green card marriages, ladies beware

[morocco4ever 63]

But why would HE want to have children so badly? Why would his family be against this initially (after several months they all approve) and he keep speaking to me? Why would he keep reiterating there are no woman like me in his city as they are all only gold-diggers and Allah sent me to him? Of course if he is a scammer he is going to say this. His goal is to explain to you why he is not selecting a woman from his own country.

Why would he and his family go out of their way to meet me (we met in a major city and not in his remote little city)? Sorry to say this, but this is a blaring red flag. Why wouldn't he want you in his remote city? Think about it.

Why do I see genuine love in his eyes and in all of his actions. This is a good sign, as long as this is done randomly, not when you need reassurance.

I mean seriously I have so much positive instinctual feelings to go on and the only thing that causes me stress is the S**T I read here or what people tell me without knowing anything beforehand. Why is this causing you stress if you have so much positive instinctual feelings?

IF you truly want to warn us here, then please tell us the whole story...how you met, your feelings...any warning signs you didn't see...etc or you won't help anyone at all...you will only create stress and conflict. I agree with this, post the signs, or post when there wasn't signs. Educating ourselves in spotting fraud is great, believing what everyone is saying relates to you isn't healthy unless the signs are already there.

Notes above. Just to point out, I am not pointing the finger in your direction at all. To go into a relationship, any relationship, you must have your eyes open. Not to what is being said, but as to the behavior when you are with each other, and better yet when you aren't. If there is always reasons why he can't spend time with you online, or when he disappears on a frequent basis, you should be questioning this. As well as not meeting friends, family, and neighbors. Not from him, he will have answers.

My theory is that you give them plenty of rope. If their intentions are not stellar they will pretty much hang themselves.

[bhajishah 4]

Depression (wife), crying and whining runs most of these guys off..thats what most say ne way

[childress_london 3]

I agree that Wendy should have told her story, otherwise she is helping nobody. Of course the majority of us are going to think that ours is the real thing. If we didn't, would we be going through this nightmare??? Erica's man sounds pretty true to me, but I have heard that if the family thinks it is in the son's best interest to go to the U.S., they will play along with the scam. So don't think that just because his family knows about you and meets you that all is OK. All any of us can do is hope for the best. I agree that any man that doesn't want to spend time communicating with you (online, email, phone, whatever) is a red flag in ANY relationship. Anyone read "He's Just Not That Into You"? At least one positive thing I have with my man is that he is very, very clingy and always wants to be in touch with me constantly. He goes crazy if we are not. It has been this way almost since the day we met online, and that was over a year ago now. So that's pretty consistent behavior (and one that I enjoy!).

[star_dragon 0]

I agree that Wendy should have told her story, otherwise she is helping nobody. Of course the majority of us are going to think that ours is the real thing. If we didn't, would we be going through this nightmare??? Erica's man sounds pretty true to me, but I have heard that if the family thinks it is in the son's best interest to go to the U.S., they will play along with the scam. So don't think that just because his family knows about you and meets you that all is OK. All any of us can do is hope for the best. I agree that any man that doesn't want to spend time communicating with you (online, email, phone, whatever) is a red flag in ANY relationship. Anyone read "He's Just Not That Into You"? At least one positive thing I have with my man is that he is very, very clingy and always wants to be in touch with me constantly. He goes crazy if we are not. It has been this way almost since the day we met online, and that was over a year ago now. So that's pretty consistent behavior (and one that I enjoy!).

That's a fabulous book, btw.....all of his books are!

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

I haven't seen anything weird yet and HE is the one who wants so chat online and NOT even skip a day...me on the other hand as much as I love him have learned to just keep the daily chats no matter how tired I am in order to keep him happy...because I love him dearly. He NEVER disappears...he has been completely trustworthy and has never once done anything that would make me wonder....so when I get on here and se vague little synopsis of a supposedly "wonderful, perfect marriage" gone bad awith these people telling me it can happen to anyone...my ears perk up...yet I am only confused because they tend to leave most of the story out.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

depression and crying....done this one and he tried to run, but when I told him how bad a day I was having he stayed till I felt better...Oh you better believe I tried the whole depression and see how much he cares test....what i want to know is there anything else I need to know?

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

I agree that Wendy should have told her story, otherwise she is helping nobody. Of course the majority of us are going to think that ours is the real thing. If we didn't, would we be going through this nightmare??? Erica's man sounds pretty true to me, but I have heard that if the family thinks it is in the son's best interest to go to the U.S., they will play along with the scam. So don't think that just because his family knows about you and meets you that all is OK. All any of us can do is hope for the best. I agree that any man that doesn't want to spend time communicating with you (online, email, phone, whatever) is a red flag in ANY relationship. Anyone read "He's Just Not That Into You"? At least one positive thing I have with my man is that he is very, very clingy and always wants to be in touch with me constantly. He goes crazy if we are not. It has been this way almost since the day we met online, and that was over a year ago now. So that's pretty consistent behavior (and one that I enjoy!).

That's a fabulous book, btw.....all of his books are!

I mean for example we were in Istanbul (his family mostly lives in a small city complete opposite Istanbul) (it was my idea to meet in Istanbul and thereafter as his city is way conservative...no hand holding etc) and his family in Istanbul wanted to check me out so they could tell his mother if I was going to be a good wife for him or not...his family actually told him to bring me over...we didn't want to go....then his mother was in Istanbul for cancer treatment the last time I seen him and was flying back the day before because her treatments were finished and missed meeting her, but his closest brother was still in town for another day and took a bus 1 hour just to come check me out too...during Ramazan no less...in the heat when we were all starving and thirsty...I mean I really want to know if i am wrong in any way. I am pretty saavy when it comes to these things. If I am in any way naiive about Islam men-I wan't to know. I already grilled him on polygamy thanks to naysayers... I would love another chance to grill my poor Hamit....BUT ONLY for good reason......just send it my way.

I feel bad for the other woman as I have been through heartache and know how it feels, but with an American fiancee 2 years before Hamit and I left him because I didn't want to settle. But in the beginning (as good as it was) I knew something didn't feel right, but what sucked is I didn't know what until it was over. I don't feel that way with Hamit at all. I think red flags are ALWAYS there ladies...it's that feeling in your gut if even for a brief second...PAY ATTENTION to it and don't be afraid to ask your men straightforwardly. If they get angry and run...not good

[Imua 0]

Depression (wife), crying and whining runs most of these guys off..thats what most say ne way

I can see this - if you have fear(real or imagined) that he is using you and you make a lot of drama trying to get to 'the truth' it might drive him away - I think it's best to do like M4E says and observe his actions rather than trying to pry a 'confession' out of him, being too suspicious if he comes home late one night, etc. - this would drive anyone crazy even if their intentions are pure. You would not want an anxious, suspicious, depressed husband so if the shoe is on the other foot then what is the husband to do? Like the poster with a Turkish SO I have no other reasons to doubt my husband except what I have read on this forum and heard from people who have never even met my husband and yet I have worked myself into a near-nervous breakdown too many times over what boils down to hearsay and assumptions. I am currently reading the book The Four Agreements and two of them are 'Don't take anything personally' and 'Don't make assumptions' - I am making a resolution especially with my husband to put this into practice. If the guy seems genuine then don't run the risk of pushing the love of your life away based on other people's opinions or experiences.

I also would not put too much stock in what his family thinks of you since I too have heard stories about how if the family would benefit why not send their son on a 2-5 year adventure overseas? Although in my case when I have expressed my concerns to local desis their first question has been what does his family think of you and they thought it was positive that his family has always been welcoming and supportive of our marriage. Ironically my ex was a GC scammer(thank God I found out before filing the K-1)and his family could have benefitted from him coming here yet they were dead set against our marriage to the point of putting sleeping pills in his food and locking his passport away(Good for me I would say....).

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

OK heres one concern I thought of:

Him marrying me so he can support his mother back home since Turkish economy sucks as does unemployment. His mother is a sweetheart and I WANT to support her, but sometimes he reminds me so much of his plan to send back some money home that it makes me wonder....although I think I am the one who mentioned doing this first, the giver I am. His brother is a cheapskate and wants my Hamit to be the one to look after his parents even though he himself makes over 100,000 yearly and opposed our relationship until maybe 4-6 months ago!!!!

Also, he wasn't a virgin (mommy and most family don't know) so by him marrying a non-virgin when his family thinks he is and I have 3 children to boot and he is 27 and I am 34...in Islam probably not kosher...lol pardon my opposing pun. But anyhow, I converted after meeting him, but because I had no idea about Islam until I would poke fun of Hamit and learned the real truth and loved what I found....he actually told me not to convert for him...AS IF!!! I am independent and think for myself thank you.....lol anyhow after this conversion, most of his family approved and I was like #######....I really had no clue about everything Muslim back in the day....ok anyway....chime in

[Imua 0]

depression and crying....done this one and he tried to run, but when I told him how bad a day I was having he stayed till I felt better...Oh you better believe I tried the whole depression and see how much he cares test....what i want to know is there anything else I need to know?

LOL me too... And my husband is super shy, quiet, no drama and his family is soft-spoken like him... yet one time I was really depressed and crying my eyes out because I was afraid he would leave me once his situation was solid here... it did not scare him away... neither did sitting in a hotel room with my 250-lb 'brother'/roommate having him tell 5'3", 127lb. Govi that he would skin him alive if he did the GC dash....guess he passed the tests, lol

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

depression and crying....done this one and he tried to run, but when I told him how bad a day I was having he stayed till I felt better...Oh you better believe I tried the whole depression and see how much he cares test....what i want to know is there anything else I need to know?

LOL me too... And my husband is super shy, quiet, no drama and his family is soft-spoken like him... yet one time I was really depressed and crying my eyes out because I was afraid he would leave me once his situation was solid here... it did not scare him away... neither did sitting in a hotel room with my 250-lb 'brother'/roommate having him tell 5'3", 127lb. Govi that he would skin him alive if he did the GC dash....guess he passed the tests, lol

That is so funny...poor guy

Anyhow, this thread got started because someone who was in pain meant well...but this sure created more anxiety for myself and others.....yet I still don't know why. I now they will find peace and a better man later down the road if they are smart and don't repeat the past. Men whether you meet them here or there still come with problems add cultural differences though and it becomes tougher. I already let my love know commitment to problem solving through discussion is of utmost importance and he agrees although at first he tried to run away as most men do. However, he has found that if he has a concern I too wil listen unitl it is solved. What a dmaned concept....I couldn't get half as far with American counterparts previously. I wonder if communication is big in Islam? Nah...I think it is his agreeableness...lol

[Y's_habibitk 2]

depression and crying....done this one and he tried to run, but when I told him how bad a day I was having he stayed till I felt better...Oh you better believe I tried the whole depression and see how much he cares test....what i want to know is there anything else I need to know?

I dont mean to offend you, but I find this disturbing. I just dont get it.

Also, if his first reaction was to run..wouldnt that be a failed test?

Have you already filed for him? only asking because if any 'testing' is done, i think it should be BEFORE

is this common? this crying test? heh

Edited January 19, 2009 by Y_habibitk

[MrsAmera 41]

erika - if the money issue is already coming up might i suggest really really talking about this issue before your marriage. i knew that my husband planned to come start our life together and support his widowed mother at home, just as his 3 other bros and sis who live abroad do. We have two children and both work full time, and send money home monthly. This at the outset didn't bother me but when we started to struggle, and he still was sending money i got upset. but i've realized that she truly needs the support and have come to terms with. please sort this issue out before he comes so that the surprises wont pop up - it really did a blow to our marriage.

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

depression and crying....done this one and he tried to run, but when I told him how bad a day I was having he stayed till I felt better...Oh you better believe I tried the whole depression and see how much he cares test....what i want to know is there anything else I need to know?

I dont mean to offend you, but I find this disturbing. I just dont get it.

Also, if his first reaction was to run..wouldnt that be a failed test?

Have you already filed for him? only asking because if any 'testing' is done, i think it should be BEFORE

is this common? this crying test? heh

This was done well before we even met....I have to test him out-anybody...I mean if one doesn't "test" the waters how the hell do we know if your SO truly will stick by you or loves you when you have a looooooooooooong distance relationship and haven't met? He didn't quite run, but tried...in the whole how men don't know what to do with emotions type of thing...not running as in I don't care about you. Now 1 year later this of course, does not happen.

So are you saying we should be good little girls and not test things out? So we can end up getting duped later and starting our own thread on why we never questioned or tested him out first? Isn't this what this thread about? Warnings on and how to avoid getting duped?

Was your guy 100% comfortable the 1st time you got emotional on him? I think not. What guy is comfortable with women's emotions? If they really love you they will get used to any ups and downs. This is what I am saying. Maybe i wasn't clear enough before. I am being dramatic when I speak as well.

Now is this still disturbing?

[ErikaAndHamit 73]

erika - if the money issue is already coming up might i suggest really really talking about this issue before your marriage. i knew that my husband planned to come start our life together and support his widowed mother at home, just as his 3 other bros and sis who live abroad do. We have two children and both work full time, and send money home monthly. This at the outset didn't bother me but when we started to struggle, and he still was sending money i got upset. but i've realized that she truly needs the support and have come to terms with. please sort this issue out before he comes so that the surprises wont pop up - it really did a blow to our marriage.

Yes MrsAmera and is Amera your name? It is very beautiful!! I am keeping this one in mind for any future babies.

Anyhow, on to your comment........

Yes, this money thing may bring problems and yes she does need it, but if we have more children this may be a problem....only talking and compromising will fix this...but yea I can totally see myself getting very irritated. Especially over his rich, single, cheapskate brother who still lives in the family home and gives as little as possible and the whole family is kind of afraid to stand up to him....gggrrrrrrrrr

I definitely don't mind him helping as she deserves it the sweet mother she is who loves her children so unconditionally and never asks for anything...I would eventually feel like the devil if I said no....so what happened between you and how did you fix it....I know this may be a huge issue later.....