Calling all American women married to Russian men

[Kharkov_Natalie 0]

Well, when it comes to the Russian "Superiority" complex, my husband goes back and forth. It's mainly just when he's frustrated with life here. He can be very contradictory with his praise and criticism of both countries and I think that just shows the struggle he feels on the inside to connect to both countries.

And I have seen him make some huge strides forward since he has arrived. He now appreciates his job, even though it wasn't the salary he thought he could make, he is trying harder with my family (most of the time), he has stopped complaining about life in Louisiana (this is not our final destination, but is necessary at this point because of my family), and he is trying to say things with a softer tone to them. He had a tendency to step on people's toes at times in Ukraine, so he knows he can be a bit harsh.

My family tolerates him and overlooks a lot since he is Russian, but overall, they do not like him and that is hard on me.

Do any of you have any children of your own? What I don't know is if my husband's attitude towards our son is Russian or just specific to him. He thinks raising our son is my job and his job is working outside the home. He has very little to do with our son and doesn't even talk to him personally. He thinks that he is like a doll now (4 months developmentally as he was born premature) and he doesn't play with dolls. I am trying to talk to him about how important a father's love is to his children even at this early age, but he thinks that he has time to love him when he becomes "a real person."

Sometimes, I feel like my husband has all these wierd ideas and I don't know if they are cultural or just his own brand of strangeness

I think he is starting to come around with our son now that he is more interactive and and seeing how my family is reacting to his brand of fathering, but I am worried about how he is going to be as a dad in the future.

Any thoughts?

One more issue that I am not sure if it's cultural... he is suspicious to the point of almost being paranoid. I lived in Ukraine for 4 years and although I know that people get used to expecting the worst from others, it seems my husband takes things to an extreme.

Examples:

My dad decorates the front yard for Christmas with this elaborate Christmas light display. The other day, a family drove by slowly with the windows rolled down and you could see little faces peering out. He started asking all kinds of questions about who they were, etc. and seemed worried they were up to no good.

He didn't want anyone to know our new address in America at first (even his family) because he was afraid that someone might try to do something bad to us out of jealousy. (To his credit, he does have some nasty distant relatives).

Of course, we could tell no one we were leaving Ukraine until the last couple of weeks and then he didn't want anyone to know exactly when we were leaving..... and everyone asked constantly as I was a missionary in the church...

He about drove me crazy in the NICU when my son was born. He nitpicked every little thing and was convinced one of the nurses was going to try to harm our baby. He was rude to them constantly instead of appreciative because he was convinced that the birth mark on our son's face was done to him intentionally.

I could go on and on. I think that part wears on me the most. Constantly trying to convince him that what he thinks is going on is not. He thinks I am naive and have a rose-colored glasses view of the world and I think he is reading too much into everything!!!

[Melissa&Vadim 0]

Hi Natalie,

Sounds like you have been trying to deal with a lot for a long time now I'm glad you are trusting people on this forum to be honest and try to help you. I don't know what your husband's past was like, or how it affected him. From what you have said, it sounds like he has had a lot of bad experiences that make him react to stressful situations. I think the hardest part for you must be the difference between what you feel naturally as a mother, and the way your husband's worries are expressed. I do have a son from a previous marriage. His is ten now. It has been the most challenging part of the relationship between my husband and I, as well. I knew my husband for three years prior to his moving here, and we had five trips in Russia and Europe together, to make sure we would all fit together as a family. We didn't have any major problems, living in a hotel room altogether for weeks at a time, being together 24/7. When my husband moved here, chaos ensued. He had never been around children, and I came to learn that he had no clue how American children really behaved naturally, or what kind of relationships adults have with children here. We had talked about having another child after we got married, but after a month of trying to live as a new family, he quickly changed his mind. That was hard for me, as I had really began to think and plan for another child. Now, we have a lot of issues trying to find our roles and comfort zones. I wonder if your husband was around children much, or if he had a large extended family. My husband was an only child, with no children even in the extended family. Today, I brought him to the bus station to begin his trip back to Moscow to visit his parents; I think it was the best plan to help us all relieve a little stress. Seven months of a totally new life for him is a lot to handle!

I think it's great that your husband did take a job and sticks with it! My husband isn't ready to even try, and he seems to be at a point where he's trying to figure everything out with his future. Before he left Moscow, he had a wonderful job in IT with an international company. He was able to do a lot of business travel. Now, he regrets not having that job, and says he would not be able to find anything remotely like what he had. That's true. He wants to find a job online. However, I have to be the realist, and keep trying to explain that he will need to find something. He spends his day on the Internet (withdrawal?) and is not interested in making friends here. I'm not sure if that is like your husband's "paranoia" or "superiority" behaviors? I have brought my Russian tutor home for dinner a few times (he is from another part of Russia), but I have become friends with him, and my husband doesn't seem interested in doing the same. Actually, he started to become depressed and jealous. There aren't a lot of Russians in this area, so I'll have to either wait for my husband to come out of his shell, or find another tactic.

We don't plan to stay in this area either. However, I bought a house last spring, and for now, we're stuck here. I hope that, if we move to a larger area, my husband will find things to interest him outside of the house. I want him to be happy. I know that this small town is nothing compared to Moscow, and I have even investigated possibilities to find work there. I am open to new places and experiences. My family lives across the country, and I don't have much contact with them either. I wanted to tell you, they are not interested at all in my husband, either. If my father calls (he is the only one), he never asks about Vadim. There is just no contact at all.

I'm not sure I can give you advice, but I'll pass on advice one of my friends gave me when I was feeling down about these problems. She told me, just think of all the reasons you fell in love with him, all the work the two of you have gone through to be together, and focus on the positive things you have created together. It was the best advice I could have been given. Oh, and I pray for patience, often!!

[amberdima 6]

this is probably the best thread i have ever read...since i am about to embark on all of your experiences. i am a female USC marrying a belarusian male. not quite russia...but might as well be. what seems odd is that, during the short time we've actually spent out in public, my fiance has been very reserved. this is contrary to many of your experiences; however, he similarly loves to pay for everything, hold my hand, keep me on the inside of the sidewalk so cars won't hit me...etc. these attributes are what i fell in love with. i haven't met his mother yet, but she passed down the family ring to me. she calls him daily to make sure he has talked to me. i just hope that once he's here he doesn't become so negative and blunt as many of you have experienced with your husbands.

[anka 1]

Hi Natalie! I would loooove to be friends with you! I think we are a rarity (American woman marrying RUssian man), not just on VJ but everywhere!

I am not married...yet... but Vasya (my fiance who's also from Russia) will be coming to me in February if his medical/interview goes well. )) When I lived in Russia (and everytime I've gone back to visit), Vasya has always been my protector and rock and helping me with practically everything - like what you said about Vadim. But when he came to stay with me last year, our roles pretty much switched (me exlaining and helping him with everything, etc....plus driving to ). So I understand what you guys are going through. And I will be going through this all again in a matter of months for a whole lot longer than when he was on his tourist visa! Gof help me! And help him too! Eiy-eiy-yiy!

If you don't mind me asking, what part of Louisiana are you in and where are you thinking of moving? Is there University or community college or anything nearby where Vadim could perhaps take an English class or a Business or IT class/course? By taking an ESL class could help him meet other immigrants whom he could relate to and possibly develop a friendship. The business/IT classes may help him network a bit more in the job market and also keep him up-to-date in the subjects. etc. and increase his overall understanding of working in the US. Also, most importantly, taking a class or two may help him feel like he is less of a "waste of space" and bit more productive and like he has some sort of a structure in his life while looking for a job, rhus making him a bit happier.

Sorry - this post is horrible... I've been awake all night (insomnia) so my brain is fizzled out. I am so happy you posted this topic... If you'd like, PM me and we can trade emails...? I have a TON of questions for you, but don't think I should post them all across a public forum

Good luck and I will write you back again after I catch some Zzzzzs.

Anna

While it is interesting reading this forum, it is mostly from an American male perspective. I was wondering if any of the women out there would be interested in sharing experiences and making friends with other women married to Russian men.

My husband and I have been married for over 1.5 years and we have a 3 month old little boy. We are now really hitting some of the cultural differences and having to work through some tough issues. It would be great to have someone who may be going through some of the same things to talk to. Even greater, someone who has successfully overcome some of these challenges.

Anyone out there interested in being friends and sharing experiences?

[Melissa&Vadim 0]

Hi Anka,

I agree, I think we are a rarity! I think Natalie has really started something here...Vadim is my husband, I believe Sergey is the name of Natalie's husband. I am in New York state (upstate). I would love to share experiences with you too, and try to answer any questions I could for you, even if you don't want to post it here. PM me. As for the driving thing, wow....that's fun, right?? I've been trying to teach Vadim how to drive too, although we've taken a break from it now that the weather is bad. That is really a high-stress situation. We had some days where our driving practice was very short, because it was just the best thing to do to say, OK, this isn't working today, let's try again tomorrow...

I liked your idea about networking. Here is something funny, my RU tutor's roommate is from Belarus, and his name is Dima They are both adult learners who take business courses at the college. I have tried bringing up the idea to Vadim, that maybe he could take some courses there as well. I am just hoping this trip back to Moscow brings some new perspectives for him, and when he returns, he will have a fresh outlook on things.

[Melissa&Vadim 0]

By the way, I found an interesting article about "culture shock". It is for people who are considering moving to Russia, but I think it can be reversed for Russians moving to the U.S. Comments? For those of you who have experienced culture shock, would you say this article is it pretty much true?

http://www.jobs.languagelink.ru/jobs/worki...lture_shock.php

[Kharkov_Natalie 0]

this is probably the best thread i have ever read...since i am about to embark on all of your experiences. i am a female USC marrying a belarusian male. not quite russia...but might as well be. what seems odd is that, during the short time we've actually spent out in public, my fiance has been very reserved. this is contrary to many of your experiences; however, he similarly loves to pay for everything, hold my hand, keep me on the inside of the sidewalk so cars won't hit me...etc. these attributes are what i fell in love with. i haven't met his mother yet, but she passed down the family ring to me. she calls him daily to make sure he has talked to me. i just hope that once he's here he doesn't become so negative and blunt as many of you have experienced with your husbands.

Welcome, Amber. It seems that there are a few more of us out there than I originally thought!

You can never judge how a person is going to react to a new culture and how they are going to handle culture shock. I naively thought my husband wouldn't have any culture shock since he is very Americanized and speaks English very well. But, they have years and years of one type of "worldview" if you will and when they come here, everything is challenged. The same thing happened to me when I went to Ukraine for 4 years, except I was there with an American organization and wasn't try to move there long term and assimilate into the culture 100%. If that had been the case, I am sure that I would have went through much worse culture shock.

My husband didn't turn negative just by coming here. He had a very bad childhood and life and so tends to see things very negatively. I had no idea what he had been through until we had been married for awhile. He didn't want to scare me off and knew that as an American, it would be very hard for me to understand and relate. I wish he would have shared more, as it felt like quite a load placed on me after we were married.

So, the only advice I would give someone in our shoes is to just get to know their family as well as possible and know their history. I'm not saying that it would stop us from getting married, just better prepared for what we are going to come up against.

Unfortunately, I met my husband in Ukraine and his family was in Siberia and so the first time I met them was at our wedding in Ukraine. It was definitely the wrong foot to start off on with his family as the weeks surrounding the wedding, I didn't have time to really spend with them as my family was also there and my mom was freaking out cause let's just say that she is a little bit of a diva and was not prepared for Ukraine. There were a lot of misunderstandings between the families and things that were just cultural differences that has caused hard feelings that have yet to be resolved and may never be. So, if it is at all possible, take the chance to get to know his family at a time when things are not so stressed.

They say you marry the family as well and I am now a firm believer of that!

[Kharkov_Natalie 0]

Hi Natalie! I would loooove to be friends with you! I think we are a rarity (American woman marrying RUssian man), not just on VJ but everywhere!

I am not married...yet... but Vasya (my fiance who's also from Russia) will be coming to me in February if his medical/interview goes well. )) When I lived in Russia (and everytime I've gone back to visit), Vasya has always been my protector and rock and helping me with practically everything - like what you said about Vadim. But when he came to stay with me last year, our roles pretty much switched (me exlaining and helping him with everything, etc....plus driving to ). So I understand what you guys are going through. And I will be going through this all again in a matter of months for a whole lot longer than when he was on his tourist visa! Gof help me! And help him too! Eiy-eiy-yiy!

If you don't mind me asking, what part of Louisiana are you in and where are you thinking of moving? Is there University or community college or anything nearby where Vadim could perhaps take an English class or a Business or IT class/course? By taking an ESL class could help him meet other immigrants whom he could relate to and possibly develop a friendship. The business/IT classes may help him network a bit more in the job market and also keep him up-to-date in the subjects. etc. and increase his overall understanding of working in the US. Also, most importantly, taking a class or two may help him feel like he is less of a "waste of space" and bit more productive and like he has some sort of a structure in his life while looking for a job, rhus making him a bit happier.

Sorry - this post is horrible... I've been awake all night (insomnia) so my brain is fizzled out. I am so happy you posted this topic... If you'd like, PM me and we can trade emails...? I have a TON of questions for you, but don't think I should post them all across a public forum

Good luck and I will write you back again after I catch some Zzzzzs.

Anna

Hi Anna and welcome as well. Feel free to PM me as well with any questions you may have. My husband is Sergey and is working now (as Melissa has said... we are both replying at the same time!). I was fortunate in that he was an English translator so his English is excellent. However, he is still struggling with the cajuns around here and their humor.

I never realized how sarcastic and "put down" our humor is. My husband takes everything literally and this has been quite hard for him. He can never tell when his boss is joking or being serious with him. Just yesterday, his boss jokingly told him not to "rip him off." Seems his last 3 employees stole huge amounts of gas from the company (small fuel company). Sergey was on the phone with me asking what "rip off" means!! Of course, I told him to go straight to the boss and clarify that comment and get everything straight and the boss said he was just joking cause he felt like Sergey was the first honest employee he's had in awhile - which is true!

[amberdima 6]

this is probably the best thread i have ever read...since i am about to embark on all of your experiences. i am a female USC marrying a belarusian male. not quite russia...but might as well be. what seems odd is that, during the short time we've actually spent out in public, my fiance has been very reserved. this is contrary to many of your experiences; however, he similarly loves to pay for everything, hold my hand, keep me on the inside of the sidewalk so cars won't hit me...etc. these attributes are what i fell in love with. i haven't met his mother yet, but she passed down the family ring to me. she calls him daily to make sure he has talked to me. i just hope that once he's here he doesn't become so negative and blunt as many of you have experienced with your husbands.

Welcome, Amber. It seems that there are a few more of us out there than I originally thought!

You can never judge how a person is going to react to a new culture and how they are going to handle culture shock. I naively thought my husband wouldn't have any culture shock since he is very Americanized and speaks English very well. But, they have years and years of one type of "worldview" if you will and when they come here, everything is challenged. The same thing happened to me when I went to Ukraine for 4 years, except I was there with an American organization and wasn't try to move there long term and assimilate into the culture 100%. If that had been the case, I am sure that I would have went through much worse culture shock.

My husband didn't turn negative just by coming here. He had a very bad childhood and life and so tends to see things very negatively. I had no idea what he had been through until we had been married for awhile. He didn't want to scare me off and knew that as an American, it would be very hard for me to understand and relate. I wish he would have shared more, as it felt like quite a load placed on me after we were married.

So, the only advice I would give someone in our shoes is to just get to know their family as well as possible and know their history. I'm not saying that it would stop us from getting married, just better prepared for what we are going to come up against.

Unfortunately, I met my husband in Ukraine and his family was in Siberia and so the first time I met them was at our wedding in Ukraine. It was definitely the wrong foot to start off on with his family as the weeks surrounding the wedding, I didn't have time to really spend with them as my family was also there and my mom was freaking out cause let's just say that she is a little bit of a diva and was not prepared for Ukraine. There were a lot of misunderstandings between the families and things that were just cultural differences that has caused hard feelings that have yet to be resolved and may never be. So, if it is at all possible, take the chance to get to know his family at a time when things are not so stressed.

They say you marry the family as well and I am now a firm believer of that!

my fiance and i have been through similar childhoods. both our parents divorced when we were young and we both left home at a young age. i think that's something in common that brings us closer. i'm hoping to spend a week with his family when we have the interview in warsaw. hopefully we can go to brest, BY after and stay with his mother. btw- i love the name sergey...it is my FIL's name and the name i want to give our future son. my brother makes fun of it saying americans will pick the 'gay' pronunciation out and ridicule him. what is wrong with people? i like to embrace differences and want to keep as much of my fiance's culture in our little family as possible.

[mox 298]

So, WOW! So many new faces here in the RU forum! Please do stick around and make yourself at home. It's been a little quiet around here lately, so hopefully it'll get a little livelier now. Welcome!!

ни пуха, ни пера!

[PJB 0]

Hi Girls!

My Russian husband of 4 years just arrived in the US on Dec 10. His culture shock is still tinged with awe and amazement at the ease and comfort of American living but he is definately feeling the loss of his home country.

I too lived in Russia for 5 years but had to return home unexpectedly and so now we are making a new life in the USA. In trying to make my hubby feel at ease here I have found it very helpful to remember my own culture shock when I was stuck in our tiny Russian apt with no idea of where to go or what to do. I too was overly critical of everything that didn't measure up to my home country's standards and acted out in many of the ways that your partners are now acting in America. Usually it was a reaction to the feelings of stress, loneliness, fear and helplessness that overwhelmed me.

I remember the things that gave me comfort when I was a stranger in Russia and try to give my husband comfort by doing something for him that brings a little of our Russian life into our American home. Cooking our favorite Russian foods, watching Russian movies together, making him feel like a man by continuing the traditional Russian male/female cultural rolls that were part of our behavior in Russia, and observing the same Russian home culture and home traditions that were part of our daily life for the last 5 years.

[Melissa&Vadim 0]

Hi Girls!

My Russian husband of 4 years just arrived in the US on Dec 10. His culture shock is still tinged with awe and amazement at the ease and comfort of American living but he is definately feeling the loss of his home country.

I too lived in Russia for 5 years but had to return home unexpectedly and so now we are making a new life in the USA. In trying to make my hubby feel at ease here I have found it very helpful to remember my own culture shock when I was stuck in our tiny Russian apt with no idea of where to go or what to do. I too was overly critical of everything that didn't measure up to my home country's standards and acted out in many of the ways that your partners are now acting in America. Usually it was a reaction to the feelings of stress, loneliness, fear and helplessness that overwhelmed me.

I remember the things that gave me comfort when I was a stranger in Russia and try to give my husband comfort by doing something for him that brings a little of our Russian life into our American home. Cooking our favorite Russian foods, watching Russian movies together, making him feel like a man by continuing the traditional Russian male/female cultural rolls that were part of our behavior in Russia, and observing the same Russian home culture and home traditions that were part of our daily life for the last 5 years.

Thank you for writing this! It's comforting to know that maybe this behavior is somewhat "normal" under the heading of culture shock...

I bought a cookbook on sale a few weeks ago and already made a couple of recipes

We have free Internet tv on my laptop, and sometimes I find some terrible old Russian movie on there when we are relaxing in the evenings.

I can stand pretty much anything as long as it's not as bad as all the voiced-over American 1980s sitcoms I had to watch in Moscow!

I think your story is really interesting--I just read it on your profile. Any more advice you can share? What helped you get over or deal

with the culture shock?

[mox 298]

So earlier in this thread (and other threads) I've accused GiGii of being a sock puppet for Korat. It turns out I was wrong. The moderating team was able to determine that GiGii is a real person, and I have unfairly mis-characterized her. My apologies to GiGii for firstly associating her with the likes of such a repugnant person as Korat, and secondly for making it difficult for her to fully participate in the RU forum. I am truly sorry. For what it's worth, the moderating team did not ask me to apologize, it's just the right thing to do. The next round of pie is on me.

[KGSodie 0]

Let me add my 'welcome' to the new faces here.

Culture shock is certainly a difficult issue, and often comes in from the blind side unfortunately. The advice meted out in this thread is all terrific stuff, and thanks to everyone for sharing. Patience, remembering what is truly important, and keeping your eyes on the horizon are all very important. If only it were easier to get our SOs to participate in these things!

Good luck to everyone, and again, welcome.

[chili74 0]

Hi everyone-

Great to see you all, I have not been here in a while. Kopa, glad to hear things are going well!

I will read this thread more carefully when I have more time, but I immediately see great advice as KGSodie said. My husband and I are still loving life together and are so grateful for the miracle of our meeting. But there are certainly bumps in the road (possible future child rearing attitudes, included). He is doing well in the work arena and things are going better in his interactions with my family, whom we (unfortunately) see rarely. We all love taking long walks together. They taught him to play bridge and he picked it up quickly, so I think that gave him confidence. He and my brother play chess and they both enjoy that.

Learning to drive, he had an accident and now does not want to resume for fear of potential financial and other ruin that could ensue. Not sure how to address this except to just maybe say, get an instructor and do it. He passed the written in TX and came close to passing the driving test, but in TX. Now we are in CA.

I handle finances. He does dishes and lots of other help. Overall things are really good, but I know he struggles sometimes with our culture and language here. English is REALLY hard. If anyone wants to talk (Natalie!) PM me and we can talk by phone. Best to everyone, and hang in there.