green card marriages, ladies beware

[sara535 15]

Erika, (and others in the process)

of course its a good idea to look for red flags but keep in mind, in any relationship (international or the boy next door) a happy ending is never going to be guaranteed. I hope all of us have a wonderful life with our SO's (including myself) but it doesnt always happen and no matter how hard you try you cant always see the ugliness coming.

my advice? keep your eyes open but your heart open too, make the most of the happy times and try to roll with the hard times. If everyone steered clear of relationships because its possible it wont end well then no one would ever get married....

[childress_london 3]

everyone here has already made their decision so talking about how you could "get duped" can bring out unecessary paranoia in people who arent 100% sure, like you said yourself. Reading "warnings" on a website is not going to change anyones mind. We all believe we are safe, or we wouldnt have started this journey( otherwise, weshouldnt have)

This is not something that should be thinking about at this point. This is something that should have been researched long before you get here. There does come a time when you just have to make a decision and then let it go.

Well, then why are many people here saying such things as "you never know" and "red flags" and how "it could happen to any of us" Ummmm no it doesn't...this is wh yI am digging for any possible red flags because frankly I don't have any.....

When people talk like this it scares the ####### outta of everyone...even those of us with sincere relationships....so like I said before: give more details here if your going to "warn others" on how to avoid a GC scammer.

Let's all be honest. Guess I was the only one unafraid of weak points in a relationship and I don't have many....whatever....and if you didn't understand or read the posts beforehand on "tests" don't comment mid-topic!

Either you have poor reading comprehension skills twice over or like to throw in your two sense without knowing what you're talking about. Acting...how stupid...yea I like to put on a show...not what me and another meant...read back first and if you still don't get it...don't comment

What I am saying is not if we see and obey our red flags...this thread was meant to be a warning...so where do you all get off saying it isn't...I was only being honest. AND I NEVER SAID I WAS FAKE ACTING....I have no idea where that came into play.

I say if there must be a thread such as this let's do it right....telling someone it cn happen to you because you yourself thought your marriage was 100% tends to scare the S**T outta people...

This wasn't about changing people's minds. THIS IS ABOUT OPENING THEM

Hi,

I was checking your timeline and you didn't put your interview date but your ticker says you are going to bring him back with you in a month so I am assuming your interview was successful, good for you because according to the DOS and what I have seen on VJ you do have 'red flags' which could have caused the CO to not give your husband the visa, namely you are older than your fiance(though not by much) and you have 3 kids and maybe were married before and divorced... as you said yourself in Islam this is usually not 'kosher' so to the CO this can be a red flag that maybe he is a potential scammer.... I pay attention and maybe get overly anxious about this because we have big red flags ourselves - my husband is 16 years younger than me and we married very quickly after meeting...quick marriage is typical in Nepali culture but not to an older American woman who probably cannot have kids... my husband has not had his interview yet and I am afraid he will be denied outright... supposedly these 'red flags' are not reasons for denial in themselves (though I have heard some conspiracy theories otherwise, especially at high-fraud consulates) but they will cause the CO to ask more questions and scrutinize your case further, maybe put him on AP - looks like at this point you don't have to worry about that so congratulations - I am very worried about our case.

I think what you meant by 'red flags' are that his behavior towards you didn't give you any reason to suspect fraud - I feel the same way about my husband but the CO may not feel that way - I just wanted to make a distinction between that and what is usually referred to as 'red flags' during the visa process/interview.

You know, I often forget that there is an age difference between me and my husband. We feel as if we are the same age (whatever that may be! LOL, maybe we meet somewhere in the middle.) I am significantly older than he is. Do they deny you outright just for this reason? I would think they would have to have more supporting evidence against your relationship.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Correction: There is nothing "unkosher" in Islam about marriage between a woman who is older than her husband, or a parent who had children prior to their marriage. The prophet Muhammed married several women who were older than he was, had children before him, most notably his first wife, Khadijah, who was at least 15 years older, twice married, a rich busines owner, his boss, and of much higher status than he was. She was his protector, and funded his mission for many years. He married only one virgin.

Please note that there are often distinctions between what some Muslims may prefer in a mate and what Islam actually dictates. In Islam, we are to marry chaste partners; adulterers and fornicators may not marry virgins. That's pretty much it, as far as the limits, none which have anything to do with the age of either partner.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

You know, I often forget that there is an age difference between me and my husband. We feel as if we are the same age (whatever that may be! LOL, maybe we meet somewhere in the middle.) I am significantly older than he is. Do they deny you outright just for this reason? I would think they would have to have more supporting evidence against your relationship.

A large age gap is one of those things that raises a red flag, but in and of itself, it is not something they are supposed to be the basis of a denial, if they know about it from the first filing and still approve the petition. It can prompt them to look harder at other things, and/or old the couple to a higher standard of proof then those without such an issue. Other issues can also trigger suspicion.

Edited January 20, 2009 by Virtual wife

[LucyLovesRicky 0]

"Meeting ANYONE online either in the States or abroad already puts you at a disadvantage, in my opinion. I've had several friends try the whole online dating thing and most have ended in disaster. I've watched some of my friends really fall for a person (guys and girls) who they met online only to find that person to be a "serial dater". By that I mean, these people will never commit to a relationship because they are always looking for the better "fish". It's also VERY HARD to get to know someone online. I think people present themselves differently online than they do in person. I'm not AT ALL saying that true relationships can't be formed online, but it IS difficult."

I just wanted to comment that I found meeting my SO online was a huge advantage in my case. We talked for hours on end and got to know each other very well. That had never happened to me before when entering into a relationship with a man.

I had never fell in love with a man's personality and the type of person he happened to be inside, and had never connected intellectually before with anyone in my life before him. But, I must admit, I never had "dated" online, or seriously considered it. I just met him by accident and it blossomed from there. Was like a miracle to me, and very sweet memories our first times online. So much fun and so unique to anything I've ever experienced before.

Makes me wonder what was going through my head with alll my prior relationships. Because now I know what a real one feels like.

Edited January 20, 2009 by LucyLovesRicky

[Aymsgirl 0]

Erika, (and others in the process)

of course its a good idea to look for red flags but keep in mind, in any relationship (international or the boy next door) a happy ending is never going to be guaranteed. I hope all of us have a wonderful life with our SO's (including myself) but it doesnt always happen and no matter how hard you try you cant always see the ugliness coming.

my advice? keep your eyes open but your heart open too, make the most of the happy times and try to roll with the hard times. If everyone steered clear of relationships because its possible it wont end well then no one would ever get married....

I agree with you Sara. I normally don't reply much to posts like these because in the beginning I let too many of the conversations on here come up in my head and I started questioning my husband to death and it eventually led to an insecurity for me in our relationship. When I was able to let that go, we were able to find happiness. Nothing is guaranteed in any relationship no matter who the other person is. I like your advice the most, keep your eyes and also your ears open but your heart also, make the most of the happy times and roll with the hard ones. I just had to comment that to me you are right on....nothing more needs to really be said. If you stay alert and make yourself paranoid, you will be miserable. Stay alert and understand that some people really do love each other and want to make it and some dont..but those you will eventually figure out.

[Ihavequestions 419]

In Islam, we are to marry chaste partners; adulterers and fornicators may not marry virgins.

In other words, there's no way to "make an honest woman out of her"?

[UmmSqueakster 54]

In Islam, we are to marry chaste partners; adulterers and fornicators may not marry virgins.

In other words, there's no way to "make an honest woman out of her"?

Fornicators marry fornicators. Chaste people marry chaste people.

[almaty 19]

In Islam, we are to marry chaste partners; adulterers and fornicators may not marry virgins.

In other words, there's no way to "make an honest woman out of her"?

Fornicators marry fornicators. Chaste people marry chaste people.

i assume you have research on this and not just stating your personal beliefs...

[UmmSqueakster 54]

In Islam, we are to marry chaste partners; adulterers and fornicators may not marry virgins.

In other words, there's no way to "make an honest woman out of her"?

Fornicators marry fornicators. Chaste people marry chaste people.

i assume you have research on this and not just stating your personal beliefs...

Is the Qur'an good enough for you?

A man who is fornicator does not marry but a woman who is a fornicator or a polytheist; and a woman who is a fornicator does not marry but a man who is a fornicator or a polytheist. And this has been prohibited for the believers. (24:3)

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Ah yes, sheesh that darn Qur'an.

[childress_london 3]

"Meeting ANYONE online either in the States or abroad already puts you at a disadvantage, in my opinion. I've had several friends try the whole online dating thing and most have ended in disaster. I've watched some of my friends really fall for a person (guys and girls) who they met online only to find that person to be a "serial dater". By that I mean, these people will never commit to a relationship because they are always looking for the better "fish". It's also VERY HARD to get to know someone online. I think people present themselves differently online than they do in person. I'm not AT ALL saying that true relationships can't be formed online, but it IS difficult."

I just wanted to comment that I found meeting my SO online was a huge advantage in my case. We talked for hours on end and got to know each other very well. That had never happened to me before when entering into a relationship with a man.

I had never fell in love with a man's personality and the type of person he happened to be inside, and had never connected intellectually before with anyone in my life before him. But, I must admit, I never had "dated" online, or seriously considered it. I just met him by accident and it blossomed from there. Was like a miracle to me, and very sweet memories our first times online. So much fun and so unique to anything I've ever experienced before.

Makes me wonder what was going through my head with alll my prior relationships. Because now I know what a real one feels like.

I did do some online dating and I can say that, yes, many men (and women too) are serial daters or just looking for easy sex. They will lie to you and tell you they are looking for a relationship or marriage when they are not. Makes me so mad. HOWEVER, there are the few online who are seriously good men looking for love and commitment. You just have to weed through the bad ones to get to the good ones. And some people will misrepresent themselves online, this is true. Like posting a photo that is ten years old when they were 50 pounds lighter. I mean, what do they thing will happen when you finally meet them? LOL. But I accidentally met my husband online (it wasn't any dating site or anything like that), but I was still very suspicious of him in the beginning because of my past online dating experience. Plus, what can be good chemistry online, sometimes is a dud in person! You just never know.

[childress_london 3]

In Islam, we are to marry chaste partners; adulterers and fornicators may not marry virgins.

In other words, there's no way to "make an honest woman out of her"?

I thought if they repented it was OK.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

In Islam, we are to marry chaste partners; adulterers and fornicators may not marry virgins.

In other words, there's no way to "make an honest woman out of her"?

I thought if they repented it was OK.

A non-Muslim who sincerely converts to Islam of their own accord becomes new again, like a baby, and all prior sins are forgiven. A Muslim who fornicates and/or commits adultery can seek forgiveness for the sin, but they are still barred from marriage with virgin Muslims. They can marry non-Muslims or other Muslims guilty of the same sin. Like the non-virgin who seeks a vaginal recovery, the act is done and there's no going back.

Thanks for the ayah, Rahma.

I'm surprised you had to ask, Brother Dean.

Edited January 21, 2009 by Virtual wife

[bhajishah 4]

Ahh Islam ideal if they all could be like Rasool Allah. however in the modern technological age very uncommon. Using examples such as Khadija and etc..very common for poor street wise boys to reel in the motherly foreign types..I wish they would all be sincere, often a new convert woman v devout will fall for this. Wrong as it is. Its common in all cultures religions for young men to sew some wild oats. If they were so devout and religious in such a young age they would help thier community and marry a widow and have some orphans within thier own peoples. Too bad UScis does not allow time to se ehow he acts and reacts to US living before marriage. Im sure its a real gamble with having a husband so young esp in this modern world. Plus is he helping you out by marrying him or do you have to shoulder the support the strenght and patience.Even Khadija was his servant, it was thier culture and same background so he was the chief of the house. Here whoever have the big job ande money seem to be in charge and knowledgable about life. Our prophet SWT had great knowledge above his age and guided Khadija and her children. If he is straight and happy and does by his older foreign wife on her home turf.well then ALLAH bless him greatly in the hereafter.