Spouse/Fiance Different Religions? Family Upset?

[Niels Bohr 72]

Me, I hate religion and have explicitly said that to my in-laws. They had no problem with it.

[tom&tata 2]

If you are not compromising your own faith, why have you already given up the Christian wedding - and publicly spoken of having problems with your faith?

Your family may not be very tactful about the whole thing, but your message isn't really making me think their concerns are unfounded.

Everyone has problems with their faith... there's no perfect Christian or Jew or Muslim, etc.... Everyone (those with a religion) is always working to have a better understanding and a better relationship with God or whoever they are worshipping... I don't think my faith is any different. I'm a young Christian who has had some bad experiences in my faith... but pushing Christianity (or doctrine or whatever you wanna call it) on me when I clearly tell them I don't want it, is not gonna change or help me.

Of course they are allowed to have concerns, but they should have limits too.. you can't just go around telling people what they should and shouldn't believe.. and what they are and aren't doing wrong or could do better. I am going to be living with my husband for the rest of my life.. in an intimate relationship that surpasses parent/brother/sister relations. I don't want to cause unnecessary problems in a brand new marriage. I've not completely made up my mind about having a priest do the wedding, but in my eyes, it's never been that important.. everything I do, I do before God. He sees everything and knows everything in my heart... my marriage will be the same.

Sorry, thanks for your reply.. I hope I didn't come off too upset. Take care and have a nice day.

Religion is personal matter. The judge is not other people but God (or whoever you worship).

But as everybody has said, you & your spouse are the one who will live with the consequence because it looks like you might have make a difficult choice (if you haven't done so) between your spouse & some member(s) of your family. Hopefully the tension is temporary & things get better!

[Naz&Omi 0]

Hey thanks everyone.. somehow even though things don't look like they are changing anytime soon, it still made me feel better to be able to tell someone. Hope everyone is having a good week! Take care!

[NickD 203]

Hey thanks everyone.. somehow even though things don't look like they are changing anytime soon, it still made me feel better to be able to tell someone. Hope everyone is having a good week! Take care!

It has been suggested by some historians that Hitler got the idea of a perfect Aryan race from the Old Testament, where the Jews forbade their children to marry outside of that race. In this sense, the Jewish tradition really backfired upon them as Hitler dealt with the problem by mass murder.

Catholic church permits marriages outside of the faith, provided the non-Catholic spouse signs papers that the children be raised and educated Catholic. That is a cool idea when kids ask why one of their parents is going to different church, or why does mom get to stay home when we have to go to church? Other churches take on a more liberal view, let the child make his choice, but how can they make a choice without knowing about all the religions of the world? Religion is an extremely complex subject with PH.d's not fully understanding all the concepts of their own religion.

I feel regarding religion, a couple should make that choice, and must be mutually agreed upon without one pushing the other into it. And that even includes not joining any organized religion, period. But if you cannot agree on this simple basic part of life, you can be assured of a very rocky road ahead in your marriage. Regardless, your intended spouse had to be number one in your life, their is no number two for a happy marriage.

Regarding your relatives, can always use the bible to retort, bible is loaded with retorts. "JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED" comes to mind in your case.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Also, on a last note, I feel like my faith is suffering because the more I see this unwillingness by my brother to accept me and respect me, I just feel like I don't want to be a part of a faith that treats people like that (he won't even acknowledge Omar). I hate to feel this way...

Does anyone have a similar experience????????????? I love my family, but they are driving me away from them more and more everyday..

Remember it's not the faith, its your brother.

I'm sorry.

[tmma 467]

Also, on a last note, I feel like my faith is suffering because the more I see this unwillingness by my brother to accept me and respect me, I just feel like I don't want to be a part of a faith that treats people like that (he won't even acknowledge Omar). I hate to feel this way...

Does anyone have a similar experience????????????? I love my family, but they are driving me away from them more and more everyday..

Remember it's not the faith, its your brother.

I'm sorry.

To the bolded part..

...Personally I think religion can be a bunch of bunk that gets in the way far too much.

OP- Live YOUR life. If your brother wants to be a bigot, that's his choice-- nothing YOU can do about it. Simple as that.

[shaggy_mutt 0]

Regarding your relatives, can always use the bible to retort, bible is loaded with retorts. "JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED" comes to mind in your case.

Let's keep things in context. Saying that a couple has red flags as far as future compatibility problems is not the same as judging. It's just honesty; if my avidly Republican friend meets a girl who's an equally ardent Democrat, it's reasonable to expect that there's going to be some conflict there. I don't know what comments have been made within your family, or how things have been phrased, but there is a legitimate concern behind it - the compatibility between you and your fiance.

If something is important to me, and important to my girlfriend, and we disagree on it, clearly that's something we are going to have to address. "Let's agree to disagree" works for certain things, but faith affects so many different aspects of life in so many ways that such an approach does not strike me as realistic in the long run. So yes, for two partners to be of different religions is indeed a red flag for compatibility - just as it would be if they had radically different views on politics, child-rearing, family roles, etc. It often leads to conflict.

In such a scenario, often one spouse converts to the other spouse's religion to reduce the conflict. This is not uncommon, it is one main reason why the Bible takes the position it does on marriage outside the faith, and it is presumably one of your family's main concerns.

So in response to NickD's suggestion, I think a better Biblical reply to your family's concerns would be "I still believe that Jesus is the only answer to human sin. My children's eternal fate is important to me, and they will therefore be raised to know the Lord. So if anyone is going to convert, it will have to be my husband." Reassurance is likely to get you a lot further than confrontation...

[Naz&Omi 0]

Regarding your relatives, can always use the bible to retort, bible is loaded with retorts. "JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED" comes to mind in your case.

Let's keep things in context. Saying that a couple has red flags as far as future compatibility problems is not the same as judging. It's just honesty; if my avidly Republican friend meets a girl who's an equally ardent Democrat, it's reasonable to expect that there's going to be some conflict there. I don't know what comments have been made within your family, or how things have been phrased, but there is a legitimate concern behind it - the compatibility between you and your fiance.

If something is important to me, and important to my girlfriend, and we disagree on it, clearly that's something we are going to have to address. "Let's agree to disagree" works for certain things, but faith affects so many different aspects of life in so many ways that such an approach does not strike me as realistic in the long run. So yes, for two partners to be of different religions is indeed a red flag for compatibility - just as it would be if they had radically different views on politics, child-rearing, family roles, etc. It often leads to conflict.

In such a scenario, often one spouse converts to the other spouse's religion to reduce the conflict. This is not uncommon, it is one main reason why the Bible takes the position it does on marriage outside the faith, and it is presumably one of your family's main concerns.

So in response to NickD's suggestion, I think a better Biblical reply to your family's concerns would be "I still believe that Jesus is the only answer to human sin. My children's eternal fate is important to me, and they will therefore be raised to know the Lord. So if anyone is going to convert, it will have to be my husband." Reassurance is likely to get you a lot further than confrontation...

hi shaggy_mut <--that sounds weird to say.... well, yes, in context certainly. Personally, I am not afraid of converting just for the sake of making life with my husband easier. I'm very sure of the reason I am a Christian, and it's not like a "spiritual..center of the cosmos" thing for me, it's just the facts of history and the things that have happened in my life that assure me that it's the truth. And don't get me wrong, I definitely think about our difference in religion a lot, and me and Omar talk about it all the time. But if there's one thing I'm reassured of over and over again by God is that I can live my faith through my marriage. I think it's Ephesians 5 that talks about how a husband may be sanctified by his wife... My main goal in our marriage is not to convert Omar, but definitely I see how the love I have for him and the understanding I have for how he was raised and continues to live (in Afghanistan) is a definite display of my Christian faith.

The problem with the family thing is that it's more than just "hey, you should think about your decision to marry someone of a different faith".... I have been seeing Omar for over a year now, and the constant berating and disrespect for the authenticity and reliability of our relationship, not to mention the horrible things said about Omar's character just because of the "label" of his faith.. all these things are totally uncalled for. They are what I have a problem with. I have always been the youngest in my family by almost 8 years, and it's really starting to make an impression on me how my family treats me with so much disrespect.. and thinking that just because I'm young (I've been away from home for 5 years now in the Navy on my own.. including a year and a half long tour in Afghanistan and 1 year away from home in college before all that) they can still tell me what I should or shouldn't do... without any concern of how I feel or how Omar feels...

basically.. that's unacceptable to me.. and seeing as how I love Omar completely (as he is) and am engaged to him (which in my eye is just akin to marriage with the government paper signed), I don't think I'll be able to listen to "you're going to hell" for the rest of my life... especially from my family.. thanks so so much for your input... it's very good to hear details from both sides of the track... as far as children are concerned in the marriage, we have already agreed not to have any because both of us feel that it would be a must to raise the child in our own faith... I know, always shocks everyone, but it's one of those decisions you make in life for better or worse. I willing to take the chance for Omar.

Also, on a last note, I feel like my faith is suffering because the more I see this unwillingness by my brother to accept me and respect me, I just feel like I don't want to be a part of a faith that treats people like that (he won't even acknowledge Omar). I hate to feel this way...

Does anyone have a similar experience????????????? I love my family, but they are driving me away from them more and more everyday..

Remember it's not the faith, its your brother.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

[bhajishah 4]

Islam is a way of life for those born in Muslm country. Even though probably young, open, and western, still they always return to thier roots esp during Ramadan and Muslim holidays, or as they get older. with that said its hard not to convert wife in someways. Getting him to partake in christian services et al orget it.If you dont cant or wont then there will always be this strangeness and void with relationship. When feeling alienated and alone, which will happen due to difference in culture and missing family, then that sets up for some trouble. Look for him to get Aghani wife in the future/ comfort and understanding etc. These things I would be concern about above what your family thinks..yada. Your family not bad they thinking of you how they know you and they might be right about some things. when you marry muslim man you bond with his family and become a part of his(if its real) and you leave the primary before family behind, thier thinkings and talk concerns over your marriage is null and void. Dont tell me he not like that, Ive heard this many a times and it ends up biting the woman in the butt. Know what your getting into. yeah Love is grand , but its not the whole, love changes and marriage becomes duty and responsibility.

[Naz&Omi 0]

Islam is a way of life for those born in Muslm country. Even though probably young, open, and western, still they always return to thier roots esp during Ramadan and Muslim holidays, or as they get older. with that said its hard not to convert wife in someways. Getting him to partake in christian services et al orget it.If you dont cant or wont then there will always be this strangeness and void with relationship. When feeling alienated and alone, which will happen due to difference in culture and missing family, then that sets up for some trouble. Look for him to get Aghani wife in the future/ comfort and understanding etc. These things I would be concern about above what your family thinks..yada. Your family not bad they thinking of you how they know you and they might be right about some things. when you marry muslim man you bond with his family and become a part of his(if its real) and you leave the primary before family behind, thier thinkings and talk concerns over your marriage is null and void. Dont tell me he not like that, Ive heard this many a times and it ends up biting the woman in the butt. Know what your getting into. yeah Love is grand , but its not the whole, love changes and marriage becomes duty and responsibility.

this is kind of insensitive, don't you think? I mean, I'm not "looking for him to get an Afghani wife in the future"... we both understand what each of us believes already.. and we are both interested in finding out more about each other's faiths.. just because I observe Ramadan with him (which I did, the food aspect, not the prayer), doesn't mean that I'm converting.. and it also doesn't mean I expect him to come with me to church either.. I barely go to church because I'm in Navy.. and if anything, Omar has given me a chance to find who I really am and what I believe and confirmed that God is working in my life by bringing me such a compassionate and understanding man.. Love isn't grand, it's paramount. I don't plan on starting my marriage by looking at the end of it and wondering if the love will fade to "duty and reponsibility".... sorry to sound upset, but this is probably the worst response I've gotten so far......

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Islam is a way of life for those born in Muslm country. Even though probably young, open, and western, still they always return to thier roots esp during Ramadan and Muslim holidays, or as they get older. with that said its hard not to convert wife in someways. Getting him to partake in christian services et al orget it.If you dont cant or wont then there will always be this strangeness and void with relationship. When feeling alienated and alone, which will happen due to difference in culture and missing family, then that sets up for some trouble. Look for him to get Aghani wife in the future/ comfort and understanding etc. These things I would be concern about above what your family thinks..yada. Your family not bad they thinking of you how they know you and they might be right about some things. when you marry muslim man you bond with his family and become a part of his(if its real) and you leave the primary before family behind, thier thinkings and talk concerns over your marriage is null and void. Dont tell me he not like that, Ive heard this many a times and it ends up biting the woman in the butt. Know what your getting into. yeah Love is grand , but its not the whole, love changes and marriage becomes duty and responsibility.

was that really necessary?

[NickD 203]

Islam is a way of life for those born in Muslm country. Even though probably young, open, and western, still they always return to thier roots esp during Ramadan and Muslim holidays, or as they get older. with that said its hard not to convert wife in someways. Getting him to partake in christian services et al orget it.If you dont cant or wont then there will always be this strangeness and void with relationship. When feeling alienated and alone, which will happen due to difference in culture and missing family, then that sets up for some trouble. Look for him to get Aghani wife in the future/ comfort and understanding etc. These things I would be concern about above what your family thinks..yada. Your family not bad they thinking of you how they know you and they might be right about some things. when you marry muslim man you bond with his family and become a part of his(if its real) and you leave the primary before family behind, thier thinkings and talk concerns over your marriage is null and void. Dont tell me he not like that, Ive heard this many a times and it ends up biting the woman in the butt. Know what your getting into. yeah Love is grand , but its not the whole, love changes and marriage becomes duty and responsibility.

My brother fell in love with an Iranian girl, right before that hostage thing, was there installing long range radar toward the USSR when Iran was our friends, how times have changed. He still talks about her personally to me, after 30 years, she broke it off due to cultural differences, so that is yet another factor besides religion. It's a sad story, he did get married to an American, but not really sure if he is happy, otherwise he wouldn't be bringing her up. Yeah brother, should see her again after 30 years, may permanently erase those memories.

You have some difficult decisions to make, and I really can't visualize a marriage without kids, but that is just me. We only spend a short time on this earth, and kids are the only thing we can leave behind.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Islam is a way of life for those born in Muslm country. Even though probably young, open, and western, still they always return to thier roots esp during Ramadan and Muslim holidays, or as they get older. with that said its hard not to convert wife in someways. Getting him to partake in christian services et al orget it.If you dont cant or wont then there will always be this strangeness and void with relationship. When feeling alienated and alone, which will happen due to difference in culture and missing family, then that sets up for some trouble. Look for him to get Aghani wife in the future/ comfort and understanding etc. These things I would be concern about above what your family thinks..yada. Your family not bad they thinking of you how they know you and they might be right about some things. when you marry muslim man you bond with his family and become a part of his(if its real) and you leave the primary before family behind, thier thinkings and talk concerns over your marriage is null and void. Dont tell me he not like that, Ive heard this many a times and it ends up biting the woman in the butt. Know what your getting into. yeah Love is grand , but its not the whole, love changes and marriage becomes duty and responsibility.

this is kind of insensitive, don't you think? I mean, I'm not "looking for him to get an Afghani wife in the future"... we both understand what each of us believes already.. and we are both interested in finding out more about each other's faiths.. just because I observe Ramadan with him (which I did, the food aspect, not the prayer), doesn't mean that I'm converting.. and it also doesn't mean I expect him to come with me to church either.. I barely go to church because I'm in Navy.. and if anything, Omar has given me a chance to find who I really am and what I believe and confirmed that God is working in my life by bringing me such a compassionate and understanding man.. Love isn't grand, it's paramount. I don't plan on starting my marriage by looking at the end of it and wondering if the love will fade to "duty and reponsibility".... sorry to sound upset, but this is probably the worst response I've gotten so far......

I just wanted to say that your husband will probably look at your marriage as a duty and responsibility from the beginning, that doesnt mean there isnt love...it IS his duty and responsibility. It's a good thing!

My husband has said: i have never felt like we are two different religions. We talk about it often and I appreciate and respect his beliefs. I do everything I can to make sure that he knows I respect his religion.

I just wanted to throw that out there.

He also knows that I have NO issues with our children being raise muslim. My parents on the other hand, im sure have their own thoughts and fears on that. I told them and they were very gracious about it. thank god

Edited January 7, 2009 by Y_habibitk

[Tunisia216 2]

Islam is a way of life for those born in Muslm country. Even though probably young, open, and western, still they always return to thier roots esp during Ramadan and Muslim holidays, or as they get older. with that said its hard not to convert wife in someways. Getting him to partake in christian services et al orget it.If you dont cant or wont then there will always be this strangeness and void with relationship. When feeling alienated and alone, which will happen due to difference in culture and missing family, then that sets up for some trouble. Look for him to get Aghani wife in the future/ comfort and understanding etc. These things I would be concern about above what your family thinks..yada. Your family not bad they thinking of you how they know you and they might be right about some things. when you marry muslim man you bond with his family and become a part of his(if its real) and you leave the primary before family behind, thier thinkings and talk concerns over your marriage is null and void. Dont tell me he not like that, Ive heard this many a times and it ends up biting the woman in the butt. Know what your getting into. yeah Love is grand , but its not the whole, love changes and marriage becomes duty and responsibility.

was that really necessary?

No it most definitely wasn't and I don't believe it is even true. I don't think I have advice outside of what others have told you, but it's not a unique situation that you're in and a lot of others have faced it. Odds being what they are, some get through and some do not, but I think that the fact you talk about it so much with Omar is a definite strong point and as long as the lines of communication remain open between the two of you, I think it will be okay! PS Your pictures are ADORABLE! You talk mainly about your brother as the real thorn in your side, but I was wondering what is your brother's relationship like with your parents? What I mean is that if by time (after meeting, etc) your parents come around to Omar and are more accepting of him, that could definitely have a positive affect on the way that your brother is viewing the situation. No matter how Christian someone may be or that they see their family duties as, they can not ignore that the fact that the bible says they should love everyone and do good towards them. Best of luck to you both!!!

[Naz&Omi 0]

Islam is a way of life for those born in Muslm country. Even though probably young, open, and western, still they always return to thier roots esp during Ramadan and Muslim holidays, or as they get older. with that said its hard not to convert wife in someways. Getting him to partake in christian services et al orget it.If you dont cant or wont then there will always be this strangeness and void with relationship. When feeling alienated and alone, which will happen due to difference in culture and missing family, then that sets up for some trouble. Look for him to get Aghani wife in the future/ comfort and understanding etc. These things I would be concern about above what your family thinks..yada. Your family not bad they thinking of you how they know you and they might be right about some things. when you marry muslim man you bond with his family and become a part of his(if its real) and you leave the primary before family behind, thier thinkings and talk concerns over your marriage is null and void. Dont tell me he not like that, Ive heard this many a times and it ends up biting the woman in the butt. Know what your getting into. yeah Love is grand , but its not the whole, love changes and marriage becomes duty and responsibility.

was that really necessary?

No it most definitely wasn't and I don't believe it is even true. I don't think I have advice outside of what others have told you, but it's not a unique situation that you're in and a lot of others have faced it. Odds being what they are, some get through and some do not, but I think that the fact you talk about it so much with Omar is a definite strong point and as long as the lines of communication remain open between the two of you, I think it will be okay! PS Your pictures are ADORABLE! You talk mainly about your brother as the real thorn in your side, but I was wondering what is your brother's relationship like with your parents? What I mean is that if by time (after meeting, etc) your parents come around to Omar and are more accepting of him, that could definitely have a positive affect on the way that your brother is viewing the situation. No matter how Christian someone may be or that they see their family duties as, they can not ignore that the fact that the bible says they should love everyone and do good towards them. Best of luck to you both!!!

Thanks so much.. I really really appreciate the assurance. I really hope that one day my brother embraces the "love everyone" part of the Bible, but right now he's just stuck on the "only a few elect people are saved" idea... Oh, and thanks about the pictures :) Just being part of this forum/community thing really helps the waiting.. I don't anticipate knowing anything for a looooong time But we have great hope! Have a great day, and thanks again!