Sub-Saharan Cyber Cafe #3

[Simply_Uno 1]

I haven't been on here in since forever. Well since I remembered my password and it still worked, guess I can say hello to anyone that is still around. Take care and continue to do whatcha do!

later taters

[WhidbeyGirl 1]

Uno!! Hello girly!

Hubby just filed naturalization application on July 3rd!!! Hoping to have citizenship in hand before the deadline to register to vote for this election!

[reeses16 8]

Hi everyone! Just popping into say hello and post a few updates. I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. Excited AND terrified. But I'm looking forward to meeting our little boy, the end of swollen unreachable feet, and being able to do all the things on the mommy's no-no list (sleep on my stomach, beer, wine, sauna!).

The last few months have been the most difficult in my life. I left my husband, filed for divorce, moved across country to live with my parents, started a new job, and continued working on my dissertation (hoping to graduate no later than Jan.). I don't think I'll ever understand what happened with my husband. We had 5 wonderful years together, planned this pregnancy (first child for us both), and then soon after my pregnancy he just completely lost his mind. He quit his job days before we confirmed my pregnancy (then refused to look for a new one until I told him I was leaving), started abusing drugs (refused to quit or seek treatment), then spent all of our savings to go home to Ethiopia for 2 months (called after 1 month to say he spent it all). When he got back from Ethiopia he was literally a different person (180 degrees different)- he started telling me that women are lower than men, all of a sudden certain household chores that we shared became "a woman's job", that I had to realize he was an "African Man" (he used this to justify things like refusing to listen to the baby's heartbeat or be a part of the ultrasound and to refuse to look at any of the ultrasound keepsake photos). He then started telling me at least once a week that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant and that I tried to trap him. He would apologize, but then start it all over again the next week. I was devastated to hear him say these things to me. Before my pregnancy, my husband had never said anything/ or treated me in way that indicated men and women were not equal in his mind...but maybe those were his private thoughts. I also found suspicious text messages to/from other women (nothing that was clear evidence of infidelity, but I'm not stupid). I didn't see this coming. Finally, I realized we couldn't continue living on the West Coast. I couldn't support us by myself, I needed to be closer to my family for support, and my husband would never get better living in a place and near friends that enabled his addiction. I applied for and got a job in my home state. I told my parents I was coming home. They said my husband could come too, but that he had to get addiction treatment (they would pay), all in an effort to keep our family together. I explained that to my husband and added that if things were going to workout that we needed marriage counseling as well. He refused. He said that no one could take away his freedom. That it was his God given right as a man to take drugs, and that I needed to accept it and move on. I gave notice at my job and moved 2 weeks later. I asked my husband to come with me, but he said no- he choose to stay one the West Coast without a job and a stable place to live.

Sometimes I feel like a failure- I'm in my 30's living with my parents, my marriage fell apart, and I baby on the way. But when I reflect on the situation I feel like I did everything I could to make things work, talking gently with my husband (then more firmly), enlisting help from family and friends, seeking counseling on my own. I'm thankful that some of my burdens are much less now. I think it will take at least 2 years to get back on track financially and hopefully finalize the divorce (one minute, my husband doesn't object and will sign the papers, the next he refuses). I've talked to my husband since I moved, and every conversation is a reminder that I did the right thing.

I hope everyone else has fared much better in the last new months!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Hi everyone! Just popping into say hello and post a few updates. I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. Excited AND terrified. But I'm looking forward to meeting our little boy, the end of swollen unreachable feet, and being able to do all the things on the mommy's no-no list (sleep on my stomach, beer, wine, sauna!).

The last few months have been the most difficult in my life. I left my husband, filed for divorce, moved across country to live with my parents, started a new job, and continued working on my dissertation (hoping to graduate no later than Jan.). I don't think I'll ever understand what happened with my husband. We had 5 wonderful years together, planned this pregnancy (first child for us both), and then soon after my pregnancy he just completely lost his mind. He quit his job days before we confirmed my pregnancy (then refused to look for a new one until I told him I was leaving), started abusing drugs (refused to quit or seek treatment), then spent all of our savings to go home to Ethiopia for 2 months (called after 1 month to say he spent it all). When he got back from Ethiopia he was literally a different person (180 degrees different)- he started telling me that women are lower than men, all of a sudden certain household chores that we shared became "a woman's job", that I had to realize he was an "African Man" (he used this to justify things like refusing to listen to the baby's heartbeat or be a part of the ultrasound and to refuse to look at any of the ultrasound keepsake photos). He then started telling me at least once a week that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant and that I tried to trap him. He would apologize, but then start it all over again the next week. I was devastated to hear him say these things to me. Before my pregnancy, my husband had never said anything/ or treated me in way that indicated men and women were not equal in his mind...but maybe those were his private thoughts. I also found suspicious text messages to/from other women (nothing that was clear evidence of infidelity, but I'm not stupid). I didn't see this coming. Finally, I realized we couldn't continue living on the West Coast. I couldn't support us by myself, I needed to be closer to my family for support, and my husband would never get better living in a place and near friends that enabled his addiction. I applied for and got a job in my home state. I told my parents I was coming home. They said my husband could come too, but that he had to get addiction treatment (they would pay), all in an effort to keep our family together. I explained that to my husband and added that if things were going to workout that we needed marriage counseling as well. He refused. He said that no one could take away his freedom. That it was his God given right as a man to take drugs, and that I needed to accept it and move on. I gave notice at my job and moved 2 weeks later. I asked my husband to come with me, but he said no- he choose to stay one the West Coast without a job and a stable place to live.

Sometimes I feel like a failure- I'm in my 30's living with my parents, my marriage fell apart, and I baby on the way. But when I reflect on the situation I feel like I did everything I could to make things work, talking gently with my husband (then more firmly), enlisting help from family and friends, seeking counseling on my own. I'm thankful that some of my burdens are much less now. I think it will take at least 2 years to get back on track financially and hopefully finalize the divorce (one minute, my husband doesn't object and will sign the papers, the next he refuses). I've talked to my husband since I moved, and every conversation is a reminder that I did the right thing.

I hope everyone else has fared much better in the last new months!

I guess it depends on the locality but in most states he cannot stop the divorce.

One thing I want to express to you is that while it's not wrong to feel like a failure that I hope it's short lived. You are not a failure. You have your schooling, your family, your new job, etc going for you. Sometimes in life this opportunities to reassess ourselves comes up. Be thankful that yours came at a reasonable time. Imagine if you were further along maybe with a 3 kids, mortgages, business together, etc

I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Wow sorry for what you are going through. You are going through a rough but ever more common stage of life in America. Most couples hit major bumps in their late 30's and early 40's. You aren't were you expect to be and you want to fix it at all cost. I have seen so many friends and co workers go through this. Don't feel bad you will come out ahead.

[InHisTime 110]

Hi everyone! Just popping into say hello and post a few updates. I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. Excited AND terrified. But I'm looking forward to meeting our little boy, the end of swollen unreachable feet, and being able to do all the things on the mommy's no-no list (sleep on my stomach, beer, wine, sauna!).

The last few months have been the most difficult in my life. I left my husband, filed for divorce, moved across country to live with my parents, started a new job, and continued working on my dissertation (hoping to graduate no later than Jan.). I don't think I'll ever understand what happened with my husband. We had 5 wonderful years together, planned this pregnancy (first child for us both), and then soon after my pregnancy he just completely lost his mind. He quit his job days before we confirmed my pregnancy (then refused to look for a new one until I told him I was leaving), started abusing drugs (refused to quit or seek treatment), then spent all of our savings to go home to Ethiopia for 2 months (called after 1 month to say he spent it all). When he got back from Ethiopia he was literally a different person (180 degrees different)- he started telling me that women are lower than men, all of a sudden certain household chores that we shared became "a woman's job", that I had to realize he was an "African Man" (he used this to justify things like refusing to listen to the baby's heartbeat or be a part of the ultrasound and to refuse to look at any of the ultrasound keepsake photos). He then started telling me at least once a week that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant and that I tried to trap him. He would apologize, but then start it all over again the next week. I was devastated to hear him say these things to me. Before my pregnancy, my husband had never said anything/ or treated me in way that indicated men and women were not equal in his mind...but maybe those were his private thoughts. I also found suspicious text messages to/from other women (nothing that was clear evidence of infidelity, but I'm not stupid). I didn't see this coming. Finally, I realized we couldn't continue living on the West Coast. I couldn't support us by myself, I needed to be closer to my family for support, and my husband would never get better living in a place and near friends that enabled his addiction. I applied for and got a job in my home state. I told my parents I was coming home. They said my husband could come too, but that he had to get addiction treatment (they would pay), all in an effort to keep our family together. I explained that to my husband and added that if things were going to workout that we needed marriage counseling as well. He refused. He said that no one could take away his freedom. That it was his God given right as a man to take drugs, and that I needed to accept it and move on. I gave notice at my job and moved 2 weeks later. I asked my husband to come with me, but he said no- he choose to stay one the West Coast without a job and a stable place to live.

Sometimes I feel like a failure- I'm in my 30's living with my parents, my marriage fell apart, and I baby on the way. But when I reflect on the situation I feel like I did everything I could to make things work, talking gently with my husband (then more firmly), enlisting help from family and friends, seeking counseling on my own. I'm thankful that some of my burdens are much less now. I think it will take at least 2 years to get back on track financially and hopefully finalize the divorce (one minute, my husband doesn't object and will sign the papers, the next he refuses). I've talked to my husband since I moved, and every conversation is a reminder that I did the right thing.

I hope everyone else has fared much better in the last new months!

Sorry for what you are going through. Take care of yourself and your baby. This child is an angel for sure. Focus on your studies as well, that would help shape your good future. I'm sure this experience would even make you a stronger and better person - as God wants us to be. May the Lord bless and guide you.

[reeses16 8]

Thank you everyone for the support and well wishes.

@ Gowon, agreed definitely better now than later. I didn't expect to be a single mom, but I am looking forward to motherhood and getting to know, enjoy and teach our little boy. You're absolutely right. According to my lawyer, my husband can not prevent the divorce. It will take a longer and be more expensive, but it will be finalized.

@ NigeriaorBust, thanks for the support. Divorce is really common, but I never thought it would happen to me. I'm hopeful that things will continue to get better.

@InHisTime, thank you for the encouragement. I'm thankful that my dissertation committee is supportive of me. They all knew my husband well. They've really rallied around me during all of this (no objections to moving out of state, glowing recommendations for my new positions, and getting timely feedback to me in hopes that I can complete dissertation writing before the baby arrives. I'll defend/official complete my PhD after the baby is born). I'm confident that there will be new opportunities and lessons from this experience.

[InHisTime 110]

Thank you everyone for the support and well wishes.

@ Gowon, agreed definitely better now than later. I didn't expect to be a single mom, but I am looking forward to motherhood and getting to know, enjoy and teach our little boy. You're absolutely right. According to my lawyer, my husband can not prevent the divorce. It will take a longer and be more expensive, but it will be finalized.

@ NigeriaorBust, thanks for the support. Divorce is really common, but I never thought it would happen to me. I'm hopeful that things will continue to get better.

@InHisTime, thank you for the encouragement. I'm thankful that my dissertation committee is supportive of me. They all knew my husband well. They've really rallied around me during all of this (no objections to moving out of state, glowing recommendations for my new positions, and getting timely feedback to me in hopes that I can complete dissertation writing before the baby arrives. I'll defend/official complete my PhD after the baby is born). I'm confident that there will be new opportunities and lessons from this experience.

You are welcome! sure you will reap your success ! I'm too a single mom but I'm doing great, got a good job and enjoying life -- you will make it better for sure, just do your best and let God do the rest. Good luck and God bless !

[Zee Bee 61]

Reeses,

You and I have communicated so much over the years and I consider you a friend. I read your post and my heart breaks for you and what you are going through. Of all the people who go through this journey I never thought that you would be going through this. I don't know why your husband has suddenly turned out like this. I don't know if anyone will be able to explain what happened.

I'm happy to hear that you have supportive family ad are on track to finish our degree. The most important thing is to make sure that you have a safe, happy, healthy environment for your son.

Wishing you all the best and I'm always here if you need anything.

[reeses16 8]

Zee! Its been a long time. I hope your hubby and baby are doing well. Did you finish your PhD?!?

Yeah, sometimes I try to figure out what happen. But I am slowly making peace with the fact that the whole situation doesn't make sense. My husband is no longer functioning in a way that is rational or logical and the changes were so quick and profound. I don't think its possible to make sense out of nonsense.

Reeses,

You and I have communicated so much over the years and I consider you a friend. I read your post and my heart breaks for you and what you are going through. Of all the people who go through this journey I never thought that you would be going through this. I don't know why your husband has suddenly turned out like this. I don't know if anyone will be able to explain what happened.

I'm happy to hear that you have supportive family ad are on track to finish our degree. The most important thing is to make sure that you have a safe, happy, healthy environment for your son.

Wishing you all the best and I'm always here if you need anything.

[WhidbeyGirl 1]

WOW reeces, I'm so sorry. I haven't been here in awhile and came here to find you to discuss issues I'm having. I pray everything went well with your delivery and you are enjoying you little one. Would love to chat with you sometime after you acclaimated to your new life with baby. (((HUGS)))

[reeses16 8]

On September 9th I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. He is absolutely adorable and amazing.

I ended up having a C-section (AFTER dilating to 10 cm) because I couldn't push the baby out (tried for an hour he barely budged and it was frustrating because the doctor and nurses could all see a head full of hair , he was getting distressed, and I developed a fever. Although I was terrified to get a C-section, I was just happy that both the baby and I were safe. We had a longer hospital stay because of the fever I developed and wanted to rule out infection.

At this time I am absolutely sleep deprived lol. Its 2 am, I'm pumping breast milk and trying to get caught up on FB, VJ etc. But I am enjoying being a mom and so thankful that my parents are here to help and support mel

@Whidbey,

[reeses16 8]

@ Whidbey, Thanks! Send me a PM and I've be happy discuss whatever you wanted to chat about.

[Linguere 0]

Reeses, I just wanted to reach my arms out and give you a big hug. I am so sorry this is happening. I hope the future holds much more peace and understanding for you and your son. Thank God for your family. Thank God for them. May you push forward and accomplish all that you wish. Long and happy life for you and your child!

Hi everyone! Just popping into say hello and post a few updates. I'm 38 weeks pregnant today. Excited AND terrified. But I'm looking forward to meeting our little boy, the end of swollen unreachable feet, and being able to do all the things on the mommy's no-no list (sleep on my stomach, beer, wine, sauna!).

The last few months have been the most difficult in my life. I left my husband, filed for divorce, moved across country to live with my parents, started a new job, and continued working on my dissertation (hoping to graduate no later than Jan.). I don't think I'll ever understand what happened with my husband. We had 5 wonderful years together, planned this pregnancy (first child for us both), and then soon after my pregnancy he just completely lost his mind. He quit his job days before we confirmed my pregnancy (then refused to look for a new one until I told him I was leaving), started abusing drugs (refused to quit or seek treatment), then spent all of our savings to go home to Ethiopia for 2 months (called after 1 month to say he spent it all). When he got back from Ethiopia he was literally a different person (180 degrees different)- he started telling me that women are lower than men, all of a sudden certain household chores that we shared became "a woman's job", that I had to realize he was an "African Man" (he used this to justify things like refusing to listen to the baby's heartbeat or be a part of the ultrasound and to refuse to look at any of the ultrasound keepsake photos). He then started telling me at least once a week that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant and that I tried to trap him. He would apologize, but then start it all over again the next week. I was devastated to hear him say these things to me. Before my pregnancy, my husband had never said anything/ or treated me in way that indicated men and women were not equal in his mind...but maybe those were his private thoughts. I also found suspicious text messages to/from other women (nothing that was clear evidence of infidelity, but I'm not stupid). I didn't see this coming. Finally, I realized we couldn't continue living on the West Coast. I couldn't support us by myself, I needed to be closer to my family for support, and my husband would never get better living in a place and near friends that enabled his addiction. I applied for and got a job in my home state. I told my parents I was coming home. They said my husband could come too, but that he had to get addiction treatment (they would pay), all in an effort to keep our family together. I explained that to my husband and added that if things were going to workout that we needed marriage counseling as well. He refused. He said that no one could take away his freedom. That it was his God given right as a man to take drugs, and that I needed to accept it and move on. I gave notice at my job and moved 2 weeks later. I asked my husband to come with me, but he said no- he choose to stay one the West Coast without a job and a stable place to live.

Sometimes I feel like a failure- I'm in my 30's living with my parents, my marriage fell apart, and I baby on the way. But when I reflect on the situation I feel like I did everything I could to make things work, talking gently with my husband (then more firmly), enlisting help from family and friends, seeking counseling on my own. I'm thankful that some of my burdens are much less now. I think it will take at least 2 years to get back on track financially and hopefully finalize the divorce (one minute, my husband doesn't object and will sign the papers, the next he refuses). I've talked to my husband since I moved, and every conversation is a reminder that I did the right thing.

I hope everyone else has fared much better in the last new months!

[Zee Bee 61]

Congrats Reeses!!!