Getting Married Too Young

[HannahP 119]

OH, me me me!

I met my now-husband at aerospace camp when I was fourteen. We kind of internet-dated for several years (with the occasional RL fling) but officially became "committed" when I was seventeen. The minute I graduated highschool, I moved up to North Dakota to live with him and go to the university that he was attending.

Roughly, we've been living together for five years. We've gone through a lot together, moreso than the usual couple because of my mental illness. We both come from dysfunctional families, so we know how bad it CAN get. But there's also a dedication to make our relationship work. I think that a lot of young people have unreasonable expectations about long-term relationships and marriage.

But I think being young has made us more malleable, too. We're fast to compromise over things like money and our living situation, and also fast to make up after a fight. We don't have a lot of the expectations or the habits or the personal beliefs that people who've lived on their own often come into a relationship with.

So, yeah. Talk to us in ten years, I guess?

[Jenn! 918]

I never thought I'd be married at 25 - that always seemed too young to get married (to me). But it just worked out that way. Getting married before graduating college wouldn't have been an option for me.

[rebeccajo 14]

I got married too young 3 times

It isn't just about whether or not you chronologically old enough.

Your life experiences will change you as you grow older. Whether you are in or out of relationships, all the other minutia of living will continue to mold who you are. At 30 you won't be what you were at 18; at 50 you sure won't be what you were at 30.

I'd say that for most of us, at 18 or 19 we have no idea how we will react to life's misfortunes. It's how you handle your changing circumstances that help keep a marriage together. Job losses; illness; career stressors; relocating; births and deaths - all these things are 'life changing'. They affect the individuals in the relationship and that in turn affects how the couple reacts to each other.

I think a lot of living needs to go under the drawbridge before a person really knows who they are. Knowing yourself helps you represent yourself fairly to a partner when you are in the 'new' stages of a relationship. When both people are young, they really don't have any way of knowing how they are going to handle life. And they might not be able to handle how each other changes over the course of time.

If you throw immigration into this mix - IMO you have a time bomb. Marriage is committed work. It's hard enough for two people who come from similar cultures to be able to stand each other on a day to day basis over the course of decades. Throw some cultural, religious, political and philosophical differences into the mix peppered in with overall lack of life experience - I say the odds for failure are extremely high.

Edited January 1, 2009 by rebeccajo

[Nagishkaw 510]

I got married too young 3 times

It isn't just about whether or not you chronologically old enough.

Your life experiences will change you as you grow older. Whether you are in or out of relationships, all the other minutia of living will continue to mold who you are. At 30 you won't be what you were at 18; at 50 you sure won't be what you were at 30.

I'd say that for most of us, at 18 or 19 we have no idea how we will react to life's misfortunes. It's how you handle your changing circumstances that help keep a marriage together. Job losses; illness; career stressors; relocating; births and deaths - all these things are 'life changing'. They affect the individuals in the relationship and that in turn affects how the couple reacts to each other.

I think a lot of living needs to go under the drawbridge before a person really knows who they are. Knowing yourself helps you represent yourself fairly to a partner when you are in the 'new' stages of a relationship. When both people are young, they really don't have any way of knowing how they are going to handle life. And they might not be able to handle how each other changes over the course of time.

If you throw immigration into this mix - IMO you have a time bomb. Marriage is committed work. It's hard enough for two people who come from similar cultures to be able to stand each other on a day to day basis over the course of decades. Throw some cultural, religious, political and philosophical differences into the mix peppered in with overall lack of life experience - I say the odds for failure are extremely high.

Very well said!

[macutelit 0]

I got married when I was 27 I think age does not really matter BUT getting married at the age of 19 or 18 and you are not matured enough and ready I think it's not good idea. I met someone here she is filipina 20 years old and her husband is 66 I think they can handle their relationship!!!! She got married when she was 18 she is really young and untill now they are married

[NickD 203]

Ha, can't believe the huge number of my high school graduates that got married the day after graduation, but two can live as cheaply as one, right? Girls that really looked hot in high school didn't look so hot after my military experience, went to a high school reunion. Ha, I was hot. Most were already divorced with a couple of kids already, hey they just invented the single mom! But could reason to get married young back then, best way to avoid the draft. Also amazing how people change in time over years, not only intellectually, but physically as well, and this is suppose to be a lifeline commitment? Anybody have a really good crystal ball?

Nevertheless, some have made it, even my best friend marrying his high school sweetheart, but the odds of this happening are against you.

[Ling Ling 22]

I got married when I was 27 I think age does not really matter BUT getting married at the age of 19 or 18 and you are not matured enough and ready I think it's not good idea. I met someone here she is filipina 20 years old and her husband is 66 I think they can handle their relationship!!!! She got married when she was 18 she is really young and untill now they are married

You know...I can see how this would be appealing to your friend. She doesn't have to deal with immature, poor, 18 to 20 year old boys who she has to worry about cheating on her, and who just want to get high and have sex all the time.

So she puts in her time with the 66 year old for another 10 to 25 years, he dies (or is in a nursing home), and now she's only 45 at the most, and has the money to buy/rent all the 18 to 20 year old boys she wants to get high and have sex with.

[macutelit 0]

I got married when I was 27 I think age does not really matter BUT getting married at the age of 19 or 18 and you are not matured enough and ready I think it's not good idea. I met someone here she is filipina 20 years old and her husband is 66 I think they can handle their relationship!!!! She got married when she was 18 she is really young and untill now they are married

You know...I can see how this would be appealing to your friend. She doesn't have to deal with immature, poor, 18 to 20 year old boys who she has to worry about cheating on her, and who just want to get high and have sex all the time.

So she puts in her time with the 66 year old for another 10 to 25 years, he dies (or is in a nursing home), and now she's only 45 at the most, and has the money to buy/rent all the 18 to 20 year old boys she wants to get high and have sex with.

She is not my friend I met them last year then I saw them during my biometric then this December. I met someone when I was working I thought he is one of the resident there he approached me asking help about petitioning his fiance I told him join visa journey I think they are having a problem about their k1 visa he is 77 and the girl is 18 yo. maybe the girl is too young......I don't know if they guy is a member of Vj now there are a lot of young girls wants to get married now a day

[Gemmie 142]

I never intended to get married at 22 and if it wasn't for immigration, I wouldn't. I've never kept that a secret.

I just want to be able to have a full-time relationship with my partner rather than having to squeeze him in around time-zones and seperation. I want us to share our lives together as a real couple. I want to live together without restrictions on being sent home after a few weeks and having everything we do measured by a huge countdown clock. It's quite funny that even though I'm young, I still feel that timer ticking down. We've been doing this for years now, and I feel that I've missed out on so much. In fact, perhaps in the same way as older couples feeling that they don't have the time to waste, it feels similar in that I feel sensitive to spending our youth in separation.

[rebeccajo 14]

I never intended to get married at 22 and if it wasn't for immigration, I wouldn't. I've never kept that a secret.

I just want to be able to have a full-time relationship with my partner rather than having to squeeze him in around time-zones and seperation. I want us to share our lives together as a real couple. I want to live together without restrictions on being sent home after a few weeks and having everything we do measured by a huge countdown clock. It's quite funny that even though I'm young, I still feel that timer ticking down. We've been doing this for years now, and I feel that I've missed out on so much. In fact, perhaps in the same way as older couples feeling that they don't have the time to waste, it feels similar in that I feel sensitive to spending our youth in separation.

Life should never be wasted, whether you're young OR old....

[JVKn'CVO 11]

I had a friend that married when she was 22...(first in our graduating class to get married), but she did it because she had been going out with her boyfriend for 10 years and she had always been very mature, so I think it was great

However, I would recommend waiting until 24 or so. At 18 or 19 you think you know yourself, but truth is you are still changing a lot and living new experiences that change you. I think it's better to know yourself and who you are and what you want in life to make the best out of matrimony. Of course it varies from person to person and it is a very personal decision.

Saludos,

Caro

[Laura+Tom 2]

I never intended to get married at 22 and if it wasn't for immigration, I wouldn't. I've never kept that a secret.

I just want to be able to have a full-time relationship with my partner rather than having to squeeze him in around time-zones and seperation. I want us to share our lives together as a real couple. I want to live together without restrictions on being sent home after a few weeks and having everything we do measured by a huge countdown clock. It's quite funny that even though I'm young, I still feel that timer ticking down. We've been doing this for years now, and I feel that I've missed out on so much. In fact, perhaps in the same way as older couples feeling that they don't have the time to waste, it feels similar in that I feel sensitive to spending our youth in separation.

Like Gemmie, I never intended to get married this young (I'll be 25 when I do) but life throws things at you which can change your whole outlook. Yes, I still live with my parents but I have become an extremely independant person, capable of most things. I like to think I have matured quite quickly thanks to my mum passing down her knowledge of finances and looking after a home etc. I am extremely capable of looking after my own bills, I cook very well and I can even work on my own car. I'm pretty excited now to be able to contribute what I've learned into marriage.

BTW my parent's married when they were 21 and 22 due to circumstances similar to my own. My dad was being sent to Germany and my mum couldn't go unless they got married, and so they did. 30 years later they are still together. If they can do it, I'm sure I can.

[Niels Bohr 72]

It's a myth that marrying younger leads to higher risk of divorce.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Found this interesting...

Are you Emotionally Mature?

If you avoid your emotions, you may become overly reserved, dissociated or robot-like. If you feel but avoid expressing your emotions, you may falsify your relationships, undermine your health and delay personal development. Immaturity is associated with impulsiveness, child abuse and emotional incest.

You can easily estimate your emotional intelligence:

1. Do you listen to other people's ideas?
2. Do you cope with unexpected change?
3. Do you express your feelings appropriately?
4. Do you recognize your feelings as they occur?
5. Do you control strong emotions and impulses?
6. Do you take responsibility for your actions and behavior?
7. Do you act intelligently and mature when you are under stress?

Any "No" indicates part of your life where you may be emotionally immature, although many people will answer "Not really" to question 7. If your stress is high enough to cause you to age-regress (anything from a spider to the loss of a partner), you may feel and act childishly for a time, before restoring balance and sobriety. During this time, immature behavior is likely.

Emotional Intelligence & Relationships

Your emotional maturity will be apparent in your relationships. Do you:

• communicate appropriately? (for the relationship type)
• clarify mistakes and wrong assumptions?
• provide balance or justice when things go wrong?
• build and maintain friendships?
• teamwork toward shared goals?
• share responsibility for children and projects?
• cooperate with your community?
• inspire your family and lead other people?

.......

Youth Fades ... Immaturity Lingers

....

1. Egocentric

You are self-centered and selfish. You have little regard for others and you are preoccupied with your ideas, feelings and symptoms. You deeply believe that you are somehow special. You demand constant attention, respect and sympathy.

2. Uncontrolled Emotions

You express yourself in temper tantrums, prolonged pouts and rapidly changing moods. You get frustrated easily, and you over-react to perceived criticism.

3. Gratification

You want it all now. Your behavior may be superficial, thoughtless and impulsive. Your loyalty lasts only as long as a relationship seems useful. You have chaotic finances.

4. Dependent

You are indecisive, easily influenced and you avoid responsibility for your actions. You stay in unpleasant relationships to avoid change.

http://www.soulwork.net/sw_articles_eng/emotional_intelligence.htm

Edited January 1, 2009 by Mister Fancypants

[Ling Ling 22]

It's a myth that marrying younger leads to higher risk of divorce.

Agreed...but probably a myth purported by young bachelors that want to stay that way...or old geezers that want to justify their patience.