When a Woman Isn't In the Mood: Part II

[one...two...tree 2,762]

(holy mackerel! )

By Dennis Prager

In Part I, I made the argument that any woman who is married to a good man and who wants a happy marriage ought to consent to at least some form of sexual relations as much as possible. (Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)

In Part II, I advance the argument that a wife should do so even when she is not in the mood for sexual relations. I am talking about mood, not about times of emotional distress or illness.

Why?

Here are eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.

1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons -- female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested -- there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.

What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can -- indeed, ought to -- refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?

This brings us to the next reasons.

3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one’s feelings, became decisive: “No shoulds, no oughts.” In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never “should” have it. But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”

4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her “property.” Of course, the very fact that she can always say “no” -- and that this “no” must be honored -- renders the “property” argument absurd. A woman is not “property” when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations -- as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods -- are likely to be the best marriages.

5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance -- because women’s feelings are of more importance than men’s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed -- she is in the mood for sex and he is not -- our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.

6. Yet another outgrowth of ’60s thinking is the notion that it is “hypocritical” or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one’s feelings. One should always act, post-’60s theory teaches, consistent with one’s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one’s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn’t the payoff -- a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home -- worth it?

7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks -- and she has every reason to seek it -- it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.

8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one’s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one’s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.

The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, “Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.”

That solution is for a wife who loves her husband -- if she doesn’t love him, mood is not the problem -- to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.

If her husband is a decent man -- if he is not, nothing written here applies -- a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.

http://townhall.com/Columnists/DennisPrage...he_mood_part_ii

[Jenn! 918]

There is something to be said for "just sucking it up and doing it", pun intended.

However, methinks this guy just doesn't get it when he wants it.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

There is something to be said for "just sucking it up and doing it", pun intended.

However, methinks this guy just doesn't get it when he wants it.

...and this part:

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

I don't know who he is trying to kid, but what the husband is craving for isn't just a need to feel loved by his wife.

Edited December 30, 2008 by Mister Fancypants

[Jasman0717 9]

This probably isn't relevant but it thought it was funny. My sister found it in an old book she had. She thought it a funny joke so gave it to my daughter on her wedding day

Instruction and advice for the young Bride:

Printed by Spiritual Guidance press in 1884

To the young woman who has had the benefits of a proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and the most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrifible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure. Beware such an attitude! One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. On the other hand, the bride’s terror need not be extreme. While sex, at best, is revolting and, at worst, painful, it has to be endured, and has been endured by women since the beginning of time.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by, she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness and headaches are among the bride’s best friends. Arguments, nagging, scolding and bickering also prove effective, if used about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week at the end of the first year and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many wives have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. She can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced clothed and only in total darkness. Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bead and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him. She should let him grope in the dark. When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible.

As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must ensure that there is no peace for him to enjoy.

One heartening factor is the fact that the husband’s home, school, church and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings. The wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband'’ desire for sexual expression.

[DeadPoolX 9]

There is something to be said for "just sucking it up and doing it", pun intended.

However, methinks this guy just doesn't get it when he wants it.

...and this part:

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

I don't know who he is trying to kid, but what the husband is craving for isn't just a need to feel loved by his wife.

Perhaps not, but I understand what the author was saying. Mood isn't a justifiable excuse for most areas of life.

[Jenn! 918]

Perhaps not, but I understand what the author was saying. Mood isn't a justifiable excuse for most areas of life.

Yes and perhaps if he hadn't gone off on his anti-"60's thinking"-tirade he might still have a shred of credibility (with me at least, I'm sure there are plenty who agree with him).

[DeadPoolX 9]

Perhaps not, but I understand what the author was saying. Mood isn't a justifiable excuse for most areas of life.

Yes and perhaps if he hadn't gone off on his anti-"60's thinking"-tirade he might still have a shred of credibility (with me at least, I'm sure there are plenty who agree with him).

I agree. I'm not sure what his point was with that.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

There is something to be said for "just sucking it up and doing it", pun intended.

However, methinks this guy just doesn't get it when he wants it.

...and this part:

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

I don't know who he is trying to kid, but what the husband is craving for isn't just a need to feel loved by his wife.

Perhaps not, but I understand what the author was saying. Mood isn't a justifiable excuse for most areas of life.

If she's not feeling very keen about having sex with her husband to a point that it becomes a problem in the marriage, then they both should see a therapist. There are many 'turn-offs' as well 'turn-ons' for each partner. It's not very appealing, IMO, for a spouse to be merely going through the motions just to satisfy their husband's sexual appetite.

Edited December 30, 2008 by Mister Fancypants

[DeadPoolX 9]

There is something to be said for "just sucking it up and doing it", pun intended.

However, methinks this guy just doesn't get it when he wants it.

...and this part:

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

I don't know who he is trying to kid, but what the husband is craving for isn't just a need to feel loved by his wife.

Perhaps not, but I understand what the author was saying. Mood isn't a justifiable excuse for most areas of life.

If she's not feeling very keen about having sex with her husband to a point that it becomes a problem in the marriage, then they both should see a therapist. There are many 'turn-offs' as well 'turn-ons' for each partner. It's not very appealing, IMO, for a spouse to be merely going through the motions just to satisfy their husband's sexual appetite.

All in all, I'd have to agree. However, if either partner is denying the other sex (on purpose or not) then a whole multitude of problems can occur.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

There is something to be said for "just sucking it up and doing it", pun intended.

However, methinks this guy just doesn't get any it when he wants it.

fixxored

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Perhaps not, but I understand what the author was saying. Mood isn't a justifiable excuse for most areas of life.

Yes and perhaps if he hadn't gone off on his anti-"60's thinking"-tirade he might still have a shred of credibility (with me at least, I'm sure there are plenty who agree with him).

I agree. I'm not sure what his point was with that.

Because Prager is linking the Women's Movement with the sexual unhappiness of married men.

[Tahoma 2,292]

This probably isn't relevant but it thought it was funny. My sister found it in an old book she had. She thought it a funny joke so gave it to my daughter on her wedding day

Instruction and advice for the young Bride:

Printed by Spiritual Guidance press in 1884

To the young woman who has had the benefits of a proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and the most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrifible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure. Beware such an attitude! One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. On the other hand, the bride’s terror need not be extreme. While sex, at best, is revolting and, at worst, painful, it has to be endured, and has been endured by women since the beginning of time.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by, she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness and headaches are among the bride’s best friends. Arguments, nagging, scolding and bickering also prove effective, if used about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week at the end of the first year and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many wives have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. She can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced clothed and only in total darkness. Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bead and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him. She should let him grope in the dark. When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible.

As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must ensure that there is no peace for him to enjoy.

One heartening factor is the fact that the husband’s home, school, church and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings. The wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband'’ desire for sexual expression.

[mox 298]

(Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)

This is the part I don't understand. Literally. I mean...it's all English words and stuff, but it's not arranged in any order that's comprehensible to me. Is it a typo or what?

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Perhaps not, but I understand what the author was saying. Mood isn't a justifiable excuse for most areas of life.

Yes and perhaps if he hadn't gone off on his anti-"60's thinking"-tirade he might still have a shred of credibility (with me at least, I'm sure there are plenty who agree with him).

I agree. I'm not sure what his point was with that.

Because Prager is linking the Women's Movement with the sexual unhappiness of married men.

WHAT? You mean they are NOT related? I thought Feminism was the root of all evil.... + the perfect pansy for short-endowed men

[one...two...tree 2,762]

(Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)

This is the part I don't understand. Literally. I mean...it's all English words and stuff, but it's not arranged in any order that's comprehensible to me. Is it a typo or what?

Translation: Me so horny...me love you long time?