long distance relationship

[uchegirl 0]

hi all

im new to this site. i met a guy online a few weeks ago in a chatroom and he is from nigeria. we have been chatting everyday and emailing each other. we have talked on the phone also a few times. i like this guy a whole lot and am really starting diggin him. it's pretty cool. he has already told me he loves me and it just surprises me that he did already. i just want to know if this internet dating really works and if it does how do you handle the distance between the 2 of you.

[Jideprincess 0]

hi all

im new to this site. i met a guy online a few weeks ago in a chatroom and he is from nigeria. we have been chatting everyday and emailing each other. we have talked on the phone also a few times. i like this guy a whole lot and am really starting diggin him. it's pretty cool. he has already told me he loves me and it just surprises me that he did already. i just want to know if this internet dating really works and if it does how do you handle the distance between the 2 of you.

Hello sis and welcome to VJ! Whew gracious..you asked a biggie...I had to get me something to drink before i typed my novel response...hahahahah..Well my name is Livi and I met my fiance, Jide online in early April and we marrying the end of July. Well I'm one of those that say "kids don't try this at home"..ahahha..each person situation is different, each man is different. Before I met Jide, child I met or chatted with plenty of scammers who wanted bank numbers, all kinds of mess that i was in awe that any woman would fall for the mess. I mean it was so obvious it was scams. And yes they said, "I love you." In fact when i met Jide and he said Nigeria..lawd I was ready to jet...but it was something there..and this what I guess I'm saying. I dont know your spiritual beliefs honey but most of all in any situation Internet or not you pray.

Well i met Jide online and at the time he did some work for me for ministry. I still didnt in the back of my mind trust "Naija men" yanno i was like hmmmm..i see something different in him. Instincts will start flashing warning signs when something not right in your spirit, listen to them. What is the conversation centered towards? Is the man trying to get to know you? or just caught up in the "lovey dovey stuff". This my thing about love, there has to be something to love. Thats my personal opinion. Ok you say you love me. What are you loving? What do you know about me that you love? WHat is drawing you to my spirit? I know within 3 days and yes folks 3 days I knew in my heart he was the one. I didnt tell him that..ahahhahah..cuz I had to rationalize in my mind was I going crazy...ahhahaha..As we shared our lives and such, a bond started to develope..and then I started to pray..I had to pray because it was so strong...like I told my VJ sistahs..either I was under a voodoo curse or this was my soulmate..ahahhah..and child I was nervous..cuz I was never feeling this before..anyway we talked and talked..and the focus was on us..not bank accounts, US visits or nothing..just us..and it was a geniune caring that I sensed in his conversations...

Later even on the phone I observed things..How he spoke to his children (he a widow) and how the reacted to him..I was like Wow..i mean things like that...I knew were not fakes...then there was times I called him on his job and even one time had to participate in a project with his coworkers..and so really as time went on...I feel GOD gave me proof this man legit...as I said...Prayer will open doors and reveal the truth. So once i got confirmation..I knew it was ok to release my heart to him and then we both prayed and fasted to GOD about our relationship...and then we moved forward...Now the distance..hmmmm..Girl this a long reply..ahahahhah..

The distance is something to consider and add people who think you crazy to that too. This type of relationship comes with challenges, struggles, faith, determination and trust most of all. You gotta trust that your relationship is strong enough to resist others who want to interfere and tear it down. You fighting stereotypical thinking of folks who dont believe in the Internet, you going against talk from folks about a man who comes from a country with many cases of fraud,a country where folks think only AIDS exist, or they think you one of many soon to be wives..girl the list goes on. These things either gonna make you stronger and stand by your man or you gonna just throw your hands up and say i dont need this. If you feel like I do you got a good man..You gonna turn your behind around and tell folks..ahahah..Nah dont' handle my way..ahahahh..anyway trust is there and then the lonliness and frustration you have to fight...and honey it is a relationship that will take time for the man to get here and you just have to consider all these things...

There is no price you can put on finding true love...if this the case.I know I did. Its not conventional way, but its the way God sent me..I fought it at first, but now I embrace it. I have a man who showing love to kids he never seen, one who interacts afar, one who worships my God with me in spirit, who supports and lifts me up. I tell you I wouldnt trade him for all the men I see each day on the street. The waiting, the struggle, the longings are all going to be worth it in the end...

I say pray. Listen to God and then if all well go after you heart desire. Whether local or afar..Love will sustain you and hope will take you through.

Ok thats it..thats LIVI 2cent..lmboooo..I wont say nothing else..HUSH TARI i know you got something to say..ahahhahahah..

PEACE TO MY NAIJA SISTAHS!!!

[queenugo 0]

Hello, I am both a believer and non-believer in this long distance relationship thing. Back in 2004, I met by total accident a man I would still marry 10 yrs. from now if things were different.

We just stopped communications this April and it was not an easy task. For us the hardest part of being apart was finding a way to come together. Him being from Nigeria getting a visit visa was almost impossible, I am a single mother and didn't want to risk traveling so far away from my daughter, so after years of trying to find every loop hole in the INS system I decided it was time to start living my life here in the U.S. and not in front of a computer reaching out to Nigeria.

The man I met was WONDERFUL!! His family was very warm and open to me as well (they even sent me the money for my airfare to come to Nigeria) and if circumstances were different I'd be his wife today.

I can't really say to you that the journey you are about to enter into will be an easy one, though I wish I could. But rather give it some time...get a feel for him, his beliefs, how he will/would react to certain situations, and most importantly be honest and prepared for a long battle and possibly a trip overseas. There are just as many honest people in Nigeria as there are scammers and its hard to know the difference. My only hope is that your man is a great as the one I had and had to let go. As it has been said before:

A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where are they going to live?

Best of luck,

Ugo

[joej 0]

The distance is difficult. The result can go either way. Some here marry and live happily ever after, while others struggle and divorce. I guess that is indicative of the population in general though, but I think the visa process takes it's toll. Yet some would say that it makes the relationship stronger. Either way, just remember not to loose your common sence. Sorry yall, I don't want to sound pessamistic, but it is important to remember that things said over the internet do not always become a reality once you are united with your SO. As to someone professing their love after only a few weeks....ya it could be genuine, just be cautious.

If you do eventually decide to go through the visa process, be ready to jump through hoops, a nice long wait, and many criticisms from those who don't get it.

As for myself, no regrets so far.

Peace

[mollyandstephen 0]

As it has been said before:

A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where are they going to live?

Ugo, it's funny that you should say this because it was one of the very first things that I said to my husband when we started getting serious in our online chats and phone conversations. It was one of the first things we had to figure out before we even decided to get married. We felt we needed to figure it out before either one of us got any more emotionally involved. We both had a similar experience to Jivi in that we knew within a few days of meeting that God was bringing us together. So we cut right to the chase to figure out where this bird and fish were going to live and how we were going to get to that point. We at first decided that we would live in Nigeria but as time went on and we got to know each other better, we felt that Nigeria was not where we were supposed to be at this point in our lives. Someday, maybe, but not now. So we started the long and difficult visa journey. We met in November 2004 and were married on my first trip to Nigeria in March 2005. We spent the first nine months of our marriage separated while we waited for the visa to come through. Was it tough? YES!!! Has it been worth every second of loneliness, sadness, frustration and having to listen to other people's rude comments? YES!!! I do not regret my decision at all. Stephen has been here for six months now and we are very happy together. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. What surprised me was that once he arrived in the U.S., it seemed like the nine months we spent apart were just a few brief weeks. With time, you forget how painful it was to be apart from each other.

My advice would be: 1. Keep your eyes WIDE open before marriage. Really try to evaluate his characteristics and qualities (good and bad) with your mind and not your heart. 2. Read through some of the stories here on VJ, especially those from us who have significant others from Nigeria. Then put some serious, soul-searching thought into whether you can handle the ups and downs of the visa journey. Are you willing to fly halfway around the world to meet him and spend time with him in Nigeria? In order to get the visa, you will need to. It is near impossible to get a visitors visa from the Lagos embassy to allow him to come here to meet you. So you gonna have to go there. 3. If you decide that you are up for the challenge, then get connected and stay connected to friends and family that really support you in your relationship and those that can support you through the visa journey. This website may be the only place you can find friends to support you through the journey. If that's the case, stay connected to those of us here. It really helps you stay sane if you can come here to vent about immigration or get some answers to the bumps in the road. 4. Listen to what your brain says about him and about your relationship and follow your heart. If your brain and your heart are in sync about which way to go, you're headed in the right direction!

Now, all that is my 2 cents (which may or may not be worth that much) but it's what I have to offer today. Hope something I said helps. Good luck! It may very well be the most important decision you ever make---so make it carefully.

Take care

Molly

[sweetee 0]

hi uchegirl, welcome to VJ!

u got some real good advice here already. Like molly said "keep ur eyes WIDE OPEN." you don't always get that same treatment once they get here as opposed to how u were treated over the phone, emails, chat, etc. Even while in Nigeria, they will treat u like a queen, but changes do come. (that's only if u decide to go there.) Now Im not saying that you will be mistreated once he arrives here, but do know and understand you gonna face some real challenges. If you take the time and read some posts from other VJ members married or engaged to Naija men, u will know exactly what I mean. You can also check timelines to see approximately how long this visa process works.

I saw you said that he already told u he loves you. And that maybe the case. It could be genuine. But my thoughts to you is....PLEASE don't go there ready to marry within a short period of time. Im saying this b/c I really feel that 2 people(regardless of their country) needs more than 2 or 3 months of dating before actually getting married. That's just my opinion and it doesn't reflect the views of others. I hope yall hear me NAH!!!!

I understand about praying and asking GOD to show you the way, but at the same time, I honestly believe that GOD allows SATAN himself to make you think you have it going on. The comes in all types of form. Now I know Im getting a lil deep here, but I just thought that I'd share that w/you. Anyway, just don't go into anything with your eyes closed, b/c love has a way of getting us to make quick decisions and in the end we have no one but ourselves to blame. Make your decisions with you brain fully charged and not with your heart. They say love conquers all, but I say love don't love nobody, and I say that b/c many have came here w/the joy and excitement of meeting that SO and bringing them here to the states. But sooner or later, they no longer comes on this site, why?....b/c they are not so hapyy and joyous anymore. Things have fallen apart and basically I think it's b/c they never really took the time to get to know that person in the first place and they just rushed into it...all in the name of LOVE!!!

Sweetee

[onwa 6]

WEll...long distance relationships do work. But I can't comment about meeting someon online since my husband and I met in person. Things that were helpful for us in making the long distance work were daily emails, talking on the phone, and IM with the webcam. He was actively invovled with my work in giving me advice and encouragement and I would help him write sermons and encourage him with his work with the youth. We had to deal with a 12 hour time difference and being seperated for 9 months was hard.

My personal opinion is that its better to have them come to the US as a fiance--wait out the 2 or 3 months--and then get married. I personally don't think that I would have handled very well the married and separated bit. Waiting to get married once he's here--gives you both a chance to adjust a bit before youa ctually get married.

Like Sweetee said, a year is a good time to get to know someone. My husband and I had met and married in 13 months. There weren't any big suprises once he got here. The things we fought about before are the same things we still fight over now. The more time you give it, the more time you can figure out what these things are. Provided, of course, that you are both honest with each other.

My husband has almost been here a year. I have no regrets and though hard at times, it is a really wonderful thing.

[Jideprincess 0]

As it has been said before:

A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where are they going to live?

My advice would be: 1. Keep your eyes WIDE open before marriage. Really try to evaluate his characteristics and qualities (good and bad) with your mind and not your heart. 2. Read through some of the stories here on VJ, especially those from us who have significant others from Nigeria. Then put some serious, soul-searching thought into whether you can handle the ups and downs of the visa journey. Are you willing to fly halfway around the world to meet him and spend time with him in Nigeria? In order to get the visa, you will need to. It is near impossible to get a visitors visa from the Lagos embassy to allow him to come here to meet you. So you gonna have to go there. 3. If you decide that you are up for the challenge, then get connected and stay connected to friends and family that really support you in your relationship and those that can support you through the visa journey. This website may be the only place you can find friends to support you through the journey. If that's the case, stay connected to those of us here. It really helps you stay sane if you can come here to vent about immigration or get some answers to the bumps in the road. 4. Listen to what your brain says about him and about your relationship and follow your heart. If your brain and your heart are in sync about which way to go, you're headed in the right direction!

Now, all that is my 2 cents (which may or may not be worth that much) but it's what I have to offer today. Hope something I said helps. Good luck! It may very well be the most important decision you ever make---so make it carefully.

Take care

Molly

MOLLY IF YOU WERE HERE I GIVE YA A (((HIGH FIVE))))MY NAIJA SISTAH AWESOME ADVICE!!!!

Edited June 9, 2006 by Jideprincess

[S&S 1]

A nigerian guy telling you early on that they love you is a very common occurence, They are generally more expressive there and will tell you how they feel early on ( telling you they love you, poetry, songs etc) I find here in the US its more of a big deal the "FIRST TIME" you tell someone you love them. Either way though, it does not mean that because he says it earlier its not true but i do interpret is as that they really really like you and over time wil grow to love you. I was not one for long distance relationships until I actually was in one. I have to say that it is a very painful and long experience but I would not trade it for the world. I think that there is a lot of stress ( expensive communication, bad phone service, missing the person constantly) however, your love as cliche as it sounds is what keeps you really going. I agree with everyone to keep your eyes open as you would for any relationship. Something that someone said back in a while was that if he shows you who he is believe it, accept it and don't ignore it. I believe that what i like about my long distance relationships in comparison to others is that we have no choice but to just talk, talk, talk. This allows you to get to know each other a little better, talk through fights and disagreements. Communication is key.

[Optimystic 0]

Like any relationship, you only get out of it what you put into it. I'm a living testimony that it does work, but it requires a lot of commitment, effort, patience, and understanding. Bottom-line... It requires hardwork & dedication. I don't suggest it for everyone, simply because everyone doesn't have the wherewithal. Most of us were used to traditional dating, which is pretty much nonexistent in online relationships (except phone calls & emails). But you get creative by scheduling chat dates online in which webcams and microphone voice chats, are incorporated into the session.

Love??? Already?? My advice is to take it very slowww, and procede w/caution. See where it leads you. You are curently experiencing Stage 1 of partnership which is infatuation-Hormones rule! Survival tip: Enjoy the magic but know infatuatioon is not the glue that holds strong relationships together.

Good Luck

[Tropicana 0]

Welcome to VJ- and ditto to all the advice you've received. I also agree with what Sweetee said and you need to keep your feet on the ground and your head out the clouds. It is possible to find your soul mate in this manner, but use caution since people can present themselves as anything you want them to be and you would be none the wiser. You can read words, but you cannot judge intentions and motives on paper. There is also that whole cultural dynamic that comes into play when getting into a relationship with someone who is not from the US. There are things that you would have to understand about the culture in order to deal with your mate and vice versa. Hang around here long enough, you'll soon find out . Also as Livi and others have pointed out- you need to pray for guidance, but above all else, use common sense. If something does not sit well with you then it probably is not right.

On the other hand, do not lose faith if everything checks out ok. For every unsuccessful story, there are more that have succeeded. Long distance relationships require a lot of trust from both sides and not to mention patience as you will see from our posts. You will also need faith and courage to deal with those who would not understand and think you have lost your mind. Being one half of a very long distance couple, people are going to sometimes think that you made up your partner all in your head. But there is a great support system here to help you get through this if you decide to pursue the relationship and eventually take the K-1 route. So good luck with everything, wish you the best and welcome to our forum.

[Optimystic 0]

But sooner or later, they no longer comes on this site, why?....b/c they are not so hapyy and joyous anymore. Things have fallen apart and basically I think it's b/c they never really took the time to get to know that person in the first place and they just rushed into it...all in the name of LOVE!!!

Sweetee

I know several VJ'ers that still come to the site, yet prefer to send pm's for varied reasons. Chile, I was too happy to leave the site and get on with life after my hubby came. Those in my circle had already been briefed of my plans to go M.I.A.

I think it's fair to say that most people come here to get valuable information. Some, on the other hand come here for daily social commentary. If you already have gathered the information you need to scoot you along through the process, and you have a fulfilling social life outside of VJ, then there really isn't much reason to come back, expecpt to maybe pop in occassionally and say hello.

Once the mission is accomplished (visa issuance), the purpose of this site has been served. Keep it moving and get on with life is my motto

Sure, we all have a moral responsibility to give back-share info. But have you noticed how this is a continuous cycle? Some old schooler's leave (or like you mentioned before change their screen names), and newbies stumble onto the board.

Thanks to everyone for the archived messages, these provide so many answers to all of those questions that our newbie's have.

Thanks Livi for the Naijasisterhood! This is the place to be

[TracyTN 237]

Like any relationship, you only get out of it what you put into it. I'm a living testimony that it does work, but it requires a lot of commitment, effort, patience, and understanding. Bottom-line... It requires hardwork & dedication. I don't suggest it for everyone, simply because everyone doesn't have the wherewithal. Most of us were used to traditional dating, which is pretty much nonexistent in online relationships (except phone calls & emails). But you get creative by scheduling chat dates online in which webcams and microphone voice chats, are incorporated into the session.

I couldn't have said it any better.

Also, be sure that you spend some time together in person before making any long term decisions (which sort of it goes without saying, as it is a requirement for a fiance visa, but I still thought it prudent), and if you do decide to continue and have him move here, be SURE he gives careful consideration to what that will actually be like; love and the 'rush' of love are all very well and good, but sustaining a life and a marriage together is difficult enough, let alone cultural and environmental differences.

Good luck in your journey.

[Jideprincess 0]

Like any relationship, you only get out of it what you put into it. I'm a living testimony that it does work, but it requires a lot of commitment, effort, patience, and understanding. Bottom-line... It requires hardwork & dedication. I don't suggest it for everyone, simply because everyone doesn't have the wherewithal. Most of us were used to traditional dating, which is pretty much nonexistent in online relationships (except phone calls & emails). But you get creative by scheduling chat dates online in which webcams and microphone voice chats, are incorporated into the session.

Love??? Already?? My advice is to take it very slowww, and procede w/caution. See where it leads you. You are curently experiencing Stage 1 of partnership which is infatuation-Hormones rule! Survival tip: Enjoy the magic but know infatuatioon is not the glue that holds strong relationships together.

Good Luck

BOOYYYAHHH MY NAIJA SISTER. you saying a mouthfull ..and my thing yanno..IF YOU DONT KNOW>>YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBODY@@@

[Isabel 0]

Hya,

well my husband and I meet every second day online via Voicechat and webcam. Just if something happens we send emails to each other or call. We get along pretty well with that solution so far .

Greets ISabel