Lost & Confuse

[LuvinNY 0]

I really hate to have to come and ask this questions but I can't run from reality anymore.

We've been married for over 3 years now and I'm still a holder of contional P.R that will expire next in June 2009.

We moved to asia coz DH got a new job there. It took me several months before my son and I can join him. Before we moved here we've had our problems and our marriage was rocky. But when I got here intending to make things work out with us, I found him changed. He's so cold to me like he doesn't love me anymore. Then I found out he had a girl in the apartment we are living because I found some clues here and there. He said nothing happen and he was just giving her a place to stay for a 3-4 weeks (his friend asked him to do it as a favor). I was crushed but what's killing me is how cold he is and how unhappy he looks. We are now living like a roommate and I feel like I'm slowly dying here.

I still love him so much but it's killing me to live like this and whenever I tried to talk to him about it he just shut down and only told me that he stil love me (saying this while staring blankly at the floor) and he said its because we were separated for months and he needs time to get use to having us again. What???? I can't believe what I'm hearing and his actions speaks louder then the mere I love yous. He won't go to counceling at all.

Now, with my green card about to expire and if I do file for a divorce I don't even know where to start. We don't own a home in the US prior to the moving. To come back to my home country is the last option I have and I really don't want to do that because of what I will be facing there. Divorce is still a big taboo there and in my age I will never find a good job there so I want to come back to the US to start a new life for me and my son.

Pls somebody help me.

[Cham 3]

I know you are unhappy but I would stay a while and just wait to get your new Gc and then go from there. I am not sure how that works out so maybe someone can help you.

It seems to me you both need to seek help. If he wont go to counseling YOU should. You sound depressed and for the sake of the children DO THAT. Your son does not need mom depressed when dad is being a jerk right now. Take care of YOU!!!

I pray it all works out for you and you find the help and advice that you need!

Any ideas anyone?????

[LuvinNY 0]

Thanks Cham!

I really don't know how I'm going to survive a few more months living like this but if there's no way out then I will just have to wait until we apply for the removal of condition. I just pray and hope that he will change although to be honest I am running empty on hope right now.

I already feels like a rotten bad mom to my son right now as I really can't function anymore & DH's attitude really doesn't help at all. He can't even touch me anymore and spent so many nights 'working late' who knows what's really going on. I had told him that I want to work on our marriage that it doesn't matter anymore if something did happen or not with that girl but I want him back and I need to see that he wants to save this as much as I am, which sadly he can't seems to do.

[MsZ 6]

Working late is a bad sign. But you know that. Did you talk to his "friend"?

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

[LuvinNY 0]

He worked so much late hours even stayed at work for more than 24 hours and now he didn't come home again after saying that he have to go to company's new year's eve dinner party (only for employee he said). I am so crushed right now I feel like I want to run away and just go back to my home country but I know there is no future there for me and my son.

Thank you.

[LuvinNY 0]

Did you talk to his "friend"?

No, I only know a couple of his friends from work but I don't have their phone numbers and I try not to snoop around by asking those guys because one of them is really a jerk that has been asking him to go out & 'have beers' all the time.

[Ling Ling 22]

He worked so much late hours even stayed at work for more than 24 hours and now he didn't come home again after saying that he have to go to company's new year's eve dinner party (only for employee he said). I am so crushed right now I feel like I want to run away and just go back to my home country but I know there is no future there for me and my son.

Thank you.

That sounds like BS to me. What company would insist on separating an employee from their family on a holiday...for non work related activities?

Maybe someone else can chime in with an example, but I've never heard of such a thing.

It sounds like you entered the marriage in good faith, and during the separation (and having this girl in the apartment) something's gone wrong.

You have a son now, and from what you've said, you've done nothing wrong.

As others have said, try to stick it out until you get conditions removed. Maybe in that time things will workout between you two.

I hope I'm wrong about the party and your husband, but more importantly I hope you and your son are OK.

[LuvinNY 0]

That sounds like BS to me. What company would insist on separating an employee from their family on a holiday...for non work related activities?

Maybe someone else can chime in with an example, but I've never heard of such a thing.

It sounds like you entered the marriage in good faith, and during the separation (and having this girl in the apartment) something's gone wrong.

You have a son now, and from what you've said, you've done nothing wrong.

As others have said, try to stick it out until you get conditions removed. Maybe in that time things will workout between you two.

I hope I'm wrong about the party and your husband, but more importantly I hope you and your son are OK.

I'm not sure but we're in China and he works for a Chinese company.

Oh I've done my share of wrong in our marriage. When he moved us to a small town in AL from NY I was so depressed and unhappy then I had a really rough pregnancy resulting in our son being born prematurely. Looking back now I realized how bad I had treated him when I was depressed (and undiagnosed) and he could've left me right there and then but he stayed. I had appologized wholeheartedly to him and told him I want our relationship to be the way it used to. He didn't give much reactions to that. Now that he's in a country that practically worships white man and girls will do anything to get him I think he fell into that famous "Yellow fever" disease and I had lost him.

I've been trying to call him since I woke up before 6 this morning but he didn't pick up and I texted him again with no answer.

Also, I just found out his profile on one of those asian sex website yesterday.

I know I need that 10 years green card if I want to provide my son with a better future but I just don't know how I'm suppose to hang on while he's treating me like this.

I'm sorry but right now I feel like I want to wail and scratch the wall just to get this pain out of my chest.

Thank you so much!

[Ling Ling 22]

That sounds like BS to me. What company would insist on separating an employee from their family on a holiday...for non work related activities?

Maybe someone else can chime in with an example, but I've never heard of such a thing.

It sounds like you entered the marriage in good faith, and during the separation (and having this girl in the apartment) something's gone wrong.

You have a son now, and from what you've said, you've done nothing wrong.

As others have said, try to stick it out until you get conditions removed. Maybe in that time things will workout between you two.

I hope I'm wrong about the party and your husband, but more importantly I hope you and your son are OK.

I'm not sure but we're in China and he works for a Chinese company.

Oh I've done my share of wrong in our marriage. When he moved us to a small town in AL from NY I was so depressed and unhappy then I had a really rough pregnancy resulting in our son being born prematurely. Looking back now I realized how bad I had treated him when I was depressed (and undiagnosed) and he could've left me right there and then but he stayed. I had appologized wholeheartedly to him and told him I want our relationship to be the way it used to. He didn't give much reactions to that. Now that he's in a country that practically worships white man and girls will do anything to get him I think he fell into that famous "Yellow fever" disease and I had lost him.

I've been trying to call him since I woke up before 6 this morning but he didn't pick up and I texted him again with no answer.

Also, I just found out his profile on one of those asian sex website yesterday.

I know I need that 10 years green card if I want to provide my son with a better future but I just don't know how I'm suppose to hang on while he's treating me like this.

I'm sorry but right now I feel like I want to wail and scratch the wall just to get this pain out of my chest.

Thank you so much!

WOW...admiting that you've done wrong...that's HUGE...even anonymously on the internet.

Are you from an Asian country? Not that it makes a difference. Your grammar is pretty outstanding for anyone that doesn't use it as a first language...hell for anyone that uses it as a first language, it's amazingly good.

So he's given you a chance to fix things...now's your turn to give him a chance....and stop looking for stuff.

If you keep looking, you're just going to find more stuff...and it's just gonna make you angrier.

I think what's probably the most frustrating, is that he's not responding to your calls and texts.

I think right now, you want to wail and scratch, but you'd also like to hear his voice.

Hang in there.

[LuvinNY 0]

WOW...admiting that you've done wrong...that's HUGE...even anonymously on the internet.

Are you from an Asian country? Not that it makes a difference. Your grammar is pretty outstanding for anyone that doesn't use it as a first language...hell for anyone that uses it as a first language, it's amazingly good.

So he's given you a chance to fix things...now's your turn to give him a chance....and stop looking for stuff.

If you keep looking, you're just going to find more stuff...and it's just gonna make you angrier.

I think what's probably the most frustrating, is that he's not responding to your calls and texts.

I think right now, you want to wail and scratch, but you'd also like to hear his voice.

Hang in there.

I appologized to him in person and even wrote him a long letter which he responded as "I like it". I think it might be way too late now, that he had checked out from this marriage while I was away.

Yes I'm from Asia (sorry I can't really reveal which country as I used to be a regular here and I still remember some of the old timers names). Thank you.

I am giving him a chance but his actions really speaks louder than his words. How can you tell someone that you love them but then leave them waiting all night long alone without any explanation. Two days ago he did this saying he had to work all night and he didn't message me or nothing, then when he came home and I hesitate when he tried to kiss me he snapped saying "Don't you start!". So I am not even suppose to question or get upset if he decided not to come home all night. In my head I pictured if he meant what he's saying he could've done more than ignoring me and treating me like a stranger.

I've gone from mad to worry to desperate. I tried calling his office number but the girl who picked the phone can't understand the simplest english word I said.

Thank you for the encouragements. I really am loosing all hopes right now.

[Old Dominion 26]

Based only on what you have said, is there no chance of your returning NOW to the US? No one should be required to put up with his kind of behavior, which now extends to advertising his availability online!!! He is no longer your husband by any stretch of the imagination.

You need to be in a position to file for divorce ASAP and deal with the green card issue in any way you can. Just how to do it, I am not sure. But I do know it can be done.

That's just my opinion.

[LuvinNY 0]

Based only on what you have said, is there no chance of your returning NOW to the US? No one should be required to put up with his kind of behavior, which now extends to advertising his availability online!!! He is no longer your husband by any stretch of the imagination.

You need to be in a position to file for divorce ASAP and deal with the green card issue in any way you can. Just how to do it, I am not sure. But I do know it can be done.

That's just my opinion.

That's why I feel so trapped here, I don't know how am I suppose to return to the US now since I have no money with me at all, no credit card, nothing. He closed our US bank account awhile ago and now hold a Chinese bank account under his name. I can ask my parents to loan me some money but I don't know how to file for divorce in the US as I found out I have to be a resident in that State for a minimum of 6 months before I can file it. It's so complicated. It even crossed my mind to leave my son with my parents and so I can return to the US and take care of what's needed to be done. I doubt he will sign the divorce paper tho' because on our last 'big talk' he said he will never get divorce again (he was married before). I wish somebody can help me out.

Thank you.

[mnieto 2]

Based only on what you have said, is there no chance of your returning NOW to the US? No one should be required to put up with his kind of behavior, which now extends to advertising his availability online!!! He is no longer your husband by any stretch of the imagination.

You need to be in a position to file for divorce ASAP and deal with the green card issue in any way you can. Just how to do it, I am not sure. But I do know it can be done.

That's just my opinion.

That's why I feel so trapped here, I don't know how am I suppose to return to the US now since I have no money with me at all, no credit card, nothing. He closed our US bank account awhile ago and now hold a Chinese bank account under his name. I can ask my parents to loan me some money but I don't know how to file for divorce in the US as I found out I have to be a resident in that State for a minimum of 6 months before I can file it. It's so complicated. It even crossed my mind to leave my son with my parents and so I can return to the US and take care of what's needed to be done. I doubt he will sign the divorce paper tho' because on our last 'big talk' he said he will never get divorce again (he was married before). I wish somebody can help me out.

Thank you.

Because it is so complicated I think it wouldn't be wise from your side to add on to the complication. If you have parents who are alive and can help out, it's maybe wise to take your child and seek support at your parent's. Even if you think it's embarrassing to be a separated woman in your country, I guess it would be even more painful to continue this kind of lifestyle with your husband (if he doesn't change his ways).

I'd just like to ask you to be very careful, whatever you do. Saying that he'll never get divorced again raises a red flag ( in my opinion). Be safe and take care of yourself,ok?

[Ling Ling 22]

Saying that he'll never get divorced again is a pretty bold statement to make in a heated argument.

It can mean,

1. I will work with you to resolve the marriage.

2. I will cheat on you and make you suffer, rather than risk you taking some of my money in a divorce.

3. I will make you disappear and become a widower, free to marry again.

4. I'll kill myself before going through another divorce.

Again, since the conversation was heated, I'd discount possibility #1 & #4.

I don't want to scare you, but I'd rather you had your eyes open to all possibilities, than have to regret holding back.

There are women's centers and free legal assistance centers that will help you with a divorce.

Although there are residency requirements for a divorce, typically the state that married you can also divorce you....they have jurisdiction

over the marriage.

The biggest complications come with his living in China and being employed by a Chinese company.

China has no extradition treaty with the US, so I doubt they have any treaty to enforce things like child support.

If you were in the US, after filing for divorce or separation, the court could order that he continues to support you and your son.

Being in China...there's not much a US court can do...and even if you return to the US...there's not much you can do except divorce him,

and get your unconditional green card. Given the circumstances you've stated, I doubt you'll be denied the new green card.

I guess the best thing to do would be to borrow the money needed to get back to the US....and start putting your life back together.

[Old Dominion 26]

Wherever in the US you last lived, there is a Legal Aid Society to provide you with the necessary legal help. The one near here is dealing with more and more tough marital/immigration situations probably as complicated as yours is. Also, the Catholic Church has programs to help anyone, not just Catholics, who need to have a place to call home.

You qualify for removing conditions because even though the marriage has ended, you were being subjected to abuse.