouragement and I would help him write sermons and encourage him with his work with the youth. We had to deal with a 12 hour time difference and being seperated for 9 months was hard.

My personal opinion is that its better to have them come to the US as a fiance--wait out the 2 or 3 months--and then get married. I personally don't think that I would have handled very well the married and separated bit. Waiting to get married once he's here--gives you both a chance to adjust a bit before youa ctually get married.

Like Sweetee said, a year is a good time to get to know someone. My husband and I had met and married in 13 months. There weren't any big suprises once he got here. The things we fought about before are the same things we still fight over now. The more time you give it, the more time you can figure out what these things are. Provided, of course, that you are both honest with each other.

My husband has almost been here a year. I have no regrets and though hard at times, it is a really wonderful thing.

I think it's smart to come here and to ask questions before you get too involved in a LDR. There are tons of people who've done it the right way and some who've made a few mistakes along the way. I met my husband in person but mainly our relationship was LDR. The challenge of the LDR is that the everyday things about relationships are hard to see from a distance. In an in-person relationship you can't see the look on someone's face or you don't always REALLY know how your SO will respond to challenging situations. Also when you visit your man in his country, he's in control. He knows what's going on around him. When people move to another country, you WILL see a different part of their personality -- esp. if they are accustomed to being in control.

My husband and I emailed or chatting almost every single day for two years. I asked tons of questions that I was supposed to ask. He's been here for six months and its been rough.

I encourage you to continue with your own journey. Pay attention to the details. Visit him as often as you can. If things work out, which they can, bring him here as a fiance. Contrary to conventional wisdom, LDR can work but they are also risky because of the distance. Good luck.

[cessna_inspiron 0]

As it has been said before:

A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where are they going to live?

Ugo, it's funny that you should say this because it was one of the very first things that I said to my husband when we started getting serious in our online chats and phone conversations. It was one of the first things we had to figure out before we even decided to get married. We felt we needed to figure it out before either one of us got any more emotionally involved. We both had a similar experience to Jivi in that we knew within a few days of meeting that God was bringing us together. So we cut right to the chase to figure out where this bird and fish were going to live and how we were going to get to that point. We at first decided that we would live in Nigeria but as time went on and we got to know each other better, we felt that Nigeria was not where we were supposed to be at this point in our lives. Someday, maybe, but not now. So we started the long and difficult visa journey. We met in November 2004 and were married on my first trip to Nigeria in March 2005. We spent the first nine months of our marriage separated while we waited for the visa to come through. Was it tough? YES!!! Has it been worth every second of loneliness, sadness, frustration and having to listen to other people's rude comments? YES!!! I do not regret my decision at all. Stephen has been here for six months now and we are very happy together. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. What surprised me was that once he arrived in the U.S., it seemed like the nine months we spent apart were just a few brief weeks. With time, you forget how painful it was to be apart from each other.

My advice would be: 1. Keep your eyes WIDE open before marriage. Really try to evaluate his characteristics and qualities (good and bad) with your mind and not your heart. 2. Read through some of the stories here on VJ, especially those from us who have significant others from Nigeria. Then put some serious, soul-searching thought into whether you can handle the ups and downs of the visa journey. Are you willing to fly halfway around the world to meet him and spend time with him in Nigeria? In order to get the visa, you will need to. It is near impossible to get a visitors visa from the Lagos embassy to allow him to come here to meet you. So you gonna have to go there. 3. If you decide that you are up for the challenge, then get connected and stay connected to friends and family that really support you in your relationship and those that can support you through the visa journey. This website may be the only place you can find friends to support you through the journey. If that's the case, stay connected to those of us here. It really helps you stay sane if you can come here to vent about immigration or get some answers to the bumps in the road. 4. Listen to what your brain says about him and about your relationship and follow your heart. If your brain and your heart are in sync about which way to go, you're headed in the right direction!

Now, all that is my 2 cents (which may or may not be worth that much) but it's what I have to offer today. Hope something I said helps. Good luck! It may very well be the most important decision you ever make---so make it carefully.

Take care

Molly

####### is this all about? Goddamn what's so wrong with Nigeria? Hell I'm not from Nigeria, never been there and don't really wanna go there without a valid cause but let me tell you something. It's not hard to get US visitor's visa from Nigeria. If the intending visitor can show real and proper documents and can prove that he has real and strong intention to come back to Nigeria after his US visit and satisfy the visa officer, the process will not be painful at all. The intending tourist has to learn the inner intricacies and go by the law and respect each and every single part of the visa he is applying for. I'm from Bangladesh and I have travelled to 27 countries (10 of them include world's greatest first-world countries) on tourist visa and I'm a tourist in the USA too and I have visited USA multiple times. And I don't wanna talk about other countries I have travelled to because doing so would unnecessarily broaden this post.

If you are a nigerian and want to visit USA or any country, please find out a valid and fruitful reason as to why you would do it. If you want to visit NYC and enjoy a night in strip clubs in Manhattan, just say it in your interview and show them appropriate documents regarding your passion towards strip clubs, why you want to visit one, why you can't visit one in Nigeria and why you would love a lap dance from a white-skinned blondie. Be yourself but at the same time talk logically. Talk about how badly you wanted to visit Disneyland when your dad told you about it in your childhood and tell them (you better rehearse and video-tape the whole thing using a video camera and modify your lecture to suit their need.) why you must come back after visiting these awesome places of interest that America has to offer. Tell them that you would make a video documentary of your whole journey and come back and live to tale the world about it. There are just so many ways of success.

Remember Nigerians, many of these people are trying to establish the fact that it's hard for anyone in Nigeria to get a tourist visa. But I have seen people from Iraq and Afghanistan come here on tourist visa and some of them even became immigrants later through honest means. Also remember that wheather or not you get a tourist visa, before denying you, they will ask you to present yourself in the interview. When you are stepping towards the visa officer, it's like you're approaching him. In aviation, there is thing called 'approach' and it's mostly used to refer to what a pilot does to properly line his aircraft up with the runway from several miles of distance and several feet of altitude. If his air speed, flaps configuration and other stuffs are alright and by the book, he will make a smooth landing usually. But do you know what happens when he fails to stay accurate during his final approach? He either corrects his mistakes pretty swiftly before the whole approach goes haywire or simply goes around and comes back for another attempt at making a perfect approach.

Your interview with the visa officer is similar to an approach like the one i have mentioned above. This is life and whenever you want to achieve success in complicated stuffs such as flying and immigration and visas, you will have to be careful, educated, down-to-earth and really know what you're doing and what happens for exactly what reason. I wish you all the best with achieving your dreams.

[cessna_inspiron 0]

P.S. I have never relied on a woman to visit any country. That would be simply too lame. If you are a man, then be it. It's easy to be a woman, but not a man. If you are a real man, be strong enough to stay on your own and achieve your goals by relying on your own power, education, money and wit. Falling in love with a woman in the internet and acting like 'oh my god I'm in Nigeria and you're in the US and I love you so much and I will kill myself to satisfy you' while thinking to yourself 'oh if she falls for it and comes to Nigeria and helps me flee from this hell I would be so grateful damn' is the most lamest thing you could ever do! Most of the times you will not be successful.