Lost & Confuse

[LuvinNY 0]

And yes even being a chinese (HKese but spent the childhood in Canada) I would never let my husband to live in China alone for more than a day!!!! I brought my now hubby to China before we came back here together. When we walked on the street and some girls would come up and ask me heck alot of questions! (such as if he is my bf, where did I meet him....etc) and they wouldn't stop staring at him from head to toe like they were eye-rapping him!!!!

Anyway , based on what OP said from previous post, whether OP's husband wants to be worshiped by girls or they have some trust issue going on, they def. need to have some more rational and deep conversation (and I know its hard!!) which required of lots of time. And this is what OP lack of right now as her tourist visa is going to be expired very soon. Hopefully they find the way to solve this problem or I can always help to find out how to renew the tourist visa in HK if she wants to.

Just my two cents, I would suggest OP (try) not to break down too much in front of her husband. Show him how lovely of this family is when he is home with them and encourage him to find a better job back in the states may help him thinking to leave China so he can stay away from the"Yellow fever" disease!

I wish best of luck for the OP of whatever decision she is going to make !

Glo

Glo, I know abou the 'eye raping' thingy coz I've witnessed it all and I'm from a country where a lot of girls are hunting these expats like crazy so I am very well aware of how things are. Unfortunately, DH never experience all of this before even when he was in my home country, we pretty much avoided those places (such as bars & clubs) and he thinks these girls are just being nice when they flash him their 'i'm-too-shy-to-talk-to-you" smiles under their batting eyes. One time we were at a supermarket together with our son and he was pushing our lil' boy in the shopping cart while I followed behind them, he stopped to ask the sales attendant where to find tonic water. As our son got bored (he wants us to keep pushing him around) he had to go and told me to talk to that girl because he didn't think she understand him. So I talked to that girl who knew very little english and at the end she said "Is that your husband?" and started interogating me plus saying "He's so handsome!" at the end of our short conversation. That was a shocking moment for me because God only knows what they're capable of doing behind my back.

I've been trying so hard to make our 'compound' very homey for him whenever he's home but he's been working so much (yes, I did called the office to make sure he was there!) that we barely have time to really talk and he's always seems so tired and depressed when he's home which makes it harder for me to find that 'gap' to insert some serious converstations we needed to discuss. But I do know one thing, he doesn't seem to want to return to the US anytime soon. His contract will end in April and already the head hunter company that hired him in Singapore said there's an offer for another job in Shanghai if this one doesn't follow thru and the company in Shanghai will sponsor me and my son as well. I do know that things has been bad at work because some of his colleagues from the Phillipines (other contract employees) were told to leave way ahead of their agreements and he's been worrying about that.

We did had a little talk last night and I told him that I do want to understand him so bad and be patient with him but I can't do that while he's pushing me away. Yes he hugs and kiss more lately but I still feel there's something that's not right between us. Told him to promise me that if he really finds it in his heart that he can't be happy with me anymore, to just tell me because I can't make him stay in this marriage just because he have to. He said that he still loves me so much and I still do makes him happy but he's just been so caught up with trying to financially take care of us and with the problems at work. And he even said that he have too much on his plate already to be messing around with another girl. I really don't know what to say to that and just praying that he is being honest with me, that we will be a whole family again somehow. I guess I just love him too much that I am willing to give him a second chance but part of me needs to feel something that will proof he meant all the things he's telling me. Things are slowly getting better lately between us, in a sense that we are laughing again, we hug and we kiss more and he even start to hold me again when we go to bed (something that he didn't do since I got back here) but one thing that put a huge doubt in my head is how he seems to lost interest in having sex again. I'm sorry if this is too much information but before, he was a very normal guy in every way and I was the one who lost my sex drive after our son was born. That part of intimacy has been long gone since I got back here and it really makes me wonder what's going on and when I asked him, he just said he's been very tired and it's not me. From what I read online about signs of a cheating spouse, one of the sign says that he will want to have more sex to proof that there's nothing going on but that doesn't happen with us. Am I just reading between the lines here?

Ok, I'm sorry for this long ranting. Thank you for your replies!

[LuvinNY 0]

The part about the dependant's visa still sounds strange to me.

Why would the company refuse the give you a copy of the Business License & Code Certificate? They would have to put this information into your husband's application, too, right? The paperwork for the work visa with residence permit is much more complicated and asks for more documents, but they were willing to submit that?

IMO, either the company is trying to mess with you or your husband is. When he was hired, did they already tell him they were not willing to apply for his family to accompany him, but he never told you?

Things just don't add up... I wish you all the best, hope you can solve this somehow...

We did found out that they cannot sponsor me and my son before my husband took the job and that was a huge argument source for us in the past. So, this is not something that he hides from me as I do read the contract and all the paperworks but at that time we thought we could apply for it ourselves as we did researched about it online. Sadly, things has been tighten up a lot ever since the Olympic thing and that may affect the whole resident permit rules too. I was furious too because what harm can those two lettters cause the company but they just said they do not want to risk the liability in something goes wrong or if I break the law here in China, which is ridiculous in the first place but I guess that's just how paranoid they are.

Thank you for your encouragements.

[rheanick 42]

I might be wrong in my assessment, but i would suggest to give him space for a while. Not divorce him or leave him, not that thing. For space, if he does not want to talk about stuff, dont force him. Propose another topic, if he responds.. linger on that topic.

I used to read, men are from mars and women are from venus. If man is not speaking, he is in his cave right now. The proposed approach is leave him alone for a moment.

Hope everything works well with you both.

[Cham 3]

WOW...admiting that you've done wrong...that's HUGE...even anonymously on the INTERNET.

Are you from an Asian country? Not that it makes a difference. Your grammar is pretty outstanding for anyone that doesn't use it as a first language...hell for anyone that uses it as a first language, it's amazingly good.

So he's given you a chance to fix things...now's your turn to give him a chance....and stop looking for stuff.

If you keep looking, you're just going to find more stuff...and it's just gonna make you angrier.

I think what's probably the most frustrating, is that he's not responding to your calls and texts.

I think right now, you want to wail and scratch, but you'd also like to hear his voice.

Hang in there.

I apologized to him in person and even wrote him a long letter which he responded as "I like it". I think it might be way too late now, that he had checked out from this marriage while I was away.

Yes I'm from Asia (sorry I can't really reveal which country as I used to be a regular here and I still remember some of the old timers names). Thank you.

I am giving him a chance but his actions really speaks louder than his words. How can you tell someone that you love them but then leave them waiting all night long alone without any explanation. Two days ago he did this saying he had to work all night and he didn't message me or nothing, then when he came home and I hesitate when he tried to kiss me he snapped saying "Don't you start!". So I am not even suppose to question or get upset if he decided not to come home all night. In my head I pictured if he meant what he's saying he could've done more than ignoring me and treating me like a stranger.

I've gone from mad to worry to desperate. I tried calling his office number but the girl who picked the phone can't understand the simplest English word I said.

Thank you for the encouragements. I really am loosing all hopes right now.

I came on to see how you are doing and it is obvious he is doing something he should not.

Sweetie I was married to a man like him! He was mentally abusive and I hate to say this but he is doing that to you!!

He goes to kiss you and not expect you to hesitate?? I would to!! He knows he did wrong yet he will shove that blame onto you and I can beat he already has. (If I am wrong please let me be but I think I am right..the signs are there)

The list is long and I want you to read this okay: A list of things he is doing that you posted and I want you to reread it and tell me if he is NOT mentally abusing you and if he is messing around with other women or men ( I do not mean to sound blunt but these days you don't know)

It took me several months before my son and I can join him. Before we moved here we've had our problems and our marriage was rocky. But when I got here intending to make things work out with us, I found him changed. He's so cold to me like he doesn't love me anymore

You already had big issues in your marriage yet you moved there with him. The signs are there and were there baby girl. Love is really blind. We think *he will change when we are back together, we need a change of environment and so on. No they never do unless they seek help and we can;t force them.

I would seek therapy for YOU and if he wont go then so be it. I did that when I was married to my ex. He found out and belittled me so much BUT I still held my head high and thought to myself ONE day babe, Karma will come and haunt you!!

I am happy i received therapy because it helped me become STRONG again for my kids AND myself. You need to be strong again for your son...he needs you mom.

Then I found out he had a girl in the apartment we are living because I found some clues here and there. He said nothing happen and he was just giving her a place to stay for a 3-4 weeks (his friend asked him to do it as a favor). I was crushed but what's killing me is how cold he is and how unhappy he looks. We are now living like a roommate and I feel like I'm slowly dying here.

Here is ANOTHER sign. He had a GIRL living there because SHE needed a place to stay and could not TELL YOU?? He is very dishonest with you and now you are more concerned on HOW he treats you?? You should be concerned that he had a WOMAN sleeping in YOUR home and more then likey with him.

I still love him so much but it's killing me to live like this and whenever I tried to talk to him about it he just shut down and only told me that he still love me (saying this while staring blankly at the floor) and he said its because we were separated for months and he needs time to get use to having us again. What???? I can't believe what I'm hearing and his actions speaks louder then the mere I love yous. He won't go to counseling at all.

I been separated from my Kai for 1.7 years now! This is an excuse! While you were *out of the picture physically* your so called hubby was having his fun on the side...now that you are there you put a damper on it. If he loved you so much HE would be making every effort to make you and your son happy. Not sit and look at the floor and deny going to counseling to work on it.

He worked so much late hours even stayed at work for more than 24 hours and now he didn't come home again after saying that he have to go to company's new year's eve dinner party (only for employee he said). I am so crushed right now I feel like I want to run away and just go back to my home country but I know there is no future there for me and my son.

Thank you.

24 hours!!!!!!! Is he a doctor?? I do not know ANYONE who works those many hours unless he is a doctor or a nurse.

THEN he did not come home again due to a new years eve party?? PLEASE tell me you do not believe him..PLEASE tell me you honestly do not believe he is working that many hours or not doing something behind your back???

He is full of ####### if you believe him girl. I do not know many Christmas parties or new years party for *employee only*

Now we had a Xmas party at work during LUNCH but it was back to work and got off at regular time..

Sweetie I would be looking INTO what he is DOING!! I would get in the car and drive to his work and do some undercover work!! If not HIRE someone to investigate his actions because he is LYING more then a dirty rug on the floor!

I'm not sure but we're in China and he works for a Chinese company.

Oh I've done my share of wrong in our marriage. When he moved us to a small town in AL from NY I was so depressed and unhappy then I had a really rough pregnancy resulting in our son being born prematurely. Looking back now I realized how bad I had treated him when I was depressed (and undiagnosed) and he could've left me right there and then but he stayed. I had apologized wholeheartedly to him and told him I want our relationship to be the way it used to. He didn't give much reactions to that. Now that he's in a country that practically worships white man and girls will do anything to get him I think he fell into that famous "Yellow fever" disease and I had lost him

wonderful yo admit you were b*tchy and not to nice while pregant..HOWEVER you did not have some man living with you in you and your husbands home did you? you are not out 24 hours and then some lying to him about staying at work or working overtime THAT long? YOU are not lying to him when you say its an employee party for employee only.

He is not trying to call you and have YOU ignore his calls is he???

NO he is doing this to you. He is not pregnant raging with screwed up hormones. He is just being a full on jerk about things and lying to you!

I've been trying to call him since I woke up before 6 this morning but he didn't pick up and I texted him again with no answer.

Also, I just found out his profile on one of those Asian sex website yesterday.

HMM you have tried calling him for HOURS and not even a text back?? Have you called his WORK to ask for him? To see if he even showed up?? at this point I would wonder if he is not lying about what days he has OFF.. Sounds to me he has a side dish and not wanting YOU to find out.

A SEX SITE that he has a profile at?? GIRL come on. This is obvious he is looking for others to have sex with! You know he already has in your heart, after all you do not MOVE another woman into the home *just to help her out* while YOU are married and NOT tell your wife.

I would also get an STD check or not have sex with him until YOU know you are safe even sexually, because if he did do something with other women..YOU are putting yourself at risk by sleeping with him. ( sorry I do not mean to sound mean or harsh..Just worried SICK about you!!)

on your post about him wanting to *head back where you first started. BEEN THERE DONE IT GIRL.

Why are YOU blaming YOURSELF for hurting him? YOU are not the one visiting sex sites and making a profile, your not staying out all hours of the night and not answering HIS calls or text

STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR HIS IMMATURE AND MENTALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR!!

have YOU noticed he would not text you till you got livid at him??? COME ON! I been there. I would stay up for HOURS worried my ex was in a wreck and so on. i left 200 messages one time in a 38 hour time frame because he was out for 39 hours!!!!!! NO calls nothing, letting me know he was okay and then he called AFTER I told him I was calling the police OR saying so who is she THIS time.

He would then want to pack and move to a familiar place we had been to, like YOUR hubby, He would say well I would not do these things if YOU would not nag...WHATEVER

I would not nag if you would stop acting like your 15!

If it were me Hun your husband would be on the curb with NOTHING. He has lied so many times to you and yet YOU blame yourself? STOP being co-Dependant. He is mentally abusive and immature.

He is not worth a pot to pee in babygirl and YOU and YOUR SON ..deserve BETTER!!

[sib 7]

Completely different question:

How long were you outside of US? If you were outside of US for more than 6 months you might have difficulties coming back. You are still on a conditional green card.

Regarding what is going on between your husband and you, I am very concerned that there is a lot more to it that what is told by your husband.

A lot of what he is saying sounds like excuses. And I don't think he is really honest to you. Maybe he does not want you to get depressed again, but what he is doing at the moment is holding you on a leash, dangling like a puppet ...

Believe me, I took a lot of mental abuse during my life and it will not change! Either he can talk or he can't. Either he can be honest or he can't. ...

For you not to be able to stay with him would really bother me. How much is it bothering him?

Is he concerned regarding the future of your son? ...

I wish you luck, but get your US issues taken care of also. It would be really bad to loose your green card status. And your son's citizenship can not help.

Sib