Spouse/Fiance Different Religions? Family Upset?

[Naz&Omi 0]

Hi everyone... I'm in the Navy and so I live across the country from my family (who I've always been extremely close with). I am a Christian and so is my entire family (brother, sister, mom, dad). At first, when I announced my engagement to my Fiance (Omar) who is a Muslim from Afghanistan, my family was extremely upset (mostly mom, dad, and brother). There were whole months when I didn't talk to them at all because they kept telling me I was betraying my religion and that I was making a huge mistake and I was gonna be converted.. And just a whole bunch of ####### that made me feel horrible...

Well, as time has gone by, they started to accept Omar into the family (veeery slowly)... all of them except my brother. He is a Calvinist (in my opinion an EXTREME fundamentalist Christian) and every other day he sends me links to videos or sermons or long emails about how it's his job to keep me in line, and that he doesn't feel like I'm a Christian anymore and what am I do?? No matter how much I tell him to stop, he just argues that it's his job....

Now, with the K-1 Visa process going and me and Omar are starting to prepare our lives together for when he gets here, it is so stressful to receive these emails and really embarrassing because I'm trying to include a family ceremony for our Wedding back home.. but I don't want to offend Omar and I don't mind not using a priest to marry us (in my opinion, I'm still doing it in front of God and not sacrificing my faith). They are making it hard to even include them in my wedding... Now I keep getting more and more emails and whenever I talk to my family it's soooo awkward.. and I'm just so ashamed because Omar leaving his entire country and way of life is going to be really hard for him, and I wanted my family to be like a new family for him. But with all of these hurtful things being said, it is just going to be so weird when he gets here and meets them and they are all like .. "wow... you're pretty normal and nice and NOT a terrorist"..

Also, on a last note, I feel like my faith is suffering because the more I see this unwillingness by my brother to accept me and respect me, I just feel like I don't want to be a part of a faith that treats people like that (he won't even acknowledge Omar). I hate to feel this way...

Does anyone have a similar experience????????????? I love my family, but they are driving me away from them more and more everyday..

[alienlovechild 75]

Time and more interaction (if possible) with your fiance and your family in the future could reduce the fears of religious conversion.

If Omar is a lot like most Afghans, you may want to stress the positive side of conservative beliefs in family and faith since that seems where your family is coming from. Any dissimiliarities can work for you, too, saying he's more enlightened and able to adapt to life here.

[shaggy_mutt 0]

If you are not compromising your own faith, why have you already given up the Christian wedding - and publicly spoken of having problems with your faith?

Your family may not be very tactful about the whole thing, but your message isn't really making me think their concerns are unfounded.

[Mononoke28 135]

I may be butting my nose more than I should but in my opinion, it's you and your fiancé's business what you do with your wedding ceremony but more importantly, what you choose to do with your life. I don't think it's fair for your family to tell you your less Christian than what you should be because of your future husband, it's really none of their business. If they don't want to be a part of your wedding or even your life, it's their loss and I think that's something that you need to prepare yourself for because it doesn't sound like it's going to change.

As long as you respect your future husband's religion, he respects yours and you have a clear understanding on how you and your children will live your lives around that issue, then there is really nothing to worry about.

Diana

[tom&tata 2]

You might have somebody in your family who think that their sacred task is to save you from marrying him. You will also have family members who will warm up to him once they get to know him personally and accept him as he is. You and him needs to discuss this openly that there are tension about the suject - so it would not be a complete surprise for him when he moves.

About your family - sometimes you cannot change what they think but you can change your response to whole situation.

[Naz&Omi 0]

You might have somebody in your family who think that their sacred task is to save you from marrying him. You will also have family members who will warm up to him once they get to know him personally and accept him as he is. You and him needs to discuss this openly that there are tension about the suject - so it would not be a complete surprise for him when he moves.

About your family - sometimes you cannot change what they think but you can change your response to whole situation.

Yes, me and Omar talk about it all the time.. he understands that they are worried (his family is worried also)... and I definitely think my family (with or without my brother) will love him when he gets here. He's very patient with them, which is something that decreases the tension a lot. He has no hard feelings against them and I guess their change of attitude, in the end, is just a matter of whenever he gets here. it's such a shame though...

Thanks for your input, it helped just talking to someone about it

[Naz&Omi 0]

I may be butting my nose more than I should but in my opinion, it's you and your fiancé's business what you do with your wedding ceremony but more importantly, what you choose to do with your life. I don't think it's fair for your family to tell you your less Christian than what you should be because of your future husband, it's really none of their business. If they don't want to be a part of your wedding or even your life, it's their loss and I think that's something that you need to prepare yourself for because it doesn't sound like it's going to change.

As long as you respect your future husband's religion, he respects yours and you have a clear understanding on how you and your children will live your lives around that issue, then there is really nothing to worry about.

Diana

I completely agree that it's toootally our business and our lives! Omar reminds me of this all the time. We both respect each other (including our religions) a lot. And have totally discussed the issues of children and our lives together here in the U.S. after marriage having to do with our religious "responsibilities". Thanks so much.. you really made me feel better. I know religion is a touchy subject with most people, but for me, it's not just something that someone (even my close family) can push on me without making me upset. Thanks again, and take care!

[Naz&Omi 0]

If you are not compromising your own faith, why have you already given up the Christian wedding - and publicly spoken of having problems with your faith?

Your family may not be very tactful about the whole thing, but your message isn't really making me think their concerns are unfounded.

Everyone has problems with their faith... there's no perfect Christian or Jew or Muslim, etc.... Everyone (those with a religion) is always working to have a better understanding and a better relationship with God or whoever they are worshipping... I don't think my faith is any different. I'm a young Christian who has had some bad experiences in my faith... but pushing Christianity (or doctrine or whatever you wanna call it) on me when I clearly tell them I don't want it, is not gonna change or help me.

Of course they are allowed to have concerns, but they should have limits too.. you can't just go around telling people what they should and shouldn't believe.. and what they are and aren't doing wrong or could do better. I am going to be living with my husband for the rest of my life.. in an intimate relationship that surpasses parent/brother/sister relations. I don't want to cause unnecessary problems in a brand new marriage. I've not completely made up my mind about having a priest do the wedding, but in my eyes, it's never been that important.. everything I do, I do before God. He sees everything and knows everything in my heart... my marriage will be the same.

Sorry, thanks for your reply.. I hope I didn't come off too upset. Take care and have a nice day.

[Naz&Omi 0]

Time and more interaction (if possible) with your fiance and your family in the future could reduce the fears of religious conversion.

If Omar is a lot like most Afghans, you may want to stress the positive side of conservative beliefs in family and faith since that seems where your family is coming from. Any dissimiliarities can work for you, too, saying he's more enlightened and able to adapt to life here.

Tooootally I tell them all the time how understanding and "different" he is than what they are thinking.. Thank you! As far as interaction with him.. that's a little difficult, but we are planning to do video chats with them before he gets here.. and they were able to talk to him briefly on the phone, but with all the tension, it's hard to just throw him to the wolves so to speak... I know they wouldn't be intentionally rude to him, but it would be nerve-wracking for him.. We have been together for almost a year (in one month), and I just think it's time for them to start acknowledging him as a human being instead of just a demographic. Sorry, I'm ranting again. I really appreciate your reply, and I hope you have a really nice day!

[NickD 203]

It's a crazy subject, and for a good share of my life, have to admit to being extremely narrowed minded when religion where there is no proof that one or the other is true divides a family. One really has to examine their conscious and ask is family more important, or is some belief more important, the latter presents problems because you are told you will be condemned to everlasting hell if you accept a person of a different faith into your family. This causes decent in the family and wars between even brother and sister. See that in my own family when my son married a girl of a different Christian religion where his brothers and sisters refused to attend the baptism of their niece. No sense in arguing about it, they would be condemned to hell if they attended.

What I see today, maybe with either open or closed eyes, haven't figured that out yet, is one church trying to outdo the other. If one religion builds a bigger and better church, they all have to follow the same route, money isn't used to help the poor, but used for more bricks and stain glass windows, not to mention the very expensive pieces of art all solid walnut pews. Such a waste for a building that is only used a couple of hours a week that has to be maintained, heated, and air conditioned. With the high cost of energy, economy downfall, they are hurting, but members, you need to give more money to God!

Does God even care? Still the last place to go if you are homeless, the doors are locked, just a bunch of hypocrites in my newly formed opinion. Was okay as a kid, to believe all this stuff with a wise old man at the pulpit, but a far different story when you get older with a young kid up there preaching, what in the hell does he know?

And churches really love to split up a family, the men go to that hole, women to another, and the kids at the third. In some churches, women are not even allowed in the place, so much for the love in a family. But hey, better do what you are told to do, or go to hell.

When I first met my brother-in-law, a minister, after being married to my wife, his little sister for over three years, was a bit apprehensive when I first got to meet him. He gave me a very warm hand shake, then even a hug, and thanked me for being a good husband to his sister. That is the way it should be.

[Naz&Omi 0]

It's a crazy subject, and for a good share of my life, have to admit to being extremely narrowed minded when religion where there is no proof that one or the other is true divides a family. One really has to examine their conscious and ask is family more important, or is some belief more important, the latter presents problems because you are told you will be condemned to everlasting hell if you accept a person of a different faith into your family. This causes decent in the family and wars between even brother and sister. See that in my own family when my son married a girl of a different Christian religion where his brothers and sisters refused to attend the baptism of their niece. No sense in arguing about it, they would be condemned to hell if they attended.

What I see today, maybe with either open or closed eyes, haven't figured that out yet, is one church trying to outdo the other. If one religion builds a bigger and better church, they all have to follow the same route, money isn't used to help the poor, but used for more bricks and stain glass windows, not to mention the very expensive pieces of art all solid walnut pews. Such a waste for a building that is only used a couple of hours a week that has to be maintained, heated, and air conditioned. With the high cost of energy, economy downfall, they are hurting, but members, you need to give more money to God!

Does God even care? Still the last place to go if you are homeless, the doors are locked, just a bunch of hypocrites in my newly formed opinion. Was okay as a kid, to believe all this stuff with a wise old man at the pulpit, but a far different story when you get older with a young kid up there preaching, what in the hell does he know?

And churches really love to split up a family, the men go to that hole, women to another, and the kids at the third. In some churches, women are not even allowed in the place, so much for the love in a family. But hey, better do what you are told to do, or go to hell.

When I first met my brother-in-law, a minister, after being married to my wife, his little sister for over three years, was a bit apprehensive when I first got to meet him. He gave me a very warm hand shake, then even a hug, and thanked me for being a good husband to his sister. That is the way it should be.

Thanks Nick, and I guess this is a prime example of what we're talking about here.. There are things I disagree with in your post and things I agree with.. but I'm not gonna condemn you for it, and how in the world is it my place to give you counselling... I would rather be friends... Omar is definitely a good man, Muslim or not.. and if people could just open their eyes past the little tiny life that they know, they would be able to see that... thanks for the reply though.. it's just good to talk about it with an objective party..

[NickD 203]

Is an interesting subject for a face to face discussion, provided those involved do not get angry or try to kill each other in the process. In all honestly, no one really knows the exact truth. But if I were you, would be a lot more concerned about your life with your intended, conflicts in religion between husband and wife can end up in a divorce. And if children come, can be huge arguments on how to raise them.

Ha, when dating my wife, had to look past her butt, she has the cutest butt I have seen anywhere, but discussed religion, politics, and finances for hours, with that out of the way, could concentrate on her butt, LOL.

One common denominator we all share is that inborn characteristic to wonder and to ask what life is all about. Is this it? Is there an afterlife, is there a Supreme Being or a Creator? In reality, no one knows for sure, but are those that think they have all the answers, I am pretty good at planting doubts, even with the most stubborn, that came out of necessity in my life.

Finding that special person in your life can only be defined as a true miracle, and if you find that person, you don't want to lose that person, that has got to be the most important factor in your life.

I have relatives like that too, just nicely say, it's your choice, you either accept us or reject us in a very nice and clam manner. She is my miracle, and she comes first in my life.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

I converted to Islam, and then met and married my husband. My family was not pleased, and still even 8 years later, are not happy about it. We didn't include them in our wedding at all, which was probably a mistake. Part of it was that we just had a simple ceremony and no reception, but it hurt them. Granted, relations were strained before that, but it definitely didn't help matters any.

Here's my suggestion - have a small, private ceremony with just the two of you and some witnesses. Work on including both your faith traditions. Then have a reception and include your family. Then give them the time and space to get to know your beloved and inshaAllah things will work themselves out.

[sara..... 371]

well you can always tell ur brother he has a lot in common with muslim brothers that try to stop their sisters from getting married to the dreaded christians

what people feel about christian or muslim is all in their education of each, there is no way to tell that someone is bad or good just by what religion they are.

good luck and i will keep you in my prayers

sara

[NickD 203]

Is an interesting subject for a face to face discussion, provided those involved do not get angry or try to kill each other in the process. In all honestly, no one really knows the exact truth. But if I were you, would be a lot more concerned about your life with your intended, conflicts in religion between husband and wife can end up in a divorce. And if children come, can be huge arguments on how to raise them.

Ha, when dating my wife, had to look past her butt, she has the cutest butt I have seen anywhere, but discussed religion, politics, and finances for hours, with that out of the way, could concentrate on her butt, LOL.

One common denominator we all share is that inborn characteristic to wonder and to ask what life is all about. Is this it? Is there an afterlife, is there a Supreme Being or a Creator? In reality, no one knows for sure, but are those that think they have all the answers, I am pretty good at planting doubts, even with the most stubborn, that came out of necessity in my life.

Finding that special person in your life can only be defined as a true miracle, and if you find that person, you don't want to lose that person, that has got to be the most important factor in your life.

I have relatives like that too, just nicely say, it's your choice, you either accept us or reject us in a very nice and clam manner. She is my miracle, and she comes first in my life. Was a little rough at first, but they all came around to love her, almost as much as I do.