My husband has been having 2 online affairs -

[betrayed 0]

Well...if you had no reason to suspect any problem before...perhaps you still have no reason to suspect any problem.

As someone said, only YOU can decide how to respond and deal with this.

That said, if you had no reason to distrust him before, then perhaps you still can trust him.

ON THE OTHER HAND....if he was in-fact having an online affair, it's still not the end of the world.

You may feel really stupid and silly right now, but you've been given this gift that may help...forgiveness.

Yes, forgiving him should still be an option. Although cheating is wrong, it can happen. You are not the first person

to ever be betrayed, and you're not the last. But before you can forgive him (if that's what it comes to)

he really does need to start being honest with you about what was going on.

You've invested not just time and money, but your heart into your marriage. Give him (yourself) an opportunity

to salvage it. It won't be easy, but few things worth having are ever easy.

Nope, no other weirdness really... I want to trust and forgive him. I'm hoping that I'll be able to do so eventually. I can't really concentrate on much these days. I'm liable to burst into tears at any moment.

He was, yes, in fact, having an online affair. He's admitted to it.

I know that I'm not the first person that this has happened to in the world. I've already done searching online for how to try to overcome this. I've printed things for him so that he can read them and see what's up... I hope that what I have is real. If this whole thing has been some elaborate scheme to get here, how messed up is he... It's just not right to do to any of the people involved. I admittedly feel bad for the other two girls too.

I know too that this is not going to be easy... to try to move past this if we can. I really just needed a place to vent. It's hard to talk to my friends about this now. Only a few of them know what's really going on. I told my sister too...

I do love him and I want it to work. Thanks for your thoughts.

Being hurt as you are it won't be easy for you to figure out what to do. From my experience, sometimes the best way to cope is to take some time off from each other, if possible. Being away from him for a while will allow you to get a clear head and cool off a little bit, until you are sure what you want to do.

Men do all kinds of crazy stuff when they are bored,but it's tough that this had to happen that early in your marriage, when everything should be lovey-dovey and nobody else should be on either his or your mind. Don't do anything in a hurry,though.

I did go away for a few days. Probably not enough in reality. I'm still not sure what I want to do. Yep; it's really early on in this marriage! I'm not making any decisions now. He's got a lot to prove to me right now tho, that's for sure...

[broma25 2]

I'm sorry, but that still doesn't make it right!!! That's totally unacceptable in my opinion. I hate when people cheat on their spouses!!! Why bother getting married if you are clearly not ready to settle down??? I'm sorry sweetheart... this just makes me angry! You deserve better than that. He owes it to you to be honest with you and tell you what's REALLY going on. I'll make sure to keep you in my prayers. I sincerely wish you the very best that life has to offer. You don't deserve any of this.

Hang in there. It may be just a relative new addiction.

LDR relationships without going any farther than online.

Are you sure your font is big enough???

[betrayed 0]

Don't do anything in a hurry,though.

I think this is absolutely the best advice

Not sure if I agree with the time away advice though.

Time away just gives both of you time to wonder what the other is thinking...doing...preparing to do.

I think now is the time to face each other, and get to the bottom of it.

Let it be known, how you feel and what your expectations are.

Give him an opportunity to either come clean, or dig his hole deeper with lies.

From the truth, you can build mountains of love. From lies, you can only dig holes of despair.

I know, I'm waiting... This is important. Believe me at first it was hard not to want to just get divorced... I understand that this is an initial reaction.

He seems like he's trying to come clean, but we'll see. Yep, if he decides to dig his hole deeper or if he wants to build mountains of love. I've already been working on the despair part for a couple of weeks now...

I hope that he's telling me the truth now. That he does love me, that those other things were used to bide time. It just sounds like such a load of poo, though, ya know? I want to believe him, but it's so hard to do right now...

[TBoneTX 46,124]

Talk to him, heart-to-heart, deeply. Listen VERY carefully to what he says, and watch his body language. If you're unable to hammer things out with one or more (likely more) deep discussions, investigate counseling.

Before that, though, consider at least these two possibilities: (1) He is having generic "male" trouble adjusting to monogamy/marriage in general. Considerations: Is he particularly handsome? Did he have an active social/dating life in Peru? How much of a "macho" is he? How "macho" are his male relatives and Peruvian amigos? (2) He's bored or having trouble adjusting -- whether he expresses it or not. Has he been to the U.S. before, or is this his first time? Even if not his first time, remember that "culture shock" can hit at different strengths and times... and, even if one fully expects that shock to hit, and one tries to prepare for it, it still hits -- and it has an impact (individual) with individual coping reactions -- some of which may be 100% out of character. If he's been here awhile, maybe the shock is manifesting itself like "I thought I had everything here all figured out, but I really don't."

My Ecuadorian now-wife says over and over, vehemently, how glad she is that THIS is not her first time in the U.S., because otherwise she'd be suffering like two of her amigas did (and one still is). Even with this being true, she's been in tears a couple of times. Accordingly, consider the "shock" factor from every angle in his instance.

Let us know if these suggestions are helpful, si man.

Edited December 31, 2008 by TBoneTX

[Jasman0717 9]

0nly you can decide what is acceptable . Can you forgive him? Do you want the relationship to continue? He has betrayed you and your trust. Can you ever trust him again? 0nly you know the answers to these questions.

Right on Nag

This is the bottom line......Can you forgive him and will you be able to trust him in the future

[Ling Ling 22]

I know, I'm waiting... This is important. Believe me at first it was hard not to want to just get divorced... I understand that this is an initial reaction.

He seems like he's trying to come clean, but we'll see. Yep, if he decides to dig his hole deeper or if he wants to build mountains of love. I've already been working on the despair part for a couple of weeks now...

I hope that he's telling me the truth now. That he does love me, that those other things were used to bide time. It just sounds like such a load of poo, though, ya know? I want to believe him, but it's so hard to do right now...

If he were physically abusing you...I'd say tell ALL your friends NOW, and maybe one of them would have the sense to get you or him out of the house before something tragic happens. However, that's not your case. Right now it sounds like you're hurt, and want to vent. This is a good place...but friends and family may not be the best place to vent while you're trying to figure this out. The biggest reason to not tell your friends and family about things that may be resolved is because while you may forgive your spouse and move on....your friends and family might never forgive them for hurting you, and it could make it difficult for you to move forward.

If you're religious, this may be a good time to seek counsel...but use caution when speaking with people who will judge your spouse later.

[betrayed 0]

Talk to him, heart-to-heart, deeply. Listen VERY carefully to what he says, and watch his body language. If you're unable to hammer things out with one or more (likely more) deep discussions, investigate counseling.

Before that, though, consider at least these two possibilities: (1) He is having generic "male" trouble adjusting to monogamy/marriage in general. Considerations: Is he particularly handsome? Did he have an active social/dating life in Peru? How much of a "macho" is he? How "macho" are his male relatives and Peruvian amigos? (2) He's bored or having trouble adjusting -- whether he expresses it or not. Has he been to the U.S. before, or is this his first time? Even if not his first time, remember that "culture shock" can hit at different strengths and times... and, even if one fully expects that shock to hit, and one tries to prepare for it, it still hits -- and it has an impact (individual) with individual coping reactions. If he's been here awhile, maybe the shock as manifesting itself like "I thought I had everything here all figured out, but I really don't."

My Ecuadorian now-wife says over and over, vehemently, how glad she is that THIS is not her first time in the U.S., because otherwise she'd be suffering like two of her amigas did (and one still is). Even with this being true, she's been in tears a couple of times. Accordingly, consider the "shock" factor from every angle in his instance.

Let us know if these suggestions are helpful, si man.

Hi and thanks for your response...

We've already had several pretty heavy discussions about what happened. He seemed genuine enough but who knows??

Yes, he's a very handsome man, and no, I've never really considered him a macho guy... I know that it's common in Peru for guys to have lovers outside of their marriages, but he knows how I feel about it. He's also expressed to me how important it was to him that I am monogamous to him. Not that this means that he was monogamous to me. Obviously he wasn't in Peru, he's admitted to "just kissing" one of the two girls.

His brothers are good people, both married with kids. His sister too. I know that they would be furious with him about doing what he's done. His sister already is as he's told her what he's done in general terms. He hasn't been able to get in contact with his brothers though.

I know that the boredom that he experienced here while he was unable to work was pretty overwhelming. He was going crazy, but I don't think that that gave him permission to do what he did. He could have talked to his guy friends. I'm sure that some of it was just culture shock, but it's still been crazy.

He was like, "Oh everybody in Peru is in love with someone online." Blah blah blah. Such bs. I don't care what goes on in Peru, we're in America buddy. People in America have online affairs all the time and people get divorced too. And he expected to go back to Peru and hang out with them?! Disgusting. Sorry. I'll stop being angry now.

He did have a very active social life in Peru with his guy friends. He didn't have that many girlfriends, to my knowledge anyway. Just a few. Several long term. Hell, for all I know, he's slept with a billion girls. That's about how well I feel that I know him right now.

Yep, first time in the US. I know that there's an adjustment period to just being here and I knew that it would be hard, but I never expected him to have relationships with other women online. We had that kind of a relationship for a long time; the phone and email. It was all we had when I was here and he was there. To me that's part of what makes it so foul, ya know? THAT WAS ME too once. Waiting and wishing and pining for him... Until I could see him again.

Ugh.

[TBoneTX 46,124]

This is a good place...but friends and family may not be the best place to vent while you're trying to figure this out. The biggest reason to not tell your friends and family about things that may be resolved is because while you may forgive your spouse and move on....your friends and family might never forgive them for hurting you, and it could make it difficult for you to move forward.

If you're religious, this may be a good time to seek counsel...but use caution when speaking with people who will judge your spouse later.

Agreed 99.44%, with the addendum that when we have arguments, tell our friends/family, and then settle the arguments, we don't always tell EVERYONE (or tell ANYONE strongly enough) that the differences are settled! Per the quoted poster, this can cause difficulties. Also, you need not be religious to seek counseling, and there may be some no- or low-cost social work outfits near you. First, though, please consider what I suggested in my post just above, because the situation could be completely objective and independent of YOU the human being and wife.

[betrayed 0]

0nly you can decide what is acceptable . Can you forgive him? Do you want the relationship to continue? He has betrayed you and your trust. Can you ever trust him again? 0nly you know the answers to these questions.

Right on Nag

This is the bottom line......Can you forgive him and will you be able to trust him in the future

I know... I'm working on figuring this out.

If he were physically abusing you...I'd say tell ALL your friends NOW, and maybe one of them would have the sense to get you or him out of the house before something tragic happens. However, that's not your case. Right now it sounds like you're hurt, and want to vent. This is a good place...but friends and family may not be the best place to vent while you're trying to figure this out. The biggest reason to not tell your friends and family about things that may be resolved is because while you may forgive your spouse and move on....your friends and family might never forgive them for hurting you, and it could make it difficult for you to move forward.

If you're religious, this may be a good time to seek counsel...but use caution when speaking with people who will judge your spouse later.

No, he's not physically abusing me.

Like I said, I've only told a couple of friends and my one sister who are all sworn to secrecy. Hence part of the reason that I'm here. I don't want to talk about this with my friends right now.

I'm very aware that there are indeed many friends who would never be able to forgive him for what happened...

[betrayed 0]

This is a good place...but friends and family may not be the best place to vent while you're trying to figure this out. The biggest reason to not tell your friends and family about things that may be resolved is because while you may forgive your spouse and move on....your friends and family might never forgive them for hurting you, and it could make it difficult for you to move forward.

If you're religious, this may be a good time to seek counsel...but use caution when speaking with people who will judge your spouse later.

Agreed 99.44%, with the addendum that when we have arguments, tell our friends/family, and then settle the arguments, we don't always tell EVERYONE (or tell ANYONE strongly enough) that the differences are settled! Per the quoted poster, this can cause difficulties. Also, you need not be religious to seek counseling, and there may be some no- or low-cost social work outfits near you. First, though, please consider what I suggested in my post just above, because the situation could be completely objective and independent of YOU the human being and wife.

There's only a few people that I've told, so it's not going to be a problem remembering to tell the appropriate people that everything is ok, if and when it feels like it is.

I am considering counseling with him. I have health insurance, so this won't be a problem. Yep. An objective and independent view of what's going on would be great. Also for him to see how serious I'm viewing all of this...

[diadromous mermaid 36]

He was like, "Oh everybody in Peru is in love with someone online." Blah blah blah. Such bs. I don't care what goes on in Peru, we're in America buddy. People in America have online affairs all the time and people get divorced too. And he expected to go back to Peru and hang out with them?! Disgusting. Sorry. I'll stop being angry now.

Hmmm. That doesn't sound like an act of contrition to me!

[betrayed 0]

He was like, "Oh everybody in Peru is in love with someone online." Blah blah blah. Such bs. I don't care what goes on in Peru, we're in America buddy. People in America have online affairs all the time and people get divorced too. And he expected to go back to Peru and hang out with them?! Disgusting. Sorry. I'll stop being angry now.

Hmmm. That doesn't sound like an act of contrition to me!

I know; I apologize; I had a moment of being angry. It happens sometimes when someone finds out that their spouse has been cheating on them. Hard to be the woman who wants to forgive him all the time...

Edited December 31, 2008 by betrayed

[Old Dominion 26]

Ling Ling's perspective makes good sense. I am wondering if he has lots of time on his hands with nothing much to do? The only serious red flag is his wish to return alone to Peru for an extended period of time. Without that, online flirtation isn't much different than married people flirting at work and THAT'S been around for a long time.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

No! You misunderstood me. HE is not being contrite if this is how he excused his behaviour. You have every right for being very angry, in fact, if I were in your shoes, rather than forgive at this time, I would be certain to let him know where your boundaries are and what is and is not acceptable behaviour.

He was like, "Oh everybody in Peru is in love with someone online." Blah blah blah. Such bs. I don't care what goes on in Peru, we're in America buddy. People in America have online affairs all the time and people get divorced too. And he expected to go back to Peru and hang out with them?! Disgusting. Sorry. I'll stop being angry now.

Hmmm. That doesn't sound like an act of contrition to me!

I know; I apologize; I had a moment of being angry. It happens sometimes when someone finds out that their spouse has been cheating on them. Hard to be the woman who wants to forgive him all the time...

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Boredom and not much to do, or no work permission is not an excuse for violating one's oath to respect one's spouse. There are lots of organizations that would appreciate two hands and a willing mind to help out, if he has too much time on his hands.