Sub-Saharan Cyber Cafe #3

[WhidbeyGirl 1]

He just started working and got first paycheck. He wanted to help out with the bills so I set up an excel spreadsheet that showed him what I paid each week where and then had it compute how much each us would contribute based on our take home pay. Even though I had been sending him emails weekly showing him where my money was going it never clicked with him how much it costs to live here. He was discouraged when after taking us all out to eat once he only had $77 dollars left for the week to put into savings. He refuses to accept that I have cut everything I possibly can out of the budget, he says we live in poverty and he doesn't want to live like this. I see nothing wrong with the way I live, yes I'd like to own a house, but we can't afford it and my parents have told me the house we live in is ours when they pass away so why would I want to try and buy another. Since he's started working our income has nearly doubled I'm in heaven!!! I've NEVER had money left over after pay day - NEVER, I'm actually going to be able to get the kids gifts myself this year for Christmas. I've asked him to give it a year. I don't know if he will or not. I've told him it's not just me he'll be hurting by leaving, my daughter has bonded so much with him, already calls him Daddy and my son finally has a mature, responsible man he looks up to. I can't force him to stay, so whatever God has in store I'll deal with.

I know this is all transition stuff, I warned him before he came but he was certain all would be fine, "Nigerians can make it anywhere." is what I've been told over and over. I know it's lack of sunshine, extremely small town compared to what he's used too, lack of compatriots, moving from a singleman household to a family of 6 with 3 teenage boys, not much job opportunity on an island forced him to take a job in construction which isn't where he wants to be, I'm a different person with life going on around me compared to when I visited him and was on vacation. I'm ready to face these things head on, I was ready before he came here, it's up to him if he's willing to stand with me.

whew, WG, plz don't be offended by what I am about to say;

it seems as if he had "high hopes/big dreams/grandiose notions" of how his living standards were gonna be once he got to America, after all, he did marry an "Ahhmerikkhan"

I_ donnnn't_Knowwww * * when I was going through "vj" my ex use to say,

"how can you say dat living in Ahhmerikka is hard to an AAFrickhann, we wont beleeeve you! You Ahhmerikkhans will only say dat to discourrrrage us from coming and we wonnnnt beleeeve you!"

Maybe, just maybe he has the same mind set as my ex; he thought YOU were underestimating your own personal situation......and of course they know better than US what American living is like due to MTV and BET and other sensationalized media that's pumped into their country

Now as far as your daughter calling him "daddy"... ...ahem....thats all I'm gonna say about your issue.

I can't talk 'bout you, I can only talk 'bout me: a child of UNOz aint callin no other man daddy; if he just got here and my child only heard of/chatted with/he just integrated into the household/etc....don't care if we's married or naught; 'specially if she/he's old enough to know that that person is NOT their daddy...OMG!!! And UNO would not ever tell a man, "the kids love you or what about the kids" to a man if he wanted to leave, 'specially if they are NOT his kids!

and so he's forced to take a construction job, he should count his blessings, he could be shoveling...####### for a living and eating scavenger.

sorry, he seems unappreciative, but at least he's willing to go back to his home country on his own after realizing "it was all a dream...!"

p.s. I'm just sayin....

UNO

Thanks for your response, it has been logged into my memory bank. We have different perspectives but I do appreciate you taking the time to give me your opinion.

[reeses16 8]

Whidbey,

Sorry to hear whats going on. A couple of things come to my mind.

(1) Your husband is expected to send money home- having so little left over is stressful not only how it impacts your life together, but also his ability to help support his family. Perhaps he can adjust his and his family expectations on this. My hubby and I had different ideas about what to send and how often initially. But once we talked about our short and long term financial goals we came up with plan that suits us both. My husband stepped up and explained the situation to his family- that we are not rich, and we are saving money to have a baby, and that we would not send money regularly (every paycheck, every months). We usually send money on holidays, and if someone calls and needs something. We are lucky in that his family truly understands, it hasn't strained our relationship with them, and we haven't felt that they call us for every little thing.

(2) It was your husbands first paycheck. Maybe he does not understand how pay cycles work....for example he may have worked worked 14 days, but his work spanned 2 different pay periods. Perhaps his was figuring 14 days worth of pay, but his check is only for 7 days.

(3) Is your husband working part time or full time? It was almost a year before my husband found full-time employment and we could begin to live more comfortably and save. ( I had been making the same amount of money but we moved to a much more expensive city soon after we married).

(4) Maybe sit down and discuss expenses, savings goals, and priorities. And make a plan that is a compromise. If he is not satisfied he can always get a 2nd (or 3rd job). If I remember correctly you already work in an office, sell tools, and are staring your business with the goats.

(5) In addressing his adjustment, maybe you two can go off the Island more frequently and come down to Seattle or Vancouver. A bigger place for a change of pace. I'm sorry he's not in a job that he would like to be, but he has a family now and he's got to make the best of it. My husband's first job was not where he envisioned himself at all. His job now is better, but he still has bigger dreams for himself.

Hope this helps. It will take some time. Plus he came to the PNW at the wrong time of the year. Maybe he will feel better by summer.

[WhidbeyGirl 1]

Thanks Reeses.

1. We discussed this before he came here and he told me, "No don't worry about it at all." Yet the other night when he woke me up in the middle of the night one of the things he said was that he used to send his family 100,000CFA every month, so now I know he did expect to send them money, even though he is the youngest.

2. Where he works actually has a GREAT pay process, he is paid every Friday for the work through that Friday, so his paycheck was a complete paycheck.

3. Working full time

4. I keep trying. Part of the issue is me working so much too, especially when he doesn't see any income coming in from the farm or the tools, just outgoing. In farming this is the time period when everything goes out, incoming is in spring and summer and the tools I had taken a year off to be able to sponsor him so I'm rebuilding and so yes money is outgoing, although I have a major radio promotion starting tomorrow so am praying with Christmas coming it will start paying off.

5. Getting off the island is extrememly expensive and we both don't like spending money on excessive things.

I've got him taking Vitamin D to help with the lack of sunshine, even though he doesn't think he needs it. Right now I think a lot of it is two extremely independant people attempting to coexist. I know I'm set in my ways and if not approached at the right time in the right manner any suggestions fall on deaf ears. OH did I mention it was PMS and AF week when all this happened???? LOL!! Bad timing!

[shefellfromheaven 18]

Whidbey , All will be fine iits all in the transition process

I do appreciate the fact that your daughter sees him as a father figure , For which he is and that what matters_ The Love , the bond you share as a family, the relationship.

One thing , sometimes we do is to convert the dollars, into our local currencies, like CFA , and when we put comparison into place, we feel that back at home we would not have spent that much on i.e. eating out unless we are at a 5 star hotel. He will be fine , just encourage him - The cost of living here is high.

May you find God's favor. Its a struggle and Im hoping he doesn't give up. Hope he counts his blessings and just focuses on the positive. He may work in the construction company now , but God has a purpose for him.

Edited November 24, 2009 by shefellfromheaven

[Simply_Uno 1]

He just started working and got first paycheck. He wanted to help out with the bills so I set up an excel spreadsheet that showed him what I paid each week where and then had it compute how much each us would contribute based on our take home pay. Even though I had been sending him emails weekly showing him where my money was going it never clicked with him how much it costs to live here. He was discouraged when after taking us all out to eat once he only had $77 dollars left for the week to put into savings. He refuses to accept that I have cut everything I possibly can out of the budget, he says we live in poverty and he doesn't want to live like this. I see nothing wrong with the way I live, yes I'd like to own a house, but we can't afford it and my parents have told me the house we live in is ours when they pass away so why would I want to try and buy another. Since he's started working our income has nearly doubled I'm in heaven!!! I've NEVER had money left over after pay day - NEVER, I'm actually going to be able to get the kids gifts myself this year for Christmas. I've asked him to give it a year. I don't know if he will or not. I've told him it's not just me he'll be hurting by leaving, my daughter has bonded so much with him, already calls him Daddy and my son finally has a mature, responsible man he looks up to. I can't force him to stay, so whatever God has in store I'll deal with.

I know this is all transition stuff, I warned him before he came but he was certain all would be fine, "Nigerians can make it anywhere." is what I've been told over and over. I know it's lack of sunshine, extremely small town compared to what he's used too, lack of compatriots, moving from a singleman household to a family of 6 with 3 teenage boys, not much job opportunity on an island forced him to take a job in construction which isn't where he wants to be, I'm a different person with life going on around me compared to when I visited him and was on vacation. I'm ready to face these things head on, I was ready before he came here, it's up to him if he's willing to stand with me.

whew, WG, plz don't be offended by what I am about to say;

it seems as if he had "high hopes/big dreams/grandiose notions" of how his living standards were gonna be once he got to America, after all, he did marry an "Ahhmerikkhan"

I_ donnnn't_Knowwww * * when I was going through "vj" my ex use to say,

"how can you say dat living in Ahhmerikka is hard to an AAFrickhann, we wont beleeeve you! You Ahhmerikkhans will only say dat to discourrrrage us from coming and we wonnnnt beleeeve you!"

Maybe, just maybe he has the same mind set as my ex; he thought YOU were underestimating your own personal situation......and of course they know better than US what American living is like due to MTV and BET and other sensationalized media that's pumped into their country

Now as far as your daughter calling him "daddy"... ...ahem....thats all I'm gonna say about your issue.

I can't talk 'bout you, I can only talk 'bout me: a child of UNOz aint callin no other man daddy; if he just got here and my child only heard of/chatted with/he just integrated into the household/etc....don't care if we's married or naught; 'specially if she/he's old enough to know that that person is NOT their daddy...OMG!!! And UNO would not ever tell a man, "the kids love you or what about the kids" to a man if he wanted to leave, 'specially if they are NOT his kids!

and so he's forced to take a construction job, he should count his blessings, he could be shoveling...####### for a living and eating scavenger.

sorry, he seems unappreciative, but at least he's willing to go back to his home country on his own after realizing "it was all a dream...!"

p.s. I'm just sayin....

UNO

Thanks for your response, it has been logged into my memory bank. We have different perspectives but I do appreciate you taking the time to give me your opinion.

Hey WB,

I wanted to expound on somethings, my previous post to you was abrupt/sharp...it was and still is MY honest opinion, but still...sharp & abrupt; {charge it to my head and not my heart}. First of all, I understand that he is going through his period of acclimation. But does he understand that now that you two are united as one, this is not the time for pitying/scrutinizing/complaining about he is living in poverty. Look at all you have vested & sacrificed in getting him here, not just for yourself, but for him as well. With some hard work, budgeting {which I'm sure you are GREAT at}, refocusing and dedication to your futures, y'all wont be living in "poverty" for long!

As for his pay being "short", what did he think, he was going to come here and live like royalty, be served like kings and have money to swim in? {<<<Rhetoric}

Does he not understand, that you alls current living situation and standards {'specially dem babies of yourz} are the priority, NOT the folks back home?

He is going to have to wrap his mind around a whole 'nother concept and quickly or else you all are not going to make it, and that I do not want to see happen to you.

As far as your daughter loving him as a father, I am ALL for that! As far as her respecting him as such, I am all for that as well. But I do believe that a man must "earn" the title of being called "daddy." That is not a position to be played with nor backed out of, there is too much at stake.

I hope I have shed some softening light on my previous post and gave you a bit more insight as to where my head and heart truly are.

good luck to ya

UNO

[WhidbeyGirl 1]

Uno - not to worry dear. The only part of your post that bugged me at first was that of my daughter calling him "daddy", but then as I thought about it - you have NO IDEA our life situation and that the man who donated sperm for her is in prison for 8 to life and even if he is released she has a lifetime protection order against him. So you see she deeply desires to have a daddy, I NEVER mentioned or asked her to call him daddy, it was all her so that tells me she see him as filling that void in her life. I agree it is an earned title and one not to be taken lightly, that is why I told husband if he leaves it's not just me he is leaving.

One love.

Edited November 24, 2009 by WhidbeyGirl

[momov31 2]

Whidbeygirl im loving the way u r dealing with this, it seems u r trying to be understanding and trying to get him to understand. I imagine it must be hard for him and ur family, but once u guys get over this hump things will get better. Girls really want a dad in their life and my baby girl call my SO daddy and she has never met him only talks to him online and on the phone, but by him communicating and giving her his time something her real father never did its enough for her to put him in daddy status. Now my other daugther hasnt went there with him yet but all kids have different personailities it may take her some time and it may not im not gonna force it either way. Keep praying as a family and things will get better. As for the job and money my SO wants to take care of us as soon as he gets here like he takes care of his mom and im sure when he comes he will want to continue that, i believe if we get a plan and stick to it we can work something out, i explained to him that the usa is not paved with gold and i struggle everyday to provide for my kids and that u have to work hard to make ends meet, now weather he understand or not im not sure he says he does because his brother is here and told him of his struggles. i know im all over the place but all mistakes r made with love. Im praying for us all.

Uno - not to worry dear. The only part of your post that bugged me at first was that of my daughter calling him "daddy", but then as I thought about it - you have NO IDEA our life situation and that the man who donated sperm for her is in prison for 8 to life and even if he is released she has a lifetime protection order against him. So you see she deeply desires to have a daddy, I NEVER mentioned or asked her to call him daddy, it was all her so that tells me she see him as filling that void in her life. I agree it is an earned title and one not to be taken lightly, that is why I told husband if he leaves it's not just me he is leaving.

One love.

[taurean 0]

WG: Sorry to hear that the transition isn't going well right now. But with time and understanding things will get better. Right now your husband is facing the reality of life in the US. It's definitely not an easy transition. Reeses gave some really good and specific advice that I hope helps you. And even if it is expensive to leave where you live to go to a bigger city, it might be beneficial to save up in order to make that happen if even for a few hours. And look into (or have your husband) look into whether there are other Nigerians living near you, or if there are African restaurants or grocery stores in the big cities near you. Making a connection with a compatriot or eating food that you know can do wonders for a person's comfort level. As far the financial matters, the transition will come in time. Just urge your husband to exercise some patience.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Seattle area African Resturants

[forchika 4]

WG....Sorry,

He has to give himself some more time to adjust. I agree that a good budget and planning for the future are keys for financial advancement!!!! I hope he is able to hang in there!!!!! I have always said that the American Dream can turn into a nightmare easily as it is difficult at times for me and I was born and raised in the US...this is the land where things are so expensive and we are billed to death.

NEWS FLASH..... we got approval letter for ROC in the mail today.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Good morning Sub! I can't even say anything other then Happy Thanksgiving. I have read some concerning things in this forum.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ~ Melody Beattie

Edited November 25, 2009 by Enlighten one :)

[Simply_Uno 1]

Just wanted to be the first to wish everyone in Sub-Saharan a Blessed and Happy Thanksgiving .

"Lawd noes I's is brrrucker dan deh 10 c'mandments , but we's shows nuff got some food ."

UNO

[Perseverance 1]

I recently watched a Dr Phil, he addressed some online dating scams that involved Nigerians starting relationships with women and asking them for money. Now I think he would looooooove to hear about some GC scams.....

[Tamikuti7 0]

Hey Ladies and Gents,

It's been a while, just popping in to say hello!!

[WhidbeyGirl 1]

Hi all, just an update - all is fixed all is better.